I've been having moments of panic, and terror and loneliness and worry like what have I done to him? To me? Can I really take care of myself as well as I always thought.
I'm crying as I write this because I'm scared.
I'm also terrified that I will give in to him and let things go back to the way they were. I'm weak.
I still haven't seen him yet, but I know that when he comes here to get his stuff I will want to take it all back because he will guilt me.
He will cry and say he still loves me but I don't want to give in.
I need this. I need this.
I don't know how to tell my therapist about this on Friday. I feel she will think it was a bad idea. But she would be wrong.

I **** at writing.
I don’t know why I even try.
But I **** at everything so
why am I surprised.

He smiled at me napping on the couch and then leaned over and hugged me so nicely.
He is the sweetest peach.

I'm more lost and confused then ever before.
I told my sister the plan to move and she had her reservations. The same ones I have.
She thinks I should stay in town and get the one bedroom apartment, and that my dog will be fine.
And then, because we got on the topic of how I deserve better in the relationship department, I told her about him.
I never have before.
I just told her about how I've got a crush and I like him because he asks about our family and makes me believe that not all men are the same.
She was surprisingly understanding,
but mentioned that I should think about that because if I were in love, I wouldn't have a crush. And she's right.
So I brought up how I don't want to go through with this moving plan anymore and I want to change it to my boyfriend and he of course disagreed. He spent the next hour or more texting me and trying to convince me I'm wrong. But now I think even more that I'm right.
Honestly, right now I want to tell him to move in with his friend, I'll move into the one bedroom. Idk who gets the dog, but, I don't want to do what he wants to do, so let's just do what we want separately.

I have hated my life for as long as I’ve been alive.
I’ve done things just because I felt like I had to.
Get this job, no wait, this job.
Go to college it’s the path to happiness.
Oh wait, turns out it’s only making me more miserable.
Makes a lot of money,
makes barely any.
Falls in love, gets absolutely torn apart.
Builds a wall.
I don’t really have anything keeping me here except me.
I could sell everything I own and buy a small RV.
Use all the money I have to just drive away and stop when I run out.
Get a quick part time job just to make some more and then disappear again.
I hate staying in one place, doing the same things.
I’ve never had an adventure.
I saw a girl standing through the sun roof in her boyfriend’s car, singing and cheering because she’s done with college and I thought,
I’ve never been that happy. Ever.
But I deserve to be.

I am still standing here on the side of the road,
bags in hand.
Like you opened the door and shoved me out,
said you’d come back later.
The sun is setting though,
and it’s getting cold.
I’m beginning to think you aren’t
coming back.

I couldn’t eat for
2 months.
My appetite just disappeared.
I lost weight really fast.
My belt became too big.
Usually food is my comfort,
I have spent many many nights
getting to the bottom of a bag
or having just one more slice.
So when the idea of food became
nauseating and my stomach just stopped
growling, it was weird.
I have never experienced heart break
like that.
It really is as bad as all the sappy poems say.
When you’re broken, even your favorite food
can’t comfort you.

I hate this feeling.
It’s the same one I would get when I was
coming down from a ******* binge.
A desperate, painful need for something.
For more.
Eyes wide open, heart racing,
my thoughts flying by too fast to
even remember any of them.
I can’t sleep.
And I’m not high.
I’m just empty.

I’m busting out laughing
as I stand in my kitchen drinking a sodie pop
wearing a t shirt and sweatpants like an old retired man when in reality I’m a 26 yr old girl that
has to be an adult tomorrow.
Lol who put me in charge???

After a week of us being broken up
today was the first day that
we didn’t speak at all.
I want to text him,
say I miss him.
I want him to say it back.
But I haven’t forgotten
that he gave up on me.
We could have been together,
He just doesn’t want me.
It will never not sting
like I’ve been bitten by a wasp
when I think of him next
to someone else.
It will never not ****
a part of me that he didn’t choose me.
I know that someone who really
loves me would never give up,
would never leave me.
I know this but I wanted him to
be that someone.

It’s like Christmas morning every time
he smiles at me.
Opening presents when he holds my hand.
Festive music plays when he laughs
at my jokes.
Mistletoe hangs wherever he kisses me.
And Santa is real when he calls me
his girlfriend.

Christmas comes just once a year,
but for me it’s every day I’m with him.

I never expected to feel you with me when you left.
I didn’t think texting and talking on the phone would keep us close.
But when I get a text, I feel happy.
When the X-files theme song begins to play I can’t cut it off quick enough and answer.
It’s still there.
Even though I can’t see you,
I still love you.







I do actually pray I will see you again.

It's hard to work when you are crying.
My eyes were blurry with tears.
Miss Ohio by Miranda Lambert played through my headphones and I couldn't stop myself.
I don't want to leave my home.
Not yet.
He messaged me and said,
I'm sorry to hear about all of that. You'll figure it out though, one day at a time.
Reading those words made me have to stop and sit down on the floor.
Sobbing as quietly as I could.
It kind of feels like I lost, or I failed.
Like my worst nightmare came true.
I feel like I should be able to save myself, fix this on my own.
But, I do need help.
I know moving could be great, but it's not easy to say good bye to the life I worked so hard for.
Everything has happened in that apartment.
I became an adult there,
my mom called and woke me up to the news that my nephew was being born there.
A part of me will always live in that house.
I wanted to leave when I was ready.

My energy likes being around yours.
Two souls bouncing around the atmosphere, who somehow found the other and it felt warm and safe.
And now I can’t remember what it was like before we met.

I do miss the quiet smile you wore
when you looked at me.
I know you see me in a way that I can’t.

I would do anything to go back.
Anything to go back to my apartment
on the second floor where we lived happily
ever after together.
Sunday morning cuddles,
binging Game of Thrones,
sitting on the counter watching you cook.
Putting the tent up in our living room
pretending to watch Alice in wonderland
under the stars.
I would give up my future and any joy
I may feel to go back to when you loved me.

He thinks I’m pretty,
even though he fell asleep
when we were supposed to hangout.
I can let it slide this time
because he still had me
kicking my feet and smiling
like an idiot.
I read up on his horoscope
as most girls with a crush do,
and was pleased to find we are
very compatible.
I am going to be filled with
butterflies all day
because we rescheduled for tonight.

I feel like I need a good, hard cry.
Which is odd that I have this feeling of intense loneliness and sadness because I thought I was feeling fine today.
But I listened to a podcast about someone's dog dying and how they did everything to save it.
And I was tearing up the whole time, thinking about the inevitable day my dog will die and the love I feel for her.
But now I feel like crying for another reason, I just don't know what that is.

I want to be that girl who moved at the beginning of September and created a blank slate. Who started over.
Even though she wasn’t as strong as I thought, she felt stronger then I am now.

I don’t cry on the floor of my living room anymore but I lay on my side wishing he would turn and put his arms around me and it feels the same.

I think what you end up missing
the most when you don’t have a partner
are all the lost little moments that
make life special.
That feeling in the middle of the night
when you wake from a bad dream,
or anxiety won’t let you sleep
so you reach for your person.
Snuggle into their arms and you can
feel your whole body relax.
Safety.

I know why I'm unhappy.
Because I'm stuck.
Because of choices I made and it's too late to go back now.
I can't leave my job because I need the money and benefits.
I can't leave my apartment because I can't afford anything else.
I can't get out of my relationship because it's been almost 5 years and I take care of him.
I can't enjoy the money I have now because I need it to buy oil this winter to heat my house.
So I can't be happy because of choices I've made.
I don't see a way out.
I wish I could just accept that this is my life, but, I don't want it.

I really want to go home and play in the snow with my high on acid boyfriend.

I sit very still in bed
staring at the duvet.
Not really thinking,
just staring.
It’s like I am a piece of furniture
in this quiet house.
Time drips by as families
everywhere are celebrating.
I am grieving.

I remember going to
Toys R Us on my sixth birthday
and picking out a stuffed black dog
which became my favorite.
I named it Toto.
She has soaked up so many tears,
and really put up with a lot.

And even now, as a 24 year old woman
I sob into her fur and picture myself at 6
and can’t believe I’ve let her down.
I can’t believe how badly this man
who used to love me has hurt me.
It’s not fair.

When does it get better? Because I’ve never
seen the light for very long.

The sun is setting.
Barely any cars are going by this Sunday evening.
I'm sitting at the dining room table feeling drunk and high and who knows.
Maybe I'll take a walk, or go lay down.
Right now I'm singing in an empty apartment.
For the first time I noticed the echo.
I need food, I need to sleep, maybe see someone.
Tomorrow I'll wake up and regret calling off and I'll remember what happened, still in belief.

It’s so dumb when
a small thing turns
into what cracked the egg.
The egg is my brain.
Sometimes it’s a rude comment,
or an extra chore or payment
that sends me boiling over.

I wish I could ask
someone to grab cat litter
or salt for the water softener
just so I don’t have to.
Someone to make dinner
while I nap,
just once.
But the person who
has to do that for me,
is me.

I already know I won’t get to ask.
At least not until later tonight,
because he won’t text me back until about 1 maybe.
It’s 11:14 right now.
By the time I hear from him I’ll be so relieved
just to get a response that I’ll chicken out.
I also don’t want to make him mad with that question as soon as he gets off work.
But my mind is spinning and sinking and I’m freaking out and I started drinking 30 minutes ago because I don’t know what else to do.
I’m prepared for him to say no.
But god I hope he says yes.

There’s a version of me somewhere
that is a little goth princess.
Or as a fairy somewhere pretty.
Like a bumblebee just floating along.
Or as country as a scarecrow,
homegrown and strong.
Or maybe I’d live in the city,
turtlenecks and glasses and coffee.
Hopping the train to work at the newspaper.
Or maybe I could try to like me.
A girl who’s not really a girl anymore,
and is completely lost.
Who knows who she’ll be.

He asked if I’m happy,
and I thought how could I not be
as long as he’s beside me.