I hate myself because I destroy my own happiness.
I can feel it in the pit of my stomach, this unwelcome rage that is like boiling water bubbling over the edge of a ***.
I’ve always found it fitting that my zodiac sign is the Taurus because sometimes I can be so stubborn, I won’t budge.
I can gleefully sit and watch everything burn around me but then instantly regret it as I am left in the ashes wondering
what happened?!


Nobody brings me down better than I do.

I don’t know why I don’t feel anything.
I did for about two days and then that
ooey gooey butterfly flew away.
I tried listening to that country song,
the one about the blue eyed problem,
the one that had me holding back tears
as he sang along in the car.
How can I be so hot and cold.
There’s something wrong with me.
Am I really that damaged
or will I just love the person that damaged me
forever?

Days feel like months,
so breaking down crying in the
kitchen while I make ramen
noodles
was not what I thought I’d
be doing.
I haven’t cried in over 24 hours.
I felt great yesterday.
I even took a few selfies
and posted them.
But now I am sick in bed,
literally and I can’t stop
thinking about him.
I don’t want to do this forever.
Like somewhere in the back of my head
I think there’s a finish line,
and we’ll come back together.
But there’s not this time.
This is it.
My best friend will become
someone else’s best friend and
he won’t think of me anymore.

My mental health is deteriorating and nobody cares!
I ask for help but I’m met with blank stares.
“You’re over dramatic, all women are the same.”
It’s no wonder good girls end up going insane.
I feel like a ghost lost in my apartment,
trying to find someone to share my heart with.
Can someone for once just care about me?
Why am I so easy to leave.

Lately everyone's been telling me to focus on myself, put myself first, I deserve better.
But I fear that means I need to be alone.
The depression wants to be alone, that's for sure.
But I don't want to hurt anyone else while I'm trying to stop hurting myself.
But that's how it feels, I think I have come to that point.
I don't know what to do.

I felt my voice catch in
my throat when he approached
the window.
I swallowed the tears and waited
for him to get inside.
As I slowly drove he asked me
how I’ve been,
I said good, mhm.
The silence was so loud
and he tried to cover it up by
telling me about how he’s been
busy fixing up his apartment.
He directed me to the storage unit
which wasn’t far.
I watched him sift through a few
boxes to find the pans and utensils,
carrying anything to the car
that’s mine.
When that was it he walked up
to me and we just looked at
each other.
I reached out first
and he hugged me close,
wrapping his coat around me.
That’s when I felt the tears coming back
I tried to stop them
but ever since we split all
I have wanted is his arms around me.
He said,
you know I love you right.
I nodded.
On the drive back he made small talk
and tried to make me smile,
and then we were back.
He told me he’s sorry again
and that it isn’t me.
He said to be good and try to have fun.
I hugged him again
and then he was gone.
It’s the last day of the year
and it’s the last day I’ll see him.
Our story is over.

Thinking about him is like looking over a gate
through the opening of the trees that leads
out to a field.
I’m in here.
He’s out there.
He waves and turns to walk away.
And with him goes all the years and
all the time we spent together.
But it’s a nice day.
The sun is shining and there’s a slight breeze.
I don’t know how something so
beautiful could feel so sad.

If I could go back
5 years ago to
23 year old me I would tell her
to walk away.
To not speak to him.
No matter how badly I needed to.
I would miss out on all of the
love,
all of the love I gave to him
and all of the love he gave to me.

But it would be worth it.
Worth it to miss the pain he
caused,
worth it to never know what it
was like to love him.
It would be worth it to know
who I would have became
if he never entered my life
and flipped it upside down.
I might be married,
have a kid or two.

And most of all I wouldn’t have
this giant hole in my heart
that grew larger in size
each time he left me.
I wouldn’t be 29 years old,
single and completely
terrified of what’s out there.
Who is out there.

If I could go back I would
choose to have never met him.

I’ve spent so much time sitting on the floor, slowly picking through the debris to piece myself back together. I was almost whole again when you showed up and helped find the last few shards of glass to rebuild the mirror I look at myself in. I changed. I’m older, stronger. But even you said I still look broken and I see it too. So please be careful.

Sometimes something happens that is so rare it only comes along once in a blue moon.
And it's so good that there's no way it can be real.
It can't really be happening to you.
It feels so weird to be happy because it's all I wanted my whole life.
It's so weird to have this guy in my life who makes me feel everything and is also the most attractive person in so many ways.
Happiness happens, you just have to work really ******* hard and wait a long time for it float by.

It’s hard to explain
why receiving a voice memo
of a **** was a kind thing for him
to do.
The best I can say is,
he thought of me and an
old joke he did once before.
And at this point just knowing
he thinks of me is enough.

I’m spending my night drinking
hot chocolate and rewatching
Gilmore Girls: Seasons.
I’ve sat at the kitchen table to smoke
some **** while the house is dark
and quiet.
Everyone else is asleep because
they all have jobs to go to when
they wake up.
I am unemployed.

Last night was an example of
how it’s still there.
He didn’t feel like eating
so I blessed a few slices and put
some pizza aside for him.
But he didn’t want me to leave,
so we watched March of the Penguins
on the couch in the old spooning position.
I was falling asleep but I could feel
that he was awake.
His hand searching to pull down
my sweatpants and recreate what
we used to be good at.
And it was really good.
But I’m not falling over drunkenly
in love, I just feel proudly smug
knowing I still got it.

There once was a boy who fell for me
but I missed the train he got on,
I watched it leave.
I saw his tears from the window,
but I just waved goodbye and let him go.
I could say I’m sorry over and over
but it won’t change last October.
Maybe I never should’ve came to his house that night,
maybe right now he’d be alright.
I have a habit of breaking hearts,
because mine is too.
I wish I could be in love with you.

I love holding your hand because it makes it easier to hang on to you.

I'm sitting here in bed staring out my window.
I'm awake but I don't want to be.

I've got him and a song running through my head.
Wondering if he ever thinks like this about me.

Maybe once.

It would mean everything if he did.

I just want to be who he thinks of when he hears a love song because he's all that appears for me.

I'm smoking **** hoping it will make me tired enough to go back to bed.
I don't want to be awake in the cover of night time anymore.

I just turned on that song and lit a cigarette. I think after it's done I'll lay down again.