Even when I was going through it,
I didn't think I was.
And even now, sometimes I forget that I made it.
About three years ago now,
I fell deeply, madly, in love with someone that I definitely shouldn't have.
I was only "with" him for about a month or two, but I was the happiest I've ever been because of him.
I was in love after three days of knowing him.
And when he broke it off with me,
it really felt like my whole life just fell apart.
I came over early in the morning, unknowing, and we sat in his garage and I just cried, and begged and finally said okay.
I didn't go home right away, we hungout and went to get some **** so we could both feel better.
But then, when I did go home and realized he wasn't going to text me, I lost it.
I started drinking all the time, stopped smiling, and the pain I felt was unbearable.
And I thought I would never get over him, I thought about him every day up until this past year.
And now, I'm proud of myself and know that I can get through any break up or bad situation and come out so much stronger.
I have done so many things that I never thought possible.
And even more good things are to come.
I turn 21 in two days, when I met him I was newly 18.
I learned a life lesson early on, but I think that I was supposed to.
I needed to become stronger to end up where I am today.
And I am happy to have had true real love, even if I never do again.
At least I got to know what it feels like.
Time heals everything. It's the only thing that actually does.

Hey there love,
I've just stopped by to see how you are.
How's life treating you so far.
I've been good ya know?
But I've been better.
I'm looking forward to colder weather.
I'd love to sit and talk with you..
but I know that's something I can't do.
Although, that's okay.
It's alright.
I'm just a little drunk tonight.

I can remember being about seven or eight years old, and listening to the song 1985 on the radio, as I sat in the back seat of my dad's old Cadillac.
I was all bundled up, kind-of cold, waiting for the car to warm up after being inside the bowling alley for my brother's practice.
I have always been a good listener, so the lyric about wishing it still was 1985, made me think of my mom.
I wondered if she wished she could go back in time.
I didn't fully understand of course; except that I spent my childhood wishing I was somewhere else.
But now as an adult, I can almost guarantee that my mom felt like that and probably still does.
There will always be a period in time when we were the happiest, the best of ourselves.
Nostalgia is painful, and dreadful and impossible to forget about.

I guess I wish it was still 2013.

Right now,
I am practicing some advice I
once read from Charles Bukowski.
If you can't write; dont.
I must be riding out a similar storm.
Everything coming out of my head
is dry, and badly put.
Everywhere I look,
it seems as though someone
shows me, I don't know what I'm doing.

He kissed my fingertips
and then the palm of
my hand.
He continued up
my arm
until he pulled me
closer and
kissed my lips.
He smiled at me
with his big blue eyes
and then turned back
to his computer
and continued drawing.
He’s so affectionate,
like a puppy;
cute and scruffy.
He tells me I’m pretty
just to see me smile,
and holds my hand
on the couch.
We’ve spent the week together,
talking, and drawing and coloring.
Making love and going out
for Chinese.
I wish every week could
be like this.

The man I’m seeing
works third shift.
So I don’t see him very often
but we talk a lot.

The other night
he called off work
so we could spend
time together.
He said that kissing me
makes him feel better
so he needed to skip.
And we did a lot of kissing
as well as other things.
I wish he could
call off work more often.

You know how it is when it's just you and another person.

I should've gotten out of here when I could have.
Maybe not Iowa, but anywhere would be better than here.
Maybe I'd be happy,
maybe I would've finished college.
Maybe I wouldn't have such obvious bald patches as I do today.
Maybe my teeth wouldn't be ****** up.
Maybe I wouldn't be trying to pay for everything by myself.

******* for keeping me here.
You always used to try and guilt me by saying,
I'm changing my whole life for you.
Yeah, well you went right back to "your life," while mine was the one that ended up being altered.
If not for you, I know my life would be completely different. Better.
****. I hate you sometimes.
I wish you had never said you loved me.

So, maybe you aren't the ultimate love of my life.
But I think I figured out what my purpose for falling head over heels was.
It showed me how love is supposed to feel.
Like, finally being able to breathe and when you are together it's as though someone turned the volume down on earth.
The sun is always shining through the rain, and feeling like you could die the next day and be fulfilled.
It showed me how happiness feels.
Now I know how it's supposed to be.
I'll always be so ******* greatful that I got to be one of the lucky humans to experience that because I know how rare it is now.
So, I'd like to say Thank you sunshine for changing my life.

The holidays have always
been romantic for me
as a poor, single poet.
But I am not anymore.
Still kind of a poet though..
That's why I always felt the need
for a couple glasses of wine
around family members who asked
about how my life was going.
But now I should feel proud to talk.
But I'm still showing fashionably late,
alone.
I don't know why we play out this relationship so differently than other people.
I suppose I let it become this way;
because that's what I thought I wanted.
Although I'm beginning to realize
I have never known what that is.

Laugh until we think we'll die,
Barefoot on a summer night
Never could be sweeter than with you

I have found myself waiting.
I’m paralyzed in bed waiting for the clock to say 3:30.
When I will drive to see him
for the last time.
I wrote him a letter
but I am not sure it matters
what I say.
Or if I even want to give it to him.
But I’m going to get up.
I have things to do besides wait
all day long for him.
I’ve wasted years of my life waiting
on him and all he’s ever done is disappoint me.

He's my person even if I'm not his.

After therapy today I opened Instagram and saw he had sent me a video.
It was of him, shirtless; (his job is roofing) although I could only see his shoulders, in a car.
I couldn't have smiled more.
I sent him a photo of me sitting at the dining room table when I got home.
This began a few hours worth of sharing photos and little videos of what we were doing through out the day.
I went to the laundry mat.
He was on lunch break.
I left the laundry mat.
He began working again.
I went to the grocery store.
He was taking a break.. without a shirt again.
Then he sent a message that said,
"Cutie."
And my brain turned into a teenage girl and squealed with happiness.
Gross, I know.
We continued to message a little as he got home from work and I went to get ****.
Now I'm at home having already had one glass of wine and now I'm having a beer, hoping to hear more from him, or maybe receive another picture.

I've got a major body buzz after eating a *** brownie,
watching the X-files.

Happy bakesgiving.

Dinner is at 3:00.
My dog is napping beside me.
My house is warm, it's cold outside.

I don't know how to end this.
So, I'm going to smoke a cigarette and get ready to leave.

I dream of seeing these desperate feelings on real tangible paper one day.
Dream of being beautiful one day.
To someone who is dying to marry me.
Dream of being so much more than this girl who drinks alone on Friday nights.
Just dream. All the ******* time.
Do you?

He's so good to me that if I think about it enough I might cry.
But that shouldn't be my reaction.
I should be overflowing with happiness and squealing like a teenage girl.

Picturing him standing by the candles smelling so many it makes him nauseous all because he remembered I said I wanted a new one is so sweet.
He remembered.

Like after we went to the bar and Nick said something I can't remember about us being together,
and Cainan put his hand on my shoulder and said,
"She's important to me."
It caught me by surprise.

He told me he feels
comfortable singing
around me,
and that he never
really has with anyone
else before

I’ve built this belief
that nothing is
permanent.
No person, place
or thing will stay
forever..
Nothing is in
my control
so I feel out of control.
But I’m already expecting
him to leave, to stop,
to change
when he hasn’t.
The second I walk out
his door,
I feel worried
and he feels good.
I want to believe him
but instead I fear him.

I like when I'm in your
t-shirt and you are not,
and it's just me,
you,
and the bed.

It feels really good to know
that if you called me tomorrow
and begged for me back
I'd be able to say,
too late


*loser.

Ya know, if I hate you,
it's because you destroyed me.
I always wonder,
Man how come I don't see the world the way I used to?
You.
You stole it from me.
I know you could see it on my face, because everyone could.
I scared my mother to death because I had the word ADVENTURE in my eyes.
Every day was like a new beginning, I had so much hope, energy and love.
If I hate you it's because I was only 18.
I will admit that I was too young, naive, ready to soak in any and all compliments from men; but buzzing right by them.
A savage honey bee.

Until you stopped me.
Used me.
Tortured me.
Made me feel small.
Had me believing that without you I was nothing.. when really I was everything.