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295 · Apr 2016
Heart break
Chameleon Apr 2016
Even when I was going through it,
I didn't think I was.
And even now, sometimes I forget that I made it.
About three years ago now,
I fell deeply, madly, in love with someone that I definitely shouldn't have.
I was only "with" him for about a month or two, but I was the happiest I've ever been because of him.
I was in love after three days of knowing him.
And when he broke it off with me,
it really felt like my whole life just fell apart.
I came over early in the morning, unknowing, and we sat in his garage and I just cried, and begged and finally said okay.
I didn't go home right away, we hungout and went to get some **** so we could both feel better.
But then, when I did go home and realized he wasn't going to text me, I lost it.
I started drinking all the time, stopped smiling, and the pain I felt was unbearable.
And I thought I would never get over him, I thought about him every day up until this past year.
And now, I'm proud of myself and know that I can get through any break up or bad situation and come out so much stronger.
I have done so many things that I never thought possible.
And even more good things are to come.
I turn 21 in two days, when I met him I was newly 18.
I learned a life lesson early on, but I think that I was supposed to.
I needed to become stronger to end up where I am today.
And I am happy to have had true real love, even if I never do again.
At least I got to know what it feels like.
Time heals everything. It's the only thing that actually does.
295 · Sep 2019
Once it’s broken
Chameleon Sep 2019
It doesn’t get easier
with time.
You just learn how to deal
with the pain.
289 · Jun 2023
Untitled
Chameleon Jun 2023
Freshly picked strawberries
still wet from the rain,
and
peach scented soap
on a Sunday afternoon.
289 · Sep 2016
Little rhyme for ya
Chameleon Sep 2016
Hey there love,
I've just stopped by to see how you are.
How's life treating you so far.
I've been good ya know?
But I've been better.
I'm looking forward to colder weather.
I'd love to sit and talk with you..
but I know that's something I can't do.
Although, that's okay.
It's alright.
I'm just a little drunk tonight.
289 · Jul 2016
Accessed a memory
Chameleon Jul 2016
I can remember being about seven or eight years old, and listening to the song 1985 on the radio, as I sat in the back seat of my dad's old Cadillac.
I was all bundled up, kind-of cold, waiting for the car to warm up after being inside the bowling alley for my brother's practice.
I have always been a good listener, so the lyric about wishing it still was 1985, made me think of my mom.
I wondered if she wished she could go back in time.
I didn't fully understand of course; except that I spent my childhood wishing I was somewhere else.
But now as an adult, I can almost guarantee that my mom felt like that and probably still does.
There will always be a period in time when we were the happiest, the best of ourselves.
Nostalgia is painful, and dreadful and impossible to forget about.

I guess I wish it was still 2013.
288 · Nov 2015
love
Chameleon Nov 2015
He was just a boy she worked with
who made her lose her breath
every time he looked at her.
She was a girl that he couldn't
help but kiss,
the first time they hungout.

They spent hours together,
days,
then years and
they fell in love,
made love
and created love.
288 · Oct 2015
its empty
Chameleon Oct 2015
Right now,
I am practicing some advice I
once read from Charles Bukowski.
If you can't write; dont.
I must be riding out a similar storm.
Everything coming out of my head
is dry, and badly put.
Everywhere I look,
it seems as though someone
shows me, I don't know what I'm doing.
288 · Oct 2024
A week together
Chameleon Oct 2024
He kissed my fingertips
and then the palm of
my hand.
He continued up
my arm
until he pulled me
closer and
kissed my lips.
He smiled at me
with his big blue eyes
and then turned back
to his computer
and continued drawing.
He’s so affectionate,
like a puppy;
cute and scruffy.
He tells me I’m pretty
just to see me smile,
and holds my hand
on the couch.
We’ve spent the week together,
talking, and drawing and coloring.
Making love and going out
for Chinese.
I wish every week could
be like this.
287 · Mar 2024
Monday
Chameleon Mar 2024
The man I’m seeing
works third shift.
So I don’t see him very often
but we talk a lot.

The other night
he called off work
so we could spend
time together.
He said that kissing me
makes him feel better
so he needed to skip.
And we did a lot of kissing
as well as other things.
I wish he could
call off work more often.
285 · Jul 2023
Like me
Chameleon Jul 2023
There is a bottle of perfume that he
bought me for Valentines Day.
It now sits on my dresser.
I haven’t wanted to wear it
since we broke up.

But tonight I reached for it
and sprayed it on my neck and arms.
Turns out it doesn’t smell like him
it smells like me.
285 · Dec 2018
Alone together
Chameleon Dec 2018
You know how it is when it's just you and another person.
285 · Mar 2016
Favorite
Chameleon Mar 2016
The roar of motorcycles,
a warm breeze.
The hot sun glowing through the trees.
Blue skies, and classic rock.
People are finally smiling again.
Kids outside playing basketball.
And there is this force that tugs at your
heart, making you day dream
about laying out on a beach or being deep in the woods on a trail.
Birds chirping and beautiful sunsets.
The smells of an approaching summer.
It's finally spring time.
283 · Mar 2016
Window
Chameleon Mar 2016
Dan Auerbach makes me want
to stand outside your house,
with a boom box.
80's movie style.
Just to see if it hits you
like it does me.
The first few strings played on that guitar,
feel like falling in love with you.

It's actually tragically beautiful.
I am a girl who will forever be stuck,
head over heels.

And you?
Who knows. Probably forgot about me a long time ago.
But I always wonder.
Maybe in ten years we'll meet again.
Single.
And my life will stop feeling like looking through a window at someone I don't know.
280 · Sep 2016
My life is a regret
Chameleon Sep 2016
I should've gotten out of here when I could have.
Maybe not Iowa, but anywhere would be better than here.
Maybe I'd be happy,
maybe I would've finished college.
Maybe I wouldn't have such obvious bald patches as I do today.
Maybe my teeth wouldn't be ****** up.
Maybe I wouldn't be trying to pay for everything by myself.

******* for keeping me here.
You always used to try and guilt me by saying,
I'm changing my whole life for you.
Yeah, well you went right back to "your life," while mine was the one that ended up being altered.
If not for you, I know my life would be completely different. Better.
****. I hate you sometimes.
I wish you had never said you loved me.
279 · Apr 2016
Couples
Chameleon Apr 2016
We are far from the perfect couple.
But we aren't trying to be.
We go days without seeing each other, barely speaking.
But when we do, we spend our time in bed because you say I give the best head, and I just miss human touch.
When people ask me about us,
I say that it's complicated, but we love each other.
We are two young people that don't have their **** together,
but feel better when we're together.
We are toxic and intoxicating.
277 · Apr 2019
Tent night
Chameleon Apr 2019
I couldn’t see the stars through the ceiling of our apartment as we lay in a tent you set up in the living room.

But I could see them when I looked at you.
277 · Feb 2016
What's really good
Chameleon Feb 2016
I miss the hunger.
That long awaited passion.
No foreplay, it's unnecessary.
Just kissing, and
heavy breathing.
Pulling each other closer,
and closer.
When he just calls you baby,
and pulls you on.
And two become one.
Sorry, a little personal with this one
276 · May 2016
Someone find me
Chameleon May 2016
Writing has always been my voice, because I feel like I have no one else to talk to.
Sometimes I breathe, and I am filled with joy and I feel life is great and so am I. And those moments are wonderful.
But that's all they are.
Moments.
Usually I am terribly, secretly depressed. Trying to find solace in food and **** and alcohol and ***.
I just want to feel happy, all the time.
How did you do it? You made me someone who smiled at everyone and laughed. I was funny.
Why can't I be like that without you?
I used to try, and I told myself I was doing it for you..
I guess so maybe the universe would bring you back if I stayed positive.
But when I realized that wasn't going to happen..
I got lost. So, so lost.
276 · Jan 7
Done
Chameleon Jan 7
I almost find it
strange now,
when I hear some one
talk about yearning to
get back together
with an ex.
I always wonder,
why??
The last time my heart
was broken,
was the last time I
will let him do that.
I don’t even want him
back.
It’s too much work,
and there’s too
much history.
It’s too late.
The guy I’m with now
would be the same.
If we break up,
that’s it.
No second chances,
third. Fourth. Fifth.
Just done.
274 · Oct 2018
Tired
Chameleon Oct 2018
I miss him but I'm tired of missing him.
So tired of it that I basically slept all day because at least then I don't miss him anymore.
273 · Jun 2019
Luv u
Chameleon Jun 2019
I love you so much for
making room for me
in your life.
For staying when you came
into my apartment that December morning
and proving that not everybody leaves.
272 · Nov 2016
Its been a long time
Chameleon Nov 2016
So, maybe you aren't the ultimate love of my life.
But I think I figured out what my purpose for falling head over heels was.
It showed me how love is supposed to feel.
Like, finally being able to breathe and when you are together it's as though someone turned the volume down on earth.
The sun is always shining through the rain, and feeling like you could die the next day and be fulfilled.
It showed me how happiness feels.
Now I know how it's supposed to be.
I'll always be so ******* greatful that I got to be one of the lucky humans to experience that because I know how rare it is now.
So, I'd like to say Thank you sunshine for changing my life.
269 · Sep 2015
in bed
Chameleon Sep 2015
7 a.m sleepy hands,
sliding up my leg.
Kisses almost hidden,
if not for early morning light
peaking through the shades.
It's a Saturday,
in bed with him.
269 · Jan 2016
Any more
Chameleon Jan 2016
Funny,
that I just now realized that
you are not any more than
a person.
Not any more than me.

I am just as magical,
if not more; because
my dreams are bigger,
267 · Nov 2015
holiday season
Chameleon Nov 2015
The holidays have always
been romantic for me
as a poor, single poet.
But I am not anymore.
Still kind of a poet though..
That's why I always felt the need
for a couple glasses of wine
around family members who asked
about how my life was going.
But now I should feel proud to talk.
But I'm still showing fashionably late,
alone.
I don't know why we play out this relationship so differently than other people.
I suppose I let it become this way;
because that's what I thought I wanted.
Although I'm beginning to realize
I have never known what that is.
267 · Feb 8
there’s more to it
Chameleon Feb 8
That’s the thing
with most men.
They’re takers,
not givers.
266 · Nov 2015
the weekend
Chameleon Nov 2015
I'm calling it an early night.
I'm ready for sleep.
Hoping my mouth won't hurt in the
morning,
from smoking, eating
and worst of all,
grinding my teeth.
I've tried calling him about 3 times,
just to say;
I miss you and I love you.
Good night, I can't wait to see you.
He didn't pick up.
No service I guess.
So, I'll go to sleep lonely
like I normally do.
Maybe I'll have company in my dreams.
264 · Feb 2016
Home
Chameleon Feb 2016
Laugh until we think we'll die,
Barefoot on a summer night
Never could be sweeter than with you
264 · Dec 2015
For you
Chameleon Dec 2015
You will never have to ask
what it feels like to be madly in love,
if you are.
You will feel it in every atom of your body.
The air will feel soft,
the sun will always shine even on
a rainy day,
and you will begin to greet everyone
with a real smile that you'll notice
You've been wearing all day.
You'll forget about all the time you spent at work,
because you were day dreaming about that person the whole time.
Being madly in love is manic,
and honest,
and endless.
263 · Sep 2024
Pretty girl
Chameleon Sep 2024
My ex FaceTimed me
from Alaska the other day.
Cheerful and
slightly drunk.
Telling me all about
his new adventure.
He saw me smiling
at him and he said,
“Such a pretty girl,
look at you.”
I bashfully rejected
the idea and he said
“Give yourself some credit.”

I agreed only to stop
him from continuing
but I wondered why
is it,
when after the relationship
is dead and gone,
do the men I once craved
attention like that from
finally dish it out so freely.
263 · Sep 2018
Summer is almost over
Chameleon Sep 2018
Im dreaming of colder weather,
and I'm ready for it to get dark early.
To grab a coat on the way out the door to pull over a sweater.
October will be here soon and the leaves will fall and crunch under my feet; the spooky season.
I can't wait to see my nephew turn 3 years old in November and then celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas with my family.
I love when the seasons change, it always feels like a new beginning.
260 · Dec 2023
Waiting
Chameleon Dec 2023
I have found myself waiting.
I’m paralyzed in bed waiting for the clock to say 3:30.
When I will drive to see him
for the last time.
I wrote him a letter
but I am not sure it matters
what I say.
Or if I even want to give it to him.
But I’m going to get up.
I have things to do besides wait
all day long for him.
I’ve wasted years of my life waiting
on him and all he’s ever done is disappoint me.
259 · Oct 2018
A little more
Chameleon Oct 2018
He's my person even if I'm not his.
258 · Jul 2018
Photos
Chameleon Jul 2018
After therapy today I opened Instagram and saw he had sent me a video.
It was of him, shirtless; (his job is roofing) although I could only see his shoulders, in a car.
I couldn't have smiled more.
I sent him a photo of me sitting at the dining room table when I got home.
This began a few hours worth of sharing photos and little videos of what we were doing through out the day.
I went to the laundry mat.
He was on lunch break.
I left the laundry mat.
He began working again.
I went to the grocery store.
He was taking a break.. without a shirt again.
Then he sent a message that said,
"Cutie."
And my brain turned into a teenage girl and squealed with happiness.
Gross, I know.
We continued to message a little as he got home from work and I went to get ****.
Now I'm at home having already had one glass of wine and now I'm having a beer, hoping to hear more from him, or maybe receive another picture.
257 · Apr 2024
Necklace
Chameleon Apr 2024
I gave him a necklace
that looks just like
the one I always wear.
I wanted to give him
something that would
remind him of me.

When I gave it to him
he put it on right away,
as I bashfully tried to
make a joke.
He said,
“Come here”
and kissed me.

He hasn’t taken it off since.
256 · Jul 2018
A boring Saturday
Chameleon Jul 2018
I had a very boring weekend.
He never got ahold of me today to hangout, so I guess he wasn't serious.
I woke up around 11 a.m and sat at the dining room table watching YouTube videos for awhile, trying to decide what to do.
I went to to check the mail and luckily my Ipsy bag came.
I put on the blush that was in the bag and it really finished off my makeup.
I put on a black dress and boots and decided to go to Goodwill just to look around since boredom was really sinking in.
I ended up finding a light mint green GAP skirt that buttons up the front and a yellow summery shirt with some designs on it.
When I got home I went to lay out in my back yard to try and get some sun,
but that didn't last long because some stupid mosquitos started biting me.
I made chili for dinner, it was very good.
Then I watched some more YouTube videos and ended up falling asleep for awhile.
255 · Sep 2019
An oldie
Chameleon Sep 2019
There she is.
My old pal sadness, it's been awhile since her last visit.
She must have gone to see the ocean or the Grand Canyon, but, she always comes back. She never really leaves my side because nothing gold can stay.
I wrote this almost a year ago and posted it but it’s relevant to how I’ve been feeling lately.
254 · Nov 2016
Thanks for giving
Chameleon Nov 2016
I've got a major body buzz after eating a *** brownie,
watching the X-files.

Happy bakesgiving.

Dinner is at 3:00.
My dog is napping beside me.
My house is warm, it's cold outside.

I don't know how to end this.
So, I'm going to smoke a cigarette and get ready to leave.
253 · Dec 2024
Comfortable
Chameleon Dec 2024
He told me he feels
comfortable singing
around me,
and that he never
really has with anyone
else before
253 · Jun 2016
Cigarettes in bed
Chameleon Jun 2016
I dream of seeing these desperate feelings on real tangible paper one day.
Dream of being beautiful one day.
To someone who is dying to marry me.
Dream of being so much more than this girl who drinks alone on Friday nights.
Just dream. All the ******* time.
Do you?
253 · Dec 2018
Candle
Chameleon Dec 2018
He's so good to me that if I think about it enough I might cry.
But that shouldn't be my reaction.
I should be overflowing with happiness and squealing like a teenage girl.

Picturing him standing by the candles smelling so many it makes him nauseous all because he remembered I said I wanted a new one is so sweet.
He remembered.

Like after we went to the bar and Nick said something I can't remember about us being together,
and Cainan put his hand on my shoulder and said,
"She's important to me."
It caught me by surprise.
252 · Sep 2015
you and me
Chameleon Sep 2015
I like when I'm in your
t-shirt and you are not,
and it's just me,
you,
and the bed.
252 · Sep 2018
Temporary
Chameleon Sep 2018
I have always been surrounded by temporary people.
People who were attracted to me at one point and then whatever light I had burned out.
Why I've never had fulfilling friendships or meaningful romantic relationships.
After awhile I had to realize that maybe it's me, and maybe that's just the way it is.
That my weekends will be lonely, and my weeks even lonelier.
And one day he will leave and become another person that I have sad memories with.
252 · Dec 2024
Permanent
Chameleon Dec 2024
I’ve built this belief
that nothing is
permanent.
No person, place
or thing will stay
forever..
Nothing is in
my control
so I feel out of control.
But I’m already expecting
him to leave, to stop,
to change
when he hasn’t.
The second I walk out
his door,
I feel worried
and he feels good.
I want to believe him
but instead I fear him.
252 · Jul 2018
Love me
Chameleon Jul 2018
I want you to save me
even though I know you can't.

In my mind you are the solution.
If I could just find a way to get to you then all of my problems would be solved.
You would make me happy, and put my needs first, and love me like nobody's ever loved me.

But, that probably wouldn't happen.
You wouldn't be able to make me happy for very long,
you wouldn't put me first, because no man ever has.
You'd be just as selfish as every other.
I'd just go from one guy who wouldn't love me like I deserve, to another.
No one will ever love me like I love them.
251 · Sep 2016
Where this all began
Chameleon Sep 2016
Ya know, if I hate you,
it's because you destroyed me.
I always wonder,
Man how come I don't see the world the way I used to?
You.
You stole it from me.
I know you could see it on my face, because everyone could.
I scared my mother to death because I had the word ADVENTURE in my eyes.
Every day was like a new beginning, I had so much hope, energy and love.
If I hate you it's because I was only 18.
I will admit that I was too young, naive, ready to soak in any and all compliments from men; but buzzing right by them.
A savage honey bee.

Until you stopped me.
Used me.
Tortured me.
Made me feel small.
Had me believing that without you I was nothing.. when really I was everything.
251 · Feb 2016
Stubborn
Chameleon Feb 2016
We are so dysfunctional.
Two rams butting heads.
There never is a right, or wrong.
We know each other's pressure points.
Mine: college dropout, yet privileged by the help of the family I was born into. Alcoholic father who lies.
Him: unemployed, *******, doesn't love me.
Today, in the middle of one of our worst fights I was sobbing.
Suddenly he stepped forward and said,
"baby, don't cry."
He held me for a few seconds until he realized I wasn't going to stop and for some reason, it annoyed him.
The chaos continued.
Somehow we always end up apologizing and saying I love you I love you I love you.
We are a little toxic for each other, but too crazy for the other to end after two years.
I just think it's weird how love works.
It can cover up even the wounds we think won't heal.
251 · Sep 2016
Better than that
Chameleon Sep 2016
It feels really good to know
that if you called me tomorrow
and begged for me back
I'd be able to say,
too late


*loser.
;)
251 · Jun 2021
Well
Chameleon Jun 2021
it’s been a long time since I’ve said
I hate you
to myself.


That **** hurts
250 · Jan 2016
Leave me
Chameleon Jan 2016
If this love gets washed down the drain,
discarded like an empty pop can;
If I get stepped all over...

I'm tired of never being enough,
I'll never be enough.

Instead of building a beautiful life with me in my rickety shack,
they jump out of the window and run towards the mansion with a better view.
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