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Chameleon Nov 2016
So, maybe you aren't the ultimate love of my life.
But I think I figured out what my purpose for falling head over heels was.
It showed me how love is supposed to feel.
Like, finally being able to breathe and when you are together it's as though someone turned the volume down on earth.
The sun is always shining through the rain, and feeling like you could die the next day and be fulfilled.
It showed me how happiness feels.
Now I know how it's supposed to be.
I'll always be so ******* greatful that I got to be one of the lucky humans to experience that because I know how rare it is now.
So, I'd like to say Thank you sunshine for changing my life.
Chameleon Oct 2016
Purple lilacs shedding their petals that drift to the ground with each cool breeze.

Just like the season, I am changing.

Stuck between blue water and green houses,
and chilly days that are orange and yellow.

Even though lately I've been stuck behind a filter of grey that far too often turns black.

I am Alice falling down the rabbit hole, watching all of these colors swirl around me, yet unable to grab onto one.

So I'll just enjoy the breeze on the way and hope that where ever I end up is more beautiful than where I am now.
Chameleon Oct 2016
On Saturday night I didn't go out to dinner with my family because I discovered a new, big bald patch.

Right in the front of my hair line, on the other side of where my bangs used to be.
Except with this one, I can't cover it up.

I kind of jokingly mentioned it to my boyfriend, and he told me I looked fine.
But then my fingers kept attacking the same spot, and my brain began to get mad, and then scared.

Why do I let it get this bad?!
Why can't I just stop?!

I'm going to have to shave my head.
For real this time.

So, I told my boyfriend I was gonna go lie down and take a nap.
I really just couldn't stand being inside my head any longer.

I really scared myself. That was one of the first times I actually lied to my family as to why I couldn't go out. I lied about wanting to take a nap because I was about to take the clippers to my hair.

It was one of the first times I felt this thing really taking over me.
Chameleon Oct 2016
It's 4:40 in the morning and I am at work.
I'm a custodian.
My whole night revolves around the clock,
drifting from one bathroom to the next.
Of course I do more than that.
But it's all such a bore.
I was done with everything for the night an hour ago,
but I can't leave until 6.
So, I will make myself look busy.
I have no **** at home so I'll probably stay up the rest of the day, watching YouTube videos since sleep will not be in the cards for me.
One more shift later and then I'll be free for the weekend.
Free to pay my bills, maybe get groceries, buy some ****, and binge watch The Office on Netflix for the second time.

And then start all over again next week.
  Oct 2016 Chameleon
okayindigo
My mother was a writer.
I remember her,
papers spread out upon a bed sheet in the sand,
stacked pebbles protecting her work from the wind
as I made drip-castles at the water's edge
and braided crowns from wild poppies.
I would run to her so she could
rub grape sunscreen into my sandy shoulders
and I asked her once,
“Mama,
is that poetry?”
and she said “No little one,
you are poetry,
this only tries to be.”
and I thanked her,
and ran back to the water
to search for flat stones to skip,
and thought no more of poetry.
Chameleon Oct 2016
What would my life be like without trichotillomania?

It wouldn't take me 30 minutes to put my hair in a ponytail because I always hate the way it looks.
I could have bangs.
I wouldn't instinctively look into every mirror or reflective surface I pass by.
I might not have depression, which means I wouldn't constantly worry.
I wouldn't feel like I'm not good enough.
I might be able to see this "beautiful girl" that lives in my body that I've heard about.
I might be happier.  

It's a big question, and I'll never know what life would actually be like for me. But. I like to imagine.
Chameleon Oct 2016
As each day passes we get farther and farther away from each other.
I used to be able to wake up and know you still missed me.
Know that I ran through your mind that day.
I'm farther away from when you put on Fear and Loathing and handed me a beer, only to take it from my hand later and kiss me for the first time.
That bond we had is gone now.
We talk every few months or comment on each other's facebook posts.
We used to see each other every day.
I miss you all the time.
I never told you that I loved you.
But I did.
I loved you like crazy
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