Chameleon

Chameleon Oct 2016

Dream

I'll keep having drunken dreams
about you putting your arm around me.
I lay my head on your shoulder
and you say to someone who asks,
"this is my girl."
I love that.

Chameleon Oct 2016

I ******* hate you

I am such an angry person and it's all because of you.
I would leave you today, but I know it would break your heart.
I mean, who else could you find that does everything I ******* do?
And when I'm stressed and anxious you can't even give me five minutes to talk.
You never try to make me feel better.
*******.
*******.
I hate you so ******* much.
Keep sleeping on my ******* couch,
you definitely need your rest for a big day of doing NOTHING!!!

Chameleon Oct 2016

What is my purpose

I haven't thought about him in a long time.
And it's not even that I miss him or still love him, at all.
It's that, I was supposed to outshine him.
I was supposed to be successful, making my own money, with a lot of friends.
I was supposed to find the love of my life and get married first and post it all over facebook and make him feel like I do now.
How did everything get so backwards?
How is he already getting married?
Why not me?
I want all of that. Happiness. A proposal. A wedding. Traveling. A nice house. A kid?
I pretend every day, that I think all of that is so over rated and that I'm too young, I have my whole life.
But, I really don't. I'm getting older every day and my life is going nowhere.
I'm running out of time and missing out on huge life moments.
Will I ever have a baby? Someone else that actually brings purpose to my life.
I'm beginning to think the answer is no.
And I have no purpose. I am here for no reason.

Chameleon Oct 2016

Falling apart

It's October 4th.
It's been about a week since I posted my last poem.
Which is kind of odd for me. I usually write almost every day.
But, I haven't been doing well lately.
My depression and anxiety are higher than ever.
In the last month I've lost more hair than in the last year.
I can't keep up with my bills.
I am barely able to feed myself.
I haven't been taking care of myself.
I need a hair cut, to clean my house, go to the dentist, get birth control pills.
My life is an actual mess.
When I'm not at work, I'm sleeping or stressing about where my next "meal" is going to come from.
I'm paying for everything for my boyfriend on an income that actually only barely supports one person.
He won't go get a real job, but I have to make sure I spend hundreds of dollars a month on **** so he can be happy staying at my house all day and night.
I keep hoping that once this year is over, that maybe. Just maybe. My life will turn around.
That this is just a rough patch. That it will end.
But.... Will it?

Chameleon Sep 2016

Im better than what you think

Moments like these,
when I can feel the wild cool wind against my skin I wonder why I let him drag me down.
I am a gypsy child,
young and beautiful and too good for him.

Chameleon Sep 2016

Better than that

It feels really good to know
that if you called me tomorrow
and begged for me back
I'd be able to say,
too late

*loser.

;)

Chameleon Sep 2016

Unpopular opinions

°Don't get married to someone unless you've been together for at least three years. Five years to be safe.
It takes a really really long time to get to know someone.
°Just because you have a child with someone doesn't mean you HAVE to marry them. Ever. Your kid will turn out fine.
°****** is a choice, not a disease.
°I don't believe there are "soul mates" anymore. Or that you can love one person forever. People change, it's inevitable.
°Love is temporary. ^^
°Twenty-one Pilots *****. Their music isn't original, it's boring.
°Beyonce is even worse. She's definitely part of that group you don't speak of.
°Aliens are real. Seriously.

That's it for now. I know I have a lot more, I just can't think of them right now.