Light brown, dusted with specks
Of mischief and kindness.
I don’t dare blink.
Soaking in every second
Our gazes continue to meet.

the hurt you are capable of?
the true shadows of your soul?
do you honestly feel worthy of love?
Do you not feel the guilt and shame
as sludge on your boots, keeping you
Rooted in a puddle of self loathing?
Perhaps hurricanes have come and will come
To wash away your sins and blow away
The memory of your past misgivings.

I have not stopped silently screaming
Into the world what you have done.
The nightmares worsen
Each shower hotter than the last
Each haircut shorter
The fear
The regret
And most of all
The hatred.

I shake the carton
two crumpled cigs
Slide out into your palms
We laugh at the ridiculousness
Knowing we’ll need to make a stop-
Perhaps our last midnight adventure
Lighting one each to bide our insatiable thirst
I watch your jawline through the smoke
Tense, tongue holding back words
I already know in my heart.
We won’t survive this one
Together or apart,
Death has come for us.
I lean against the light post
Smile hinting at my lips
It brings me peace knowing
Your lips don’t want to say the truth
For once, perhaps we thought
Living could be for us.

I don’t see a way out of this one
Except down
Down
Down
Down.

“I don’t belong here” I think
Hearing the stories
Of people who have broken
Way beyond repair
Yet they smile at me
And welcome my pain.
All I see is tender hearts
And determined minds
they are completely whole
they are the ugly truth
we are just alcoholics
one drink away from touching the sun.

Thoughts of you consume me
Igniting a path of desire
I almost beg you to follow
With those calloused fingertips
My breath quickens
Hands between my thighs
Quivering with delight
Who should have the first taste?
Is it you or shall I?

Do we kiss in your dreams?
Hug until we forget where we end?
Do your arms ache for the shadows?
Knowing I’m lurking just a few streets away.
Its you I’m holding in my drunken dreams
When I awake and your spot is empty
I can’t help but cry out in disbelief
It’s you I’m longing for
Is it,
Is it just me?

I drink a lot these early mornings
6am and the crack of a hard cider
cuts through the still empty morning haze
bottle caps fill my sink clogging the drain
When does the fog clear?

red fat drops mix with the condensation
Lining the “Jamaican Me Happy ” Seagram’s
I clench loosely in my right hand
Anger shifting in the depths of my stomach
It’s hard to believe I wasn’t always violent.

the elephants stand
woven from weeds
four have been chosen
forced to leave
their great migration.

I keep them company
Rooted in one spot
It seems I am waiting for you
It’s a small city so I’m sure
You’re just around the corner

The sun has shone and hid
Multiple times between clouds
Fluffy and stark white against
An endless Texas blue sky
Your hat nowhere to be seen
Bobbing through the park
I’ve begun to lose hope.

“I really like you” I say
Sheepish grin stealing away
On my face, only illuminated
By the streetlights and other passing cars
“Thank you” he says, grinning back
“I like you too”

It seems impossible my heart
was not meant to sink into yours  
The odds, the signs, fate itself
why couldn’t it all mean us

he didn’t simply hold my hand
instead he cradled it between
both of his as if I was made
to be handled with care.
I didn’t dare tell him
I’ve been broken
so many times
It’s too late
to be gentle

My grief turned twenty-one years old
So I took it out with me,
ordered enough drinks for two
and ended my night telling her gravestone
I really needed her to just come back to me.

I didn’t mind flying too close to the sun for you
If I’m being honest I knew my wings were on fire
I set them ablaze before I jumped off the cliff
I just wanted to fall
Fall with your eyes in sight
And warmth in mind
I wanted to fall and crash and burn
Dying for someone
Is always much easier than choosing to live

just because I know
not to repeat the same silly decisions,
doesn’t mean I wish they weren’t made
You see
I do not regret
The love I gave
The love I found
The love I lost
It all returns

my heart trembles,
I don’t tell her no.
Instead I point my feet
in your direction
and drink in the kindness
pooling in your eyes.

in the same way bones break,
to protect our vitality.
perhaps hearts must break,
to protect our humanity.

If I could bottle the sureness
That washes over my body
At the thought of coffee shops
and late nights with pouring rain
Your hat weaving through the crowd,
To perch across from me,
We wouldn’t need to talk.
You’d just know.
The certainty in my bones
the desire in my clenched thighs.
Trilling my fingers on the table
Not from fear but to add to the tune
Humming and whistling through my heart.

The way my eyes soften scanning your face
mentally tracing the indents of crows feet,
searching for any worry I can smooth away,
and dipping low to see if your mouth is just as hungry.
Resting my jean-clad legs against your own.
Warmth and comfort beyond the hot chocolate
Edging my lips and coating your tongue.

The way you no longer
Spend every moment seeking out
The one you love
Once they’ve confirmed they’re yours
They way each second is just a second
Instead of another second with them
There was a time you pined to share the same air
And now you walk past without a hello
knowing they’ll be meeting you at home later

I woke up wondering
Where the sadness
ever present on my shoulders
disappeared to this week

Pink, neatly sorted into a wooden block
The golden rimmed knives glint and gleam
I yearn and yearn to no longer be clean.

I realize- a little late
As the road continues
I only take the pathways
I can handle alone

There’s a gaping hole in my chest
Proof I’ve loved, a massacre on my boots
I brace a hand hoping it’ll be enough
Hoping I will be enough

sometimes we don’t survive
we don’t live to tell our story
we don’t live to change our fate

It’s a heavy weight to carry,
This life you gave me,
In exchange for your own.
I don’t mean to be ungrateful
when I sob to you
“I don’t want to keep on living either”

the taste melts on my tongue
little bits of crunch between my teeth
it pains me this very piece
won’t slide across the table
making your eyes glossy with delight

I don’t want to get lost in the semantics
Darling go ahead and break my heart
I already told the moon I’d forgive you

You would sit for a bit longer at the table
gazing back into my wide eyes
Your smile would widen to match mine
and I’d be able to lose myself
Without all the white lines

Because sometimes self care is
Accounting for the food
Bulimia is going to take away from you
And stocking up on extra just in case
Anorexia keeps you hungry for days

I lay beside you
your arm tucked
tight against my chest
I know I am dreaming
But I swear your heartbeat
is really beating and I’m warm
Under your small breaths
I don’t have to move the blanket
the asleep version of me
instantly knows it’s you.
I feel the empty rage in my heart from
betrayals that haven’t been forgotten
but also the warm love
That I only ever feel for you
it’s emanating from deep within
The same spot that convinced me
You were my true home  

In my dream we weren’t hoping
To be back in love together
There were no puppy thoughts
Or sappy feelings
The bad stuff had still happened
And we were not thinking of forever

But when our eyes would meet
They would echo with deep respect
The type that comes after truly
Destroying one another and
Healing apart
There was true forgiveness.
But most importantly
There was
You.

My dad tells me people have been
Dying often these days
Not just people, but
Distant uncles I mostly knew
Through phone calls, odd gifts, and stiff hugs
Just a year or two age difference
some older
a lot have been younger.

My dad tells me my oldest brother called-
I haven’t seen him in over ten years.
He seems so out of touch and hard to understand
it’s like we’ve lost him to the bloodline madness.

“I don’t want to lose you too” my dad tells me
the words tumbling out of his mouth
he hesitates, regretting the brief display of emotion

There’s nothing more I want
than to be lost

I’m six years old again
And home alone
calmly convincing myself
No one can reach me here
On the floor hiding behind clothes
Crying in the dark
It’s like I never left

I burn in the shower remembering
When I was coming to from anesthesia
faint memory of hands and my drugged protest
deep slumber and the thought
“why won’t he just stop?”
and him saying
“I did stop, after awhile”

You became the very thing
That drove your mother to madness

I’m afraid to speak ever again
for the words lining my tongue
are no longer sweet and polite
I rage with hatred
I sob with regret
and these bones they crumble
under the weight of my past
You will not find forgiveness
In this shell of a body
the essence of me lazily occupies
You will not find any remnants
of the sun that shined in my smile
My feet, they are so heavy,
crushing saplings of hope
before they have a chance to sprout
I leave chaos in my wake
and my tears have frozen in the winter wind
permanently remaining on my face
no longer able to hold the emotions within.

it’s my birthday and I’m 17 again
red dripping down my wrists
thighs aching from my biggest masterpiece
throat raw from leftovers and forgotten promises
no one remembers
no one ever remembers

I am my fathers daughter
the same way some boys are
cut from the same cloth
malignant entitled *******
stunted from ever becoming
men capable of so much more
As I wait for news of your death
the flint in my eyes
mirrors my fathers
when he begged me to **** myself
understand the way I understand
I am my fathers daughter
a life must be paid