You would sit for a bit longer at the table
gazing back into my wide eyes
Your smile would widen to match mine
and I’d be able to lose myself
Without all the white lines

Because sometimes self care is
Accounting for the food
Bulimia is going to take away from you
And stocking up on extra just in case
Anorexia keeps you hungry for days

I lay beside you
your arm tucked
tight against my chest
I know I am dreaming
But I swear your heartbeat
is really beating and I’m warm
Under your small breaths
I don’t have to move the blanket
the asleep version of me
instantly knows it’s you.
I feel the empty rage in my heart from
betrayals that haven’t been forgotten
but also the warm love
That I only ever feel for you
it’s emanating from deep within
The same spot that convinced me
You were my true home  

In my dream we weren’t hoping
To be back in love together
There were no puppy thoughts
Or sappy feelings
The bad stuff had still happened
And we were not thinking of forever

But when our eyes would meet
They would echo with deep respect
The type that comes after truly
Destroying one another and
Healing apart
There was true forgiveness.
But most importantly
There was
You.

My dad tells me people have been
Dying often these days
Not just people, but
Distant uncles I mostly knew
Through phone calls, odd gifts, and stiff hugs
Just a year or two age difference
some older
a lot have been younger.

My dad tells me my oldest brother called-
I haven’t seen him in over ten years.
He seems so out of touch and hard to understand
it’s like we’ve lost him to the bloodline madness.

“I don’t want to lose you too” my dad tells me
the words tumbling out of his mouth
he hesitates, regretting the brief display of emotion

There’s nothing more I want
than to be lost

I’m six years old again
And home alone
calmly convincing myself
No one can reach me here
On the floor hiding behind clothes
Crying in the dark
It’s like I never left

I burn in the shower remembering
When I was coming to from anesthesia
faint memory of hands and my drugged protest
deep slumber and the thought
“why won’t he just stop?”
and him saying
“I did stop, after awhile”

You became the very thing
That drove your mother to madness

I’m afraid to speak ever again
for the words lining my tongue
are no longer sweet and polite
I rage with hatred
I sob with regret
and these bones they crumble
under the weight of my past
You will not find forgiveness
In this shell of a body
the essence of me lazily occupies
You will not find any remnants
of the sun that shined in my smile
My feet, they are so heavy,
crushing saplings of hope
before they have a chance to sprout
I leave chaos in my wake
and my tears have frozen in the winter wind
permanently remaining on my face
no longer able to hold the emotions within.

it’s my birthday and I’m 17 again
red dripping down my wrists
thighs aching from my biggest masterpiece
throat raw from leftovers and forgotten promises
no one remembers
no one ever remembers

I am my fathers daughter
the same way some boys are
cut from the same cloth
malignant entitled *******
stunted from ever becoming
men capable of so much more
As I wait for news of your death
the flint in my eyes
mirrors my fathers
when he begged me to **** myself
understand the way I understand
I am my fathers daughter
a life must be paid

a seed from a bouquet of forget me nots
the smell of tangerines waft in the air
a round full stomach, I think of
the baby that should have been there
instead the tissues drip red and black
towels underneath and heartbeats falling flat
I knew even if I made a deal with the devil
to try and secure your life it would be to no avail
but why oh why did it have to come to this
my hands my arms an empty abyss

his eyes flash
and I know
uninterested
minds when
I see them

I wonder if all the men
who look in my direction
Have left a girl curled
in her bathtub demanding
from god a sweet merciful death
boiling their skin and passing out
to thoughts that won’t melt away.

bottle of birthday wine
shots taken hold the lime  
blacking out
to feel love
one last time
woke up in the morning
anger marring his cheeks
a hickey left on his neck
and theres girls at work he’s
been working on for weeks
covered it up said goodbye
when the door closed
popped as many pills as I could find
made sure the hope in me properly died
so there’d be nothing left of me
just empty so empty inside.

it must be nice all holed up
in a very full home
not wanting for anything
except what you’ve crushed
and ripped apart with
your own two uncontrollable hands

it must be nice to sit and play
forget the young girl you’ve led astray
having taken her innocence and will to pray
surely the devil was given a break
when you were born that wretched day

It must be nice to sleep in a bed
No worries or thoughts of what you did
On that very same mattress you lay your head
only thoughts of wanting to be dead
not even man enough to apologize instead.

It must be nice to be you.
The angry voice inside of me screams
But I know.
The suffering is shared by you too.
Forever shading our past
The deepest shade of blue.

no need for more breaths
no need to keep score
what’s done is done
I don’t want to hurt anymore

let my sorrow take
control of me
and my body
to slip away
peacefully
let the meadows
turn my blues green
and the wind
unknot the ties
of my stomachache  
have the rain cleanse
my impurities
the dirt cover me
like a mountain of sins
lay me to rest
i am empty within

no this feeling in my chest
rips me apart blood pools
in all crevices of my body
I scream until my voice is hoarse
cry until ***** joins my sobs
ache from sleeping on the floor
being unable to climb into bed
this is ruination
the only thing that was truly
ever between us.

we are fine
you are the only one
losing her mind.
How?
Please tell me how to be okay?
It’s been months and I still don’t know
how to feel okay today.
My body aches
I hurt as much on the outside as within
Blood pours from my throat
And drips down my legs.
The fire has extinguished from within
And my lighter hasn’t been
Able to burn itself in.
I haven’t been okay.
I don’t know how.

Another fall
No one to save me no one to call
I just want to end it all.

I beg each doctor to tell me what’s wrong
“He said I’m crazy that I need help that I’m mentally insane.
Tell me please what parts of me i shouldn’t retain”
They stare at me with pity in their eyes
only to always give out the same lies
“The love you feel is a symptom from your mom.
You know death waits for no one you’ve known this for long.
Each interaction, every conversation, you treat it as if it’s your last.
Nothings wrong with you dear.
You love hard because you know what it means to lose someone fast.”
They won’t tell me the truth
They won’t fix me
Only asking why the blame
Must solely rest on me.
It has to be my fault.
Doesn’t it?

My pillowcase has become just a towel
All the tears snot and blood
Making a mess of the sheets
I wonder how long your betrayal
Will claw out of my chest and assault me.

I wish I meant the world to someone
Everyone means so much to me
Their comfort their peace their happiness
But no one has seen my soul and decided
That it needs love and happiness as well.
What’s wrong with me?
Why am I so unlovable?
Why does everyone hate me as much as I do and even more?
I thought.
I really thought.
I could mean something to someone.
But I remain a stone unturned.
A falling tree unheard.
A soul that can’t be loved.

They are taking me somewhere today
To the store to get those supplies
I promised I would never buy
My total only adding up to $23.45
If only I had the courage to actually die.

We need you to call someone right now
Do you have someone to call who can come get you?
No no no one at all.
I did.
I had someone.
Someone was supposed to be here.
Someone promised me.
They promised.
They’d be here.
They’d take care of me.
Please.
Please don’t bother anyone.
I’m fine.
Let me go.
I have no address to give you
I belong to no location
Everything I own is in there.
Please don’t touch my stuff.
That’s all that’s left of my home.
The last shreds of my sanity
Please don’t take it all away.
Today I woke up hopeful for a good day.

Do I tell her?
about the pills that I hide
the lighter in my pocket
the razor handles missing blades
my inability to look in the mirror
the words I write across my thighs
the bald spot in the back of my head

How do I tell her?
I have consumed insanity
And this is who we have become.

Secrets may be kept quite
But they echo loudly within those
That were harmed.

it’s not going to work is it?
all the times I dry the tears off my face
The ***** from my chin
The blood from my limbs
I fear I will lose the fight to stay alive
And all my efforts will be nothing more
Than drawing out the pain.

life goes stale
misery circles in
black and grays
replacing the vividness
smells wafting from the fridge  
i just know rotten milk awaits

The neighbor watches
As my face contorts in pain again
He waits to see what I reach for
The pain meds that don’t really work
Or a pillow to drown out my sobs
Sometimes I see his kids little hands
Peeking through the curtains
I wonder if they all wonder
What the hell is wrong with me.

I want a release
A time for my mind
To not feel so guilty  
A time my heart does not
want to bust out of my chest
Or if my heart does want to explode
Let it be with the gleeful happiness
That comes from a hallucinogenic high
Let the pain slip away my hips
Find the rhythm they fell out of touch with
Several years and years ago
Let my glazed eyes feel the sunrise in an
Abandoned alleyway without knowing where I am
Let me never worry again about family
About the pitfalls of love
Let me join you uncle
In a ditch chasing the high
This world only gives to the users
I was always so disappointed in you
Wiping out just like that .
You promised you were clean
But it seems our hearts are just one and the same.

Blood dripping onto my pillows
As I try to escape this reality
The colorful pill diet
Waterboarding me between sleep
And an existential crisis.
I think a demon will come in tomorrow
He’ll probably be wearing a suit and tie
Maybe he’ll sit down for some coffee
And we’ll make pleasantries as the day goes by.
Oh there I’m wandering again.
My mind is slipping.
Hysteria has got me in her cage.
I hope I can hang on enough
To cull my life before I lose
More of myself in the rubble of this brick and mortar.

please please please please
help me
i am not okay
I don’t know why my life falls apart
I lost my only good luck charm
I can’t. I can’t. I can’t.
please somebody save me
the floor is full of holes
I’m falling. I’m falling. I’m falling.
please. please. please.
the devil has a hold on me.
god hasn’t heard my prayers.
please.
is there someone who can rescue me?

I float
Between destinations
My physical body
Worn down and aching
My spiritual side nonexistent
I fear they’ve crossed over
And have left me here
An empty bag of bones
Arriving at your door.

For a long time I took refuge in you
Nothing mattered except my tear stained cheeks
And heart palpitations from grief
The throw up bottle in my car
For when my stomach wanted to be as empty as my arms.
The brands on my legs to stop keep myself from crying.
Now I choose me.
And whoever I am with you
Bringing melancholy to my every step.
Let your reach spread into my new memories
Paint a world showing the impossible pursuit of happiness.
I will not fight you off.
I will be your comforting friend.
The hug the others refuse to give you.
Come sadness.
Let us take steps forward.
Afraid and sad.
Together.

Like my pair of safety scissors
I leave the mesh on my window intact
My outlets remain hidden in their covers
My keys tucked away in a different drawer each day.
The pills down the toilet drain only to be bought over and over again.
The razors tossed out after a longing caress
My weighted blanket anchoring me to my bed
Pulling all the stops to keep my mind from repeating “I’d be better off dead”.

Dear Mia,

I don’t know where I’d be without you. Perhaps a thousand more scars would line my thighs and decorate my arms. You gave me something to distract myself with when I thought a blade was the only way to punish myself.

Mia, oh how you came to me at dinner every night like a reliable friend. Reminding me to take sips between bites and chew my food to oblivion. Instructing me like a caring guide on all the right positions to make me sick faster and get everything out. You’d make sure I mouthwashed every night and knew I slept better with the ache of an empty stomach.

But you also left my knuckles raw from the scraping of my teeth. And when I rid of my stomachs contents the headaches I’d get were immensely painful. My heartbeat so fast I couldn’t move for fear of fainting. Constantly checking my breath for halitosis and the fear of eating in public. My family should hire me instead of a plumber having to clean out drains so often when I felt more deserving than the porcelain toilet bowl.

You took a lot out of me Mia. You’re absolutely no good for the dreams my heart holds anymore. And although your shadow will always flicker during meals, I won’t let you be a solid spirit in my life.

-Goodbye✌
P. S. Tell Ana she’s next