I told you I wanted to die...
You immediately said no...
Didn't ask why... Just a no...
Why so direct, no hesitation?
You surely don't actually like me... Like I like you...
Maybe I've been living in an illusion...
I'm getting anxious...
I'm crumbling, I don't think you've noticed,
I'm distancing myself again, pushing away...
I'm getting bad again, I don't know what is worse...
You ignoring me, or me pushing you away (everyone away)...
I'm a wreck, a lost cause, maybe you should give up on me...
I would if I where you... I'm not worth it... Trust me... Please?

I might **** up again.

I want to know if you still remember me;

...

I might ***** up again.

I want to know if you still care;

...

I might cease,

I want to know if I still matter;

...

But in the first place,

I meant nothing, haven't I?

Everyone expects a clear explanation
Just cause they don't see the scars
Nor the pain that burns in my throat
Or how bitter everything tastes in my mouth

Everyone thinks I make it up
Just cause I can stand
I wish I could just lay down and give up
But I won't, because you still won't believe.

Everyone thinks I am a liar
But if I drank the whole bottle
How would you feel?
If I fell limp and lifeless?

Everyone says my words are empty
Just cause they can't carry the weights
Why pretend to care?
What gain will you have from it?

Everyone says I'm wrong.
But none of them know I know.
Everyone wants to knock some sense into me.
But none of them know I have more of it than them.

Everyone thinks of me differently now
Everyone thinks of me, deranged;
Everyone thinks so since I continue to live;
I wonder if I grew languid.

Everyone has their words to say.
Everyone has their censures to tell.
How cowardly of me to hide in these words,
Without a voice, without a resolve.

I wonder if you knew what burden I bear
I wonder if you felt how ugly is the ugly
I wonder if you felt sympathy without a hidden agenda
I wonder if I—

I am a coward,
But you wouldn't know that,
Because I am a coward.
Through my thoughts and words.

I am a coward,
Silent when I should've been loud;
I am a coward,
Doubtful when I should've been proud.

I shall bring shame to my family,
As some of them have brought mine;
I shall bring shame to those who surround me,
Those who said I shouldn't give up on the line.

I will be selfish,
I will be foolish,
I will be fiendish,
I will try to end it.

I have seen the ugly,
I have felt how ugly.
I have seen your sorrows;
Yet I have not faced mine.

Now I am a coward,
Keeping the things I should've said,
Nothing more than a coward,
A lost cause better dead.

Don't blame yourself,
When you come see my grave,
Put your fake face on the shelf,
For once don't be a knave.

For those I will leave grieving,
I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough;
Maybe you did start caring,
Started caring but not enough.

I am a coward.
Put none on faith,
All alone, a *******,
Alone and lost and frail.

I am a coward,
To let myself be conquered,
By sickness and my thoughts,
By circumstance and words.

I am a coward,
Without saying why;
I am a coward,
To leave without saying goodbye.

I am a coward,
To end abruptly my own strife,
I wish you would forgive me,
For giving up my life.

To those who see these words,
May my omen bring you a sign;
Don't be alone, or at least try;
Don't repeat what mistake have I.

I am a coward.
It took me so long to let you know.
I am a coward.
Hopefully this goodbye isn't just for show.

Is it that you forget me,
Or is it you try to ignore;
Is it that you think I'm already better,
Or is it that you think I am a lost cause?

I have been here countless times already,
Yet none still ease the pain;
Qualms of grief and guilt,
Screams of help but none so inviting;

I'm still in this mess,
I'm sorry for dragging you in;
But I have no one else to go to;
No one wants to stay.

I just hope I pass by your thoughts,
Reminisce the pain,
How we hurt together,
Unknowingly but with consent.

Then again I guess I hurt you more,
Maybe that's why you would not rather.
I guess it's my fault but I still need you;
Please don't forget to remember.