Why did I dive this far into the dark
Knowing I couldn’t swim?
Knowing the light would slowly vanish above me?
Knowing the deep could easily swallow me whole?
There was no lifeguard close by
And the boat had too many holes
So I did the best I could,
But it wasn’t enough.
And now as I drift
To the bottom of the sea
I see
There was no way around this.
I would always come back to this moment.
With the light slowly vanishing
And water getting deeper
Only reaching the bottom
When the light blinks out.
I suddenly don’t mind
That the water is so cold
Because my lungs have burst
And I can no longer breathe
But it feels like maybe
This was all for the best.
Maybe my life is better off
At the bottom of the sea.

I don’t want to
Open my mouth
Because I’m still afraid
The truth might come out
And if it does
If it really breaks free
You’ll see what I am
You’ll see the true me
The one I hide
With jokes and lies
I’m a terrible person
All jokes aside
You don’t seem to know it
You don’t seem to see
Even a glimpse of that person
That I know to be me
I’m such a good actress
I hide it so well
Cover it with a laugh
And you’ll never tell
You see depth in my eyes
You see love and emotion
But what would you see
If I ever did open
I can’t bear to find out
I can’t bear to show
The me you don’t see
The me that I know
If I let it out
If I let it be
I know for a fact
That you would hate me.

I’m okay with being hated
Because it’s the only thing I know
And I promise I won’t cry
If you tell me when you go
It just gets harder when you leave
Without offering goodbye
And when the silence consumes me
I have no answer as to why

Sometimes I think the things I see
Are only in my head
A balm to cover my weakness
As I lay upon my bed
A salve for my soul, if there’s any of it left
If only I was courageous enough
I could pray for death.

But everything I see is a reflection of my bones
White against the background of the place I lay alone
A violent recognition of the one I claim to be
And the reconciliation of which part of it is me.

Sometimes I start to wonder if the silence that I keep
Only exists because I need my mind to fall asleep
The loneliness, the cold, the things that I protest about
Are there because I brought them there, I’d be nothing without.

I am an afterthought
Last to be chosen, last to be wanted
Last to be loved.
Maybe I’m just too damaged to be held by a human heart.
Maybe I don’t deserve to be.
I’m a chameleon. I will be whatever you want me to be-
I will do anything just to know you care
I will make myself a carbon copy
Of whatever skin you crave
As long as you love me.
But you won’t, and you can’t.
And I don’t blame you.
And I’m sorry.
I’m sorry I’m like this.
I’m sorry I don’t know how to love the right way and I am clingy and needy and somehow still emotionally unavailable.
I’m sorry I needed you.
I’m sorry I ever needed anyone
And if I could choose one part of me to bury deep it would be my heart
Because it will always give one hundred and ten percent
And then be confused when it only receives twenty back.
It’s always asking me why
“Why am I alone?”
“Why am I broken?”
“Why can’t I trust?”
“Why do you give me away so easily?”
And I hardly know how to answer
So I block out my own pain
And I will smile until my mouth is stuck that way
If it means no one will ever see me this broken
And yet
I want to be seen.
I want to be seen and loved.
But does any chameleon know its true form?
Maybe they do.
Maybe I’m the only one searching for colors to fit my skin.
I’ve been smacking on pieces of other people
And hoping to find a piece that fits
But the more I take from others the less I know myself
How can you love what you don’t know?
How can anyone?
A person that’s always changing can never have a stable love
My husband will wake up next to me one day
And wonder who I am
And I won’t be able to tell him.
Or maybe it won’t get that far.
Maybe I’ll be alone and wake up one day
Realizing that I am faded
And that I no longer want to be here.
If I ever will.
Or maybe one day
I just won’t wake up.