I don’t want to beg for you
To love me;
But I gave you so many pieces of me
And one of those was my pride.
Now they’re stockpiled in your storehouse-
Or maybe you threw them away..
You threw me away-
No that’s not true-
I argue with myself over you;
How can I see your face
How can I speak to you?
I don’t want to talk
But I can’t stand your silence, it feels violent
I feel assaulted by the words you won’t say
And the feelings you took away, right when I needed them most
And I want to forgive you but once more I feel
It’s not fair because you’re not physically there but I find you
Striding through my mind like you own the place
Give me space
Give me room to breathe, so I can suffocate in peace
Oxygen feels like it’s clogging my throat
And stifling my mind, I’m walking in a haze
Today’s the first day of what will be many days
Do you see yourself
As something worth fighting for?
I don’t know why I’m okay
With choosing the path of least resistance
When the path leads me to people
Who diminish my existence,
And I let them
I let them shrink me till I’m small enough for them to stomach
And I don’t protest when I’m eaten alive
Because I’ve already been eaten up inside
By the idea that being small
Is better than not being loved at all
Maybe that’s not the right way to think
But that’s the cup I’ve been drinking from
Since I was smaller in stature and larger in heart
Until those thoughts tore me apart.
I’m consumed not just by them but by ideas
That tell me that others being able to stand me
Is better than standing for myself-
And it’s better than asking for help.
They might say it’s better to stand alone
But they don’t tell you how lonely it gets
When the people that should be standing with you
Have left you alone in the spotlight and you’re burning
Standing in the midst of people’s glares while the ones that loved you continue to stare and you realize-
They were never there.
How can I stand for myself when these thoughts,
They keep tripping me up?
I wish I could drink from a different cup.
I’m drowning in your opinions of me and who you want me to be-
And who I am.
Who am I?
I don’t seem to know, because I’ve taken pieces of you
Stuck them to me with the strongest glue
Take those pieces away, and what will I be?
Will there be anything left of me?
These are the things I think in the night
When dead thoughts rise again to haunt me.
Who could I be?
Will I ever know me?
I’ve gotten lost on the path of least resistance
And I’ve taken your hand at your insistence
And you lead me further into the dark,
Until I can’t tell where you end and I begin
How can I win?
I want you and
Because I’m just selfish enough
To keep you
Even when I know it hurts me
I don’t have strength to release you.
You take all of the pain
Like a needle in my spine
Feel it coursing through my veins
Until the day that I die
Which one will be first?
Will I crush your will to live?
Even though I keep on taking
I just really want to give
So I save your life again
In an act of chivalry
But knowing all the while
That these acts are just for me
Because as long as you’re alive
You can still give to me
And as long as you’re alive
I know that you’ll live for me
And you’ll give me, forgive me, but just know you won’t outlive me-
Happiness will be the one thing that you won’t see!
But take a step back and relive those last few words
Realize that you’re the only one who can keep things from getting worse!
But you can’t cause you’re bad,
Doesn’t that make you sad?
It’s okay to admit it
You know I like to make you mad
And if you’re feeling really sassy
Why not throw a couple plates?
Twist your arm until it breaks
Yell in everyone’s face
And then watch your world shake
As you come down from the high-
It’s all your fault,
Yet you call me the bad guy?
Nobody likes you,
You’re easily replaced
They’re better off without you always
Being in their face and
The worlds better off
If you just get erased
And you want that, don’t you?
You know you’re just a waste
You ruin all your friendships
And your family doesn’t want you
And though you try to do things right
All your mistakes seem to haunt you
So why do you keep trying?
When you say you’re fine you’re lying
There’s no reason for denying
That’s why I just keep prying!
I think it’s time to go
And I think you know that too
You know that everyone
Would be better without you.
All we want to do, is pretend to help you,
And if you don’t want our help,
We can make a round two
And remind you how you’re worthless
And how useless you can be,
If you look at things our way
Maybe then you’ll finally see
And we'll show you the right way,
So you can die through the day
Where’s the fun in finding joy in your life,
I don’t think
I belong here
Stuffed on a stage and forced to perform
Strings holding my cheeks, no choice
But to open my mouth and smile.
Everyone seems to know the routine but me
I cant hear the music
So I limp and sputter through my own chorus
Pretending to be in sync,
While hilariously outdone.
I look foolish.
Trying to be as good as those around me
Trying to match my steps to their beat
What can I do?
They possess the stage
I have no choice but to accommodate
Move over for everyone
Hope someone will take my place..
One day, just maybe
Someone will pull me from this act
Take off my strings and see me
And maybe even, love me
But that is just wishful thinking
For a puppet in a play.
How can I function
With my brain telling me every day,
I need to go away
How can I wake up
Get out of bed and believe
That today will be better than yesterday
When lines between the days
Have blurred and faded
I’m losing time
Dragged around by my ankles
Because life won’t let me go
No matter how much I don’t want to be here.
I cant seem to leave-
And I can’t seem to live.
Stuck in limbo
Between hating where I am
And not going anywhere else.
I stay alive for you
And you alone
Even when I feel alone.
And even though you hold me here
I think you’d be better off if maybe
I just disappeared
If I never existed at all, would anyone notice?
Would anyone care?
I don’t think they would, and that wouldn’t be hard to bear
If only I could forget
The days you needed me.
I can't say I’ll always be here
Because I feel them dragging me under
The days when my head slips below
Becoming ever more frequent
Those moments, when I can’t breathe;
Then you grab me by my aching wrists
And you pull me above water
Shake the liquid from my lungs
And beg me to stay alive-
If only so we can be rescued together.
Is it worth it?
Am I worth it?
I don’t think I can answer that, because
My facts, they’re biased
Jaded by the days
When you weren’t there to hold my hand.
I still can’t trust
You won’t steal the lifeboat
Leave me to sink down to the ocean floor.
Too many people
Have left me stranded in the water
And didn’t stay to watch
While I slipped under the tide.
You’re my life raft
Keeping me afloat
Even when I’d rather drown-
Even when my hope dies
You keep my body alive.
I suppose that’s all I can hope for
In a world drowned in tears.
I hate you
For making me believe I’m a burden
Even if it’s true
Even if I despise myself
More than you could ever hate me
I hate you
For making me believe I don’t deserve love
For making me question
Any happiness that comes my way
I hate you
Because you made it easy for me
To hate myself
You made it easy
To believe I should be punished
For ever existing in the first place
I cant form any lasting bonds
I cant trust that everyone I meet
Isn’t prone to walk away at any moment
And it’s because you made it easy
For me to believe I am hard to love
And easy to leave
And the worst part is
I do believe it now
And the worst part is
That I love you anyway.
I wish I’d made you shut me out sooner.
I wish I’d never told you what hurts me,
I wish I’d never hurt you.
I wish I’d never ruined everything
When it’s all I can seem to do.
I wish you’d never met me
But I’m so glad I met you.
And I wouldn’t change that for the world
Even when the world changes me.
Even when the world swallows me.
I wish it was easier to lose you
Easier to let go.
I wish I’d never let my heart out of its cage
And I wish I’d never had to cage it.
I wish I could remember who I was
Before the world tried to change it.
And most of all I wish,
Even when it’s hard to do
Most of all I wish, that I’ll never forget you.