I don’t want to
Open my mouth
Because I’m still afraid
The truth might come out
And if it does
If it really breaks free
You’ll see what I am
You’ll see the true me
The one I hide
With jokes and lies
I’m a terrible person
All jokes aside
You don’t seem to know it
You don’t seem to see
Even a glimpse of that person
That I know to be me
I’m such a good actress
I hide it so well
Cover it with a laugh
And you’ll never tell
You see depth in my eyes
You see love and emotion
But what would you see
If I ever did open
I can’t bear to find out
I can’t bear to show
The me you don’t see
The me that I know
If I let it out
If I let it be
I know for a fact
That you would hate me.

I’m just fine not thinking about
How I am suffocating
Being buried alive as we speak
In my own inadequacy
I am choking on my irrelevance
My easily forgotten presence
And the fact that when I speak
Even my own ears refuse to listen
I am a whisper
And a shadow
And a shifting silhouette
I am the figure in your eye
That is always in the corner
Shuffled about by the other visions
Vying for your attention
I am the speck of dust
That sometimes enters your retina
And you don’t know why you’re crying
But I do
I do
It’s because I’ve entered your line of sight
And you’d forgotten I existed
And your apologies are not needed
Because while you forgot, I didn’t
I stopped existing when your eye wasn’t upon me
Because I am in no way
A permanent fixture.
I shine in a temporary spotlight
With your hand upon my head
And when your hand wanders I disappear into the dark
I vanish with your love
As it is bestowed upon another
I die with every praise that leaves your lips, not for me
And never ever again for me.
Reality demands that I sink further into the nothingness I’m borne from
And I
             s
              

                   i


                            n
  


                                     k


Into your shadows never to be seen again.

I thought you understood me
And I felt like I could really
Lay myself bare for you
Expose my soul to the elements
Just for you to take a look
And you made me feel as if
Love was worth wanting
Worth having
If I could have it with you
And now it hurts to say the words
Because they bring back things
I’ve trained myself to forget
But I lie
Because I will never forget
I see your reflection
In every mirror I pass
And I still find pieces of you
Floating in the abyss of me
And every time I scream
It’s your voice that echoes in my soul
How could I have become
So attached to a ghost
I knew the consequences
Because they’re always the same
But I’d allow you to break me
Just to feel you one last time
And I never got a whisper of goodbye
Not a wave or a touch or a taste
Of you leaving
Until you were gone
And I won’t say it’s not fair
Because you always said
“Life isn’t fair”
And I know it
And I know it
And I know it
But I won’t believe it
Because I want you so badly that
I won’t allow it to be true
But
Realizing I’m not good enough
Is a pain I’d rather lock deep inside
Because for me
Love will never be a reality
Everyone leaves.
No one tries.
I know this; I breathe this
And it fuels the kind of darkness
That’s been hiding in my chest
And it fuels the wailing apathy
That’s been building in my heart
Because you were my spotlight
And now that you’re gone
The shadows swallow me.

I would rather drown in this
Than pretend it doesn’t hurt
To hear you say that you don’t want me
In not so many words,
But I guess I’m more embarrassed
Than I am heartbroken
Because I really believed someone
Would want to pry me open
And see me
And love me
And find a life worth living
But I guess when I evaluated
Myself I was too forgiving
And I didn’t try to account
For some of the faults I know I possess
Instead I let them pass, gave myself a brief recess
When I should’ve cracked down harder
When I should’ve seen the signs
Instead of letting myself believe
Letting my heart call you mine
And now I want to curl in bed
And hold onto the pain
A not so gentle reminder
For my love-worn brain
That feelings only hurt
And that no one will ever try
So I really need my heart
To stop trying to ask me why
And stop reaching out to people
Who will never reach back
And that I really need to stop
Trying to cut myself so much slack
I’m so naive sometimes
So sensitive to others words
That when I think I hear affection
I find later that I misheard
And I was wrong about the direction
Our thoughts seemed to be flowing
But now that flow has stopped
And I have no idea where I’m going
Where I start, where I end
Where the emptiness begins
And I’ve started to think maybe
I should let the shadows win
Because they’ll take away the pain
And the hurt and the regret
Maybe I’ll be free/if only I can forget.

I wrapped you around my heart like a vise
Just tight enough to hurt
Both a balm and a shield
To protect me from the world;
A comfortable crutch
To hold me up
When I could not, for myself,
Find a rod to support my bones.
You were my guardian  
And my sword in a time of war
Cutting away any pain
That may have come too close.

I might have believed your implied word
Your unspoken promise to stay
But for the sting of blood and bone I felt
The moment you pulled away
Leaving an exposed wound
From which my pain could seep.

I suppose I should have earlier
Realized my mistake-
Perhaps it would’ve saved me
From the **** you left behind.
That you were not a shield, no
Protection
For the weak.
You were a bandaid, only
Protecting the infection inside.

Now I walk around
With a heart left to fester
A giant leaking wound which
Only I can see
And every time I’ve tried
To find a balm, even a bandaid
I remember the gaping hole
That you left inside me.

I am an afterthought
Last to be chosen, last to be wanted
Last to be loved.
Maybe I’m just too damaged to be held by a human heart.
Maybe I don’t deserve to be.
I’m a chameleon. I will be whatever you want me to be-
I will do anything just to know you care
I will make myself a carbon copy
Of whatever skin you crave
As long as you love me.
But you won’t, and you can’t.
And I don’t blame you.
And I’m sorry.
I’m sorry I’m like this.
I’m sorry I don’t know how to love the right way and I am clingy and needy and somehow still emotionally unavailable.
I’m sorry I needed you.
I’m sorry I ever needed anyone
And if I could choose one part of me to bury deep it would be my heart
Because it will always give one hundred and ten percent
And then be confused when it only receives twenty back.
It’s always asking me why
“Why am I alone?”
“Why am I broken?”
“Why can’t I trust?”
“Why do you give me away so easily?”
And I hardly know how to answer
So I block out my own pain
And I will smile until my mouth is stuck that way
If it means no one will ever see me this broken
And yet
I want to be seen.
I want to be seen and loved.
But does any chameleon know its true form?
Maybe they do.
Maybe I’m the only one searching for colors to fit my skin.
I’ve been smacking on pieces of other people
And hoping to find a piece that fits
But the more I take from others the less I know myself
How can you love what you don’t know?
How can anyone?
A person that’s always changing can never have a stable love
My husband will wake up next to me one day
And wonder who I am
And I won’t be able to tell him.
Or maybe it won’t get that far.
Maybe I’ll be alone and wake up one day
Realizing that I am faded
And that I no longer want to be here.
If I ever will.
Or maybe one day
I just won’t wake up.

I find myself forgetting
That bad things don’t stop happening
Just because I close my eyes
That not seeing the carnage
Doesn’t erase the blood on my hands
That wishing for peace
Is in no way a guarantee
That even hoping for light
Can push me further into darkness
For years I’ve simply
Turned away
Not willing to see
The pain I keep stuffing inside
Overfilled, but
Unwilling to focus
On the tragedy in my history
I keep thinking
“If I don’t look, it will go away”
But then always find myself
Peeking over my shoulder.
Maybes and ifs are luxuries
My poor soul cannot afford
And so I find myself in debt
In my every waking moment.

I’m okay with being hated
Because it’s the only thing I know
And I promise I won’t cry
If you tell me when you go
It just gets harder when you leave
Without offering goodbye
And when the silence consumes me
I have no answer as to why

Sometimes I think the things I see
Are only in my head
A balm to cover my weakness
As I lay upon my bed
A salve for my soul, if there’s any of it left
If only I was courageous enough
I could pray for death.

But everything I see is a reflection of my bones
White against the background of the place I lay alone
A violent recognition of the one I claim to be
And the reconciliation of which part of it is me.

Sometimes I start to wonder if the silence that I keep
Only exists because I need my mind to fall asleep
The loneliness, the cold, the things that I protest about
Are there because I brought them there, I’d be nothing without.

I want you and
I’m sorry
Because I’m just selfish enough
To keep you
Even when I know it hurts me
I don’t have strength to release you.
You take all of the pain
Like a needle in my spine
Feel it coursing through my veins
Until the day that I die

Let’s see-
Which one will be first?
Will I crush your will to live?
Even though I keep on taking
I just really want to give
So I save your life again
In an act of chivalry
But knowing all the while
That these acts are just for me
Because as long as you’re alive
You can still give to me
And as long as you’re alive
I know that you’ll live for me
And you’ll give me, forgive me, but just know you won’t outlive me-

Happiness will be the one thing that you won’t see!
But take a step back and relive those last few words
Realize that you’re the only one who can keep things from getting worse!

But you can’t cause you’re bad,
Doesn’t that make you sad?
It’s okay to admit it
You know I like to make you mad
And if you’re feeling really sassy
Why not throw a couple plates?
Twist your arm until it breaks
Yell in everyone’s face
And then watch your world shake
As you come down from the high-
It’s all your fault,
Yet you call me the bad guy?

Nobody likes you,
You’re easily replaced
They’re better off without you always
Being in their face and
The worlds better off
If you just get erased
And you want that, don’t you?
You know you’re just a waste
You ruin all your friendships
And your family doesn’t want you
And though you try to do things right
All your mistakes seem to haunt you
So why do you keep trying?
When you say you’re fine you’re lying
There’s no reason for denying
That’s why I just keep prying!
I think it’s time to go
And I think you know that too
You know that everyone
Would be better without you.

All we want to do, is pretend to help you,
And if you don’t want our help,
We can make a round two
And remind you how you’re worthless
And how useless you can be,
If you look at things our way
Maybe then you’ll finally see
And we'll show you the right way,
So you can die through the day
Where’s the fun in finding joy in your life,
Anyway?

I hate you
For making me believe I’m a burden
Even if it’s true
Even if I despise myself
More than you could ever hate me
I hate you
For making me believe I don’t deserve love
For making me question
Any happiness that comes my way
I hate you
Because you made it easy for me
To hate myself
You made it easy
To believe I should be punished
For ever existing in the first place
I cant form any lasting bonds
I cant trust that everyone I meet
Isn’t prone to walk away at any moment
And it’s because you made it easy
For me to believe I am hard to love
And easy to leave
And the worst part is
I do believe it now
And the worst part is
That I love you anyway.

I don’t think
I belong here
Stuffed on a stage and forced to perform
Strings holding my cheeks, no choice
But to open my mouth and smile.

Everyone seems to know the routine but me
I cant hear the music
So I limp and sputter through my own chorus
Pretending to be in sync,
While hilariously outdone.

I look foolish.

Trying to be as good as those around me
Trying to match my steps to their beat
What can I do?
They possess the stage
I have no choice but to accommodate
Move over for everyone
Hope someone will take my place..

One day, just maybe
Someone will pull me from this act
Take off my strings and see me
And maybe even, love me

But that is just wishful thinking
For a puppet in a play.

Do you see yourself
As something worth fighting for?
I don’t know why I’m okay
With choosing the path of least resistance
When the path leads me to people
Who diminish my existence,
And I let them
I let them shrink me till I’m small enough for them to stomach
And I don’t protest when I’m eaten alive
Because I’ve already been eaten up inside
By the idea that being small
Is better than not being loved at all
Maybe that’s not the right way to think
But that’s the cup I’ve been drinking from
Since I was smaller in stature and larger in heart
Until those thoughts tore me apart.
I’m consumed not just by them but by ideas
That tell me that others being able to stand me
Is better than standing for myself-
And it’s better than asking for help.
They might say it’s better to stand alone
But they don’t tell you how lonely it gets
When the people that should be standing with you
Have left you alone in the spotlight and you’re burning
Standing in the midst of people’s glares while the ones that loved you continue to stare and you realize-
They were never there.
How can I stand for myself when these thoughts,
They keep tripping me up?
I wish I could drink from a different cup.
I’m drowning in your opinions of me and who you want me to be-
And who I am.
Who am I?
I don’t seem to know, because I’ve taken pieces of you
Stuck them to me with the strongest glue
Take those pieces away, and what will I be?
Will there be anything left of me?
These are the things I think in the night
When dead thoughts rise again to haunt me.
Who could I be?
Will I ever know me?
I’ve gotten lost on the path of least resistance
And I’ve taken your hand at your insistence
And you lead me further into the dark,
Until I can’t tell where you end and I begin
How can I win?

How can I function
With my brain telling me every day,
I need to go away
How can I wake up
Get out of bed and believe
That today will be better than yesterday
When lines between the days
Have blurred and faded
I’m losing time
Losing sleep
Losing hope
Dragged around by my ankles
Because life won’t let me go
No matter how much I don’t want to be here.

I cant seem to leave-
And I can’t seem to live.

Stuck in limbo
Between hating where I am
And not going anywhere else.

I stay alive for you
And you
And you
And you alone
Even when I feel alone.
And even though you hold me here
I think you’d be better off if maybe
I just disappeared
If I never existed at all, would anyone notice?
Would anyone care?
I don’t think they would, and that wouldn’t be hard to bear
If only I could forget
The days you needed me.

I can't say I’ll always be here
Because I feel them dragging me under
The days when my head slips below
Becoming ever more frequent
Those moments, when I can’t breathe;
Then you grab me by my aching wrists
And you pull me above water
Shake the liquid from my lungs
And beg me to stay alive-
If only so we can be rescued together.

Is it worth it?
Am I worth it?
I don’t think I can answer that, because
My facts, they’re biased
Jaded by the days
When you weren’t there to hold my hand.

I still can’t trust
You won’t steal the lifeboat
Leave me to sink down to the ocean floor.
Too many people
Have left me stranded in the water
And didn’t stay to watch
While I slipped under the tide.
You’re my life raft
Keeping me afloat
Even when I’d rather drown-
Even when my hope dies
You keep my body alive.
I suppose that’s all I can hope for
In a world drowned in tears.

I wish I’d made you shut me out sooner.
I wish I’d never told you what hurts me,
I wish I’d never hurt you.
I wish I’d never ruined everything
Once again,
When it’s all I can seem to do.
I wish you’d never met me
But I’m so glad I met you.
And I wouldn’t change that for the world
Even when the world changes me.
Even when the world swallows me.
I wish it was easier to lose you
Easier to let go.
I wish I’d never let my heart out of its cage
And I wish I’d never had to cage it.
I wish I could remember who I was
Before the world tried to change it.
And most of all I wish,
Even when it’s hard to do
Most of all I wish, that I’ll never forget you.

Why did I dive this far into the dark
Knowing I couldn’t swim?
Knowing the light would slowly vanish above me?
Knowing the deep could easily swallow me whole?
There was no lifeguard close by
And the boat had too many holes
So I did the best I could,
But it wasn’t enough.
And now as I drift
To the bottom of the sea
I see
There was no way around this.
I would always come back to this moment.
With the light slowly vanishing
And water getting deeper
Only reaching the bottom
When the light blinks out.
I suddenly don’t mind
That the water is so cold
Because my lungs have burst
And I can no longer breathe
But it feels like maybe
This was all for the best.
Maybe my life is better off
At the bottom of the sea.

I wish that I could go away.

And I wish that when I went away,
The pieces of me I left with you,
I wish those would go away too.

I wish that every speck of sunlight
That fell upon my skin
Every breath of air
Left behind from my mouth
And every dream of touch
That lingered on your fingers-
I wish they’d go with me.

I don’t want you to remember me
I don’t want to cause you pain-
More pain than I extend
Even from my presence;

I don’t want to leave a mark
On your otherwise spotless record
A mote of dust
On an otherwise polished frame;
I want to disappear
Like the clouds from in front of the sun
Like the rain from a clear blue sky
Like my darkness impeding your light...

I’m sorry that I brought you with me
Down to the depths of darkness
Where my soul deigns to dwell
I’m sorry I suffocated you
Ruined you
Buried you
When all I wanted to do
Was breathe you in
And start afresh.

Best friends, forever.
Does the comma signify
A hesitation?
A regret?
Several regrets.
Memories that keep the words from touching
Ínstersecting
Bleeding into one another.
Even when the words forget,
The comma remembers
The space between us.
Sometimes it grows wider,
Sometimes it shrinks
But there’s always
Space-
Keeping me separate from you.
The period, at the end
Is forever set in stone?
But stone erodes
It crumbles
Just like we’ve started to.
I cant remember who I was before you.
If the period changed
To an exclamation
An expression of joy, without hesitation
Would forever become a reality?...
How long was forever for you?
It still goes on for me
But that comma, it pulls you back
Keeps us double spaced.
Punctuation has a memory
More than you remember me;
And maybe, one day,
We can backspace
Put a semicolon, just wait
For the days when I’ll be more
Than an empty space in your life.