of course
i got my hopes up
of course
i thought different this time
of course
i was wrong again
of course
i should have known better

all i can think about
sadness contagious
all i can speak about
frustration outrageous
even in dreams
laughing and joyful
while in my presence
vision sparkles
but when i awaken
empty again
wish i could make dreams
reality, say when

perhaps,
the most abuse i have experienced
was not when my ex boyfriend
controlled, threatened, or lied to me
but perhaps
it's the relationship
between two people
i call mind and body

you see,
mind and body are in a relationship
but mind is insecure and jealous
but body loves mind so much
they put up with it,
mind has forced body
to pick at wounds
and run blades
over their fair skin,
mind has told body
not to eat so much
so body began overeating,
but then mind forced them
to shove a toothbrush
at the back of their throat
to bring it back up,
mind has made body
overdose on laxatives
to the point
of almost no return,
but it's not too late
for body to heal

in fact,
it is finally time
for mind to realize the pain
they have caused body,
it is time for mind
to apologize
and change their ways,
and it is time
for mind to accept
body as they are
because all body ever wanted
was the acceptance
and the love of mind

and perhaps,
mind has finally come to peace
within themself
to help reverse the damage
they have caused to body
because all along
body cared so deeply
about mind
that they never gave in
to the signals that maybe
it was time to end things
for the both of them

but you don't have to worry
about that happening,
mind and body are working
on their relationship now
so that time
will never come
for either of them

i was yours. i was fine with it at first, i was completely fine, in fact i was begging you'd invite me into your heart. and you did. and i was shocked. you let me in? you began loving me? our eyes met once, and from then on we immediately knew we were in love, but had no idea of it yet.

only two weeks pass. we were awkward, we began talking. i couldn't believe you even looked back at me that first day.

"i really wanna kiss you right now. would that be okay?"
i don't know, would it? i said yes of course.  i was breathless, shaking, nervous. i wanted to kiss you too. so when you leaned in, i leaned back, and for the first time our lips touched and my stomach felt like it was rising into my ribs.

a month later. can you take off my clothes?
of course, i was willing, i was also nervous and had to keep swallowing from throwing up fear. i let you open me, release my thoughts and emotions and have me completely. i was yours. but of course, i was already yours to begin with.

a year later. you said you didn't love me anymore. i can't believe i stayed with you, begging you to love me again. the other day i came across our old messages and i felt ashamed, embarrassed. i couldn't believe how desperate i was for you to want me back like you did before.

six months later. we were still together, but i left you this time. i was serious. i didn't think you loved me anymore, like you had said. i thought we were over. but you called me, crying, begging for me back. you reminded me of all our memories and i even remember some things you said that mended my heart, not broke it. those words were what brought me back to you.
"i have been crying all day, i haven't left my bed. i've been crying over you."
"i don't wanna move on. i want you."
"i still remember that first day you walked into class and how i immediately knew you had to be mine."
"but how i felt that moment when i first saw you, i don't wanna feel that way with any other girl. and i won't be able to. only you."
"i'll miss you."

i died a little on the inside. no, more than a little. you had blocked me on everything possible, that's why you couldn't see my messages. i asked your friend to check them. you did. you were so happy, you cried even more, i cried.
"can i come over?"
i said i didn't know yet. i was scared. but the next day i told you i regretted it. so you did. and you brought my favorite snack, and i hugged you. we couldn't stop smiling, i was already in tears. i held you so tight for a moment, i didn't wanna let go. i knew before you came over you were hoping i would kiss you, and i was scared to. i was frightened. but when i leaned away, i looked up at you and you were the one who looked scared. and i kissed you. and i could feel the relief in your lips as your arms gripped me tighter and my heart pounded. i was yours.

screaming, tears
you left again
no words said
i sat outside, cold
wind touching me
in every way
that i wish you would

you're my addiction; my drug
painkiller to my pain
but my pain?
i'd say you

curse at me, curse me
i'll retreat
tears at my feet
but you won't care -
you never do

lies; i make you happy?
how can that be
when you're laughing
with everyone
except around me

my skin has grown
cold and pale
absence of love
making me frail
but my heart still sparks
when you reach for my hand
other than that?
whispered ***** secrets
between the sheets
i'm then left to strip
guilt built over me

shaky, anxious
i'm not who i used to be
you've killed the me
who only ever wanted
complete release

no longer feel pain
when i cry, no tears come
only aching in my chest
from empty numbness
that you left

and yet you probably will leave again
and i won’t doubt that that you do
that you’ll never come back
telling me everything
about me
that makes you feel worthwhile


cause all i do anymore
is upset you
cause i’m mentally unstable
around the people
you wish i weren’t
and when i cry
you never hold me anymore
anyways


i still remember
and i’ll always remember
the things you’ve said about me
i know i drive you insane
that you think i’m a baby
immature
that i make you wanna put a bullet
through your head
and i don’t blame you
sometimes i wish
i could put one
through mine too

a.n.

and i bet you'll leave again
and not call me
at 2 am
crying anymore
begging me, telling me
every reason
that you need me
to even breathe

and i bet you'll walk away
with tight lips
kept shut
refusing to speak
of what went wrong with me

and i'll dwell
with old songs
stuck on rewind
and memories
stabbing
through my skull
and setting my body
on fire
and i'll be too frail
to gather the strength
to skip a song
we used to call our own

and my pillows will be stained black
and smeared red
from washed mascara
when my mother
tries to ask me
what's wrong
and dried blood
from when i scratch
my skin raw
in my sleep
filled of dreams
of what once was
a reality with you

a.n.