huffing and puffing
I can't get out
heart's beating
mind's freaking
I can't even focus
I don't hear sounds
alone in my head
again

little things
turn monstrous
I couldn't sleep
only think
I'm returning to my toxic self

with the help
of one's words,
I become utterly nothing.

a collage of memories fill my head
I cannot decide which to focus on
there's the kitchen conversation with mom
how many pull-ups I could do with dad
drinking with my best friend for the first time
they're sad, they're proud, but they're exciting too
new adventures await, goodbye summer.

i dreamt that you shot me last night
my remains flew back onto the concrete
I knew it was a mistake to trust you

deep into the dark clouds
you can find my mind
hiding undercover
chained to the lightning
and drawn to the loud thuds of thunder
my mind goes where you wish it not
and I know you need me to believe you
to trust that you won't hurt me
but I'd rather stay here with the rain and rot
just amidst the eye of the hurricane
is where I slumber and close my eyes
for it is the most powerful winds and water
where I choose to sleep, where my anxiety will colonize
until the storm ends and the sun rises,
I will choose to stay here.

at 4 in the
morning the sun
is never up
but i usually am

i worry
about things
that are out of
my control
even more about
things that are

get up early
when i work
and earlier
when i don’t
the older i get the
more i learn
sometimes you
need to cry it out

alone
at night
into your pillow
the blankets
wrapped all
around you

sometimes you
need to cry
and cry
and cry

until the morning
sun falls across
the tears dried
under your lashes

and the lump
in your throat has
dissolved so you can
breathe with ease

you need to get up
let hot water
wash it away
let the steam rising
from your mug soften
any sorrow left around
your morning eyes
take a deep breath
don’t mention it
to anyone

and
just
keep
going

i will
just
keep
going

Do you remember when we used to run this town?
We'd always talk about getting out
Innocent within our bliss, things crossed off our bucket list,
Funny how quickly you moved on

You watched me drive off one last time,
Going separate ways--it was a sign

We drifted, from something that was unhealthy and torturous
But we lived it, up to your choices is where we stand now
Now I'm stronger
Waiting on my phone to stop buzzing is where we'll stand
For now, for them, for us, for all of it

Now you're there and all alone, while I regain my independence
Designing my essence
I chose to move on and become happy cause **** being sappy,
You started to rely on someone else immediately

We drifted, from something that was unhealthy and dependent
But we lived it, up to your choices is where we stand now
Now I'm happier
Waiting on my phone to stop buzzing is where we'll stand
For now, for them, for us, for all of it.

Pure sunshine on a stick
Playing Dress-up karaoke to Hilary duff
Ballet classes and birthday parties
You were only a day older than me

Childhood friends, you and me,
Chasing boys on the playground
Watching the wizard of oz
Southern roots we shared
Growing up in the Atlanta sunny weather

We parted after pre-school,
But we’d see each other here and there
It’s tough to see you here now,
why did they have to do an open-casket?
You don’t even look like you.

I see your college friends look at you and break.
I lose it
my hands shake, the tears come,
I don’t know what else to do,
But hug your mom.
I will never understand, I will never understand, I will never understand
Why your heart would just stop working

They’d always say,
Miss Caroline’s just pure sunshine on a stick!
God it was so true

Golden curly locks and big blue eyes
Your smile was contagious

You didn’t get to experience life fully
But the lives you touched,
The memories I and many others hold
let your soul be reborn.