The things
we expect from each other
are the things we want to find in ourselves
the solace we find
we wish it was an internal process
the pain that we do not expect
do not predict
is the aching sensation inside us all

it was last winter by the icy river
covered with crisscrossing cracks as we skated the tenuous surface wanting only to fall
into each other’s arms

it was when I found a bruise on my collarbone
and I believed it was from you loving me so much you wanted me to break
just so that you could kiss the pain away

it was the darkness of a movie theater as the backdrop for our obsession
we grew together starting with our fingers as they interlaced and never let go

it was me carving scars into my forearms so that I could reassure myself that I still existed,
even when you weren’t there

it was lying on the roof under the stars and counting constellations and being worried
that you would dislike how I named them and push me off the edge

It was later, the wanting to jump

I was only a half of a whole
I was never as interesting or pretty as I was with you, so I was always with you

If you had told me that to save you from drowning I had to go in your place
I would have jumped in the ocean  
begged the sharks to surround me
tied myself to the smooth worn rocks

I think you would have let me

it was when you would act as if you were blind
and try to learn the hills and hollows of my face with your fingertips
sometimes following the line of my neck to the triangle shadow at the base of my throat
and farther onward than I wanted you to go

I should have known it in the way I shivered when you touched me
I could never figure out if it was happiness or fear
anxiety or anticipation
you tried to cover me with a blanket but that only made it worse
I wanted to expose myself to you
needed you to see every dip and curve of my stillness
so that I could prove you were right for me

you gave me a pendant for my birthday that hung heavy round my neck
it was inscribed with the word forever in spiky script
and I knew that you were claiming me for yours
knew that the necklace was my dog tag so that if I got lost, people would know they couldn’t have me.  
I say people
I mean boys
The other boys, the ones you seemed so afraid of
you were sure that once your back was turned, I would ***** around
offering my love and kisses like party favors
I never would have.  

I offered you all of myself
yet somehow, you always wanted what I was holding back
I was holding back nothing; there was nothing else for me to give away
my arms were holding together the little bits of me that were left
but you wanted those too, and because I loved you, I gave them to you
and fell apart in the wind
crumpled to the ground like a fallen house of cards

instead of kissing in the rain
we fought in the rain
our shouts were in sync with the thunder
when lightning struck I cursed God that he hadn’t hit you
he never seemed to hear

I liked the summer the best
It was too hot to do anything but lie on the sticky grass
watching the fireflies spell out our names
in phosphorescent afterimages in the southern night
that was where you hurt me so silently
your hands around my neck like an extension of your embrace

by that time I had been trained to think that was all it was

I do not believe the universe is infinite
science can explain many things
and while I know my thoughts are nothing more than synapses firing
connections being made
neural sparks
hormones flooding
it is strange because I am thinking
and at the same time I am aware of the chemical processes that are really thinking for me
and my eyes well up with tears and my body betrays me
I do not know what is truthful
is infinity a real number, is there a curved steel wall surrounding our universe
I think my thoughts and realize with a sense of dread that none of them are original
we are the million monkeys at a million typewriters, except it's not one million, it's infinity
we chance upon beauty, it is one in an infinity
I am nothing more than a product
a link in a chain
a predicable formula
I will not be that
I refuse to be what you ascribe me to
You think I will obey
I most likely will
Soul asunder
Secret surrender

you are curled into a shell of a back hallway
into the syncopated off-beat
into the dark when I close my eyes when I cannot bear to watch this anymore
I have seen it
I have seen this movie and the hero dies at the end and the girl cries
the funeral is too loud in the grave by the highway where the cars can’t stop
won’t stop

and I am bleeding out in between your fingertips
I am pouring out between the ridges of the carpet and even in all of my pieces I can see you refuse to admit that you are holding my life in your hands

I could live without you for at least an hour
I could do it
I could forget
I could live for sixty glorious minutes
I could crush the bitter glass between my swollen lips and taste you on every ragged inhalation
and live
I don’t believe you
neither do I but you could at least lie, for my sake, you could at least try to pick up the pieces
What pieces?
*******
What pieces?
the pieces
What pieces?
the ones on the pavement
What pavement?
my pavement
The pavement you chose, the pavement you are painted on, the pavement you are falling between the cracks of
Yes, the pavement
It’s red hot this time of year
I know.  How long has it been?
4 minutes
Am I dead yet?
No
Am I alive?
Not quite
*******
You’re just in pieces
I know.   How much longer till I’ve won?
A lifetime
Well how long will that take?
How should I know?
Am I done yet?
The girl’s feet won’t be ****** after she runs down the street
It’s dry, then
Cleaned,  by now
How long?
*Long enough

She stands at the prow of the ship
looking deep into the soul of the distance
bent like a crone
staring off to the dying sun
a glimpse of unshed tears
burning with such  halted intensity
bright in her eyes

The sky burns red as flame
while the air shrieks
the weeping woman is here tonight, keep your children inside
walking by the river in the darkness
the shadows and eerie patterns of sighing leaves
fall filtered on the ground, yet no moonlight touches her
creatures of the peaceful night shrink away
as she searches
always searching
for what she has lost

The woman
wretched and silvered in the starlight
she is glowing, indefinable, her borders exceed her bonds
she can see her
she can see the woman whom no light will fall on as she wails her longing into the still air
and she reaches out her hand
and rescues her

When does running away become being lost?
When does cautiousness become hiding?
When does a mood become a state of mind?
When does an event become a miracle?
When does a heart become a wreckage?
When do years become a lifetime?
When do tears become immovable?
When does tiredness become giving up?  
When does silence become death?
When does depression become scars?
When does someone become everything?

We kissed wistfully under that oak
Eating the treasure shadows rich with dew
The crisscrossing leaps of faith
Hung far above our heads

The ravens leap and dip
Perch ragged  
And understand how onward going
Can break you into tiny bits

sliding through the half open doorway of my older sister’s room
I was an adventurer,
searching  for treasure and fame amidst the crumpled bed sheets and discarded clothes
I always heard her footsteps above me before I found anything

I wandered the woods that lay like a blanket across the hillside
I tried to categorize everything I saw so that nothing could elude me
you were terra
you were avis
you made me cry with your beauty that I didn’t know enough Latin or English to explain

I found a piece of petrified wood
it sat next to my bed
I memorized it as the day turned to twilight
it lasted forever

When I climbed the pile of rubble and rocks near the green garden shed
I perched atop the peaked roof a queen
eating sour crab apples as I watched the neighbors yell at their children under the oak
for something that I knew they hadn’t done

years earlier
crouching low at the bottom of the blue carpeted stairs
the yarn abrasive against my fingertips
listening to my parent’s hushed voices
trying to make out the words I couldn’t quite understand
or didn’t want to

running fast down the path by the plunging waterfall
feeling the pine needles ***** my hands and knees when I fell
but I couldn’t go home
I had to learn their secrets

you are the improbable things
you are the tremor of my shoulders that continues past the limits of my body until it fades
like an echo in the air
you are the rounded shape of the heavy words in my mouth
the darkness of my accent coloring the phrases like ink as they pass through my throat
I do not choke on them as often as I used to
You are that jagged edge of skin on the side of my finger nail
the one that I know I shouldn’t pick at but do anyway in minutes of abstraction
you are like that
I am like the scab that you want to pick off
when you do so
you do it deliberately because it hurts
you don’t do it for the pain, you aren’t like that I know
it is for the blood
the blood that is clear red and hope and possibility and eventually brown flakes on a downtrodden floor

you are the blinking cursor tempting me to write
you are the blinking cursor who has just swallowed the words I wanted you to
yet still I am angry with you
I think perhaps
I wanted those words
back

I see you little, in the dark we walk
I feel your pulse, the sudden palpitation
your soul is closed to me, your mouth a lock
yet in your breath I hear anticipation

who else wanders amidst these lonely walls
I hear a voice, a cry from star to star
these questions will be my quick’ning downfall
I’ve worshiped you for so long from afar

will you wait for me, stand at the tall gate?
wistfully, watch the stars as they appear?
stay still, my love, I will not be too late
come midnight, I’ll be with you, never fear

I’ll meet you there, and we in rapture stay
lest you, unknown to me, go and betray

I was trying
But the crumpled people who breathe fear amidst a sea of scarred wrists
Scared me too much

You are the improbable starlight
You are words of comfort no one speaks
You are the only person who traces my spine and I don't tense up
You are the one that I love
You are more than I could say
You are the rock I keep crashing into
Unable to stay away