you are curled into a shell of a back hallway
into the syncopated off-beat
into the dark when I close my eyes when I cannot bear to watch this anymore
I have seen it
I have seen this movie and the hero dies at the end and the girl cries
the funeral is too loud in the grave by the highway where the cars can’t stop
won’t stop

and I am bleeding out in between your fingertips
I am pouring out between the ridges of the carpet and even in all of my pieces I can see you refuse to admit that you are holding my life in your hands

I could live without you for at least an hour
I could do it
I could forget
I could live for sixty glorious minutes
I could crush the bitter glass between my swollen lips and taste you on every ragged inhalation
and live
I don’t believe you
neither do I but you could at least lie, for my sake, you could at least try to pick up the pieces
What pieces?
*******
What pieces?
the pieces
What pieces?
the ones on the pavement
What pavement?
my pavement
The pavement you chose, the pavement you are painted on, the pavement you are falling between the cracks of
Yes, the pavement
It’s red hot this time of year
I know.  How long has it been?
4 minutes
Am I dead yet?
No
Am I alive?
Not quite
*******
You’re just in pieces
I know.   How much longer till I’ve won?
A lifetime
Well how long will that take?
How should I know?
Am I done yet?
The girl’s feet won’t be ****** after she runs down the street
It’s dry, then
Cleaned,  by now
How long?
*Long enough

You are the improbable starlight
You are words of comfort no one speaks
You are the only person who traces my spine and I don't tense up
You are the one that I love
You are more than I could say
You are the rock I keep crashing into
Unable to stay away

The things
we expect from each other
are the things we want to find in ourselves
the solace we find
we wish it was an internal process
the pain that we do not expect
do not predict
is the aching sensation inside us all

I do not believe the universe is infinite
science can explain many things
and while I know my thoughts are nothing more than synapses firing
connections being made
neural sparks
hormones flooding
it is strange because I am thinking
and at the same time I am aware of the chemical processes that are really thinking for me
and my eyes well up with tears and my body betrays me
I do not know what is truthful
is infinity a real number, is there a curved steel wall surrounding our universe
I think my thoughts and realize with a sense of dread that none of them are original
we are the million monkeys at a million typewriters, except it's not one million, it's infinity
we chance upon beauty, it is one in an infinity
I am nothing more than a product
a link in a chain
a predicable formula
I will not be that
I refuse to be what you ascribe me to
You think I will obey
I most likely will
Soul asunder
Secret surrender

you are the improbable things
you are the tremor of my shoulders that continues past the limits of my body until it fades
like an echo in the air
you are the rounded shape of the heavy words in my mouth
the darkness of my accent coloring the phrases like ink as they pass through my throat
I do not choke on them as often as I used to
You are that jagged edge of skin on the side of my finger nail
the one that I know I shouldn’t pick at but do anyway in minutes of abstraction
you are like that
I am like the scab that you want to pick off
when you do so
you do it deliberately because it hurts
you don’t do it for the pain, you aren’t like that I know
it is for the blood
the blood that is clear red and hope and possibility and eventually brown flakes on a downtrodden floor

you are the blinking cursor tempting me to write
you are the blinking cursor who has just swallowed the words I wanted you to
yet still I am angry with you
I think perhaps
I wanted those words
back

We kissed wistfully under that oak
Eating the treasure shadows rich with dew
The crisscrossing leaps of faith
Hung far above our heads

The ravens leap and dip
Perch ragged  
And understand how onward going
Can break you into tiny bits

When does running away become being lost?
When does cautiousness become hiding?
When does a mood become a state of mind?
When does an event become a miracle?
When does a heart become a wreckage?
When do years become a lifetime?
When do tears become immovable?
When does tiredness become giving up?  
When does silence become death?
When does depression become scars?
When does someone become everything?