morning is the sun flooding through my window
night is when you're flooding through my door
like an unforgiving force
I would gladly drown in
you are the storm of all my secrets
you are not regretted
but are the embodiment of my regret
pounding on the walls
begging to be freed and known by all the next lovers hands to touch me
you are the drivel that pours out of my crevices and imprisons the glare of every stranger
I wear you on my skin like a blanket
you are my comfort and you are crushing me
you are my reflection and the light that leaves spots in my vision
you are the moments in between every wound I inflict upon myself
you are every inch of despised color dripping down my thigh
I break promises like you break hearts
but we both can't seem to stop
so wash me down with my despair
and we can pretend this is the last time we have to empty out our pockets before one other

You know the song I whisper to myself in the night
For I myself sang it to you and I myself let you
Crawl into my bed of despair
Of desperation and
You rolled about
Slept in it and
Immersed yourself in the nakedness of my being and
I was a wilting flower
A ****
But you didn't care
You pressed your Jewish face, hands and tenderness
Took in my stubborn scent

You made me feel like a rose

Your voice always sounds scared and nervous and  
Agitated
It is precious because it can change a universe
You’re intelligent but
My name is toxic in your mouth you know
Saying it kills you
It's thick vowels are murderous
Mixing with the mourning of a
Genetically inherited pollutant elsewhere
Deep in your throat
hidden and hushed
Your mother tongue drowns weeping at your rejection of her
My name and her sobs don’t mix well
She behaves like acid rain
Killing the flowers in your heart and
I don’t feel like a rose in that place anymore
I feel like I'm a **** again and
I just
Want to go home

I will be your rock,
when you feel there is no one left,
stand on me and I will give you stability.

Let me hold you and block out the world,
let me mend your wounds,
and love your scars.

As long as you let me I will always be there for you,
do not try push me away,
I will not go.

You simply need to take my hand,
reach out,
I will always be by your side.

I will not forsake you,
I will not forget you,
and I will always love you.

I can no promise that I will be perfect,
that we will always be happy,
or that I will not have my faults.

But I swear to you,
I will never give up on you,
just please try to remember,
how much you mean to me.

You made me laugh – when I was crying.
You made me strong – when I was weak.
You gave me wisdom – for my foolishness.
You gave me vision – when I was bleak.

You asked me one thing – that I would trust You.
You showed me something I’d never known –
Yet it was something my heart was aching for –
Your overpowering love and gentleness were shown.

I knew that I would always trust You.
I knew that You would walk with me.
Whatever life might throw down my way
Your Truth would always keep me free.

Life’s bitter highway has thrown me boulders,
Resuscitation comes alone from You –
And with it light, the shadows all surpassing.
This life is known by far too few.

So many lies twine round the heartstrings.
So many demons tranquilise the soul.
So many shutters cancel out the vision
Of the One and only Christ who makes men whole.

A man must choose his fate. His future
Depends entirely on his choices now.
Believe the lies and blindly follow fortune’s way,
Or find the truth and wear a winner’s gown.

Could you be brave enough to look for truth?
Could you be one who’s willing to believe?
Could you then trust the Man who went before us all
Through death to Life, our vision to retrieve.

Could you dance when the chips are down?
Could you be one unstoppable at last,
Whose back cannot be broken by vicissitudes of life.
Could you be one with Him?  It’s no great ask.

Could you tell Him “I’m not quite all I thought I was,”
Could you face facts with vision’s morning dew,
And find the blood of Jesus quite up to the task
Of full resuscitation.  You could be brand new!

All those feelings you read about
have hit me all at once
and I feel emotionally, mentally and physically drained.

Being home helps some, but does not
fill the void left in my heart
or the loneliness when I walk in the door.

Tears flow without reason, smiles are hard to come by,
and love will be lost for what I am sure will feel like eternity.

I have never been a perfect lover,
way too many faults
but I have always tried to be the best I could be
I am afraid my well is dry.

I am broken, and there is no quick fix to mend my heart.

Sometimes I can't help but day dream
I sit and think about spending time with you
I imagine myself driving you around
Taking you out on dates
I picture in my mind all the laughs
And deep conversations that would be shared
I create scenarios in my mind
Where we try new things together
Explore and experiment
You bring out a certain side of me
I'm always envisioning you with me
All I can see myself doing
Is giving you what you want and need
It's especially bitter
And sweet
How I wonder what kissing you would be like
All I ever want
Is your lips against mine
Getting to spend time with you
And share joyful memories
Is what I dream about
Not only in the night
But during the day as well

Will I ever truly have you?
Will you ever let me be yours?
How can I compete with a past
that I wasn't even there for?
How do I help you forget
years of your life that's already spent?
I guess maybe it just hasn't been long enough yet
I read it in your poems
I hear it in you voice
I see it in your eyes
When you're feeling caught up in the fight
Do you long for her?
Do you dream of her as you sleep?
Is she the one thing to you
that I will never be?
Do you miss that life?
Do you miss your ex-wife?
If so where does that leave me?
Alone and playing a game I'll never
be able to beat
Why do you lie?
Why do you try so hard to hide?
It's like being caught up in a rip tide
and there's no breaking free
Are you going back someday?
Are you planning on leaving me lonely as can be?
Because I don't know if
I can be what you said you never really wanted
I can never be California or make a million dollars
And I can't be okay with competing with a dream
I don't condemn you for your past
I would never do that
So how can you do that to me?
How can you lecture me to get over it
When you haven't let go and placed your final bet
And I've already  laid all my cards out on the table
How do you spin me advice
and try to make me feel so unwise?
How dare you try and tell me how to live my life
When you are the one feeling so contrite
I've done as you have said
I've taken your friendly advice
and changed things in my mind
I've gotten over most of my pain
And in dealing with yours you are being feign
My heart is yours forever and always but
I won't keep playing Russian roulette
when every chamber in your gun is already loaded.

© Ashley Rodden. All rights reserved

Let me write you a poem, not because I can but because I have to
Your name drips like candy off the tongue, in a world that seems empty of all else your pulse feels like drag racing on a highway.
Put your hands on me.  Bluntly and stop, thinking and start feeling me. Crawling into your bed and holding your head up so I can peer into your mind, to see what I can find.
I want to remind myself of how much I mean to you
and how late nights are form fitting dresses on an anorexic,
Sugar pills given to diabetics.
red markers given to cutters, or braces given to people who stutter.
You, are every if and or but I’ve ever ignored. I implore you to understand me
my nooks and crannys, my would’s, should’s and can be’s.  
I want you like ****** coursing through my veins.
I can’t contain myself.
Skip town on a bus, to find your way into my room on my bed under my sheets, my skin, my heat. Beat me, leave bruises on my thighs so when my lovers see them they have to ask why and I have to hide you, like a drug addiction and bad breath in the morning, you feel like global warming against my skin, when you literally lift me up I’m reminded of how small I am in comparison.
Let me write you a poem, not because I want to but because I’m in love with you.
Had you fooled didn’t I?
Let’s get one thing straight.
I hate the way you make me feel.
I’ve taken too much time to heal these wounds and you remind me that they’re still fresh.
My body feels like it’s in love, I can’t think of anything else when you’re around
except the sound in my own head.
I fell in love with you like a razor blade cuts across fresh skin.
Quickly, and with the malice of a thousand swearing tongues
I found your name on the end of a list too many times to forget.
and I hate it.
Because I never write poems for people I am not in love with.
So forgive me if I can’t come to grips with the idea that I have
fallen for you like a snow storm, like the rain that shatters glass.
Kicking and screaming, on the soft grass.

Let me write you a poem, not because I can, but because I’m afraid that I have to.
If I don’t write these memories down then I might forget you.
and I don’t want to.