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jat Jul 2015
the only person
i can truthfully
talk to is myself
jat Oct 2016
the year i shed and lost
layers that never belonged
from rain to dust
nothing was meant to last
ephemeral interconnection
all that i could ever ask
every now and then
i dream i weep
for something gone
so long
i swear this is not about the break up. whatevre i say now made it seem like it is.
jat Jul 2015
the ocean reaches out
for you when you fall

the ocean catches every
single drop of tears

the ocean kisses your
forehead goodnight

the ocean never leaves
you for your fears

the ocean appreciates
you for you are alive
jat Aug 2014
I never understood the meanings of birthday
Or why people celebrates it

Another year of survival
Or another year closer to death

Random strangers getting together
To sing in unison and rejoice

For what uncanny thoughts there are
Behind the dim-litted candles
And the cake you once so loved

Force a smile and fake a wish
To ones who burns your dreams

It's just another ordinary day to me
To live a life like how it should be
jat Jan 2016
I've been thinking about this situation and I really want to properly type this. sorta. I am beyond grateful for your existence and you being here on earth. it means so much and it made a whole lot of difference in my life which makes my heart jump. I've been thinking about my recovery and how you've stayed and supported my health. It's not serious, I know. It may not be the best time, and it mustn't have been easy for you to handle silly situations and to tolerate this bullcrap. It absolutely wasn't the smoothest relationships we had and it was wrecking everything at that time. im so thankful for you and how much you've made me feel me and see the God that loves me again. surrounding myself with people like you guys make me feel lighter despite the downs in between. your existence encourages me to express myself in many forms and it gets better every time; just not on my own. I don't remember if I was expressive or not as a person but I feel like you need to know how you've helped. thank you.
jat Nov 2015
I do not understand why people celebrates birthday and I don't see why we are only allowed to be extra jubilant on occasion like this.

Is this just another excuse to be having a feast and a gathering? Another excuse to be distant from ourselves?

Aside from all those statements, I learnt that it is another reason to remember a day spent with people you love at heart. It gives an impression of what the day turned out like, who it was spent with, how we ended up at a certain venues.

I may not figure out where it derives from but at least I understood that every birthdays left me an impression I don't forget.
jat Jul 2015
all i want is for someone to figure me out
jat Nov 2013
flowers withering in forms of thoughts of you
steadily slow seeping through our intertwined souls
dried blood flaking off my lips to the sigh of your name
silent words dancing on our tongues we never share
subtle movements of dysphoria extricate from within
wrathful vibes linger in between figures of our wandering souls
unintentional loose knots of our hearts beneath our hands
swallowing hard at every particle clogged in our throats in the dark
our souls become one as you lay right next to me in silence
jat Apr 2017
1 for you
tied to me not by choice, but a bind

2 minutes phone call
left me in a delirious state of mind

3 in line
a name i yell, i seek and find

4 months to go
rejoice, and a glass of wine

5, number of grace
the space that sits in between over time
the second time i'll be tearing up and for you this time
jat Jul 2015
my life could possibly be better if
i focused less on me,
and all the journal entries
that begins with 'I's
and more on You, instead
jat Jul 2015
having to understand
most thing isnt really
always a positive thing

when you understand,
you feel a deeper pain
you dont just feel for yourself
but for somebody else.
it could be someone
you've known for long
or not at all

to understand,
is to be affected willingly
to be involved in their minds

when they disintegrate
into fine ashes,
so do you

to understand
is to be a shadow
inevitably
jat Jul 2015
there is no one i can confide in
there is no way i could express
but only through my sea salt tears
jat Aug 2014
the one who's afraid of
speaking up to pray for another
whose words are tied into multiple
complicating knots over and over

constant unravelling of visions
behind the darkness in those eyes
never got its heart anywhere
but where it used to lie
jat Apr 2017
repel, attract, reacts like no other
longing crawl to the deepest of the soul
from blood to blood, you're now a bearer
fused with a thread tied to our beating fist
a living sprout ill wholeheartedly water
he restores, supplies for what you lack
given the honour, im blessed with the colour
the first and the few, i am joyed for you.
my jiejie
jat Jun 2015
you like the idea of me
of the way i smile and
how it conceals all else,
not the bad habits i've been
struggling to walk out from

you like the idea of a
different mind in a different body
because i ain't like the majority,
not the reasons why i lose my sanity
late at night just to stay alive

you like the idea of an
unchanged being for i can't ever be moved,
not how much i try to change myself
to a person so i could begin to love again
to feel like im worth more than something
indefinitely

you like the ideas in my head,
but don't bother to fathom out
whatever started it all.

but it's all fine anyways, right?
try treading all the incoherent dots in in my head
then you'll understand a little bit better or why
i do things a certain way, or maybe
get a little idea of me in you
jat Dec 2014
there are dark times
so are there bright times
however it is,
it doesnt stop nature from growing

-hold up,
how could nature grow when
the human species are constantly defying it
all the hell **** time

destroying also-god-made innocent creatures
for their pleasures and selfish purposes

hurting our own kind like
they do not have a soul, and feelings
when we are all born with one

how can we grow in a world,
so blindly filled with violence
and callousness

is it so hard to
                                   feel????????
jat Dec 2016
oh jesus
you work in ways i do not see
in and through the ones i adore
"love the unloveable"
the second i fit myself in another's
i am truly undeserving or your love
but you still do, nevertheless
you pour your blessings unto me
so i could transmit the same
unto others
it is you i am blessed
jat Jul 2014
Im not an artist
one who lacks commitment
who does not practise

I'm not an explorer
trapped in comfort zone
held down forever

I'm not different
choked words and unspoken
whose thoughts are incoherent

I'm not a thinker
rather untimely fantasy
not at least any realer

I am His
who takes the 'not's
and turn every word around
jat Jul 2015
sometimes i find myself struggling to tell somebody
about myself which eventually turned into pure nothingness
not that i don't want them to discern, but because
i know them, or they know me
i cant figure out which but maybe a little bit of both
and there are no valid reasons to trust
with informations from within myself with them

and there i find myself casually sharing about the
latest occurrence that happened to me days ago
or even my deepest thought i've had in mind for long
to people i barely know, whose name not detected in my head

i have the strength to express myself to a stranger
because they don't know me, and neither do i know them
and its not up to me to worry about them caring
because all of this is just a passing game
life goes on blindless-ly, without validation
jat Jul 2015
i've been in this disconsolate state for long enough
to even dismiss all living emotions and torment

just so i could stop feeling the stings on my skin

if one day you decides look into my eyes
you'll see nothing, not a single spark

well they say our eyes are the windows to the soul

you could say that my soul is completely
over the brink filled with mere nothingness

i wouldn't be surprised
but you might

cause how can a smile so vibrant and strong
disguise something so fragile
jat Aug 2014
citizens full of lies
my skin is getting dry
like a snake in disguise

dried skin swaying off my lip
waiting to be freed
exposing a healthier meat

with eyelids struggling to meet
sobbing is a penalty
like an anchored body

left to rot
jat Jul 2015
have i ever been the last thing
on anyone's mind
before they rest for the night
anyone, anyone at all?
jat Jun 2015
the bricks in my throat are piling up
one by one without consent
so quickly it reaches my mind
as if it happened in a snap of a finger
choking up my thoughts and emotions
disenabling me to express myself
to myself for myself
jat Jul 2015
there are words that are better left unsaid
there are truths that are better told lies

you were in my head when i fell into sleep
you sat there beside me right in my dreams
i held your hands and laid on your lap

but what i mentioned was
"you stabbed me while i was running from something"
i cant let the truth out of my lips

you could be thinking different of me
for now, you thought i had a nightmare

that was my nightmare
jat Aug 2015
said enough of anything
exposed enough of my thoughts
too much to be known
and all happens in minutes or so
spontaneously then regrets
afterwards

there's nothing to do
to swallow them back down
to bury the feelings you feel
the discomfort you're clenching
in your fists
that made your nails
sink into your skin

what else more?
jat Sep 2015
let them wonder
**** their mind of
the idea they have
of you

reveal
but never too much
reveal just enough to
make their head hurt
figuring you out

tell
but not the stuff you
think you'd regret
think, before anything

be no one to everyone
be you, for yourself

wait and you'll see
who would rather stay
wait, and learn about you
as much as you try to hide

and who decides to give up
halfway, or done
once they've seen enough
think they've known enough

but who knows if everything
on your surface is nothing but a lie
pretty cover doesn't mean anything

be a mystery
jat Aug 2014
if ever dear,
you found a shell by the sea.

keep it to yourself,
close to you.
it could bring you something
you never thought it would.

like a safety charm,
to keep you safe
and accompanied.

if ever dear,
someone breaks your sight.
grab your shell,
and hold it by your side.

remember what it could bring.
a little sun rays,
and a little peace.

if ever dear,
you realised it was not a shell
that you picked.
but a hope instead,
brought by some tingles in your veins.

would you still have
kept it close in you?

for you have not seen it in your eyes,
but your firm beliefs.
jat Apr 2017
most magical bean to be sprouting
three pairs of hands for existing
all i can think of is a blessing
in time to come it'll be kicking
on the digits, on the analogues
it's definitely narrowing
at the grandfather's,
it never stop ticking
jat Aug 2014
she has been neglected, thrown over a bridge and let down all her life.
made of delicate unfired ceramics, not demands.

she tries every time, kicked herself and choke on her tongue.
everything seem impossible this moment. she breaks down.

she's not used to having somebody, of any unknown presence.
all she used to had was herself but nobody. she can't speak up.

*like a blanket that always leaves your feet cold.
d.p.s
jat Aug 2015
I AM SO MAD
OVER EVERYTHING
OVER PEOPLE
- TAKING UP MY STUDY SPOT
- TAKING UP MY STUDY SPOT
- TAKING UP MY STUDY SPOT
YOUR FACE ANNOYS ME
jat Aug 2015
here i sit unfollowing people
i've never met on instagram
(all those expections i put on
myself i can never meet)

here i sit removing old photos
from my iphone gallery
(all those memories i cant
seem to give it up)

here i thought to myself
its time to stop hoarding
its time to stop dwelling in the past
that can never be brought back
its time to be living, now

cheers to a new beginning
a new season in life
cheers to setting lower expectations
for myself and for Him to meet
cheers to being kind to myself

today
jat Aug 2014
why did i thought  i was getting better
who ever said i am?

its been months and i fell back
into the vast pit of nothingness

renewed my blades, supposedly for school
to slice paper boards for packaging lessons

everything is coming back to me. again
back to my head where it's not supposed to be

it comes and goes, comes and goes
as and when it wishes to

nobody really wants me anywhere
rather sympathetic to say it out loud

except for you
jat Jan 2014
close your eyes gently
as we create little tiny
indiscernible constellations
out of our bare fingertips
elongated eyelashes
and our razor-sharp tongues.
jat Nov 2013
don't forget the strange lonely
chills you get at 5:15am
don't forget to look up the sky
for stars and for hopes
don't lose sight of the void
in your hearts and
your cold lone bones
don't forget those green
delicate veins under
your soft flimsy wrists
don't forget to leave those bleak
reflective yelling shards of glass
alone and out of sight
don't forget yourself
how you've stayed so strong
and even broke to pieces
don't forget you can finally
say that you are happy
again.
jat Aug 2014
visions so insane
something we can't explain
all we feel is pain
waiting for a change
jat Apr 2017
like my head it reflects and blows
so much to express, to clarify
but im avoidant and in constant denial
for what im about to shed off my mind
are nothing but thunderstorms
jat Jan 2014
the scent of you stayed for weeks
lingering in my room until
the day my tears polluted
the entire room with
desire and loneliness

you never called
you never text
do you even think of me
as much as i think of you
wanting you under my bed sheets
just to cuddle like we used to

nothing more but to
sleep under the silence
in each others arms
jat Apr 2017
powerful but not in a aggressive way
little growth at a time, the stronger it becomes
its an electric, its an action, reaction
couple of hours to go, im feeling quite a ***
im waiting and expecting, a secret i am keeping
sky
jat Sep 2015
sky
"the moment you stop learning how to love
is the moment you stop engaging with the world"
"and its the most beautiful thing ever"

i dont know how but to admire
people who never stop loving
never stop taking a step forward
never stop trying despite
having their heart crushed to pieces

perhaps its just me
who's having the disability
to begin learning how to

or perhaps i've never
had the opportunity
ever

or perhaps it never existed
in my life
jat Jul 2015
im about to have a panic attack
im right at home where i dont feel like its home
theres a pile of indecipherable bits clustering
in my head i cant seem to knock it down
i need to be released from my own grip
from the bars behind my head
i need somebody
i need air
jat Sep 2015
I now recall every decision made
and the truth behind it

Need my time space myself
Again, no distraction

Is the only way I can put myself
Back up and steady

I NEED a change
Always do

It's what makes me feel better
About me, for the MOMENT
jat Aug 2014
When i was younger, i didn't had the opportunity to understand much stuffs.
I didn't understand why things are the way they are now.
Kept verbally and visually away from all things known.

When i was younger, i didn't had the opportunity to understand much stuffs.
I had troubles concentrating.
I was told to study hard enough, get a job, and paid filthy.
But not told to learn how to live happily with guilt-free.

When i was younger, i didn't had the opportunity to understand much stuffs.
I witnessed the cremation of my late-grandfather.
Everyone in the room was crying, except me.
Not capable of reacting rightly like a person should.

When i was younger, i didn't had the opportunity to understand much stuffs.
I had three sisters.
One whom i shared room with, another two together in the other.
I was not told to know my family well enough to love.

When i was younger, i didn't had the opportunity to understand much stuffs.
I runs to my dad's room and he tells me many things.
Mostly turns out to be lies or if i would give him any of my wages in the future.
Not the kinds of talk in which i learn who i can trust and to love myself.

Those days has passed, Im beginning to understand.
And I can't stop crying from all the lessons I've missed.
It hit me hard like a hurricane and I can't adjust.

I have troubles sleeping at night occasionally.
So does waking up, a harder thing to do.

Self-love is just another out of the world question.
(fact)
jat Jul 2017
call me a peach
ask me why do i stay so far
know about me
don't end it so abruptly

only you can lift my mood
in a second and also
drop it in less than a second
how scary it can be
that you control my emotions
so easily

i want to know your flaws
and accept how you are
or what you've become

you come knocking on my inbox
only when the moon is up
and left it open and hanging without
a good bye or good night

what happened to the 'x's
that ended the talk

do you still wonder how my day was
or creep on my profile
or do you even think about me
like i think about you everyday
and awaits for littlest message

no worries,
im scared too
jat Oct 2016
"if something happens.."
been said so many times
its embedded into my mind effortlessly

im fearing im panicking
i dont want to be thinking about it
i cant seem to stop

i fear when you walk out on me
i fear the day "if whatever happens..."
happens
i fear missing you
not breathing with you

i wonder how you are doing
what do you eat when you're not with me
what's been going on in your mind
what have you surrounded yourself with

how did your day go

what makes the side of your lip curl a little
what made your heart jump
what confuses you
what make you feel like burying your head in the pillows
it happened and i realised we both do not have the capacity to even love at all.
jat Aug 2014
when someone's sharing
part of their thought
in which they've already
shared

be silent and listen
to every syllable
every word
like you mean it

never speak of these words
"you said it already" and
ruin every possible moment

for they were so excited
to share those memories
that made them
jump over their bones

heavily filled with
much anticipation
to share every time
it could never slip
off their little mind

appreciate the
temporal happiness
and admire those eyes
that sparkles before
the story begins
jat Jul 2015
the view from another corner
could be as powerful as yours is
just as everyone else
jat Jul 2015
nothing is more satisfying than
accomplishing something just for yourself
not because you've had a long day
but because you know you deserve something
after a long time of suppressing yourself
nothing feels better than rewarding your own body
your own mind with authentic kindness
because you know its time to be loving you
its the littlest thing like
what i did for myself
keeps me going and
looking forward to life.
it is me doing something
for myself and not
anyone else
jat Jul 2015
the thing about
sharing your side of the story to people
is to let them know how you feel,
what you think but little did you know
you're influencing everyone else's
perception based on yours
which made it harder for them to
discover the other side that
they've yet to hear of

nobody listens if you try
your hardest to validate yourself
jat Dec 2013
we all loved being touched
in way we feel security and comfort

not the kind of touch where someone
holds our hand or our wrist tightly
when we walk across the road
just so we won't be knocked down
by a car or any speeding vehicle

the kind of touch when someone
cups our neck and meets our eyes
or places both their hands firmly
on both our shoulders

to just simply reassure
and to remind that
we could feel safe being
being with the ones
we think we can trust
jat Aug 2014
you're like the fog
that blinds my vision
the smokey obstacles
to my ambition

those forest-green eyes
that speaks a dozen tales
leaves no agony behind
and let none to sail

SNAP OF A TWIG

endless splinters
like an arrow dart
on countless fingers
that turned to ash

wilderness hut
clouded by your whispers
where i place my trust
or fall into a trap
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