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Jul 2017 · 243
the middle
jat Jul 2017
call me a peach
ask me why do i stay so far
know about me
don't end it so abruptly

only you can lift my mood
in a second and also
drop it in less than a second
how scary it can be
that you control my emotions
so easily

i want to know your flaws
and accept how you are
or what you've become

you come knocking on my inbox
only when the moon is up
and left it open and hanging without
a good bye or good night

what happened to the 'x's
that ended the talk

do you still wonder how my day was
or creep on my profile
or do you even think about me
like i think about you everyday
and awaits for littlest message

no worries,
im scared too
Apr 2017 · 292
see you later
jat Apr 2017
powerful but not in a aggressive way
little growth at a time, the stronger it becomes
its an electric, its an action, reaction
couple of hours to go, im feeling quite a ***
im waiting and expecting, a secret i am keeping
Apr 2017 · 274
micro
jat Apr 2017
most magical bean to be sprouting
three pairs of hands for existing
all i can think of is a blessing
in time to come it'll be kicking
on the digits, on the analogues
it's definitely narrowing
at the grandfather's,
it never stop ticking
Apr 2017 · 314
blue
jat Apr 2017
1 for you
tied to me not by choice, but a bind

2 minutes phone call
left me in a delirious state of mind

3 in line
a name i yell, i seek and find

4 months to go
rejoice, and a glass of wine

5, number of grace
the space that sits in between over time
the second time i'll be tearing up and for you this time
Apr 2017 · 332
electric
jat Apr 2017
repel, attract, reacts like no other
longing crawl to the deepest of the soul
from blood to blood, you're now a bearer
fused with a thread tied to our beating fist
a living sprout ill wholeheartedly water
he restores, supplies for what you lack
given the honour, im blessed with the colour
the first and the few, i am joyed for you.
my jiejie
Apr 2017 · 731
puddle
jat Apr 2017
like my head it reflects and blows
so much to express, to clarify
but im avoidant and in constant denial
for what im about to shed off my mind
are nothing but thunderstorms
Dec 2016 · 585
hosanna
jat Dec 2016
oh jesus
you work in ways i do not see
in and through the ones i adore
"love the unloveable"
the second i fit myself in another's
i am truly undeserving or your love
but you still do, nevertheless
you pour your blessings unto me
so i could transmit the same
unto others
it is you i am blessed
Dec 2016 · 308
why they crawls you asked
jat Dec 2016
from the day i had my hair cut
to today, few nights before christmas
i thought of you and your irritant guts
reminded me of why my skin crawls
of how i could detest a person like you
or i could be lying to myself, and again

i lifted carol off the shelf
hoping to read like i've never read before
shut it tight before i get too far
since then
i've never left the book out of my sights
when its not underneath my head
where i sleep with it
it's laid on the top of the shelf
isolated from every other books
i've ever owned

i hate the thought of you
the sight of you
even the sound of your name
Oct 2016 · 217
this is fourth time my girl
jat Oct 2016
"if something happens.."
been said so many times
its embedded into my mind effortlessly

im fearing im panicking
i dont want to be thinking about it
i cant seem to stop

i fear when you walk out on me
i fear the day "if whatever happens..."
happens
i fear missing you
not breathing with you

i wonder how you are doing
what do you eat when you're not with me
what's been going on in your mind
what have you surrounded yourself with

how did your day go

what makes the side of your lip curl a little
what made your heart jump
what confuses you
what make you feel like burying your head in the pillows
it happened and i realised we both do not have the capacity to even love at all.
Oct 2016 · 312
2016
jat Oct 2016
the year i shed and lost
layers that never belonged
from rain to dust
nothing was meant to last
ephemeral interconnection
all that i could ever ask
every now and then
i dream i weep
for something gone
so long
i swear this is not about the break up. whatevre i say now made it seem like it is.
Jan 2016 · 352
a message not to be sent
jat Jan 2016
I've been thinking about this situation and I really want to properly type this. sorta. I am beyond grateful for your existence and you being here on earth. it means so much and it made a whole lot of difference in my life which makes my heart jump. I've been thinking about my recovery and how you've stayed and supported my health. It's not serious, I know. It may not be the best time, and it mustn't have been easy for you to handle silly situations and to tolerate this bullcrap. It absolutely wasn't the smoothest relationships we had and it was wrecking everything at that time. im so thankful for you and how much you've made me feel me and see the God that loves me again. surrounding myself with people like you guys make me feel lighter despite the downs in between. your existence encourages me to express myself in many forms and it gets better every time; just not on my own. I don't remember if I was expressive or not as a person but I feel like you need to know how you've helped. thank you.
Nov 2015 · 371
Another 365 on 21/10
jat Nov 2015
I do not understand why people celebrates birthday and I don't see why we are only allowed to be extra jubilant on occasion like this.

Is this just another excuse to be having a feast and a gathering? Another excuse to be distant from ourselves?

Aside from all those statements, I learnt that it is another reason to remember a day spent with people you love at heart. It gives an impression of what the day turned out like, who it was spent with, how we ended up at a certain venues.

I may not figure out where it derives from but at least I understood that every birthdays left me an impression I don't forget.
jat Sep 2015
let them wonder
**** their mind of
the idea they have
of you

reveal
but never too much
reveal just enough to
make their head hurt
figuring you out

tell
but not the stuff you
think you'd regret
think, before anything

be no one to everyone
be you, for yourself

wait and you'll see
who would rather stay
wait, and learn about you
as much as you try to hide

and who decides to give up
halfway, or done
once they've seen enough
think they've known enough

but who knows if everything
on your surface is nothing but a lie
pretty cover doesn't mean anything

be a mystery
Sep 2015 · 297
STILL NOT A POEM
jat Sep 2015
I now recall every decision made
and the truth behind it

Need my time space myself
Again, no distraction

Is the only way I can put myself
Back up and steady

I NEED a change
Always do

It's what makes me feel better
About me, for the MOMENT
Sep 2015 · 283
Untitled
jat Sep 2015
my throat may be red and sore
i may have clumps of phlegm trapped inside
and be having difficulties breathing
my eyelids may be feeling heavy
the fever comes and go
i am a little ill

but it wont beat the illness
i have in my head
there are so much annoyance
confusion and hatred i have
i cant seem to be put of them
into words
Sep 2015 · 291
sky
jat Sep 2015
sky
"the moment you stop learning how to love
is the moment you stop engaging with the world"
"and its the most beautiful thing ever"

i dont know how but to admire
people who never stop loving
never stop taking a step forward
never stop trying despite
having their heart crushed to pieces

perhaps its just me
who's having the disability
to begin learning how to

or perhaps i've never
had the opportunity
ever

or perhaps it never existed
in my life
Aug 2015 · 762
NOT A POEM #2
jat Aug 2015
here i sit unfollowing people
i've never met on instagram
(all those expections i put on
myself i can never meet)

here i sit removing old photos
from my iphone gallery
(all those memories i cant
seem to give it up)

here i thought to myself
its time to stop hoarding
its time to stop dwelling in the past
that can never be brought back
its time to be living, now

cheers to a new beginning
a new season in life
cheers to setting lower expectations
for myself and for Him to meet
cheers to being kind to myself

today
Aug 2015 · 572
NOT A POEM
jat Aug 2015
I AM SO MAD
OVER EVERYTHING
OVER PEOPLE
- TAKING UP MY STUDY SPOT
- TAKING UP MY STUDY SPOT
- TAKING UP MY STUDY SPOT
YOUR FACE ANNOYS ME
Aug 2015 · 258
its was good for a while
jat Aug 2015
said enough of anything
exposed enough of my thoughts
too much to be known
and all happens in minutes or so
spontaneously then regrets
afterwards

there's nothing to do
to swallow them back down
to bury the feelings you feel
the discomfort you're clenching
in your fists
that made your nails
sink into your skin

what else more?
Jul 2015 · 338
dont panic
jat Jul 2015
there is no one i can confide in
there is no way i could express
but only through my sea salt tears
Jul 2015 · 343
treat you right
jat Jul 2015
nothing is more satisfying than
accomplishing something just for yourself
not because you've had a long day
but because you know you deserve something
after a long time of suppressing yourself
nothing feels better than rewarding your own body
your own mind with authentic kindness
because you know its time to be loving you
its the littlest thing like
what i did for myself
keeps me going and
looking forward to life.
it is me doing something
for myself and not
anyone else
jat Jul 2015
my life could possibly be better if
i focused less on me,
and all the journal entries
that begins with 'I's
and more on You, instead
Jul 2015 · 132
Untitled
jat Jul 2015
do i not believe in relationships
or am i just fearful
Jul 2015 · 331
tonight i learnt that
jat Jul 2015
the view from another corner
could be as powerful as yours is
just as everyone else
jat Jul 2015
all i want is for someone to figure me out
Jul 2015 · 532
i don't know for you but
jat Jul 2015
sometimes i find myself struggling to tell somebody
about myself which eventually turned into pure nothingness
not that i don't want them to discern, but because
i know them, or they know me
i cant figure out which but maybe a little bit of both
and there are no valid reasons to trust
with informations from within myself with them

and there i find myself casually sharing about the
latest occurrence that happened to me days ago
or even my deepest thought i've had in mind for long
to people i barely know, whose name not detected in my head

i have the strength to express myself to a stranger
because they don't know me, and neither do i know them
and its not up to me to worry about them caring
because all of this is just a passing game
life goes on blindless-ly, without validation
jat Jul 2015
You plan my life step by step
in fine details without a flaw in transcript
up Your majestic glorious sleeves
behind my fears and even my greatest insecurities
at times when my intentions gone astray
you still fix your heart, eyes and purposes on me

You expresses them in my existence
in the most un-expecting ways
and in superlative odd timings
i could never ever imagine any more further

the way You exhale realisation into my face
is the moment i know You are so real
that i vision Your grace flowing through my veins

You love me so vastly, perpetually
and constantly blessing me with
things i've never dared to ask
things i that find rather insignificant

when in Your hands
they are everything You forged
everything that's a living matter
everything that's breathing from within
everything that lives under our toes
they weigh just as important as You do
a to the men
Jul 2015 · 279
i thought not
jat Jul 2015
have i ever been the last thing
on anyone's mind
before they rest for the night
anyone, anyone at all?
Jul 2015 · 545
you can be whatever
jat Jul 2015
wonder about everything you see
broaden your mindset
and see things in every perspectives
wander everywhere you are
create from anything you touch
be amazed by how
other mankind ponder about
ideas and circumstances
that you don't ever
your skin on your head is temporal
BUT your mind is a universe
Jul 2015 · 133
Untitled
jat Jul 2015
the thing about
sharing your side of the story to people
is to let them know how you feel,
what you think but little did you know
you're influencing everyone else's
perception based on yours
which made it harder for them to
discover the other side that
they've yet to hear of

nobody listens if you try
your hardest to validate yourself
jat Jul 2015
i've been in this disconsolate state for long enough
to even dismiss all living emotions and torment

just so i could stop feeling the stings on my skin

if one day you decides look into my eyes
you'll see nothing, not a single spark

well they say our eyes are the windows to the soul

you could say that my soul is completely
over the brink filled with mere nothingness

i wouldn't be surprised
but you might

cause how can a smile so vibrant and strong
disguise something so fragile
Jul 2015 · 265
2 august 2013
jat Jul 2015
the ocean reaches out
for you when you fall

the ocean catches every
single drop of tears

the ocean kisses your
forehead goodnight

the ocean never leaves
you for your fears

the ocean appreciates
you for you are alive
Jul 2015 · 338
its not a lie
jat Jul 2015
there are words that are better left unsaid
there are truths that are better told lies

you were in my head when i fell into sleep
you sat there beside me right in my dreams
i held your hands and laid on your lap

but what i mentioned was
"you stabbed me while i was running from something"
i cant let the truth out of my lips

you could be thinking different of me
for now, you thought i had a nightmare

that was my nightmare
Jul 2015 · 329
sometime it happens
jat Jul 2015
im about to have a panic attack
im right at home where i dont feel like its home
theres a pile of indecipherable bits clustering
in my head i cant seem to knock it down
i need to be released from my own grip
from the bars behind my head
i need somebody
i need air
Jul 2015 · 732
(10w)
jat Jul 2015
the only person
i can truthfully
talk to is myself
Jul 2015 · 272
connection not by choice
jat Jul 2015
having to understand
most thing isnt really
always a positive thing

when you understand,
you feel a deeper pain
you dont just feel for yourself
but for somebody else.
it could be someone
you've known for long
or not at all

to understand,
is to be affected willingly
to be involved in their minds

when they disintegrate
into fine ashes,
so do you

to understand
is to be a shadow
inevitably
Jun 2015 · 315
execution
jat Jun 2015
you like the idea of me
of the way i smile and
how it conceals all else,
not the bad habits i've been
struggling to walk out from

you like the idea of a
different mind in a different body
because i ain't like the majority,
not the reasons why i lose my sanity
late at night just to stay alive

you like the idea of an
unchanged being for i can't ever be moved,
not how much i try to change myself
to a person so i could begin to love again
to feel like im worth more than something
indefinitely

you like the ideas in my head,
but don't bother to fathom out
whatever started it all.

but it's all fine anyways, right?
try treading all the incoherent dots in in my head
then you'll understand a little bit better or why
i do things a certain way, or maybe
get a little idea of me in you
Jun 2015 · 240
its either that or
jat Jun 2015
the bricks in my throat are piling up
one by one without consent
so quickly it reaches my mind
as if it happened in a snap of a finger
choking up my thoughts and emotions
disenabling me to express myself
to myself for myself
Dec 2014 · 252
hands up
jat Dec 2014
there are dark times
so are there bright times
however it is,
it doesnt stop nature from growing

-hold up,
how could nature grow when
the human species are constantly defying it
all the hell **** time

destroying also-god-made innocent creatures
for their pleasures and selfish purposes

hurting our own kind like
they do not have a soul, and feelings
when we are all born with one

how can we grow in a world,
so blindly filled with violence
and callousness

is it so hard to
                                   feel????????
Aug 2014 · 319
tingles
jat Aug 2014
when someone's sharing
part of their thought
in which they've already
shared

be silent and listen
to every syllable
every word
like you mean it

never speak of these words
"you said it already" and
ruin every possible moment

for they were so excited
to share those memories
that made them
jump over their bones

heavily filled with
much anticipation
to share every time
it could never slip
off their little mind

appreciate the
temporal happiness
and admire those eyes
that sparkles before
the story begins
Aug 2014 · 327
not better
jat Aug 2014
why did i thought  i was getting better
who ever said i am?

its been months and i fell back
into the vast pit of nothingness

renewed my blades, supposedly for school
to slice paper boards for packaging lessons

everything is coming back to me. again
back to my head where it's not supposed to be

it comes and goes, comes and goes
as and when it wishes to

nobody really wants me anywhere
rather sympathetic to say it out loud

except for you
Aug 2014 · 319
Untitled
jat Aug 2014
you're like the fog
that blinds my vision
the smokey obstacles
to my ambition

those forest-green eyes
that speaks a dozen tales
leaves no agony behind
and let none to sail

SNAP OF A TWIG

endless splinters
like an arrow dart
on countless fingers
that turned to ash

wilderness hut
clouded by your whispers
where i place my trust
or fall into a trap
Aug 2014 · 464
365 days passed again
jat Aug 2014
I never understood the meanings of birthday
Or why people celebrates it

Another year of survival
Or another year closer to death

Random strangers getting together
To sing in unison and rejoice

For what uncanny thoughts there are
Behind the dim-litted candles
And the cake you once so loved

Force a smile and fake a wish
To ones who burns your dreams

It's just another ordinary day to me
To live a life like how it should be
Aug 2014 · 266
lets say
jat Aug 2014
if ever dear,
you found a shell by the sea.

keep it to yourself,
close to you.
it could bring you something
you never thought it would.

like a safety charm,
to keep you safe
and accompanied.

if ever dear,
someone breaks your sight.
grab your shell,
and hold it by your side.

remember what it could bring.
a little sun rays,
and a little peace.

if ever dear,
you realised it was not a shell
that you picked.
but a hope instead,
brought by some tingles in your veins.

would you still have
kept it close in you?

for you have not seen it in your eyes,
but your firm beliefs.
Aug 2014 · 344
dont pause for the moment
jat Aug 2014
the one who's afraid of
speaking up to pray for another
whose words are tied into multiple
complicating knots over and over

constant unravelling of visions
behind the darkness in those eyes
never got its heart anywhere
but where it used to lie
jat Aug 2014
citizens full of lies
my skin is getting dry
like a snake in disguise

dried skin swaying off my lip
waiting to be freed
exposing a healthier meat

with eyelids struggling to meet
sobbing is a penalty
like an anchored body

left to rot
Aug 2014 · 490
possibility
jat Aug 2014
visions so insane
something we can't explain
all we feel is pain
waiting for a change
Aug 2014 · 343
never about any of us
jat Aug 2014
she has been neglected, thrown over a bridge and let down all her life.
made of delicate unfired ceramics, not demands.

she tries every time, kicked herself and choke on her tongue.
everything seem impossible this moment. she breaks down.

she's not used to having somebody, of any unknown presence.
all she used to had was herself but nobody. she can't speak up.

*like a blanket that always leaves your feet cold.
d.p.s
Aug 2014 · 985
Supply > Demand
jat Aug 2014
When i was younger, i didn't had the opportunity to understand much stuffs.
I didn't understand why things are the way they are now.
Kept verbally and visually away from all things known.

When i was younger, i didn't had the opportunity to understand much stuffs.
I had troubles concentrating.
I was told to study hard enough, get a job, and paid filthy.
But not told to learn how to live happily with guilt-free.

When i was younger, i didn't had the opportunity to understand much stuffs.
I witnessed the cremation of my late-grandfather.
Everyone in the room was crying, except me.
Not capable of reacting rightly like a person should.

When i was younger, i didn't had the opportunity to understand much stuffs.
I had three sisters.
One whom i shared room with, another two together in the other.
I was not told to know my family well enough to love.

When i was younger, i didn't had the opportunity to understand much stuffs.
I runs to my dad's room and he tells me many things.
Mostly turns out to be lies or if i would give him any of my wages in the future.
Not the kinds of talk in which i learn who i can trust and to love myself.

Those days has passed, Im beginning to understand.
And I can't stop crying from all the lessons I've missed.
It hit me hard like a hurricane and I can't adjust.

I have troubles sleeping at night occasionally.
So does waking up, a harder thing to do.

Self-love is just another out of the world question.
(fact)
Jul 2014 · 438
I AM
jat Jul 2014
Im not an artist
one who lacks commitment
who does not practise

I'm not an explorer
trapped in comfort zone
held down forever

I'm not different
choked words and unspoken
whose thoughts are incoherent

I'm not a thinker
rather untimely fantasy
not at least any realer

I am His
who takes the 'not's
and turn every word around
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