In recovery
The concept of "how"
Tends to elude capture
It is the "why"
That ought to
Impel one to reach
For solid ground
As it holds
So much meaning.

Visions of Gallows
Haunt these colourless dreams
As the night consumes me whole

When I wake
I pore over
The series of
Make it or break it moments
That never amounted to anything
All that I ridiculed
Is what I now yearn for
These raging revolving doors
Have no egress.

These pernicious deeds....

Clenched jaw
A trail of the bright-red
And spit
Dribble from the mouth

Stifled mutterings
Of this ends today
Float in the air

Oh, how the need
To stop the engine
Exacerbates
When exchanging
Menacing glances with death

Wrestle the lethargy

The familiar
Awakened guilt
Gnaws away.

Murmurs of sincere well wishes
Filled my ears
And took root in my bones
Calming and enraging my soul

As lies of contentment
Seeped through my teeth
Breathes of truth
Escaped from my being
And I feared the scent
Of desperation
Would make my true desires known
As though their knowledge
Of that which I ache for
Would devoid all my dreams
Of their meaning
Squash the possibility
And obliterate the certitude
Of their fulfillment.

I have never quite understood
The mathematics of us
Or what the missing link
To the equation of our
Mutual adoration was
Perhaps,
It was the abundance of will
With the tragic absence of a way
That led to such a mournful conclusion.

The goodbyes were torment
One by one
They made their way
Through the sliding glass doors
Then disappeared
Into the crowds of
Frustrated travelers
And in their wake
Left a void within me
And an absence that invited
An unbearable chill
I stood in concealed sadness
Wide hopeful dark brown
Peasant eyes
In a child-like fashion
I prayed for a chance at ecstasy
I prayed for my comrades  
To march back through those
Sliding glass doors
And sneak me away.