1

the way my body responds to your touch
shivering and arching
makes me believe that you have magic
pulsating through your fingertips

when i hear your heartbeat
i know i am alive

our breath synced together
made everything fit

laying next you, intertwined
i have never been more content

your touch
your words
your presence and laughter

2

you made me lose myself
i made me lose everything to you
love is a fickle fiend
a ruthless *****
she comes and goes and pretends to stay
she makes you trick yourself
until you forget whats real and true
until you forget who you really are
until you forget who you want to be

3

i can't
i can't write letters to you
i can't answer your questions
i can't be sensitive and kind
i can't tell you everything
or anything at all.
i do not love you

4

i am happy without your love
because i love myself
i hope you are happy too

how can you expect to find peace without your feet on the ground?
find even without odd, find silence without sound?
how will you find honest pleasure without feeling genuine pain?
there is no winning without playing the game.
you can have no identity without giving yourself a name
dark and light, left and right, the balance is the same

as things sink deeper into my bones, solidifying and creating holes
the holes begin to burn and twist into cavernous depths,
i want to SHRIEK let me be free!
please, let go of my poor old aching bones
release the iron grip of reality,
stop the unbearable agony
that i caused for myself,
my own pain sinking deeper into itself

PAST
She needed to be reminded of who she was. She needed assurances from long-lost strangers. She needed to be told she was right and that she could fly. She needed to be tucked in at night and impassioned with light. She needed something from them that they could not give. She needed what she could not have. She needed to not be sad. She needed for a change to inspire. She needed to be told of her truth and her fight.
PRESENT
She needed too much from other people, and that was her downfall. One day a part of her died, the part that needed constant reassurance and love. It was brutally murdered by her own hands, in a fit of passion. And she was happy, far better off, without the weight of others within her.
FUTURE
She needs to remind herself of who she was, is and will be. She needs to push herself and keep moving f o r w a r d. She will always need something from herself that she can give, and will no longer waste on other people. She will be strong, and loved, and happy!

my friends and i
keep it in the air
together, forever, keep it flying
working as one
having the most fun
keep it in the air
together, forever, in memory
and love

i used to be a slave to the words that were all i could hear, that consumed my only clear thoughts and ideas. i used to be obsessed with capturing them and wrangling them into exactly what i meant them to be. and that proved too hard, because i am weak and words are fickle.

i used to stare at everything in my sight as hard as i could to get the exact picture i wanted to capture. i used to wonder about who and what and when and where. the permanence of the captured picture brought me back in time, into memories and old sights and places. i took a camera with me everywhere so i could capture all of my thoughts, all of my feelings and memories. and that proved too hard, as pictures develop into nothing unique, nothing clear.

i used to draw and shade and mold and touch. my fingers needed to create, needed to explode. i created what was easiest, what flowed out with no second thought. i used to try and let it take over me. and that proved too hard, as my hand seized up and i gave up. because of talent. because of pain. because nothing came rushing through my fingertips.

i used to think myself into different lands, different lives and different ideologies. i used to get lost within nothing, easily distracted by the cycles in my head, the cycles of life and love and death and pain. that proved too hard, because i am weak and only wanted numbness, darkness, thoughtlessness.

the thoughts and words and pictures and ideas dulled into the ordinary. everything has the same release that nothing does. how exhausting, when i only need a little bit of release. i have dulled myself into oblivion while looking for adrenaline. and now it looks like i'm out of chances, because i gave up. because i am so weak.

It is a sickening feeling when you think back to a different time, maybe a fuller time and the people you loved, who are gone with the wind into each other, without you even though you loved them, too. You had to start over and you’re afraid your new beginnings aren’t quite as full but yet there is no comparison because it has separated into two different lifetimes. Yet you’re still lonely despite your beautiful new life, something is missing and maybe things could be more shiny... and you wonder what it would be if either your old life could end and disappear, or completely blend in with this new one so it can finally be whole. Yet you know it is whole, nothing is missing except hurt and confusion and lying and cruelty. Why would you want that in your new world? Why would you want a little more excitement, a little more wonder, a little more laughter, a little more connection... maybe if your old life had come to an end, your current life would not be so pointless and circuitous. Maybe some thing and some people connections would be more real and life would be more of a fantastic adventure. But there is no holding on to what is the past, there should be no idealization of the horrible things that happened to you, your life could be no different and maybe this is just as happy as you can be.

If i were to know the happenings of yesterday in their entirety
if i knew of everyone who feel in love, and each who fell out
if i knew of those who died, lived, and began again
if i were to know of each new leaf and each form of condensation
the path of every bird, the thought of every dog and the feelings of everyone and every living thing
if i knew the the feelings, the happenings of yesterday
maybe i would know more about today.

When memories fade into the darkness, the one that sits at the edge of your eyeballs, and clearness becomes the most filled with unclarity
you are not allowed to remember because your foggy, mushy brain is stuck on REPEAT
  And the checkups, tuneups, improvements and replacements of your daily life only lead you to be irreparably shattered
  The measly repair is only a grim patched quilt of an unlucky (and unloved) being
   To ease the muddy water that keeps you stuck you must LISTEN TO SEE

(That touching is feeding and you need to be full.)

Do not listen to the useless urges that may be thrown your way by the trickster in your hair
He is only there to make you worse

it seems to me
to be an unforseen
elusive imaginer of
light
and love -
never to be captured
but forever hunted

they'd like to make it clear,
to you
to i,
to us,
that any angst in
the chase for definition
is futile
and marks the heart of a
senile man

for everything as it should be
and may be
and could be

life i begin to grasp
as i start to laugh
slip through the misunderstood
tumultuous waves in your belly
life i begin to grasp
my mind i let go
one or the other
never both

There is something here that I want to say
and once again, it’s all about me, it’s all in my head.

Those unspoken currents in the air,
the branches that tear the existence of today
to swirl reality together with the past.

The weight of more than a bear,
colors mixed past despair,
the futile attempts that can’t ever cease.

Significance beyond your grasp or my own,
desperate aches to enter into the other.

How do you reach a conclusion when there is no ending to be found?

i began to grow but then,
how do i say
"                 "                    
and yet it is hidden behind
what you may find
to be your truth
even after the adamant suggest
to the otherwise

and to you, to be
might utterly convince me
unless my own falsity continues to disease my visibility

so what is it, we are back again
this time is too deafening for any type of comprehending

i'm tired, go away
leave me to my endless wait

/ i panicked and it all turned quick / i think my heads gonna blow right of my *** / in a spaceship / going much too fast / look / you see / my steaming feet / oh god / oh boy / here we go again /

i swear to God, there is a piece there somewhere that is missing and has been for all of time. but only when the wind stirs and i begin to ruminate on the answer of what it might be, where it might have gone or even where it came from, does the overwhelming body swirl of pain and sorrow take me over completely. all else otherwise is just a slightly discomforting numbness. (the secret to the madness is all in that there numbness, the numb dumb game to play.) :(

within a state of unknowing
we're trapped!
reality is an illusion, caught and taken away in another deep slumber
continuous, relentless feelings of fear, regret, shame, memories, future
the time to relax has caught the black death
anger.
all alone.
nothing you can control because it's all in your head

what i'm saying is:
look to the moment where your mind is the weakest, your thoughts the most rampant, and THERE some unidentifiable type of evil has taken root
causing pure confusion
and a disconnect
that squeezes all clarity from your brain until ALL is murky
goodnight

it's clear to me that this thing inside is *****, rotten and grotesque
yet it's full to the brim and it will remain the truth

if everything is wrong and completely incorrect
how can i assume these thoughts?

letting the contradictory thinking flings rabble through your brain,
reality is no longer fixed, yet skewed
as the body and mind hurtles chaotically through it

sometimes they just need a friend

my resources are exhausted, tried, through and through, rejected when least expected yet pushing forward, ignoring the negative tendencies that lurk in every corner, numb and naively willing to run forward

non-coherence, can't you see?

no one can see
(except me, except therein lies the all-knowing power i have built myself up to be. except can't i know one little thing that no one else will see? or is it just ignorance and fate, tying their cruel knot?)

i wish you would see
(i believed, i thought, i understood it differently)
i wish you would see
i wish you could see
(only me)

words can only convey limited meaning
and to have them understood is a rare occurrence
circuitous thoughts, in the end mean nothing
yet the spew comes forward and it will not stop
hopefully, endlessly, trying it's best

It's been convinced that It's creativity needs a boost, some assistance to bring it closer to home. What We're trying to vocalize to It is simple and not very twisted, yet the transparency of thoughts became clouded at some point during the transmission through those waves. The Decree that We need to show It, the Decree of Truth and Art is only VERY SIMPLE! All of the skills that would enable It to Get It are present, uncomplicated and really real. Believe Us, blanketing It's foggy mind are all of the answers. That's the ticket, It!

where am i in the universe today?
i've lost track
now only
the name of the game is sitting in my brain

i have a secret to tell you, behind the reinforced retaining wall you'll find what i am trying to say, my secret is there hiding away, i can't say the words out loud and i can not admit to my own deficiencies, but my secret says it all, please break in and find me out, you'll be disappointed and not surprised, i need you to know this thing about me, i need everyone to realize my giant falsity, behind the reinforced retaining wall is my biggest secret of all, you might laugh at the irony, you might laugh at the truth if you ever find out, behind the reinforced retaining wall you'll find

you make me buzz baby
i want you to know
that i'm no longer in control
it's all moving within itself
buzz, baby, you make me buzz
i want you to know
everywhere and all throughout
reality is threatening to crash down around me
but it's okay, i don't mind
here is where i am now
i am here right now
and i'm abuzz, baby
i just wanted you to know

scraped tongue burning thumb everything's gonna be alright

there's a cloud in there
taking up all the air
it produces the fog that you like to see
but when it tickles your eye,
rubs against your brain,
the overbearing numb will settle within all your crevices.
it's all gone, everything that creates
all those tools, those thoughts, those ideas
were unknowingly crushed by the fog that you summoned
all on your own

an entrail, caught
on the jagged edges of time
goodbye

an observer, viewer, purveyor watching your every move
she's the self-proclaimed overlord, claiming secrets and lies
shooting philosophies and judgements into the dark
wielding words as wisdom with very little presence or actual knowledge
an incredible surge of passion that is constantly misplaced
lost within her own head and her own version of reality
pretending to be a master of time, when time is only a concept
full of fickle, non importance, full of everything within all of space
a pathetic attempt to get words to express feelings
trying to hide the pride, the snide, the hypocrisy
a self destructive human being pretending to be more
a core of karuna, purely and simply
full of false bravado and empty promises
a not very smart lady, gaining stupidity and blank memories
losing the past and floating into the future
forgetting the present as it goes
confused yet full of understanding
full of too many unexpressive, unknowable, unaware
girl
girl
girl
short brown hair, blue eyes, plain and uneven face, long legs, veiny feet, skinny wrists, straight teeth, wide nails, confused, sarah.

.

to slightly comprehend that time is an illusion
and i'm wondering...

confusing to think
yet needing understanding to have ideas
as strikingly as reality
but therein lies
an occasional growing emptiness

the lack of purity in the air
engulfs what was left of sanity and reason
the human experience
tearing apart the good
stealing the worth within us all

it is everywhere and you cannot escape it
even if you tried, even if you noticed


12/2/2014

between the pages lie the answers to our secrets
why they are in the form of questioning i am unaware
but for now, the water has smoothed everything over
content yet exciting, the malice is gone, the present is finally bearable
and even more than that
the future looks open

please excuse the cough,
it's the coal mine in my lungs,
digging up dirt and foul oils,
extracting all the priceless jewels

polluted, stained and scarred
by the trials of everyday

please, excuse the cough
i promise it's not contagious

wishful thinking that the sting would die out

but it keeps returning in acidic waves

at times when expectations are broken

and understanding is high

trying to let it loose

be free and



insecurity is befuddled

unclear decisions only become moldier

the goal is fuzzy

the fingertips that were burned together

are broken apart by the freeze



i want to close the doors completely

barricade them from the world

and rip them into shreds

to ensure no wandering minds

ever commit the crime again

i am not sure that i am capable of hating anyone. to do so seems pointless, and entirely unreachable. i don't know what the point of life is, if there is one, but it is not to hold burning hatred within yourself. even to those who do you wrong, to those who damage you more than you thought you could ever be damaged, how do you hate them? should you not just let them go, push them out of your head entirely? it is hard for me to hate anyone, yet it is so easy for everyone else. i do not hate you because i reserve those feelings for myself.

ruminating thoughts turn into thorns of gold
pushing around inside mushy brains
poking holes in the spots you need to be whole
but they are gold and precious
they just need some love

suddenly, everything switches
turns on its side into something you can not recognize
all that is left is a pile of dust and dirt
and a few scratched notes
full of lies and deceit

you have to learn everything new again
remember what it is like to be you
trust yourself and trust the good people

the evil forms that irreparably damaged you
will always be right behind
let them be close, but not too close

try to understand

truthful and real words

alone,
be happy
you must be
despite all the circumstances
live in the moment
focus on right now
if you don't, you fail
if you do, you fail
figure it out!

it's all convoluted
twisting and turning, making circles in hurting heads
but the truth is
i really cannot grasp a single thing
only excruciating pain
to cover emptiness and loss
i am moving forward, onward, backward
no one has any words or wisdom
stop thinking you are right
you are never right

i keep asking for something
looking for something
and i don't know where

i wish i knew something.

everyone has their own lives
when will the dullness get vibrant
when will the void gain meaning
will it ever?

and what will i do until then?
it is not okay.

two different world - are one
but we will show them in the sun

is there a world outside?

i'm going to break
i'm going to break
please don't
come and get me
everywhere
i am incapable of
please come and get me and take me away
she's gonna go crazy
no time
somewhere else
where i am comforted

i think i'm going numb
i can't feel the ripping
goodnight

the outlines are blurry
the space behind your eyeball is clogged
i want to change
the precipice of sanity
the void of insanity

time is passing at light speed
no time is passing at all

i'm spinning in circles
i'm going to fall over
where am i going?

where am i in the universe today?
your three worst fears will become realized all at once
all at once

sorry

i am turning into stone

I am not a responsible, fully functioning human today (anymore?). I am gripping at ledges with slick fingers and I just can not seem to stop crying. Everything is in your power, child, not mine. Please stop looking at me to guide you, I am definitely not the one for the job. Can you not see the tar on my stiffening face and the gray goop on my lungs?

i feel ancient and yellow

i looked at a man on a bus and was disgusted by his age

i decided then that i never want to feel old

the creak in your bones

the weight in your veins

the sag in your skin

the dullness in your eyes

you become dry, old, worn out

i feel ancient and yellow

i can feel my insides getting singed

turning brown, murky, vile

i will always let it in

i feel ancient and yellow

and weary, exhausted, empty

i feel as if

there is to be nothing

just waiting for the end

i feel ancient and yellow

i hate poetry
but i thrive within it
the jackassery
the relevancy of self
let me feel important for once
oops it is forgotten
that i am important all the time
but only to myself