i want to hug you the way,
winnie the pooh hugs the piglet

i logged into this app
thinking i knew exactly
what to write,

but i can't even explain
the horrible pain i'm in anymore

i sat there,
watching my blood
drip onto my hands,
and on the floor,
seeping through
the rug below me

i sat there,
emotionless,
numb,
and said
"it didn't even hurt"

but sadly,
that was a lie

i can still feel
the knife slicing my skin,
but i liked it

i depend on everything
i depend on people,
on drugs,
on alcohol
to simply numb the pain;
to keep it away

because the truth is too scary:
i don't want to be alive

it's unbearable,
the pain.
i've learned
that i cannot
control it

i cannot control
my need for everything
that makes me feel
nothing