Heed who grew up
              In a personally constructed Bubble.
Did not want to Deal.
               Mindless Matters.
At every
               Lonesome Turn.
There are Seekers
                               Such as
                                              You.
Who have etched a
                                  Similar Path.
Find those who
                            Function as
                                  You.
Create Together.
                              Burst the Bubble.
Before it is no longer
                                    Transparent.


**Dec 2, 2013

Suddenly I do not care.
     Yes, these feelings transcend distance and time
              But your actions prove scathing
                          This wall impenetrably done.
So those moments I'll tuck away
                                     Throw inside
                   Keep way at Bay.
You'll work towards an ultimate
                                                    Happ­iness
      That always clear,
                                     care about what is invested?
To you, just another
                                  Word Smith,
             Evidence rains, fight?
Tossed inside, called upon,
                                            Informed
      ­                      Kept near.
                                      Impossible not too.
Mirror reflects
                         my actions not wildly outside your own.
So you feel what I felt,
                   and maybe still do.
                                                             ­                       I knew it was possible.
Comfort is nothing,
                                  an illusion of safe bed.
Time carries forward.
                                  Forgotten, I have accepted.

**Oct 21, 2013

Control over more than words
                 Just want to be
         Something I'm not
                           But Everything I'm meant to Be.
Too Scared
                   Of?
                          Everything
Must Climb
                                  E.
                      ­         S
                            I
                        R
That unique soul is True.
                     Stop Hiding It.
Such Intimidation
                              Such Lack
           So Lost
Not searching to be
                                 Found.
Who would want to see?
         Brilliance there,
                                   Emotionally shadowed.
Soon light will reflect,
                                    Too dark to break free.
Must stop the creeping darkness
                                       Literally Crawl Through.
How to distinguish 'Right'?
         Wrong is easier to see,
                         easier to give up,
                                                    usually.
­Why is Right so hard?
              Always feel undeserved
          But You are Deserving
             Do not be scared
                  Just Try.


**July 24, 2013

Yes.
        You are the
Center of Your
                Universe.

Look Around and
         Realize the Constants.
                            The People,
                            The Situations,
                            Activities and
                            Passions.
Which Cause
                   Your Smile to
Shine so
                Brightly,
                               So Easily.
Then Decide to Keep Them.

Now,
          Take a
                       Step
   Back
To Realize all that
                You Want.

Thoughts course
                              Daily.
"I wish I could do This,
         Had Time for This,
Wish I could be This
                 Kind of Person. Or
Live This
                Kind of Life".

Well,
         My un-wilting Flower.
There is Nothing
                         To Stop You.
From Having Everything and More
           You Never Thought Possible.

The simple requirement is
                               The Decision to
    Work For.
Only Self
                Know True Desires.

Now,
         Surround Yourself with
                              Longing Hearts Priorities
Instead of
                Waiting...
To Find
             You.

You Are the
                                           Center Magnet.
You must Open Yourself
                     To be Able
To Attract
                  Such Yearnings.
Not closed off,
        Shrouded,
        Hidden.
  So Nothing
                      Can Feel your
Pull.



**June 23, 2014

Anxious, Excited, Nervous, Scared.
                       NERVOUS.

                                               WHY?

Like the way you make me feel?

About to jump into bottomless pit.
     Anxious, Excited, Nervous, Scared.
Don't want to jump.
                                   Carefully step off the ledge.

ALLOW.
           SPEAK UP.
ONLY WITH
                        LOFTY THOUGHT.
REMEMBER,
                    OLD LESSONS?
AS CHILDREN.
               LEARN NEW.
BECOME VENTRILOQUISTS.
                     ORIGINAL?
    SPEAK ONE,
                               ACT ANOTHER.
                   NOT NOTICED...
                                             YET.


**Nov 15, 2013

Burning hours you do not feel fit to see
                Accomplishing Nothing
Waiting to feel wanted
                                         While the world carries on.
You put yourself there.
                                           Do not be coy
Dance into false reason again.
                    This is True.
Proven time and again.
                 Does the soul not rise once active?
Work through the Burning
                                                Fear.
   ­     They are just as you,
Remember 'The Egg"
               Use Caution.
All are you,
                     parts of you.
Parts manifesting stronger,
                                                 different traits.
         Know who connects,
                                               who does not.
Must inject yourself in places
                                           Where interaction can take place.
           Stop Being Afraid.
                                     Where does the fear surge?
Where is it's destination,
                                             where does the current start?
There is no End Game.
                                  It is simply
                                                       Inhabilitating.


**Sept 16, 2013

I'm not tired,
But bed would be so easy.
Pass time,
                 Past time.
That moment...
                        Lost in time.
Take it back.
This pen declares Truth.
       Not action.
What produces action?
Motive,
             Goal,
                    ...Desire.
Nothing shall Be until I take back.
Waiting,
              Counting,
                          ­     Shaking,
                                              Distractin­g.
                        Fight for control.
Step up to the ledge,
Enough cautiously testing the water,
Leap in
              Head first.
As tension builds lose yourself in the moment.
                     Patient Potential.

I'm pretty sure this is over
             Only one fight
All we've ever had.
          No communication
                               Only yelling,
                                                      Co­ntrol
Fight to be heard.
                So you left.
                                   Walked away,
Turned around before all was done.
             What happens now when
                                         No other door seems to be open.
Does this end,
                       Do I take back?
Because you never gave me anything.
                                          I never asked for return.
I will not point fingers,
                                      or try to place blame.
This is simply a situation
                            That I'd rather not be in.
So when you are ready,
                                 Please do come around
I just hope some things are different.
                                     Not too lost to be found.
Yet if you come back,
                            and I feel an attack.
This is it,
               I am done.
                                  No Turning Back.



**July 15, 2013

Heed you Seekers of Solitude.
          Why do you long for distance?
                   Why do you feel you must return?
Each time you lock that door
Things get just a little bit worse,
                     A little bit louder.
There calls a time for action,
            Where things must be Done.
Instead of
                  Constantly Thinking,
                                                        Churning,
                          Boiling,
Then festering in the toxic pool of
                       Idleness.

P  O  T  E  N  T  I  A  L
        What is it?
       
        Individually created?
        Outwardly Encouraged?
        Fear personal Gain?
        Self-built Courage?
Individually Realized.
Outwardly Expressed.
Fear finally Not Hiding.
Self-built
                 Potential.

Be all that was
               Trapped.
                               Confined to Brain.
Internalized.
                       Suddenly Free.
Take up
              Knowledge.
    DO NOT
                      LOSE FIGHT
Laid to rest too often,
                                     Too Long.
These senses,
           desires,
           passions...
                              Dreamt forever.
Not behind...
                        Only employ different
                                                       ­         Skills.
Absolute Attention.
                                      
Mind
           Functions New
                             Honest,
                             Pure.
Content.


**Nov 22, 2013

Time is control.
        It controls us,
                               powers us,
Gives us reason to
                               Live.
Because all we have
                                 Are these Moments.
Create that Everlasting
                                   Memory.
To survive,
                   Leave a Legacy?
Something Bigger than Self.
                                                Forget It
                                                   Be It
                                                  Use It
Please,
             Leave a changing moment
                            Stay seated on the Bus.



**July 23, 2013

So many Thoughts.
     Put off for so long.
Need to
              Expel
Everything Quickly.
Need to feel
                       Peaceful
and more
                   as Self.
This sort of floating
          Energy
in my chest
      Needs to
Fill these pages.
           How to remember everything?
Attempt.

**Nov 15, 2013

Walk up to an
                         Empty Room.
Stand in the Doorway.
                   Witness the Silence.
Few deep,
                  Calming Breaths.
Move to the Center.
                                   Look at every
                                                           corner.
Imagine the Bodies,
                                  Spirits.
That have connected.
                                     Shared themselves.
See the shadows of
                                 Memory.
Feel the Energy,
             the Laughter,
                                    Anger,
                                                Joy,
                                                       Sadness.
Let yourself be
                           Open.
      Now.
                   Join in.
Become a memory.
                     An unforgiving
                                               Shadow.


**Dec 2, 2013

Difficult to break self,
                by yourself.
Always help...
                        People beating down.
Allowing destructive behaviour.
                     Not many shouting for you.
Though there are.
                       You have simply silenced them.
                                       Tuned Out.
A person can only take being
                                                   IGNORED
    For so long.
                         It may seem as though you have to
Struggle Alone...
                             You Do Not.
This first step is yours.
              Re-enter.
If they allow.
                       Receive help,
  But do not lean.
                   Everyone crashes.
Everyone needs added air beneath their
                            Wings.

**Nov 15, 2013

Prying into the heart of the unknown when you realize
Oportunities are endless if you create them.
Tedious work that results in glowing pride,
Endless discoveries if only interests would show.
Nothing seems to matter, nothing worth my
Time. Yet all this passion has to go some where, those words cannot be an
Illusion. There must be a purpose. I feel it
All around, this pull that I can 'do', like there is something more for me.
L**ingering desire to explain.

Do not want to assume
       But it consumes our daily lives.
How can we act or
                       Not act
Without some assumptions?
                Maybe we call them something else
To put our ill seeking minds at ease.
              Want to just do it
                                     Go for it.
                                          Conquer it
But paralyzingly fear the consequences
            Ultimately we are all just individuals
                                    Sorting
Through this Chaos we have created
                 How are we supposed to know what is Best?
Let yourself be you,
                            be in the situation,
                                                               do not analyze.
Because the thing is,
                       When are we not learning
                                     Who we are?
Simply just choose.
                                 Make an action.
   Just.  
             Decide.

**Oct 5, 2013

I Both Fear for you and Admire you.
                   Where the fear comes from
                               Not Known
Maybe Compassion,
                                  Human Love,
                                                          W­** cares.
                                                          ­   It's there.
You are strong,
                        cognitive,
                      ­                  brilliant,
                                    ­                  And know it.
Only use it to twisted advantage.
                                   If that's all you want,
                                                all you require
                       Then Fine.
I'm not here to Judge,
                                    point fingers,
                                                        ­    Instruct,
                           Control.
Just know that you can be More.
              Achieve the Greatest.
                    Make a Change
Be the strange Disease
                                   that heals instead of kills.
I can see it there,
                            In small,
                                           Subtle ways.
Did you Know you are Beautiful?
Did you Know you are Miraculous?
                   So much there,
                                            So much potential.
                         Just Use It.



**July 23, 2013

I am not anything you say I am.
Simply because you say I am.

Some words frighten me,
Shouldn’t be used for me,
Don’t involve me.

They are things I will always search for in others,
Things I find so easily in others.
                                         Not in myself.
They do not exist.
Though maybe I wish they did.
I am small,
protected and
                             unprotected.
Build up so many walls,
So many towers.

These towers come with guards.
These guards,
expert marksmen.
Half the time I feel lost and confused,
Searching for meaning and understanding….
                                                                                          Not searching at all.
Things just get more confusing,
Things pile on before others get resolved.

Always felt like I was doing what I was told.
Left home,
                     Found different.
                               Grew.

Now I must go back.
Take time off, but really turn time on.
This is not something meant to affect other people,
Though I’m telling myself it will.
This is something absolutely for me.

So maybe these guards, towers, walls will be removed,
Maybe I’ll find meaning, understanding, direction..
Maybe I’ll see in myself those things seen so easily in others.
Those things I’ve been told…
And so quickly, readily, easily
                                                                                                                                                Denied.
I want to find them.

So I will go where ever this search takes me
And I hope some of you tag along.
But just because you’re not, doesn’t mean I’m not
Going.

Interesting.
                    Such a simple prompt.
Yet such an important question.

     Today.
I am Happy.
     An odd mix of
Simple Nothings...
                                 Yet.
  Longing For More.
                      Organizing Goals.
Finally So.
                   Few kept this Soul
                                          Around.
Now the sound
                           Gorgeously Echoes my Soul.
  I Reverberate.
                  Wonder what will Happen.
Yet still scared.
                     Won't Go Searching.
   Sit Alone.
            But for the First Time
can Stand Taller.
                     Wake Earlier.
Fighting for Something.
              
            "Education" may differ.
Not been Told, Encouraged, Supported.
    To Succeed.
                 Confidence often Falters.

Today.
             I can say I have come an
                       Incredibly long
                                                  Way.
Fought through a
                               lot
             Changed
                             a
                                lot
Gave up
               a
                  lot.
Today I can say
               There is More to travel.
I do not know what the
                     Future Holds.
Today,
            I see my Actions
Design it.

Less things seem so
                       Important.
More things seem to
                       Matter.

Tomorrow...
   I Can Wake.


**May 15, 2014

Should admit quiet confession?
              So tired of being a slave
To a structure
                        I Fabricated
To You
To You
         To an Idea.
Just leave it to
                        Ferment.

**Aug 26, 2013

Clearly it's not known
                  Otherwise this turmoil would have been avoided.
The Power to Entice,
                       Intrigue,
                  To Better,
                  To Breathe.
The striking power of a helpless soul
                    With so much strength
She crashes down.
                  Into a place never thought Real.
Only growth is required
                                   To possess what you desire.
The strength is there,
                                waiting to be used.
Bottled up,
                  building pressure.
                                 Concentrate the inferno
Go where you want,
                                let nothing
                                  Interfere.

Mind and Heart have switched places.
          The Heart will always cherish you,
                                    Keep you near
               Because you unconsciously provide less fear.
    The Mind knows this impossible,
                                           Absolutely no worth.
So this 10% beginning to fade
As maybe the rest already has.
                            Just a tiny glimmer of light
                                Never a reason to shine bright.
So back to waiting,
                                it never ends.
This time will be easy...
                                       I won't feel every second.

It just feels so clear to me
                   So painful that you don't see
To paint a beautiful word-filled picture
                 Would be a waste
                   And absolute blister,
On the side of your life
                                     too many complications
I won't add more,
                              said mostly all my thoughts.
It's time to make the bed,
             Let go of the Tokens
                                  Simple Memories.
Pains the heart as meanings change
             But there was never anything for you
                                     Anyway.


**July 15, 2013

How can you speak so Loud,
                                   so Long,
And say nothing?
        Listening is Polite.
You could speak for days and not
             Change my Life.


**Nov 10, 2013

Even when you're silent I can still hear your rings.
You think you can hide in the corner of a room,
But light shines from you.
                                            You are endless inspiration.
But my mind goes blank,
                                          I can't control it.
But my nerves soar,
                                          I can't control it.
I have trouble swallowing,
                                          I can't control it.
Focus on breathing,
                                          I can't control it.

My head says give up, but my heart just keeps fighting.
                                        Fighting for control.
As much as I desire,
                                maybe a step back is required.
     But my feelings for you?
I'm sorry,
                                         I can't control it.

INTERACT*                                                       ­                           CLARITY
                          ­                                        
  
                 Passed This;                                                            ­          Will happen once
                                     There...                                                         ­ Everyone gives in,
        All that is Hate.                                                            ­              and lets go.
                                    Gone.                    ­                                          So many unneeded things.
      Not possible                                                         ­                         Purely Want.
They,                                                      ­                                             Let go of the
           maybe We                                                               ­                  Manufactured Desire.
                Past This?





*June, 25 2013

I may be afraid to write
but only because I don't want it to be about you...
My heart already knows you're always on my mind,
My mind has already accepted it.
      I'm just waiting to not feel,
Hoping something could. will happen.
             But just waiting not to feel.
Sadly like all the others faded away.
But this is different?
                                 I don't know you'll stay around.
But I hope you will.
                                 I want you too.
Fact is. You're unreal.
            That's not going to change.
If you Vanish,
                       how will I know you were ever real?


**May 9, 2013

Sometimes when you think it's not enough,
                                             It's more.

These shallow waters run deep
                                           away from eternity.
I cannot hold that long...
            
            Oh please won't you try?
We don't have to go far.
                                       Just till you get scared.
And maybe a few steps more.
                             I'll be by your side
                             To hold if fear there.
Don't worry
                     I won't tell...
This moment
                    Of weakness
                                          Doesn't count
Never seen
Never heard.
                     But I'm still here
                                         A secret garden...

Yet,
        If not tended,
                             mended,
                                            appreciated
 ­                  Eye will over grow
Become too much
                            For both
                                           Just try.
                            For sanity.
                                             Say you've been there
                             For Real.


                                                         ­                                                                                               .                 **June 19, 2013

Sometimes Emotion go
                                      Into the
            External Bound.
                                         It Matters,
                        Not Matters.
Because it is not yet time to heal,
                                             feel,
                                            Be Real.
If it rolls back...
                          Explore what is there.
Do not let another Moment pass.
A 'thing' that is not real because it is in
                                          Your Imagination.
Lies in the Abstract.
             You change each plot,
                    Beginning,
                    Middle, and
                        End.
Leaving careful detail in those small
                   Tender Touches
All Mind,
                Soul,
                         Body.
That leave Impressions...
                                         But are
                                                      Not Real.
Go out,
             Seek discomfort
                                Contort it,
                                Use the Imbalance,
                                 And Brace for Confusion.
Always better to Know then lie Awake

                                               Wondering.

So the token was found
It's here and now.
Find comfort in the physical.
Something to hold.
It's real.
The texture, the feel
And I Know it was real.
It was not just a beautiful dream.
It was Beautiful life.
I with the power held was known.
If not for me, then just to know it possible.
That you could have the everlasting
If you believe in it.
If you want it.
I don't know why I am here
Or why our paths seemed to magically cross.
Fate, destiny? "Meant to be"
If we just wait, things will turn out exactly as they are supposed to be.
That's just it.
This giant waiting game with almost nothing to keep me holding on
But here I am.
This grip is strong.
I could not let go even if I wanted.
So I'm 10% waiting.
90% there.


                                                                                                               **July 6, 2013

My soul feels full.
                             So much waiting to burst forth,
My mind the only block,
                                        Simply not allowing to write.
So now I sit here with these charged thoughts
This Chaos of words waiting to be
                                                          Organi­zed.
Most of them revolve around the same thing
              Those I have been trying to suppress.
But before my soul can properly divulge into the rest of the
                                  Chaos
Those words must be filled.
The empty potential on the page given life.
                 Because my heart remains with that 10%.
So give me reason to shed it
                                          to move my heart forwards.
Tell me you felt nothing.
                                       Tell me you're not intrigued.
Tell me you're not interested.
                             Then my heart can move forward with sorrow...
                   But Forward and On it shall
                               Go.


**May 28, 2013

I've all these Tokens...
        Tangible
                       and not.
That remind me of you
         When I think of you
          Because of you
              All of You.
                                   That Random Smile...
                                                                         Yours.
So when I lose that one
                 There was anger,
                                              frustration,
                                Sadness.
                                  Lost.
Yet there is still the memory
               of where we were
                    what we did
         And maybe you still have yours...
That would cause my heart to soar
        Because maybe you care
                     Maybe it meant something.
So Yes;
             I'm still on the hook
               Whether wanted or not

It's still the cat.

                            So I cannot let go
                                                         Not Yet.
Still holding onto that 10% hope
                    Until something forces it gone.





**July 5, 2013

Time is not a
      *luxury



TIME is
         NOT
                                                         ­                 All this time,
                                                           ­        have we always had
                                                             ­         it, or are we just
                                                            ­           conscious of it?
                                                             ­         days and nights,
                                                                ­      moons and suns,
                                                                ­       always passing,
                                                        ­            have always passed.
                                                         ­      What did those people do?
                                                            B­efore things were so calculated,
                                                    y­ear, month, day, hour, minute, second.
                                                         ­     Form of communication...
                                                ­                         Necessary?
                                                      ­          Mother of invention.
                                                      ­               Time is living,
                                                         ­  Nothing can exist without it
                                                        Becaus­e then nothing would pass,
                                                        you­r heart could not beat because
                                                        T­hat would be a measure of time.
                                                           ­ Transport to higher being?
                                                   Become something other than human?
                                                          ­       Higher Intelligence?
                                                   So how do we become outside of this?
                                                    Outside­ of this incessant counting...
                                                     ­         Where one can Truly
                                                           ­                  Be.


*June, 25, 2013

Can you have all that you desire?
               Actually Everything?
Many paths cross,
                           Every Single Day.
New faces added to your
                                              collection for Dreams.
Some align a little longer
                                             Than others.
Some not even aware they've crossed.
          If some seem to be drifting
                Do you hold any control in that current?
Can anyone alter the winds to pull back and
                                Remain?


**Aug 27, 2013

Words
Power
Action.
Late.
Torn
Weeks.
Nothing,
Faded.
Arms
Part.
­Hurt.
Point?
Fun.
See
Ache
Going,
Remain.
Keep
Future.

How to come back to Truth
         When already lost,
         When already demolished,
                                                    I'll try not to
                                                         Lie
So many
               'omnipotent'
Things.
               Are you
                              One?
of Many?
                Absolutely.
Do not question.
                             Just Be.
As dual.
              Live with wondrous conviction
So That,
               You do not Know
                                  Time.
Yet,
        Have complete control of
                                   It.
Use the Brain.
                        Not take time off.
This is with everything,
                                        You Are Entire
                                              Being.

Round and round we go
Don't know where is home
           What is home?
What is
What is
So many questions
So many things to discover
What will happen
Where will I go

So many things to tackle
No idea what will happen
What to say
What to try
         Possible to know?

Where are all these words coming from?
Where do all these thoughts originate
Why does it seem like I can't write about anything else


**Written sometime... Discovered April 28, 2013

Alright, so I’m coming home.
But I don’t really know what that is anymore,
And now even the physical appearance isn’t the same.
We’re all home, full house.
How is this going to work? What are we going to do?
Going to a place where my heart is not and cannot be at peace is something that I can no longer handle, and something that I will not force myself to endure again.
So what will happen if this again turns into turmoil?
What if it has not changed?
What if we keep sweeping things under the rug?
I keep tripping over mine.
Stumbling every time I enter, feeling constrained.
So what will I do if nothing has changed?
Where will I go? Where can I go?
There seems to be no other option than to move forward,
Change how we work.
Change.

As you dance between two realities,
Which is real,
                        Which is not?
         Kiss the cat.

Love time.
                  Want things
         little left
Lost soul pain
                              Smile new.
Inside
               Fall
                         Maybe home?
Old tears
                Leave thoughts
    Dream true
                               Stop Fear Forever.