The quiet was nice before
But now it's starting to irk me.

It echoes with everything I've been avoiding,
this sinister road on the highway to everywhere.
Instead of no where.

At least no where I would be lost..
Infinite space, time and control.

Contradiction?
                         No.
Stuck in the void means there are no expectations.
Trapped in endless space with only your mind to fill it.
No outside voices, nothing telling you how you should be.

People empower you, want certain things for you, raise you on a pedestal
...You're not even sure you can keep up, to fulfill their desires for you.

But you say nothing...
                                      Keep quiet...
                                                             Float to the background.
As you have skillfully done for years.

Take the situation and control it, own it, make it yours.
Force it to produce the outcome that you, only you wish to see.

Recognize that you desire and work to acquire.
Life is too short to make every body happy, but,
Too long to live alone.

I have been avoiding this for a long time.
Simply because I know how hard this will be.
Trying to find the right words is an impossible task
Every time I try to confront these overwhelming, hidden emotions my universe implodes.
Suddenly everything becomes meaningless.

                                                                 Void of light,
                                                                 Void of sound,
                                                                And void of emotion.

The only thing that is left is me.
                                                               Just that a ‘thing’.      

Lost in everything where there is nothing to be found.
I try to force my way through this haze of confusion,
This inability to understand my own emotions.
This inability to let myself feel.
This ability to bottle everything up, and
This ability to stray so far from home with no trail leading back…
                                                                                                                                My tears are my only guide.
Full of everything that I have felt and have not let myself feel.
In them lay a world of understanding and clarity that will constantly be out of reach,
For we cannot read our tears.
They are tiny messengers with no message to deliver,
Even if we could read them, there would be nothing to see.
Always left to our own devices, our own thoughts, on your ‘own’.
In the midst of loneliness we must remember we are not alone.
The world is crawling with billions of people,
Chances are someone is willing to listen, because
                                                                               We cannot read our tears.

I just need one simple touch
It doesn’t even have to be much

Something to know that people still care
Something to prove humanity still there.

Is there anything that separates us from animals anymore?
Is compassion becoming a chore?

I think before I act and act before I think but both seem to land me in trouble.
Tension hovering at the surface always.
Float above
                         as if no harm can come.
Tempers soar,
Voices raise,
Tension increases.
                                                                                                                                                     Times goes on,
                                                                                                                                                     Memory fades,
                                                                                                                                    Moments never forgotten.
                                                               Always at the surface.
Things have been falling apart.
It needs to be said.
It needs to become real, true, manifested deep within our conscious.
It needs to be fixed, it needs to be solved. None of us can handle it.  
It is never too late.
But it is time to get started.

False words pass through once
                                                  Smooth lips.
Tongue wags in duality.
                                         Knowing easy lies.
                                                           ­     Able to deceive.
                  Beware.
Brain knows should not be speaking,
                                             planning,
                                             acting.
Yet jaw moves freely.
                                  Icing over any worries
                Before a spark can fly.
Once you start creating false instances,
                                      Omitting key facts,
Or simply avoiding the ones
                                        You most care for
and Love you most.
                                  Then something has gone astray.
Do not avoid this.
                           Stop making excuses.
           You have been Lying.

**Oct 22, 2013

How could you Think,
                           Believe,
                           Dream,
That you do not
                            Matter?
It is
       All
You are made of.
             Reversion of Nature
Causing
               Pluralities
Where none of us are
                                      'Enough'.
             ­                                                               Wh­ere do these stipulations come from?
                                                           ­                 What 'is' Enough?
                                                         ­                   What is Ethnicity?
                                                      ­                      What about the Asian woman with a
                                                               ­                                   Jamaican Accent?
                                                         ­                    Born and Raised.
                                                         ­                        How is she Stereotyped?
                                                    ­                                      Why this need to Classify?
                                                       ­                                                   Sort?
        ­                                                                 ­               De-fine.
                                   STOP.
You.
         Were born.
                              Enough.
Choose what your
                                 Ears are Privy too.
It is Known.
                      Who you Are.
Why Hide?
Why Change?
                          Do Not
                                        Blindly Follow.
Turn Around.
                          Give your
                                              Soul
         ­                           F  L  I  G  H  T.
A beaming
                     Shadow.
            Not soon
                             Forgotten.
Matter is
                    Nothing
Until Observed.
                               Observe Self First.
Decide the Definition of
                                           'You Matter'.
Do not
              Cower.
                            Express...
A­ll have
               Reasons.
You.
          Were Not.
An
       Accident.


**Dec 2, 2013

Who are we trying to impress?

               IMPRESS YOURSELF!

Why always come back to appearance?

                 SIGHT, FIRST.

Soiled communication?
                  Become so fearful
                                     so irritating
                                         so time consuming
                                             so
     out
                              of
                            ­                     the
       way.
All have been planted.
                                        Roots deep.
                   As trees.
No choice.
                    Just break through
       Wherever the seed falls
Fighting to
                    Thrive.

**Sept 26, 2013

RELATIONSHIP
                                Put load,
                                                  too much trust?
Not enough.
Let more people in,
                Too much, too soon?
Talk during emotion,
                                       not ignore, put off, bottle up.
Let people help.
                                 TRUST.
Initial Reactions?
                                Need for people to know ME
Understand?
             Want open.
                                    Not ready.
                           Can't trust.
People throw away,
                                     turn away,
                                                          walk away,
                                   Easily?
Easy to look up to people,
                                                   don't stretch your neck so readily.
Currently happy
                               even though everything may not be as I want.
So light, so free,
                              Walking steady
                              Where I want.
Get to know deeply,
                                      let what happens, happen.
                             Don't worry.
Accept flaws as I see
            Work to accept?
Bad brutally honest?
                             Don't want to work,
                             Shouldn't have to work so hard
But I can't let go,
                              not easy.
                                               You've made your way in.
Not being with you a distinct possibility,
Yet I still hope we can remain together on some level.

Despite what happens,
                                          I am happy.
And I will continue to make choices that ensure my
                                          Happiness.

Blatant Mockery,
                                Don't pass me by.

Cruel objectivity.
                                                Did you give me a chance?
                                                Why was I written off?
Was I noticeably different or did I put myself in those situations because as much as I tried faking everyone else's idea of 'Normal' became exhausting.
                  So That doesn't matter anymore
I will never forget,
                                    taught me so many lessons.
Yet your own inadequacies keep piling up in front of me.
                 Nothing wrong with looking up to people...
Just ensure they're actually worth raising your neck.
                    This is not hate, revenge, or rejection.
This is to acknowledge the fact that you once helped me feel alone, lost, unloved, unworthy, unintelligible, broken.
Like every day a little bit of my heart would dissolve until eventually... nothing left.
I stopped existing.
                   This is to say I forgive you, but I have not forgotten.
                                    Nor will I.
My existence has been jumpstarted.
             Find myself in the middle of everything.
Good people keep happening
                                   Restore Faith
                                   Being Filled
                                No longer alone
                                No longer empty.
Things begin to flow when you don't worry.
Keep busy, distract your mind,
                                                         busy adds to worry.
Delicate.
                 Balance.
So I've moved on.
No dark shadow,
No more living a vague version of My Truth.
No more outside control.
                                           So these walls are coming down,
                                           My eyes burn from the sun,
                                           My jaw aches from this endless smile
                                                    It's getting easier.
                                                       I am Me.

Such an odd and incredulous thing
When you choose to give up your humanity
Your personhood
Your heartbeat
The rise and fall of your chest
As your lungs take in
This constantly polluted air.

The exhaust from humanity
The perishable efforts
Are none.

How many of us have already given up
The face of hope
The walk of life
Yet continue to flop across the earth
As a fish out of water,
A proper environment
Dug out and exposed,
Chopped down and rolled over,
Creating this
New World
Where the words ‘take what you need’
Are never uttered.

Where the concept of helping those in need
Does not involve you
Unless directly connected.
Even then it is seen as an obligation,
Not just a reaction,
A simple kindness when you have
Extra.

When did this die?
           When can I die?

So this choice to physically leave,
Finally be rid of this disaster we have come to call life
And Government
And Responsibility
And Religion,
And Teaching…

All of it fabricated by faulty,
Hardly even there
Morals.
Designed to keep in check,
To placate,
To keep distracted as you believe you are
Being ****** dry…

Well you are,
We all are.
Yet
Here, with this ability to communicate
I am better off.

There are so many people in the world
Waiting for the bandage to be ripped off,
Enduring those moments of
Eye watering pain
So that the wound may find air,
May find healing breath and
Action to make as
One.

There is more than enough for everyone to be
Happy and
Well taken care of.
So that not another soul feels lonely,
Another belly goes malnourished.
Enough so that every person will never have to worry
About sustenance again.

What would this world order look like?

It could be filled with innovation
And design
And the hopefully True Nature
Of Humanity to thrive
Together,
To build on each others successes.
Instead of this endless jealousy,
This backwards mentality that we are on this earth
Alone.

That we are all meant to sacrifice each other to be
The last one standing.
Well if that just happens to be you…
Then what?

What happens now?


When you think you have everything you need
Except that saving voice,
That soulful touch,
That incredulous connection to another.

Where did it go?
It has been demolished,
On the wrecking site for years.

I do not want to wait for that time,
When things implode.
It is already bad enough,
I cannot walk through this
Fake and tired path
Anymore.

We are animals locked in conditions to
Mimik our true atmosphere...
When those barriers crash down,
Coughing up the dust and misery
You will be left with
Absolutely no understanding of the Earth.

Introduced to the earth,
Humanity would
Perish.

I am already alone,
Just let me go,
Though pleading useless,
As simply no one
Is Listening.


**Sept 29, 2013

I wish I may, I wish I might,
On this star I see tonight,
Take these words as they are
Know that I am not far.

There are certain things that I will not forget,
That night in the hall, missed moment I do regret.

"Could've kissed her" they said,
And even though it's all you were thinking,
All you wanted inside that single moment.
You did not do it,
No explanation why.

Disturbed you can't remember
                Just a few fleeting seconds
                          Half recalled memories.
Smile to myself when I think it happened,
Kick myself for no existential proof.

Is there a connection?
Was it instant?
Does it matter?
Do you feel it?

I wish I may, I wish I might,
On this star I see tonight.
Take these words as they are,
Know that I am not far.

Each time my heart races, and keeping still only a faint idea
Restless body,
Restless mind,
Restless soul.

Put pen to paper and things become real,
But these words of mind you do steal.

Explaining how I feel for you would be no simpler a task
Then describing the taste of water.
                                                   Maybe I like it that way
Something I cannot describe,
Something I cannot put into words.

I accept a humble defeat into your hopefully open arms,
Adding more confusion to the exciting mess I already have trouble making sense of.

Even after the first few times we met,
I saw each new day with a brand new conviction for the beauty they bring.

You've already changed so much, by doing so little.
All I ask is a little time to discover each other.
So;

I wish I may, I wish I might
On this star I see tonight
...Kiss Me.

So many conflicting thoughts,
As time ticks on the clock.
     What to do,
                        Where to go?
      Time ticks on the clock.

So many shocked ideas,
So Hard to find the Truth.

     Time ticks on the clock
             What to do,
                                Where to go,
      Time to find the Truth?
       Settle down,
                           Find 'Home Ground'
                Create the Standard Life?

So many hard times fought
That impact carries on,
       Time ticks on the clock.

Never been the standard
Don't know my good manners,
         So Hard to learn falsehoods...
       Time ticks on the clock.

You want to change the world?
Control conflicting thoughts.
                                Don't know Home,
                                Where I'll go?
       Time ticks on the clock.

Find a settle
                   or use the chaos
Control conflicting thoughts.
                       Create no standards,
                                                      ­   No good manners.
       Time ticks on the clock...




**May 9, 2013

In many instances my actions have been exactly
    as I've wished to receive.
             How could you expect more than what you are willing to give?
I cannot 'become' this.
                              I Am This.
This unconscious drive for all to be equal.
        What is wonderful is that is not where these actions or thoughts stem from.
Not the original purpose.
             That is just what would happen.
Almost chain reaction.
            Split second transferal of consciousness
  "Put yourself in their shoes"
Well...
             Sometimes they don't have shoes.
All this is meant to evoke is an emotional response...
           "What does this person need from me that is within my full power to give, to aid success, to ease the burden on their shoulders".
     It doesn't have to be much.
These actions rarely noticed.
                Though powerfully held,
   Radically Helpful.
Bound to ruin a day.
                                     Had you not acted.
                                        Had I not acted.
So,
      There.
                  You do have Agency.
Though rarely immediately for Self.
    When they are noticed it is extremely encouraging.
When reciprocated, mind stunningly shocked. -why?-

I want to become someone even more
    Aware of this awesome power,
                                                       To use it more forcibly,
         Controlled.
Find a larger forum.
                                 Promote positivity,
                                 Promote life,
                                               action,
           Finally treating others as you.
Not based on outward appearances
             But what my mind
and ever lofty
                      Spirit
Have to offer,
                       Are here to give.
Want nothing more than to share this
                       Simple way of living
Where it is impossible to be alone,
                             For someone to be forgotten.
To understand that friendship,
                             and family,
                             and Life
Are reciprocal.
           Sometimes you must offer before you receive.

I want to become someone who knows the difference.
      Never intentionally seeking harm.
Unavoidable when trying to attain
                     Everything in a made up world where
People in pictures are not real
               Digitally altered.
                                             No one looks like that.
Surgery the only way.
            So to get there,
                                       one must be as altered as the photo.
Acting in ways outside themselves to have
                 This. Fake. World.
   Stomping on others,
                                      Wildly avoiding most.
Crushing people everywhere to
                                    Build that sight
To have what is 'offered'.
         Has it progressed so far that the
idea of 'perfection'
                             is only gained under a knife,
                                                         through strife,
                                           Taking more than one life.

So without knowing,
                   This person has been becoming
an amazingly self-less, caring, empathetic
                            Human Being
with this forgotten knowledge that
       small actions, something that took minutes to complete,
may not have been so tiny.
                    You never know what you could inspire
   Or what would inspire you.
All you have to do is kindly offer
               The goodness of your soul,
Every skill you've honed.

Become someone that allows this to happen
      That brings memory back.
                                                   That Returns Happiness.

**Oct 14, 2013

Why does Pure
                           Silence.
Cause Human
                          Madness?
Extreme
               Discomfort?
Pack Animals
                 Of the most
                                       Ferocious
                                                        Variety.
The most dangerous
                                    Species
Known to this
                        Planet.
          Destructive.
                               Par None.
The
       Silence
                    So deafening...
Allows witness to this
                                     Disease.
Our selfish motives,
                                  Almost every action.
Is it the
             Silence?
  Or
         Is it being
                                                                                          Alone?
Which causes
                          Insanity.


**Dec 2, 2013

Everything Lost
                        Time to Perish
No effort
                No desire
Nothing left to find
                  Nothing left to carry forward
Not a Single
    Reason.
                   Wanted someone to care
A single entity to
                               Try.
And no one did.
                              
                                When thoughts go sour,
                                                           ­      bitter
                                                          ­       foul
                                                            ­     wretched
                                                                ­ All encompassing
Getting to the final moments
             Someone strange
                                             always seems to reach out.
How odd,
                   why does that happen?
Some ridiculous
                              Faux Pas
                                          To keep attached?

Shut up,
                Stop talking,
                                       No ones listening to you.
Sleep halts thoughts...
             Only bringing hours
                      For More
Struggling to leave the room
                                   leave your mind
Just a quietly
                        loud existence
That was never given a chance to echo.
        
                 Screams reverberate to own ears
Seeming to pass through
                                                or Around
Every Single Person
                                         Tried to connect with.
So this infinite Silence
                                           And Misery
Is already lived.
                                
                               Except that it should never be lived
A soul should not scream unto deaf ears.
Feeling more lonely than if  
                                                        Chos­en to be Invisible.
For then the cloak could be shaken off,
                                                            ­          Join fellow humanity.

Here it is peaking around corners,
                 hiding behind doors,  
                 changing pace and direction to avoid the crowds,
                 or follow the crowd because that is easier than cutting a
                                   True Path.

So the chest rises heavy,
                                           sinking further
Compacted.
                       As the heels of your feet stomp over this
Useless,
                 faintly beating heart...
Replacing it's ever faulty rhythm
                                                    With something steady.

**Sept 29, 2013

This Burning,
                      This Passion,
                                             This Fire,
                 This Pressure in my chest.
It Builds
              and Towers until this odd and almost
                                                          ­                  Unwelcome feeling presents itself.

I want to take it out,
Hold it in front of Me,
      That glowing orb.
I want to analyze it.
                                Peer inside.
Witness what it beholds.
Yet this is not a physical witness
Anyone can Attest too.
Nothing that can be held.
               Except me.
                                 It is Me.
                                                That is You.
Waiting to burst forth and be
                                                Freed.
Maybe that is why you can already feel it Me
                                                              ­         l
                                                               ­     t
                                                          ­gni
                                                    Away,
The­ Burning Pressure,
              Receding.
That undefined ache of your Soul.
               Finding Breath
Do not hide it in.

Mix of Excitement
                       And Fear
As you grow to let it
                                             Shine.

You will Feel Better,
                                 Empowered.
                    Confident and  
                                             Fine.

Take that Glowing Orb.
                                       Allow it to
           Light Others,
As you know you should,
                                           Have.
                                            Will
          ­                                  Can
                           ­                  Do.
                                          
In small.
             Growing ways.
Planted the Subtle Seed,
                                  waiting to receive
                                     Nourishment.

Being alone
                   Surmounts this feeling
Becomes Encompassing.
            No Escape,
                               All Fear.
Not knowing where it's coming from
                                            Or why it brings me Tears.
Do not like being stuck,
                                 Feeling Stuck Here.
It is always possible to Remove Yourself
In Fact,
             Several different ways.

Constantly remind self that
                                              Presence is Desired.
Have trouble feeling Welcome
                                     Hate Hiding in the Corner
Finding comfort in it's
                                      Cold,
                ­                                Tired Embrace.
Longing to Step Free.
                           Climbing the Confidence Ladder
                            Through the Maze of Hate,
                            Around the Thrashing Waters of
                                             Deceit.
Quietly,
              Heart Screaming,
Some will fall away.
                                 Evidence of False Need
                                                     False Friend
                                  Be wary of turning into Foe.
Scared to Lose,
Fear Gaining,
                             Not Living.




July 29, 2013
**Edited August 3, 2013

I Trust these words will present themselves
            Nervous though I may be
So many Political,
                             Religious,
                                            Societal,
­                          Problems.
Let Me Talk.
                      It will be eye opening.
      Presented in a new way.
Because what is prattled on about
                                            pretty useless
                       in the grand scheme of things.
My words will present a Reality.
                                                    If only you would listen.

My soul is unique,
                               cherish-able.
             I will help you become what is necessary
                                    For You.
Whether I know it or not.
                 That is my soul.
Because the little things are what people care about
                  Even if they don't consciously notice.
                               They smile.
                              Soul at ease.
I am a True Treasure
                                  that could do more than already managed.
Maybe I'm being conceded,
                                           Maybe I think more people should keep me around.

I want to make a change
               More direct than others.
So be somewhere with influence
         But start with the masses
Change comes from  people
                                            From those being effected.
We outnumber our suppressors
                        If only we could rally up.
If all goes well,
                        become the force that binds together
                                    unnoticed, yet
Noticed.

**May 28, 2013

Sometimes when I think too much my
brain just turns to mush.
But it still works
The neurons still firing
The blood still pumping
Still searching for the logical
                                               Illogical.

This is my release
                             how it pours forth.
Feelings were never allowed...
At least the feelings I had
                                           Have.
Not the feelings I was 'supposed' to have.
They were and are irrelevant because they are
                                                             ­              Not Yours.
What felt by me never accepted,
                             Never even allowed to say.
So Now.
               When I want to communicate my feelings
                          My desires
                          My Love
                                                 I cannot.
There is just below
                              Zero self worth.
How could there be any?
When were there moments where this
           Was good enough
                                            When I was more than expected?

These words
                    and painful concentration
are all I've ever had.
                  Validation of these words my only worth,
Yet I always feel they could be better...

Maybe it takes a while to Trust,
                            Maybe I Trust too easily
I always seem to feel scorned
             Thought I had one solid Friend
                    With which that did not happen
Nothing was a competition,
                                             everything was fair
                                              everything could share
Except not,
                   because I know you don't share all
                         And won't bare forth
                   So why am I expected to melt?
My being cast down by this constant light
               Burning my flesh,
                                               my spirit to the ground.
4, 5 feet,
              How many left to travel?

Then there is You.
                            I think of you...
in the back of my mind and these words
                                            Find Breath.
Everything breathes easier with you.
So I cherish those moments,
                    Those moments where maybe
I actually felt like Me.
                                  or who I want to Be.
So those Tokens remain important
                      As do You.
And my wish,
                      that I cause Smiles...
                      Small moments of bliss
                      As easily as you do for me...
I try so hard, yet it remains
                                              A wish.

When I walk,
                      I constantly kick the gravel
The weight of my head
                                     too much for my neck...
This piling dirt too heavy to withstand.
                     Confidence gone,
                                                  if ever actually there.
I assume that there is nothing
                 No future reference
                                      of
              ­                            Me.
These words my actual thoughts,
                One place I'm allowed to be Real.

Things change after moments
                                       which we cannot take back.
All I want is to feel appreciated
   To feel like I Matter
Life I make an influence,
                                       That I can Impact
That my presence does make a difference.
        All I want is to go back to how it was,
                                      Before actions turned things around
       As I knew they would.
                                             Which is why things stay Hidden.

Just accepted that No one will feel.

       But I want us to grow.
            Become better than what was.
You don't have to change your actions,
                                    That would be changing You.
I already love You.
                                Wouldn't want to change.

How do I learn to communicate verbally?
                   Without this pen as my
                                                          Stri­king Weapon.
How can I feel comfortable
                                  Saying my inner emotions?
Always vulnerability
                                 Always fear.
But with You
                     somewhere I Know
           You're Listening.
                                      So this paper version of Me
is given Breath.
                         Forced off the page and is Real.
How I wish that Power was Known.
        So here again left with these thoughts,
                             Always Searching
Not always relevant.
                      But if I could just ask a question...

What does your brain prattle on about?
                  When no one is talking,
                   When things are quiet,
                   When walking, driving,
                                                        ­ Being Alone?
What happens inside,
                                  Where does the mind run?
Because if someone has a way
                  To turn this off,
                  To preoccupy with something else
                   To make this Stop.
I urge you to share.
          Then again,
                               it must be boring in your mind...
Sometimes it leads to an adventure,
                                   An incredible concept
                                   A beautiful Thought.
   How many have you had?
Why must I be the one to change?
              Learn who I Am.
                        Who I am becoming.
Do not force ideals down my throat.
                            My opinion is strong,
                                        This often obvious.
Do not feed me lines
                                 and hurtful phrases when I know
You've done the same,
                                   done worse
         And Smile and the memories.

Recognize that I am a Person
              With strong,
                                        cognitive Thoughts.
Feeding me these lies
                                   and Tantrums
will send me the opposite way.
                There is no instructing
                            Guidance.
               ­                       Act of Love.
Simply commands.
                                 Follow orders.
When told not to push the red button
            Do you not desire to
                                              Only push the button?
Stop giving me reasons
                   But also know that a lot of this is
                                  For Me.
Not to make you mad,
                                    Or go against you purposely.
I want these things,
                                    Desire for many years.
It's unfortunate you do not approve,
                                             That it will disappoint
                                                 But it will Happen.

All that is left is this hell bending effort
              to say how I feel
Regardless of the outcome
                 Because I cannot live life
Without acting upon my
                                            Desires.





**July­ 11, 2013

When is
               "I could've done
                                           -Insert Dream Here-"
Too Late?
                  Is there something holding you back?
No.
        Really.
                    What chain are you secretly,
                                  possibly unknown to you
                      Burdens your shoulders?
Why do you bedraggle your hopes
                                                        Thr­ough the mud?
Beating them relentlessly
                                           Until solidly convinced they are
                                                           No More.
Because you
                    were never good enough anyways...
                             never could have done it.
Doesn't matter why.
                                  Any reason will work.
You.
          Do Not.
Need anyone else.
                             Feed yourself confidence.
Build from within.
                                Want to know how?
It is actually very simple.
              You know those Hopes?
Those
             or That
                             One thing
                                              You want So Much.
Pick it up.
Go Ahead.
                  Yes, You can have it.
The only thing is.
                             It tends to be hard work...
Many tedious hours.
                                   But the moon stays Full
                                        One Single Night.
It's whole perfection lasting fleeting minutes.
                        Yet back around it comes>
So will the
                  Pride
That fills your mind,
                        body,
                        soul,­
                                 This total complete bliss...
How is that not worth those hard
                                                        Sing­le hours?
It can't be
                 It's Not
                              Because all those hours are Fun.
Cherishing,
                    True,
Though struggled
                               They brought forth New.
A quiet new skill
                             known only to you
To bring Forth that Bliss
                          That single adventure sought by You.
Think Back.
                    Was it really just the one?


**Aug 24, 2013

Flow freely into the minds that hate
        Some things go wrong
How long must we wait?
        Until we all get along

Flow freely into the minds that hate
        Cannot make change without comprehension.
All this misfortune we still create,
        Causing harm, taking lives and misdirecting tension.

Flow freely into the minds that hate
         These false institutions keep the system 'balanced'
Using us all as free pawns and bait,
         Somehow ensuring each breath is silenced.

Flow freely into the minds that hate
        Take a step forward and scream for losses
Too many to count, all preventable, just the selfish human gait.
        Look around, open eyes wide shut, who are the real bosses?

Flow freely into the minds that hate.
        All this time spent reading, analyzing, just wasted away
Just a creative excuse, all it's done is placate
        Talk about humanity, pleading for 'other', yet in the system they fade today.

Flow freely into the minds that hate
        We're not playing with plastic, metal, or things intangible
Each person has life, agency and a Heart Beat to relate.
       Must halt before time runs out, before humanity becomes a true cannibal.

Flow freely into the minds that hate
        Cannot understand without delving within
Must step up, do anything to motivate
       Do not step back, embrace what is foreign

Flow freely into the minds that hate
        Must acknowledge; accept it has existence.
Ignorance is not Fate.
      Just hold on, one more push, all that is needed is constant persistence.

Flow freely into the minds that hate
        Flow freely into the minds that hate
                Flow freely into the minds that hate.

**Oct 2, 2013

My Heart can only Scream so Long
                                                          so­ Loud
Echoing with all I wish you would accept.
              Even forming these words grow tiresome.
They are read but not
                                      Alive.
                ­                      In Time...
                                                      The­y shall ring True
The rest will pour forth when finally
                                                         ­             Near
          I Hope to get that Chance
To add more proof,
                               evidence,
                                              Solidify your Reality.
But I cannot continue to care so Deep
           See so Strong...
Feel so Foolish
                         So grow into that hidden Strength
While I try to forget that glow,
                                                  glint,
  ­                                                         glitter...
                           Sparkle behind that Smile.
But I'm not gone...
      That collision of Space and Time.
                                Reverberating.


          ­                   Just tell me. When exactly do these ripples end?
Well you have control you see,
it is not the same as throwing a rock into the water and watching the ripples disappear.
This is more than just a simple stone tossed in a lake.
Yes,
those ripples move,
but they eventually fade.
We have choices, that maybe sort of false sought out Destiny.
But we decide, have that choice, that one, two, or three.
So this thing we have,
however small it may be,
is maybe one and or two holding onto this growing Tree
clinging to that whatever small heart string.
So maybe, just maybe, you will eventually
                       See.


**July 24, 2013

We've lost sight.
Lost sight of how easy it really is.
Lost sight of how magical and wondrous we really are.

This power, to speak these words...
to form thoughts into coherent communication,
Organizing all this Chaos.

We've all done it and I'm not going to stand here pretending I am perfect.
I am not.
It is so easy to come up with negative things, always putting people down,
Helping each other dig ourselves 6 feet under before our hearts even stop beating.

Each time words were twisted into hate,
                 you sat along while others made noises you only assumed were joy,
                 you cried yourself to sleep,
                 your only wish to not continue the day... and not to start a new one.
Each time a shovel full of dirt...
Each time the heart beats faint...
                                              
         ­                                              Softer,
                                                         ­            Quieter,
                                           Muffled.
until you can no longer see, hear, feel it. Gone.

               Such a strange place to be;
               You know you exist, you are here, breathing. "alive".
But you do not feel,
do not laugh,
do not smile,
do not feel anger, joy sad, longing, love...
You do not feel.
You do not.

                   There's not even a void, because a void insists something is missing, something needs to be replaced, something needs to be refilled and all shall return to normal.

That is not the way this works, it will never be the way this works.

There is nothing to fill,
                                       No Void.
Just the hallowed out shell of who you once were when you were happy, when you were yourself.
before everything told you it is not O.K to be who you are.
You emptied yourself, decided to start new, build yourself to 'welcome'.

But You could not find anything else worthwhile to put on your shelves.
To decorate your walls,
To fulfill or to satisfy.

So now we're just a shell...
Can't put anything back in because we've been told it's not allowed,
Not right,
Wrong.
And nothing new to put inside.

For years we wander blindly, searching for new things to fill ourselves with,
New morals, goals, ideals, an entire new way of life and thinking.
Only years later to discover we never should have abandoned those original beautiful thoughts.

Because maybe we're just ahead of our time,
This immense tool we have at our disposal; we Respect.
We choose our words and construct them so meaning is not lost or altered.
Do not speak unless it is with the
Air beneath my wings, and a birds song in my heart...

Because I want to recharge you, re-energize you, restore your faith in humanity, in my generation
I want to be the reason you cannot stop smiling that day,
But you cannot figure out why.

Small words and actions can carry the largest impact on a person's soul.
I've lived it.
Sometimes it was all that got me through.
The only reason to make it through the day.

It's not hard to be conscious, almost no effort required.
All you need is to want to be happy, positive...
Want others to smile and feel as you,
              
                 Others feel as you.

Then the negativity will cease to exist.

Attempt to be in control
                                             Create a script
                    Pull strings attached to hearts.
Do you do it?

                               I’ve been your puppet.
                            But this is not about me.

This is about the things beyond control.
You cannot account for free will.
Don’t create a plan,
                                     Or script,
                                                  No expectations.

Nothing to be tarnished.
No standards to be met.
                                Everything a blissful surprise.

The moon flies high,
The sun dips low
       The stars come out.
Dredging up this thing called Hope
                And spirits fall to empty
                                                        no where left to go.
When found to be within the state of Hope
                     Get Out.
A timid,
              frightening,
                               ­  joyful,
                                             soul-wrenching
place                    to                  be.
Cannot stop
Cannot control it.
                              Everything can be controlled
Because those words...
                      I know there were not meant for me
Those
            Last                                     someone else gets to make you happy... everyday.
                      Three
                          ­        Words.
     The message
      The Hope
The you want to be there
         Not here
         Not my arms.
                Hope is an empty void
Both uplifting and demolishing
                                                   At the same time.
Must be controlled.
                                 Is being controlled.
         You do not want me.
My heart has skipped many a beat for you.
               Time to get that steady rhythm back.
These will have no more titles
                          no more thoughts
                          Just Release.
I apologize for being that naive
                                  That much of a Joke
                                  For holding that much Hope.
You'll put that easy smile there
               with one extra just for you.
Put there oh so easily.
                                                                ­                        Love to see you shine.
               Sorry for being ignorant
               Sorry for playing the fool.
My heart holds onto much
Including the memory of you...
                                                   Someone will be lucky to just have You.
As more moments pass,
                                       this will likely be easier
As long as that smile...
                                       never parts from your face.


                                                         ­                                                 **June 12, 2013

Hear this heart beat faint
                                        beyond the extra mile?
All these thoughts
                              All these dreams
           Too much to reconcile?
Lost all purpose
                       No more reason to smile
Though told of greatness
               And extra brain fire
I feel no self worth
            And the reasons just pile

Had small moments of bliss
                                      Where worth just a glimmer
A fraction of time
                            Where worth,
In fact
             Did Shimmer.
It was not a focus on others
                                             Did not matter who I was
Do not like what you see
                                     Don't come back, please.

But I find myself wondering
                                            where the change did click in
Because I've felt this before
                                            A fight for no win.


Lost trust in my actions,
                                       my thoughts,
                                             judgement,
                                             morals,
Everything lost when you just cannot see.
            That I'm a real person
                                                Who is able to be.

This time passes slowly,
                                      Especially kept so near,
Treating me special,
                                Except not different at all.

How do you expect to grow,
                                               Go.
When never given a chance
                                  To just say No.

What was once said,
                                   now sounds so logical
I'm trying so hard
                             to not be biological.
but it feels like this path
                                      was already carved out in stone
so do not be shocked,
                                       scared or excited.
You built this path,
                                You should have known.

Try so hard,
                    to walk off this path.
Let me discover...
                          To use the lessons once taught.
One day I'll snap back
                                  Then shock is allowed
Because you won't see this coming
                                 This Strong Person
                                                          ­    This Soul
                        That I Am Becoming.


**July 15, 2013

What is on my mind?
Well take a look at what I write.
               These are what I choose to say.
What I understand.
                                Or think I understand
                                          For now.
For thoughts are always forming,
                                        growing,
       ­                                 evolving,
            CONSTANT

­Things need to change.
              Become different.
And not just with me.
           With you.
           With Others.
                                 With the World.
            With the way our souls connect.

You have no idea what is going on in a strangers life.
The least you can do is put
                                           a Smile on
                                      For them regardless
                                        of how you feel.

It does not matter what you say,
                            what you do.
As long as you make a kind gesture
To acknowledge an "Others" existence.

We do not need analysis,
Theories made up and 'proven'
Words over drawn and meanings miscarried.
Thoughts over done and
Spoken words misleading.

All we need is that reconnection
Reclaim what we once had.
               The Beauty of Everything
                    At our fingertips,
                     In our full grasp.
                  Lost.
                           But not gone.

While I say this,
I understand that I cannot know how
Things actually were way back when.

But look at the people right now,
Living in similar situations as those before us.

                        Yes.
                               They still exist.

They are Happy.
Though they have little.
Often none.

So where I am.
Where we are.
Is not where I'm supposed to be.
    Not where I can exist.
    Not where We can exist.

Where personal destruction found
Worldly disaster will soon follow

As we destroy ourselves,
Help each other dig those graves...
We are also destroying earth.

So how can we live,
     How can I stay alive

How to get there?
        This abysmal place where all is well.
These material things cannot follow
                They weigh down,
                        Provoke,
                Provide measurement.

There should be no scale.
Each moment should be one to share,
                                        one to learn,
                                        one to grow,
                                        one to offer.

The greatest gift you can give to others is to let them Experience You.

The greatest gift others can give to you is to let You Experience Them.

                                                               ­                                                   **June 7, 2013

This music reminds me to Pay Attention.
                        To Plan.
Greatness does not just
                                          Happen.
It takes many hours to
                                        Produce
       To your Satisfaction.
Find that
                 Rather
Put to the front of your mind and
                         Life.
That which you pour your Soul into
        That which you cannot abandon until
It meets your exact
                                  Specifications.
That is what you should be doing.
             Please,
                         Pick It Up.

**Nov 10, 2013

Maybe I'm just too childish to be Blind.
             Perhaps it is that simple,
This easy
                If only you would allow.
Just be Honest.

Maybe I'm just too Childish to be Blind.
            Innocence reigns through each and every vision
Not enough wisdom;
                                    Cannot make differences coincide.
Cannot take more;
                                Comfort in so many options.
While others have less than none.

Maybe I'm just too Childish to be Blind
           This weakness of over Simplification.
Most say it's Utopian.
                                      This perfect world that can
                                                Never Exist.
Causing this insane world view
               That is actually the most sane.

Maybe I'm just too Childish to be Blind.
            Something happens as we age...
Added complications, useless reasons,
                                                             Just the bully on the playground.
            Something changes as we age...
Pain of others easy to avoid,
                                              Just close your eyes.

Maybe I'm just too Childish to be Blind.
            Or
                     Maybe I'm just one of few still able to
                                                See.


**Oct 9, 2013

Want the mind to stop
            Because it is though to bring Peace.
                            Yet,
                                   when if does
If Right Now
                     Your brain is actually off.
This form of being possibly more agitating.
              Is there an in-between?
Or Constantly Running
                                       Full Speed Ahead?
If not constantly running
                                     This state you are trying to
                                                  Escape.
Then you are Not
                                You.
Stop Running.
                          Stop Avoiding.
Those small things.
                               That worry you so.
Is your individuality.
Is who You Are
                   Take off that ill fitting
                                                       uniform
Embrace your True folds
                                        and Be Happy.

Pick up the Pen,
                Put it to Paper
Write to Write.
        It is your therapy.
                     Where you find release.
How things come out.
              Do not analyze it.
Just do it.
          The words will enact
                    What They Must.
Most things will be for you
              Because you have allowed the turmoil.
Why do you fear?
          Why find it so hard,
                                             discouraging,
                     Unpowered
To allow your passion,
                                       Learn the knowledge.
Daunting,
                  Yes.
End goal?
                None.
                             So far
                                 Right Now.
Lost from Home,
        from touch,
        from tender allowance
                                 to be so calm
Not on the edge
               Wistfully walking this manicured path.
Though I do not believe they exist.
                      At least not wholly.
Some things get easier,
                      A path you do not have to clear,
Sadly most fought through.
                  Know what you need to do.
Why can you not find the energy?
                                     the desire
                                     the anything
To sit down and read what angers you,
                            That anger feeds the passion
Passion such a daunting task,
                                               repeatedly kicked down.
So much courage lost,
                                      Not built,
               Drained away
Must learn to step forth,
                                         Crash into what is there
Just go out,
                     You make yourself alone
Trying to end
                        The endless cycle.
Trying to gain some advantage
                        Over this creeping Darkness.

INCINERATE.
                           To Ashes.
Million bits of Nothing,
                                      Dissolving in the Wind.
Burned
             and Passion carries forward.
This ache and pounding
                               Booming Louder
Must break false chains
                                      That hold lips so tight.
For what purpose lies in sealed lips?
                                 Information Forever Lost
Unless
            Spoken.
Fear no consequences,
                                    What could possibly happen?
Many things will surface,
                                             Nothing left buried
Or hidden...
                      Heart aches,
                                           feels lost,
                      Alone.
That those feelings shown,
                                            Exist
                      Within you,
                                          so Passionate.
Those words...
                         As Eye.
Similarities Grow,
                              To Me...
     See how this Passion Builds?
Thought tear through haze into this
                                                            Aching Belief.
Recognize.
                  See.
                           I cherish it so.
But will let go
                        Learn to let go
                      Because thoughts show
This one thing
                         where 'belief'
is a comfortable word.
             The only thing to describe
That black hole my thoughts lead to
                                               When on you.
Somewhere.
                    Known.
Then the Foolish feelings grow
                   Then your words float back
Two Halves of a Whole...
                 Is 'Marco' not echoing
                                      Loud Enough?
So now these shoulders shrug,
                                                   lip curled;
                                                                    indifferent.
Suddenly confident,
                                   Just want facts known.
Lips will move with steady
                                             Concentration
Trying to communicate
                                           Truly.



August 15, 2013

Seems Daunting.
          Does it not?
External. Outside. No longer part of You.
The place where All and Nothing Exists.
      Seems a tad...Relieving, now doesn't it?

It is Everything You once held True.
       Feelings, Actions, Desires, and Conversations never spoken.
These things may not have been shared by two Intellectual Beings.
         Some would say this makes them not Real.
In certain circumstances, they may be correct.

     Yet, There exists a certain realm where they could have happened.
                         Had You Acted.
There is but this Time. This single ticking Clock.
  Those Feelings,
                That Every Desire.
Running through Your Mind.
               Is Real.

Once Eclipsed Your Soul.

  All is Moving,
          Constantly Turning.
Each Action Bares Your Soul.
           Is a Decision.
Follow True Hearts Content.
          Rise and Be Free.
Exactly as it is Meant to Be.
                 Chances will Happen Again.

Bound to Come Around.
            In passing Time some believe another life.
Exactly how much do we remain the same over these passing years? How far do our memories actually reconnect? How often do You remember childhood laughter; lessons? How many things does our subconscious actually hold on to; Guides us and Retrieves us from acting so wholly?

Each Individual possesses a Bound...
                Their Universe.
Their Thoughts.
         Their Energy.
                  Their Lives.
Are thoughts, once spoken
             Not Ideas Shared?
Is Energy Not Felt?
               Though Almost Incommunicable,
Instincts, Body, knows Truth.
         Do Lives Not Collide?
In every passing Stranger.
                   Is the Chance to Become a Friend.
Each way
         Eyes will turn.
Always reminded.
            I am Not Alone.
Forever surrounded by other passing lives,
                                   Another ticking clock.
Until the Face is Broken.
         Until someone Extends a Favour.



**July 9, 2014

When you watch day turn to night
Suddenly things come to light
Because it is so obvious,
                                       Stunningly so,
The passage of time
                               Marked by the falling Sun.
The Brain starts wandering,
                                             Focusing,
     Running on wild
                        Do not ignore,
                                                replace or Control
Allow Freedom,
                          Be one with your thoughts
Why so busy?
                       Why so surrounded?
             Why so scared to be alone?
Scared of the infinite,
                                   lost in thoughts
                Daunting
   Where will the mind wander?
           Most of all...
Scared of seeing who you Truly are,
                                   Mistakes and missed chances.
But it is all past now.
Nothing more to be done.
So learn from them.
                        
                           LET. IT. GO.
                            EXPLORE.



**July 23, 2013

Ask me what a True Friend is,
Without knowing it, I was describing you.
Yes you're weird,
                            I'm weird.
       We're weird.
But it's hard to find irritant when emotion backed up so logically.
                               You're a Grounder.
                                No ******* accepted,
                                Sympathy when needed.
                                Sound Advice offered.
                                Always listened,
                                Always supported.
Never noticed.
                       But you're still here,
Astounding no effort required.
It's nice to know someone's always there.
No matter how much time may pass.
     A silent support system
     That can always become loud.


**May 9, 2013

Be Kind.
Such an easy Task.
         How clouded
            Our Memories
Our Souls.
             Our Hearts
                             Desires.
    
     Be Kind.
               It is Your
Choice.
            
             Each pulse
                           Beats
As Mine,
As Yours.
                  Together.
We are
             Here.
All is
         One.
      
     Be Kind.
So Lost from
                       Us.
    So created.
            Through each Action
and every
          Selfish Inaction.

How did we progress
                     This Far?

Trust Instincts.
              Could this ever
                                      Change?
    
    Hope.



**May 15, 2014

Your conservative stance lacks progression
Yet what we consider good, fair, and democratic: A turmoil of mess built for profit.
Your ancient religion lacks moral conviction
Yet look at the heart of them all - Same.
And so it was written, so blindly accepted.
Don't just accept. Read. Re-read. Analyze. Understand.
Ideals built by mad bricks melt by the heat of each new day.
Direct the inferno to keep what needs to remain.
Solids back to liquids. Innovation, restructure. Morality intertwined.
Everything is already at your disposal.
Buried within the confines of your cosmic being.
Let it surge and you can become you - Happy.
America: the Mecca, progression within the question.
What needs to be done?
                                      What is our progression?
                                                                               Does 'America' need to fall?
The holy trinity: mind, body, soul. Understand?
Understand? All three?
I cannot even get my mind to understand my mind.
The greatest powers: the most complex
Eye cannot say anything, but you will do
I will say.
My words will power action.
Full force that no one will be able to reckon with.
It takes patience and a mind for you to realize the 47
So stop investin' in the Wesson, more your fellow brethren.
Patience. Not this month, this week, this day, right now...
This year?  
                 This decade?
                                      This century?
I'm willing to work, bring morality back for my brethren.
Do what is possible, it will surprise the masses.
Shock the masses into beneficial impact.
The fear of chaos, the unknown, exists only in the past.
                                      Organize the Chaos.




*Written April 26, 2013 in collaboration with Jack Preston. http://hellopoetry.com/-jack-c-preston/

Searching for the right words.
They do not yet exist.
                                   If they can.
Feelings are constantly forming.

                   But I'm scared.
                                                         ­                    Mark of the unknown.
Mind tells heart to stop.
Heart tells mind to prepare for pain.

          This pen my avenue to Truth.

Desires shattered by storms of doubt.
Fierceness kept within the confines of my being
Threatening further personal destruction if the winds do not soon perish.

                     Experience.
                                       The test.
                    Time.
                              Eye­ of the storm.
                    Patience.
                            ­      My only skill.

Doubts and Fears do not have to be felt alone.

                            Let time be the promise of perfection.




**Written sometime... Discovered April 20, 2013

Purpose Lost
Purpose Found
Purpose Changes.
                              Write to write
                              Write to Feel
Right.
              Where to find the effort?
   Comes with passion,
                                      No effort at all.
        Feel so strange.
                                     Only one constant
       One Remains
                               No need to be said.

        Happy for the present,
                                              How does sadness creep?
           It does because of others
                                          actions, words
                                                           ­         entice emotion
                   Cause and Effect
        When one is Happy
                                        does not mean that all will follow.
                         Little Things Matter.
Focus on abstract,
                                Larger required.
How is it known happiness will carry?
                                   because that Joy different.
It will carry on,
                          felt within,
                                             Soul
                                                      Wracki­ng
                                            Pleasure.
So Find It,
                   Do It,
                              Be 'It'.



**July 23, 2013

We have been given a
                   WORLD
Where
                Thinking.
Is.
     Just.
             Not.
  Required.
              Who says Zombies
                                         Cannot Exist?
Are not walking
                            Among us.
     Void Emotion.
                              Void Human
                                                     Sincerity.
This
        'Functioning Society'
                       We have greedily gobbled
From a Silver,
                         Gold plated platter.
Does not support
                              Connection.
Promotes Private.
                 Singular Successes.
One ocean of
                       Opportunity.
                                                 How?
Tell a bird to swim.
                           Hold it's breath.
To halt it's lovely
                             Song?
It will
            Perish.
                         Forced to
                                           Thrive,
                                           Live,
                                           Exist,
                                          Be Content
In conditions it was not
                                         Designed
                                                           to Flourish.
You.
         Have a Particular,
                                         Admonishing
               Spirit.
Designed for a Certain
                                       Purpose.
The Human
                      Frailty,
Deemed
               Consciousness,
Possessing Thought.
                                    Curses
                                                     and
                                    Prizes.
The ability to choose a
                                         Niche.
Complicatedly,
                            Distraught and
Scared.
              We all begin to carve.
Choose Air,
                    Fire,
                            Water.
As our ideal conditions.
                    In which lies, Your
                                                      Destiny.


**Dec 2, 2013

Feeling wanted,
                                   worth,
                      ­                                 desire
                      My company.
Impacted?
                   All I've ever wanted to do.
Change something, someone,
                                                     Hopefully their version of 'better'
            So,
                                      Wow.
                 Thank You.
I want to keep this feeling,
                 keep impacting,
                 keep being me.
                 keep people around me where I don't have to try.
It's so good when there is no effort...
                                                 Just React.

Is it possible for a heart to drop twice?
Does it fall deeper?
Or does it hit the ground harder?

I don’t know how this happens,
And I don’t know why you insist on torturing me.

Yes, there is jealousy,
Yes, there is anger.
Mostly, there is pain.

                                                      Obvious?

Sick of being the ‘wrong’ girl?
No attempt at being right.
What is halting?
Why does this seem different?
In those moments,
                                     I have never felt more perfectly content.
For not wanting to give that up,
                                                          To move on,
                                                                                    Or forget.
I will not apologize.

Time is time,
I have never really cared for it.
Patience my refined skill nearing perfection.
        Ability to act fine a skill I never intentionally practiced.
My greatest skill.

Time is waiting.
So I practice patience,
If you’re ready to be right…

Why is
             'Good'
So hard
              Fought for?
Fighting,
                Struggling.
To feel at ease,
                         Comfortable.
Easy reaction.
             Instead of Calculated
                         Responses.
None of it has ever been easy.
                      Fumbling,
                                        Stumbling,
                    Mumbling
                                        Around.
Pretending to know all.
                                  Faulty Inflation.
So many things left unsaid
                Not told.
  Seems all things fabricated.
                Easy to distract
                          Complicated Mins.
Should know,
                        be Taught,
                                           Guided
On how to
                  Allow
       Self
               Flourishment.
'Alone'
           is a state
You.
           Decided
To Enter.
                  You.
Were not forced.
                              You.
Eliminated Love,
                    Care,
                    Friendship,
                    Happiness.
                                                                 You.
Have lost control of your
                                           Mind.
It's Essence
                    Has more
                                      Power
Than known to
                           Thy Self.
Do not forget that
                                You.
        Own it.
                      Can Take Back
                                Control.
Simply
             Step Back.
Physically if need be...
                         Remove yourself mentally.
Take a Look.
                        Notice the careful
                                                        Steps.
Change.
                           You.


**Dec 2, 2013

Astonishing.
                         Amazing.
   How Brilliantly Blind.
How could you see so clearly?
                 Yet be walking,
                                              talking,
 ­                      acting
    With no vision.
                               No direction.
Selfishly stumbling
                               No where.

You got it,
                  head on,
                                  one nail drive.
            BAM
Except not the right words.
              But the cry was evidently heard.
The point made,
                              Message Found Home.

So where the reaction?
                                       Where the care?
As if it matters...
                     Do you even still read?
Am I attempting to communicate with a
                                    Wall?
Either way
                    I'd like to say
Thank You
                     and
*******.

Though which the stronger sentiment?
                  Don't Care.
Whichever makes you feel better.
       I could list all the reasons to
                      Thank,
Shake your hand,
                               express gratitude.
Those uplifting,
                             generous,
Soul searching, and
                                    Questioning
Rise to Self
                      Expressions
That which you do not know you
                        Employ.
       Is Not Deserved.
Would not be
                         Recognized.
                                                Legit­imized.
           Just shrugged off.
                                        Not taken to
                                                               Heart.
So those words exist
                                    as Wind
Whistling through your life,
                                                   waiting for you to pay attention.
Make sense of that noise,
                                        Take comfort in the frigid air.
But you won't.
                           So
                                        I won't.
                                                        Fi­nally.

**Oct 1, 2013

The* wonderful innocence of a child will lead her outside during early Spring. When the snow is still melting, lingering on the ground, hoping to give nourishment.
     Now, instead of laughing, making mean quips, or doing something deconstructive. Why not reply in kind...
                  
               "It is nice you want to feed the birds my dear, but sadly they are not quite near. So sweetie, why don't you start saving scraps of bread and we'll go down to the lake in a few weeks instead".
    
     Why not take that rare, careful awareness of others, no matter how small and mold it. Allow it to grow. Nourish what you gave life too.
      Feed her more than the food on the table, give her more than comfortable place to sleep at night. Yes, these are necessary and hard work. But a child needs more than a safe haven that isn't so welcoming, not all safe.
     She needs to know her thoughts have merit, weight, can become tangible.
Not laughable, impossible,
                                           Or just not worth it.


*Oct 14, 2013

This disparaging
                             Quality of my own
  Innocence.
                    Has been Shrouded,
                              Burned,
Ashes scattered,
                          Nary a Hope of
                                     Return.
  Though Now
                    Mine Eyes
     Detect a Forward
                                 Purpose.
Glimmering
                   Whisper of
Further Life
            Once Not
                              Thought Possible.
           Once, Never a
                                  Consideration.

Each day Burns
              With the
Weary awareness of mine non-actions.
       Still aligning Priorities.

From those Ashes,
            This Being Has Risen.
Is Striking Back.
           Carving Forth.
Turning Words.
              Into Every Lived Desire.



**July 6th-ish 2014

So much release from this
                              Careful Concentration
Delicate
               Precision.
                       Working towards
It's single
                  Perfection.
Never Avoid.
                        Always Steal the
                                Time.

**Nov 15, 2013

You must take the
                                Time

Must reset and
                           Organize.

All things do not need to be
                Shared.

Develop
               Repertoire.

Pick and Choose
         Be
              Diligent
Adamant.
                  Sit down and
                                                SORT
Create Categories
                          Outside what has
                                                         Found Page.
Start
Fresh.
           This creation,
                                   This Potential.
Ultimate
Destiny.

**Nov 22, 2013

How do you cleanse a soul
                      That wants so much
Yet is given nothing.
                                   Cry those tears
Say those words
                                                                   Allow yourself to feel.
Well when that happens
                                 Those emotions crash like a wave
Wow,
          Who know it was possible to feel like this?

Well I have,
                    my entire life
Back to square one,
                                this relentless self-worth
No one's felt back,
                              that useless desire
So why should I bother to let myself feel?
            It always ends the same
Back in this spot,
                            Weapon poised straight in hand.
Maybe this is all I'm meant to be.
            A strange person behind a name
                                             and a pen.
There is no where left to turn
                       No one left to call
So what happens now
                                     When I feel even less than before
                                     When there's nothing to look forward too
No,
        Not anymore.
I turn my back on nothing,
                                    Just let it slide
Return if you want,
                                I can spare no more effort.
These things never have validation
                               So I wait for the first move
For someone to show
                                  that yes I'm Intriguing
                                                      Interesting
                                       Though quiet.
To show me that it's possible.
                              That I'm not just a laugh riot.
But that's how this faded,
                        How time has passed
                                               but there is no real change.
Without acting upon desires,
                                                my feels,
                                                                 my concrete thoughts.
I let others influence
                          Allow their words to sink in
Sometimes this is good.
                                      But when you know what you want
Just go for it.
                     There will be no regret,
Because at least you tried.
             Right now I see no reason to try try, try.
I'll wait a little longer
                        Until this knot in my throat
Finds somewhere else to hide.


**July 15, 2013

No matter how many times you plan it out,
Think it over in your head
               Analyze everything.
Try to see every logical
                                      and illogical
                Point of view.
Cover
           all
                 the
                         bases
Tell yourself you know who you are.
                                       What you are doing.
You've got morals set
                                   or beginning
Every situation will call into question those
                Things once though
Concrete.
                           Never concrete
Nothing is solid until confirmed
                                                   How to fulfill?
Justification?
                       Two
                               Equal
                                         Parts
         Agreeing?
                               STOP.
And let things happen.
                                      Don't try
                                      But try
Like waiting for a fish...
                     Let out that hook
                                                            Wait...
Expect,
             Without expecting,
                                               To catch that gem.

How to be so patient,
                                    so willing,
                                     So.             Controlled.
To allow such pondering,
                                           as many moons pass...
Is this faith?
                     To just disallow?
Is there not
                      Always
A Choice?
                     Because actions affect All
My choice to change,
                                   to act,
                                   to say,
                                   to be,
                                   to love,
                                   to create,
                                   to wonder,
To Exist.
                To act without thinking ahead,
                          the logical illogical.
To stare in that mirror...

In the moment morals?
                                      No.
           Similarities.
                               Be logical,
                                 For
                                        You.
Without thinking
                              too much.
                                                Maybe Happiness
                             Will Follow.


                                                                                                                         **June 15/19 2013

Is fleeting.
Possibly an illusion
               Intangible
Allowance.
                  Does Love always follow?
Perhaps versions,
                            Different crowds
different personalities
                           Yet Same.
Just searching for a constant
                         Maybe stumble into one
Hard to know,
                        Nay
Impossible.
So easy to spit lies,
                              Incomplete truths
This actions completely outside oneself.
        Completely,
                           and Absolutely
       The Other Person.
How many chances?
                                   Possible to get back once lost?
Limited, patient, costly...
                               Who do you Really Trust?


                                                        ­                                            **August 1, 2013