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  Jun 2015 Nicole Hammond
EJ Aghassi
the light in the women's
bathroom stays on, always
24 hours a day

why is it never
safe to be a woman?
  Jun 2015 Nicole Hammond
Tom Leveille
you got a fast car
i want a ticket to anywhere
maybe we can make a deal
maybe together
we can get somewhere
anyplace is better
starting from zero
got nothing to lose
maybe we'll make somethin
me myself i got nothin to prove

i've been wondering
when it stops
people say it stops
when you want it to
but how do i tell that
to my dreams
when all i can think about
is running up to kiss you
in the parking lot of anywhere
it makes me wanna drink
and say everything
like sometimes i think about
what it would've been like
if i had let you go
when i
was still strong enough to do it
like i never knew hell
had such a pretty voice
like i tried to make it all day
without saying
"wish you were here"
like lately i've been going back
to all the places we've been
to see what it's like without you
it is the worst game
of hide & seek
every time i close my eyes
to count
you just go home
i seem to only wear my seat belt
on days you call
on days you're all *never been better

and i just wanna tell you
how much I hate window shopping
and daylight goodbyes
you just sit there
when you could say anything
you could tell me
you noticed i started drinking again
you could even make it up
you could say you miss me, too
you could say
you missed me so much
that the other day
you accidentally bought
two coffees instead of one
you could tell me
how you've been
without me
that you sleep so much better
these days
without having to worry
you can say what you have
to just don't say leaving
was like shooting fish in a barrel
cause i swear i'm nostalgic
for things i pretended were real
and i swear
i don't want a seance
until there's something
worth bringing back
take me back
to all the places i tried to love you
back to a time
where i knew my name  
without you having to say it

*you got a fast car
is it fast enough
so we can fly away
you gotta make a decision
leave tonight
or live & this way
excerpts from tracy chapman's fast car
Nicole Hammond Jun 2015
what quiet has made everything
so loud?
what stole all the sleep from
your eyes and all the
serotonin from your blood?
who gave you more than your heart
could hold?
is that why it feels so different,
because it's stretched and stretched
until it's too big for the small things
that do live there?
who emptied it all like gasoline
on the last shred
of what was beautiful?
what name did you try to
bleach out of your organs?
how hard did you cry when
it only made it brighter?
what was the best day you ever had?
now think of exactly
one year after that day.
do you see ghosts when you see
that date on a calendar?
what about all the days in between?
why does every good thing
that happens to you
only last as long as
their smell on your clothes
from the last time they touched you?
what about the night you swallowed the whole medicine cabinet?
did you hope that with all the
pills you took,
you'd finally be something
somebody needs?
when did you realize you can't
love anyone who could love
someone like you?
1 AM thoughts.
i always used to call you my james taylor
because you would write these songs
and they were written in
a special sort of ink that you bought
at some convention somewhere and
apparently, the ink was supposed permanent,
we were supposed to be permanent
but it's funny actually, how the word permanent
can disappear on a cold december night when you
happen to have too much to drink
and i happen to be on edge because you're not
acting like my james taylor anymore, instead
you have broken your guitar and you don't go
to conventions anymore and i think the last time
you told you loved me and actually meant it was
a couple of months ago in july, i remember it
because of course, you wrote a song about it, you
always used to write a song about everything but
now you have run out of your ink and i fear
that i have run out of love for the both us,
at the end of the day i was the only one who
made an actual effort but by now i feel like giving up on
you and it's strange to even think like that
because i thought i would rather crash and burn
with you than let you run away but it seems
you are no longer the boy who i love so i guess
i'll be waiting to see your ashes float upon the sea

(h.l.)
Nicole Hammond May 2015
i remember when you asked me
about "the night"
afraid if you gave it a name
it'd come back like a sick dog
how when i finally told you
you screamed where are they
looking me up and down
like i was harboring them
like fugitives
which, in a sense
i was
i remember you looking at my chest
like you could take a
baseball bat to it any second
it's a good thing i told you
my hands
so you wouldn't blame
yourself anymore
when i didn't want to touch you
i didn't tell you
it pulls my hair
and twists my arm
and drags me to my knees
when i'm alone
and it trickles out
the corners of my mouth
when nice boys don't say please
when they say let me
when they say trust me
when they say i love you
when i resign to polite terror
i don't tell you it's on my skin
every time i enter crowded rooms
i don't tell you it's in your face
and my face
and every face of everyone i see

i never told you why
i only kiss you with the lights off

because that would only scare you
and what use is it
to let them hurt you too
i don't think i've ever devoted a whole poem to this subject before.
Nicole Hammond May 2015
he lost her
you lost him
do not lose yourself
holding onto both of them
remember, this is your battle
and you can shoot your own foot
if it makes you feel anything at all

you see people in love
and it makes you cry for
everything you could've had
return the sheets
you two could've bought one day
burn down the house
you could've lived in
kiss the future children goodbye
you'll learn to live with yourself
some day
make peace with the fear that
he'll never come back to you

he'll never come back to you

*he'll never come back to you
my heart isn't broken anymore but this is still the writing I find the most honest
Nicole Hammond May 2015
you are 16 now.
I know you just lost the first boy you've ever loved like a part of your own body. each morning will be a reminder of how bright the world continues to be without you in it. you won't sleep for weeks. you won't stop crying for months.
years from now you will reencounter the person you once were like a family member you only vaguely recognize, let alone feel connected to in any way. it will take years to find your way back to her but she is out there. she's looking for you. a lot has happened since you left her. you have loved and loved and loved since him and you're right, it hasn't been the same. it will never be the same. but you, you are not the same. you are not the shell of a girl you once were, you will not always feel so empty. you are smart. you are kind and you are bitter and you are forgiving and you are angry and you are every bit of these things that you should be at this very moment. I know it feels like every soft and beautiful thing has rusted over and is picking at your bones. understand that pain means you're feeling.
be kind to your mother. reach out to your father. take a step. you've wasted enough of your life. most importantly, stop waiting to hear this from someone else.

this is your sign.
I'm sorry I haven't written in so long. I've been, slowly but surely, making my way back to who I was. and I'm happy to say I feel like I'm finally here again. I love this community and all the beautiful people that are a part of it. thank you for your continued patience with me.
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