what quiet has made everything
so loud?
what stole all the sleep from
your eyes and all the
serotonin from your blood?
who gave you more than your heart
could hold?
is that why it feels so different,
because it's stretched and stretched
until it's too big for the small things
that do live there?
who emptied it all like gasoline
on the last shred
of what was beautiful?
what name did you try to
bleach out of your organs?
how hard did you cry when
it only made it brighter?
what was the best day you ever had?
now think of exactly
one year after that day.
do you see ghosts when you see
that date on a calendar?
what about all the days in between?
why does every good thing
that happens to you
only last as long as
their smell on your clothes
from the last time they touched you?
what about the night you swallowed the whole medicine cabinet?
did you hope that with all the
pills you took,
you'd finally be something
somebody needs?
when did you realize you can't
love anyone who could love
someone like you?

i always used to call you my james taylor
because you would write these songs
and they were written in
a special sort of ink that you bought
at some convention somewhere and
apparently, the ink was supposed permanent,
we were supposed to be permanent
but it's funny actually, how the word permanent
can disappear on a cold december night when you
happen to have too much to drink
and i happen to be on edge because you're not
acting like my james taylor anymore, instead
you have broken your guitar and you don't go
to conventions anymore and i think the last time
you told you loved me and actually meant it was
a couple of months ago in july, i remember it
because of course, you wrote a song about it, you
always used to write a song about everything but
now you have run out of your ink and i fear
that i have run out of love for the both us,
at the end of the day i was the only one who
made an actual effort but by now i feel like giving up on
you and it's strange to even think like that
because i thought i would rather crash and burn
with you than let you run away but it seems
you are no longer the boy who i love so i guess
i'll be waiting to see your ashes float upon the sea

(h.l.)

you are 16 now.
I know you just lost the first boy you've ever loved like a part of your own body. each morning will be a reminder of how bright the world continues to be without you in it. you won't sleep for weeks. you won't stop crying for months.
years from now you will reencounter the person you once were like a family member you only vaguely recognize, let alone feel connected to in any way. it will take years to find your way back to her but she is out there. she's looking for you. a lot has happened since you left her. you have loved and loved and loved since him and you're right, it hasn't been the same. it will never be the same. but you, you are not the same. you are not the shell of a girl you once were, you will not always feel so empty. you are smart. you are kind and you are bitter and you are forgiving and you are angry and you are every bit of these things that you should be at this very moment. I know it feels like every soft and beautiful thing has rusted over and is picking at your bones. understand that pain means you're feeling.
be kind to your mother. reach out to your father. take a step. you've wasted enough of your life. most importantly, stop waiting to hear this from someone else.

this is your sign.