Majesty
Is a child's first fantasy
There is no truth in a golden image
But a mirror in its lies

Kings will turn to skeletons
And even those preserved by time
Art works hallow
Hollowed skulls
A Pencils faded line

There is no such thing as majesty
But in a child's mind
I let mine ring with truth in lies
A fantasy to last all of time.

That is it then
The deal is signed
Everything, is in my mind
I watch past blurs
Doubled sight
What she said I fear is right

There's nothing wrong with me
Is what she said
Nothing wrong but what's in my head
But I can't think that
I can't see
Past the things I know to be me

For her it's not real
I guess it's easy to judge
But for me I can feel it - my own personal grudge
Against myself
My awkwardness
My fear of not being me
Saying things wrong whenever I speak

So tell me I don't tremble
Or take half an hour to reply
Tell me again how it's all in my mind

And if it is in my mind
No physicality in the mix
How could it be something
Real doctors can fix
Am I a monster?
Is something wrong in my head?!
"The problem is; You think that"
Is all that she said.

Stars above hold on to me tight,
Hold me together when I cannot fight,
Because only you in this universe so huge,
Will stay firmly by me when life gets so crude,

When I'm not creating, not talking,
All the moments when i have no worth,
And the vastness of thought consumes me,
As I ponder my reason of birth,

When I feel emptiest, I look up to you,
Cause only the universe, knows what to do,
As I lay down my pain, raw in your eyes,
And think of the stars;
All the stars in the skies

How even in the emptiness, far away, there is light,
So when my mind is like space, I make my stars shine bright

So my dear stars, hold onto me tight,
For with out you I'm lost in never ending night,
Without you I'm gone, I can't find my worth,
Without you dear stars; I'd undo my birth.

When you think of me, what is it you see?
Do you see the ghost, the smiles or the scars?
Do you see the tears, the broken halves?
Or do you see, What the mirror shows?
Do you see beyond your nose?

Is it the light that catches your eye?
Or is it all that we can't deny
What is it dear, what do you see?
Nothing she said- Thinking of me.

It is unbearable
To see a loved one in pain
To watch their eyes prickle
See their tears stain

But is it not worse
To be unable to help
When one you love hurts
But your love is not felt

As you are not who they want
To them you do not exist
And you have to watch others
Be their everything

As you have to be happy
At your own despair
For you hate when they feel pain
Even more so that you could not be there.

A shaman of wise women
Whose only truths are never told
Seeks only understandings
Held aloft b'neath the world's nose
Be it truths bitter
Or stories of olde
Skeletons in closets
That reek of forebode
Mother whispers word of experience
Father helps them believe another view
The holy mass of firsthand knowledge
Read by those who can learn nothing new
A gift to the younger
A word from the wise
To see the bigger picture
Not the irony of life.

When He told her He loved her
He told her not Her
And she brought it up
Where She could see
Heart already torn
What could She do?
But hope it a trick
A joke
As best friends like they often do
But as she smiled and She smiled
Tears in Her eyes
Her boyfriend - the culprit- saw none
Of the pain She locked inside.

All the pain behind your eyes
With every truth behind your lies
My love, heart and honesty dies

Because I've felt the pain
The result of lies
I've felt how it feels to want to die

And that you wouldn't tell me how you feel
Wouldn't let me in to help- is this not real?

I get it. somethings - everything- you don't want to share
I guess I should never have let my self care

I'm sorry
I'm not good enough
And will never say the right thing

But I guess that's what comes
Of being your Harley-Quinn.

I see you
You lurk beneath the skin
Razor teeth shining through otherwise empty words
I see you in the malice
In the anger and confusion
Contorting the human mask you wear
I see you in the hatred
Growing stronger
As together you learn to hate yourself
Each passing moment you are brighter
Your host duller
Although you hide it well

And I am afraid
Afraid that one day
I will see you
And you see me
In a mirrors reflection
That one day you will ravage my mind
Tear away all knowledge and perception
That I endear
As I burn my loved ones
With your bitter tongue
And slowly forget them entirely
Until I become you
And then can no longer see you

As now i have seen you
Take another's skin
Remove him from his family
Take his pride, his mind
His love for all
And isolate us
In our islands of fear
Frozen, we can do nothing at all
I realise that there is no happy ending
There is no way back now
I always thought there were second chances
But he is leaving us, painful piece by piece
So fast, yet slow

It's unbearable

For now I have seen you
And I can never forget
The look in your eyes
The words you've said
I see the void
I see living death
And at least for now
You cannot see me yet

Too many times have I looked in a mirror
Finding an alien
Nothing that resembles me
The inside invaded by the out

Sometimes I fear we are all aliens
Captive in our human shells
Afraid
The big bad world will come and knock our doors down

Other times I'm alone
In a dark, cruel and ugly place
Reflecting back in the mirror
Saying don't look at my face

Saying there's nothing there that's human
Screaming "that's not me!"
But I can do nothing but watch
Through the alien eyes I see.

When I wake up in the morning
I have to pinch myself
To remember that fairytales
Hold no wealth
In this real world
For I am a dreamer
Of love, of life
And always do I fear
Drifting away
Going too far

With you I fear everything
Everyone
I'd rather be aware
And able to build my walls
Than absent from reality
Caught up in you
When I find out
You are not so caught up in me

I'd rather hear a siren's wail
A simple 'I'm not so sure'
Before the dam crumbles
And the heart strings snap
- so I can shut the door

But this wave is no tsunami
It's physical pain yes,
but it can't be seen
I've been there often enough
That I already look twice
And try not to dream

As there is no early warning system
That's why I'm afraid
Of you, of open doors
As once I'm down the river
I can do nothing but drown in your force.

Fog
Things I will never see
You let her in
Why not me?
I will try not to be bitter
I won't get jealous I swear
I'm trying to keep it in
It's just a lot to bear
This searing torture
As I feel my mind start
Stabbing words at the strings
Inside my heart

With every second
The questions grow more
My self image has fallen
I am nothing but raw
Pain,
Fear,
Hollow inside,
Something not good enough
Nothing like her
Who sees all that you hide

Why don't you just tell me
What I'm scared I know I'll hear
That I'm just a bodywarmer
Replacing all that you can't get
That if she lived closer
She's be more than your friend.

Each poem is a part of me
So disgusting, I hate it
I detest all my drawings
And loath my creations
My inabilities, my faults, my claims
The burbling guts to my name
All things, every thing
Connected to me
Needs to be chained to a ball
And drowned in the sea
A sea of red maybe
To bury it's name
As I write it on my arm
And cut it out to remove its stain
Remove the parts of me I'm scared of and fear
Remove the parts that I once held dear
Throw em', burn em', it don't matter what I do
For each old scar; I'll find something new.

Breathe
Just *breathe
Ignore it
Focus on it
Let your self go numb
Breathe out the pain
Then laugh with everyone
Don't stop to feel it
Don't even try to think
When it gets so you can't bare it
Just breathe out the pain and sink
Sink into the darkness
And let it all go
Find the place where finally
*Breathing's all you know

A girl with anxiety, paranoia and depression,
She hides it well- your girlfriend.

Her darkest moods
Often related to you

When she wanted to die,
Unknowingly you pulled her through

With each message
more comfortable than the last

Together you know you both
Smile and laugh

Just when all is shining bright
All stars once again lighting the night

YOU call your girl-best-friend your other half
To her, your girlfriend's, face.
She wants to ****.

Flashes of blades, blood, sharp breaths, drowning tears- her darkest fears,
Spiralling and twisting in a night with no end
A girl with anxiety, paranoia, depression and fears
Yet she hides it well- your girlfriend.

Alice tied string round her fingers,
For each thing, lest she forget,
She'd done all the work,
Come up with the phrases,
And with friends in mind off she set,

Her first two strings were for Alfie,
The hottest boy in the class,
She unraveled each one, read its label,
"Hey Charlie, lose the glasses, then lose yourself"
"Tommy Digs shift, we don't want your fat ***"

Her third string was for the patio group,
So she could sit at the benches every break,
"Eugh, wrieking Robin, you stink worse than the bin, take It with you and get away"

As the day wore on,
More strings were untied,
A trail of fraying strands in her tread,
Each one connected,
To the arms and legs,
Of Tommy, Charlie, and Robin at the other end.

As Alice was a puppet master,
One of many in her school,
With each new string to pull and tug,
Her popularity grew,

Alice tied strings round her fingers,
For each thing, lest she forget,
Each one she pulled on would tighten,
And scar an arm or a leg,

Cause her strings would entwine with others,
And the few most ensnared and caught,
Had no choice but to obey the ropes,
Tied around their Wrists,
their Necks,
and their Hearts.

I've been distant for so long,
I can't find where to run,
Can't find where to go,
Or a way to get my Hallowed skeleton,
Home.

I think it's time I go away,
Somewhere far so as not to hear,
I think it's time to find elsewhere to stay,
Far from the voices I have come to fear,

They're there almost everyday, in my head,
Dictating every breath or word I say,
But now I shan't think of them, instead,
I will think not of the binds my loved ones lay,

Now, now I will drift;
       Amongst the stars,
As I once often did with ease,
And escape finally, my self-centred harm,
Watching the world as I breathe,

Escape my Family, my Best friends, and Boy friend,
And the worries I feel every day,
Stop my mind, my brain's obsessing,
Over every single word or thought sent their way,

For from here I shan't worry no more,
Or care about social views,
Amongst the stars the world is smaller,
Even though physically huge,

My space, my mind,
Clear and free,
Will dance forever softly, away,
Whence I will be,
Just simple thought,
And exist throughout the Milky Way.

My words have dried up,
I have nothing left to say,
Along with my blood,
All feeling has drained away,
Like a corroding reel of film,
My life is left, sepia grey,
God must have known,
I won't see another day.

Nobody now can take this pain away.

Found; a dying *****,
Plays an off-key tune,
It's muscles are all torn or missing,
Has a hole the size of the Moon,

It's tubes are shredded and ******,
Has no Rythm to it's pounds,
Just lays on the floor barely moving,
Unsafe and structurally unsound,

There's evidence of attempted repair work,
Covered in stiches and staples that ooze,
Patches and droplets of salt crust,
As well as the faint reek of *****,

There also seems to be a label,
That someone has recently tried to remove,
Appears to not be surgical precision,
But that fact still has to be proved,

What is decipherable reads as,
"Please call if found"
I tried, dial tone, "number disconnected",
Seems no one wants it around,

Was left this way before Tuesday,
In the skip of apartment block 4/2,
No one has noticed it's missing,
There is nothing more that I can do,
(12/03/15)

Found; a dying *****,
Left alone, not wanted around,
Desperately needing stiches,
In hands where none can be found,
(15/03/15)

Lost; a dying *****,
I stopped trying to help it survive,
It's been a while, and no one has claimed it,
Now it belongs in another life,
(10/06/15)

Lost and Found; a dying *****,
A vital one so it now seems,
Went back to the skips yesterday,
Found; a dead girl, late teens,

Found;  a dying *****,
Singing an off key tune,
Her muscles are all torn; One's missing,
Left a hole the size of the moon,
(27/07/15).

You kiss me often
Hot lips to hot skin
Our burning fever bright
But we know not much more

Every meeting, in all our crossed stars
Although as heavenly as the bodies that contain us
Ends in heated whispers
That now glow like burning scars

As I look back upon our moments
That are supposed to hold our strongest love, not greatest fears
And see that they could be echoes
Of nothing more than
A sixteen year old boys newest ambition
From your half

From my half, in runny eyes
I see my fairytale reality
Imperfections and all
Fall apart at the fault that
You love me no more than your right hand
No more than the second choice
To the girl you would rather have

I am no angel or barber doll
I have faults, scars, and a past
-so do you
My reactions may not be impeccable
And my face one you'll never truly see
-although I wear no visible mask
Still I thought maybe,
For someone,
I was good enough
You made me believe I was,
Good enough,
For you

But then came the Days you were busy
And my Demons ran wild in the Night
Bouts of darkness so great
I was almost seduced by a knife
As my fear is loss,
Not being good enough to stop it
Not being good enough in life

And in your 'busy' you told your girlfriend you couldn't talk for days,
But still you would find time by some quirk
To talk to others of your current horrors,
But I'd pass it off as you needed time away from me and work,

Again and again my nightmares stirring
Were of you and your so personality-pretty friends
Or how behind my back, really
You were laughing at your means to an end
I pass that off as my paranoia
Our inability to talk, my anxiety
How it all made me feel ignored?
My depression entirely

Cause one day each week I would reset
We'd meet and greet, no work
Play games, have fun, smile and laugh
And make our relationship brightly burn

But now my fears have swallowed me
As one week turns to two and more
Your texts and calls no longer follow me
Other than a single, quick "are you free?" Drill, our "***" 's ignored,

This whole thing started out so beautiful
But now the monsters don't want to just play,
And I realised some of the scariest moments
Are those that burn bright as day

As closeted skeletons rattle their bones
I know I let someone in who set them free
I haven't said anything, I'm always right here
Right here where I said I would be

Now maybe you're going through some business right now
With which I have nothing to do
Or maybe it's all in my head after all
And another set of pills'll help me through
But I just want to say
Through it all- I'm still here
So where the hell are you?

Because your empty lips may kiss me often
But I'm more concerned with the pain in your eyes
I let you in, I won't hurt you,
Trust me please, it hurts when you lie
It hurts to think that I'm nothing
But your sixteen year old self's right hand
Yet it's the only way you ever seem to want me
And inside I wear **** like a brand.

-  -  -  -  -  - Pt I
When did this happen?
                                       When you let it.
Why do I care so much?
                                     Because you fell.
Will I survive?
                      God knows, but you'll try.

-  -  -  -  -  - Pt II
I handed you the loaded gun,
  Closed my hand around yours,
     Pressed the barrel to my head.
I tied the rope around my waist,
   Threw you the line,
      And jumped off the edge,

Pull the trigger.  Let me go.
         Don't catch me when I  F
                                                      A
    ­                                                       L
                                                               ­  L.
                                        It's all the same,
                                                      To me,
                                                     After all.
-  -  -  -  -  -  Pt III
Dear John/Jane Doe,
          I have doubts, I have fears,
          But for some reason,
          I haven't disappeared,
          I'm no good for you,
          But we're still here,

          I let you in,
          Do the same for me?
          Don't just stand there and watch me bleed,
         I beg of you,
         You're all I need.

And for God sakes, if you're not going             to catch me;
     Don't let me fall.

Life whispers through the mist,
As the grey water ripples slowly,
A slight breeze on the winds,
Changes all things unknowingly,

Birds of bones Clothed craw to claw in black,
Scratch at passing hours,
Nails on chalkboard teeth to grind,
Filing at daylights powers,

Sensory shadows dance,
Provocative and disturbing,
Curling and tearing at bleak visions edge,
Strangely alluring,

A sirens song of a sailor’s death,
Whistles on the breeze,
Don’t you know it dangerous?
To sail the seven seas,

But as life whispers through the mist,
And the grey water ripples slowly,
A slight breeze on the winds,
Changes all things unknowingly,

Earth and sea begin to meld,
And what was once is now gone,
Life leaves your breath behind,
To go dance with the sun.

I long for my escape,
Away from this all.
Time alone to seize the madness within,
Seize the darkness of the shadows;
And destroy them with a golden ray of light.

To find a place of blissful solitude where everything is gone,
I long to find my paradise and escape,
       - I need to, to live on.

My need for solitude as a means of salvation,
To stave off the ruins of my mind,
And bring back the light there once was,
To get away from the inky mass,
That encompasses my mind, my life...
Me.

I must escape, I Must,
Get away from this all,
Find my isolated paradise with waters of calm,
No thoughts,
No work,
No life,
No stress,
No bad,
No good,
No grey,
Only clear plain paradise,
An isolation and escape,

The sort that can come only,
In ones grave.

I never believed I could act,
Or even write a poem that well,
And when it came to performing,
My words would stutter and quell,

My heart would quake,
Those hands would quiver,
And my whole body would shiver and shake,
I was traumatised and terrified,
And words would never come straight,

But a while back,
I met a man,
Wiser than anyone I know,
He showed me a way through life,
And He taught me what I know,

He told me some of his secrets,
And showed me a way to perform,
He helped me find my confidence,
And taught me to calm my inner storm,

He told me something that day,
That I will forever treasure in my heart,
That remains a secret between him and me,
From which I never will part,

That day surrounded by him and some friends,
I grew inside in a way,
And when performing later that night,
We blew them all away,

But he taught me something about myself,
That I had never seen in that way,
And even now it stays with me,
As it will till the end of my day,

But there’s something else amongst it all,
That he did let me know,
That a rose lives longer if it’s picked,
Before all its petals are on show,

I often mourn for him, the lost one
And I regret that he drifted away,
I watched like a statue, so silent, so still,
As he found his own way that day,

But oh, those many days I watched him,
Like a boat afloat from shore,
Watching his laughter and every disaster,
With a happiness that made my heart feel so sore,

I yearned to talk to him daily,
And of all those days I never could,
I was unable to stand the wave strength,
So I stayed back and watched as I thought I should,

But sometimes he would cast his glance to the sea,
His gaze momentarily just flickering to me,
As if by a miracle he maybe could see,
The invisible girl that so much resembled me,

But he never saw me, yet I always saw him,
My mind was so dulled and naive,
Yet my heart so full of hopes and wants,
Those I knew I should never believe,

I watched them all,
And they all passed by,
And of all the wanderers,
He caught my eye,

I don't think that I really believed,
That I did have a chance to be seen,
And had I known back then that I did,
I might have pushed on through the waves and not hid,

But I didn't really know,
And my heart really cared,
But then it turned to stone,
A stone that I bared,

For every long year,
After he left,
And I watched him walk,
Through his life so deft,

And my heart did shatter, my heart did break,
As if it was made of glass or sand,
But only when, on the horizons wake,
He turned to me, and waved his hand,

And so I mourn for him,
And the chance that we had,
And I mourn for the ignorance i held,

I mourn for the bliss,
And I mourn for the hope,
That in the end was true, but failed.