I thought a bright light in my life would make me a better person
Like if I could only turn the switch my life would change and it'd be worth it
I failed to account for the fact that people forget about you and sometimes never mean to hurt you
But it's always there right in the clear
Don't count on others to be your light
It burns out so much quicker

part of me has given up on finding anything outside myself
perspective and perception
everything else is rot with doubt
sometimes still my own mind will play tricks upon itself
it's hard to hide
harder still to find
when these words won't leave my mouth

back then i didn't think that i could ever make amends
with the way that life was going
it was never going to end
a piece of glass was lodged inside a soft and gentle hand
you never held mine like you held her
i assumed it was the glass that had me ******

i'm needy, i'm restless
don't know where my head is
got bruises and whiplash
every move's got a backlash
i can't tell you, i'm thinking
i'm constantly sinking
on the edge, see your face
but things just aren't the same

it was a cold september night
you didn't even say goodbye
i shined a light against the pavement
just so i could see
i never thought it'd end like that
sometimes goodbye is just so strange
so i'm laying here
remembering
and counting all the days

do you even know what it's like
you can't even stand to be near me
i've got a chest full of empty air
a mess of bones flows with your blood
your breath runs through my veins
you could dismantle me with just one touch
if you could take a minute to hold me
you could pull me apart
i'll let you in
if your breath hits my mouth
it feels like i can't move
i'm pressed under your thumb

take a walk with me
you can hold my hand if you want to
we can stand side by side
lay my head on you
find a spot to watch the waves crash
find a spot to hold you close
you can run away if you want to
i won't chase you down
dream you're still right here
take a little to think it through
take a breath and sigh and smile
this is the first time in a long time
i'm not sad anymore
so hold on dear
i'll love you more
camp in a blanket
out by the shore

i promised you i'd never let you fall from my grasp
the moment your fingers slipped from mine
i should've turned back time
this heaviness in my chest
that burns when you turn your cheek
when you turn away from me
now i can't sleep anymore
i still see your face in my dreams
a shadow painted behind these sunken eyelids
i see you all the time
i see you everywhere i go

Took a moment to walk back and forth to forget your breath on mine
I told myself don't get attached
But I couldn't withstand the time
Round and round my head you go
Each time just hurts the worst
I fell for you
What's a kid to do
When the world feels so unkind

I was manic
I was caught up in a daze
You were all that I had left
But you were counting down the days
I swore I saw the corner of your lips
Curl up into a smirk
When I told you I couldn't love again
I'd loved so much
It hurt
I should've known the day we met
You'd feast on all my pain
The sadness I had come to know
Left a pattern on my brain
The games you'd play
The lies you'd say
But the way you'd hold me...
Until the day I walked away
I'd never let you do the same

sinister smile
that smirk you throw at me when you say something dreadful
about my dress
or my hair
or the way i laugh
that smirk you throw at me
in between breaths
when my breath smells like coffee and toothpaste
and you press your mouth on mine anyways
i'll always laugh

you mean so much
but i hate to say i love you
because it doesn't describe anything
it's all *******
i know
and i know i could live without you
but tell me
why the hell would i want to?

Don't tell me
That the words you speak
Are not sharp
And jagged
When
Your lips brush against my skin
And your whispers sink into flesh
Whispers that draw blood
I can't say no
Clenching words
Won't let me go

Hellish creature
My nightmare embodied in that smile

if i'm meant to endure today
the way i feel
might play along
pretend there is a purpose
a trick my mind plays on itself

does anyone really know
what it means to really know
or are some
just better at hiding
that they've never really known?

tell me that you'll never leave
but please don't stay too long
hold my hand when you walk with me
just not with sweaty palms
kiss me like i'm the only one
but god, you're smothering me now
just stop

love doesn't annoy
love doesn't hurt
love shouldn't even need to try
it's seamless and effortless
it should never make you cry

bend your fingers back
enough so the knuckle turns white
a pinch of pain
enough to let you know it's real
look at yourself in a mirror
and stare
for hours
analyzing
tearing apart the image you see
put the pieces in any other pattern
listen to the voices telling you
you're wrong
you're worthless
you won't amount to anything
let them overcome you

i am no martyr
i seek no knight in armor
i torment myself
to reassure myself
that i am not myself

Everything I had sought
To expel out
Had stayed within
Caught between my teeth and
Laced within my lips
Every word I tried to say to you
Became an utter
Silenced by the tension in the room
Shattered by my stutter
For now the silence has to do
For now I will just wonder
What would have happened otherwise
If I had told you sooner

i took a walk
across the plains
that scattered thoughts from branch to branch
all across the sky
i let them float around my head
outside my body
outside my control
the breeze picked them up
sent them dancing away
like clouds gently pushed
gently encouraged
gently
happily
away
i closed my eyes
leaned against the bark of a monstrous being
that carried my thoughts away in the wind
away into nothing
away into everything
away from me

i saw a flicker of light in the corner of my left eye
and i thought i was losing my mind
the window had been closed for quite some time
and yet the inkling of a sparkle tricked my vision
had an angel kissed my eyelid
and then fluttered away
realizing i was not who she had searched for?
i would never know
because that glimmer in the corner
could only be the headlights
of a car
turning the corner
onto my quiet neighborhood street
while i sit in the comfort
of my dark room
alone

Violent pangs
Reflective of the depth
And meaning of this living
It's not that I can control
It's that I can't
And here, I won't ever
It's a place where anything goes
But anything is judged before it goes
And then it never goes
Just rests in a grave with the rest of anything
A place where high spirits lay sordid
And broken
Pieces
Scattered
Amongst
Other
Brok-
En
Souls
I never was meant for this life
This obedience to the physical
Faith and captivity
Love and let go
You don't know me
The stories I've told
The stories I've been in
Look through these wide eyes
Break
The
Mold
And wonder
And wonder
And become
Anew

How strange are we? To think this feeling won't last for longer than the night. My hands are in yours, and yet I ponder. This can't possibly last forever. I need you more now than I should, more than any foolish girl should, more than any other petty desire, because at this point, all else seems terribly petty. Time is cruel and as our lives are set in motion, it creeps upon us without warning. I can make you see... This life of mine isn't perfect nor anywhere near, but I'm laying it out in the open, because I need for you to see me. I need you more now than I should, and I want to show you. I can show you that I won't leave, I'll never leave you. I'm all alone, spilling my burning heart out to you. I've fallen down, picked up the pieces and walked away unashamed, but for you, I'll stick around, stand idly for you to sputter the words I so desperately long for. I've bottled this fury and passion within me and I'm handing it over. Open your palms, take my hands, and we can flee this lonely town for good. Together we'll stop time. Together, we're immortal.

shady creature, you steal my soul
bottle the light and seal the hole
cloud my motive
blur my voice
static in a rush of noise
laying in the dark
shallow breath, my chest sinks through
my love is grey, yours so brand new

anticipating
no, i’m simply waiting
for a moment
steadfast
this moment just won’t last
grip it, grasp and don’t let go
a memory is all i’ve ever known

i'm holding my breath
waiting for your next move
i'm patiently waiting
just dying for the thrill
you're taking your time
i'm wasting all mine
on fixed empty words
another day
in a shifting life

i've lived enough
enough to know
that what you feel that's stored below
within your heart and mind and soul
the hatred that you must console
a warmth that lingers in your bones
a warmth taken up by cold
it's selfish to say
because it's no fault but my own
we wander paths of vivid difference
merging and colliding and falling away
i am no monster
no heart of stone
just lost and wandering
no place to go

crawling in my skin
my bones tremble, they shake
this medication isn’t enough
to wipe you from this slate
i found a new muse
a hole, i crawled into on my own
i sought solace in this place
but the wall’s are caving in
the rain pours now
i’ll drown or suffocate
but you’ll have no say
no, you won’t have your way
not today, no, rest your bones
i’ll find my own way

it's crazy how a single thing can flip you upside down
how a single thing can shake you sensless
turn the tables right around
i never meant to try to be a part of something else
i was confused when it was quiet
you were the only thing that sounded loud
everything once said to me that was tucked up in a sleeve
was all but broken and a memory
and that's all it's ever going to be
i was held up in a chokehold
a phantom pressed it's lips to mine
poison rushing on my skin
emotions running out of time
shadows lingered where i stood
fog never seemed to clear
and then one day, when least expected
a shadow disappeared
a few days have passed since that shadow left me
still my mind has turned to fear
but i can sense another presence
a radiance stays here
now the shadows no longer linger
quite as close as they had before
they still haunt me in the dead of night
but i'm no longer frightened to my core

if ever you wonder
if ever your heart should grow curious
for lust and love and spirit
electricity that splits the spine
a jolt of lightening
rushing through wide open veins
baby hairs standing on end
on the nape of your neck
a wave of cold sweat
dripping through your hair
moistens your back
if ever a moment passes
if ever you refrain from yelling loud
sing a melody
scream “i love you”
skip through a crowd of people
and smile
laugh
dance
and forget your worry
the temporary madness of yesterday
because you are static, ecstatic
you are wonderful

bury your burdens deep within
tucked down within your soul
"hell hath no mercy," they say to me
to me hell hath no toll
you're kicking stones and wasting time
a troubled kid, a troubled mind
lay down your weapons, come to me
your sins, i'll make them mine
give and take, then take some more
lessons never learned
i've fallen once, i'll fall again
this grave, there's no return

Our love
We let it grow and bloom
And wildly it did too
And smothered the earth with beauty
Joy
Laughter
Happiness
We let it grow beyond the garden we had set aside for it
The small picket fence was too weak to hold it inside
It grew so large I couldn't walk away from it without walking over it
Stepping on its leaves and branches
Breaking vines and twisting them around my ankles like chains
It grew so large I couldn't see past the hills anymore
Just garden
And vines
A mangled fence
I couldn't escape the love we let bloom and fester and **** around this lot
I thought it could never end
The thorns pricked my skin
A drop of blood rushed from my flesh
And I could never leave this garden
This parasite that never died
Simply grew old and burst from the soil again and again and again...
Love is everlasting
And love is forever
Love is all you'll ever know
And sometimes love is the only thing keeping you in the garden
Coming back to tend to those few blossoms that peek through the jagged-edged grass