I'll walk into my home smelling like cancer and tasting like death because I don't want you. I'm selfish. I want you to break up with me. I want you to be so disgusted by my habits that it breaks you down until you realize that I'm not going to wait for you to figure out that I don't need you. I need space and you're not letting me push you away. I need you to push away from me; break me apart so that I'll at least know you aren't incapable of feeling broken. I want you to leave me so I don't have to deal with you being broken because of me. I can't do it anymore. I've broken so many people, but for some reason I can't break you. So, I need you to break me.

maybe it's not what i'm saying
but rather, what's not being said.
perhaps you are more defensive, because neither of us are willing
willing to break down
willing to bow and respect
maybe there was no sense of respect in the first place
perhaps
just perhaps
we were not meant to be here.
perhaps i am in the wrong place, at the wrong time
and you are having an allergic reaction
you are swelling and your breathing turns ragged
your eyes turn red and everything hurts.

maybe i should have listened to you.
i should have stayed away.
i went to you, and i thought i was being an adult.
i thought i was making the right choice, but
your actions are screaming otherwise.

i walk in the room and your whole body
reacts to me.
you lean away, you stiffen, you are offended
by my existence.


maybe i am an enigma and you can't stand me,
maybe i am nothing more than a blip on your screen.
maybe we are not meant to be here
and maybe i should just leave.

would you miss me if i left?

Here's what's going to happen:
I'm going to kick. I'm going to scream. I'm going to hate you. I'm going to want you to cave and let me near you. I'm going to cry because you know I can't be near you, because I have Lost My Way; and I will hate you. I will fight. I will yell. I will be so stubborn, you'll wonder who this person even is. It is of utmost importance though, that you keep your distance. Be with me, but keep it during daylight hours. Don't let me descend into myself, I will stay there if you let me. I will wallow, and I will turn into a self-loathing human and I will sink deeper into depression. And I will do nothing to fight it. I will not want this. I will be bitter. I will be angry.

But please do not leave me. Talk to me. I will return to the person you love, and I will be back very shortly. I need to get a grip on my person as a whole, and I need to not be based on you. You are a human, separate from me. I want to spend my life with you, not because of you. You mean so much to me, and I hate putting you through the depressing hell I am raising. You deserve better.

Seriously. I hate that I do this thing, where I become an accessory of my own merit. I turn myself into your pet, your porcelain doll; you can do as you please to me, and I will not fight back. I will turn into a soulless human, and I will be useless. You deserve better.

Again, I wish I knew how to tell you this with my own mouth. I wish I knew how to deal with this on my own. But all reality is, I need you. I need you more than I need sleep. I just don't want to have to depend on you to be happy. Does this make sense? I'm sorry. I may be rambling again. Perhaps you'll be able to make sense of it. I don't know.

can we talk?
can we talk about how uncomfortable i am, when you put me in the middle of this?
can we talk about how i want to be there for you, but when you tell me there isn’t anything wrong, so  i can’t do anything?
can we talk about how you tell me not to worry, when worry is clearly etched onto your face?
can we talk about how you look at her during the day, or how you dream about her still?
can we talk about the way i want you, i want all of you? i want the pain, i want the hurt. i want you to feel safe in my arms.
can we talk about vulnerability, and how we’re kind of at a stand off?
can we talk about how i  wish that we were open about our past?

or is it just me?
am i hiding, am i making things up?
am i being cynical?
this has happened before.
is there something wrong with me?
i don’t want a pity party, i don’t want drama.
rule number one: no drama.

i don’t want her name to sit in your mind, it sits like a poison that seeps into your eyes and through your blood.
i can physically feel your pain, and there is absolutely nothing i can do about it.
what can i do, to keep this going? it hasn’t even been two months.  i feel threatened. i feel lost. i feel sick. i feel like something is wrong, and i can do nothing about it.

which is why i am staying home this week. i am staying away from you, until i can clear my mind.

i’m so sorry i have to do this for my own sanity. i’m sorry i let it get this confusing to me.


i’m sorry that i throw myself into a tizzy over little things like her.




i’m sorry i don’t know how to tell you all this with my own mouth.






i’m so sorry.

HOLD MY HAND
KISS ME WHEN I'M NOT LOOKING
COVER MY EYES WHEN YOU THINK I AM SCARED
RUN AWAY WHEN I START TO LOVE YOU
BREAK ME APART WHEN I THINK YOU'RE THERE FOR ME
STEP ON MY SHADOWS AND MAKE FUN OF ME BEHIND MY BACK
PULL MY STRINGS AND MAKE ME DANCE
MAKE ME FEEL THE MOST SCARED I HAVE EVER BEEN
TEAR UP MY RIBCAGE AND LET THE DUST ESCAPE THROUGH YOUR FINGERS
DARE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH ME

there it is
the familiar disconnect
saying
run
run far away
and never return

run from your responsibilities
run from the truth
run from your fears, they won't follow you
run from the lies, you deserve better anyhow
run from your friends, they don't need you
run from the light that keeps you warm
run from the freedom you did nothing for
run from place you call home, call it temporary
run from yourself,
recreate your mind
your body
your soul
you
you are now me
i am now you
and i am not who you were
just five minutes ago

i am a voice
a thought
the persona you wish didn't exist
i am the voice that leads you in the direction you should go
i am the voice that speaks softly to you in your sleep