What if my worst nightmare comes true?
What if I become what I most fear?
What then?
Do I end all, destroy all hopes of any kind of future and bring hundreds down with me?
Or do I embrace it, face the fear and ridicule and mockery and shame and embarrassment and the myriad of voices laughing, crying, screaming,
"I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU"

Fading away like the light of the sun
I can’t keep this smile up forever
Head pounding, heart racing, mind reeling
Does anybody truly live while they are alive?

We can’t keep playing these games.
I need to figure out what I’m doing to myself.
I ran away from my mistakes (problems)
And now they’re catching up to me.

You know I’ll always love you,
But right now I just don’t like you.
I miss the trust, the openness.
I miss the freedom, the space.

~x~

Why did you kiss me?
Why do you hold me, and tell me what I want to hear?
I wish I could do the same, I sincerely do.
But I think we both know that it’s not meant to be.
I realize that I did what I said I was never going to do:
I ran away when things got difficult
i was afraid, and I still am.
I lost friends because of ‘us’, and I can’t let it happen again.

these colors make me happy
Unlike these recent events
Thoughts of life I’ll never know
Color me dark with jealousy and Pain
But these feelings should not be here
'Cause these colors are much too bright
to hinder loving feelings on this lovely Monday night.
Unexplained realities slap me around
exasperated  voices crying out, begging to be seen
And still I sit and let my sad life pass me by.

Without a second thought, the words come flowing from my mind
Falling freely, all walls have come crashing down.
Expose, my words are not my own; they’ve all been said before
Just… not in the same order,think, hear or smell.
I think a day as simply myself would be sublime;
A day with no restrictions on my actions, thoughts and phrases
When I could burst into song in the middle of class
And no one will give it a second thought
My music will be the perfect Soundtrack
And my day will be recorded in movie and book fashion
But no one will think anything of it.
In my mind: I am a hero of the nations, yet still independant
I am a feline-esque ninja that can read emotions and body language at once
And I’m happy where I’m at
If only you could join me in my imagination, then you could see why
I’d rather be there than in this depressing world

Through a window
I see a wisp,
a phantom at which I can only gaze

My window,
Barred,
I desire which I had lost.

The ghost whispered;
I heard him,
but he was intangible

He sees me,
I hear his cries of agony
but I ignored his pleas

i lost him,
only for being
that in which i was.

Why had i run,
(to become who i am now)
yet i attempted to continue my rampage?

ignorant,
childish am i
for want of the lost.

the phantom watching me through the window,
laughed as i gnawed at the hole in my heart,
oblivious to the crimson sea around me

i sit and ponder.
what became of me,
when i ‘set him free”?

foolish am i
for want of the
improbable tale.

i cry behind walls
that conceal my truth,
but my phantom has always known.

abused, used,
thrown away was he,
by the ones he held so dear.

she fears his contempt,
and of failing to successfully communicate
her tangled thoughts.

has she opened Pandora’s box?

I never gave out those signs!
Snap out of it, you’re not making any sense.

I think I understand:
I can be happy with or without you,
I just realized that I can’t allow myself
To be dictated by you.

You better be the best friend I ever had.
Don’t pressure me; I’m not like that.
And agreement that can’t be met, I’m terribly sorry
I guess I’m an accomplice.

A date is a date, no matter the title.
I’ll not go to Prom; friends don’t go to Prom.

I’m just a kid.
No, I’m a young adult.
But I’ll never be what you want me to be.
I’m sorry.

"People freaked out when I ‘changed.’ Truth is, I didn’t change; I just stopped being what they wanted me to be."