there we were
in a café
enjoying each other's company

I looked to my right
and saw a Filipina lady
and a white man
eating their breakfasts silently

"she seems unhappy
and anxious"
I thought to myself

"*******?"
I asked my mother.
she says yes and nods.

I hope that one day
that lady won't have
to sell herself

to make a living.

I am a victim of my brain
Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth it goes.
It never stops.

Do I play nice to myself,
Or is it time for punishment?

Choose.
Choose, NOW.

No, you have to be gentle.
NO, you don’t deserve to be forgiven.
You hurt everyone.
NO. It’s all in your head.
NO. It’s not.
YES IT IS.
NO!

Count the number of people I hurt,
Tell yourself why you don’t deserve anything.

STOP PLEASE STOP…

Which voice in my mind will win at the end of the day
Is unpredictable.

But I need a happy ending to my day,
Or at least feel okay
Because everyone deserves a happy ending.
But do I?
NO.
Yes I do.
No you don’t.

FIGHT IT YES YOU DO.
You need to feel okay.
You are okay.
You’re okay.
You’re okay.
You are okay.

How I long to
grace her hips,
full of love and desire.

I want pull her in, slowly
like a tender lover would.
Then I'd gently hold
her face--
and tell her that I'm in love
with her.

But alas,
this is merely
a fantasy...
one which will never meet
the expectations
of those around her.

you left us
without even leaving.

she dreams of
being with girls

some are friends
some are new faces

and every time she
feels an attraction
to one of them

she wonders:
do I want all in,
or do I just want a taste?