Father
I've missed you
I understand it wasn't your choice
The more and more I learn about you
The more it seeps in as reality
In the middle of a personal search
To figure out who is "me"
I did the math and figured out
I'm right at the age that you got the doctor's shout
Nothing lasts forever
With or without
I keep hearing that you were a good man
I believe it
Never a doubt
I wonder what exactly you would expect from me
A father to a son
A father to another
I hope I've made you proud
Yet there is much work left
It's strange really
I'm more familiar with being called dad
Than ever calling someone dad
It's never happened actually
But I get it
In our small encounter together
I will keep you close
Forever
It doesn't matter that you left when I was small
I didn't know any better
You were half of my all
I won't hold it against you
It wasn't your fault
You helped me to see the importance
Of a father's part
I wish you were here
So I could talk to my dad
So I could tell you about everything
What I've done
Where I've been
Whom I've met
The man I have become
You or I never got asked for this
It's okay though
Without even really knowing you
I know I miss you
People are happy to meet me
Knowing I am your son
That is both of our faults
Because you were such a cool guy

When everyone is already broken
Is there ever a chance for a new start
When pointing fingers and passing blame becomes an art
Never owning up and never growing
Only dying on the inside
A young, dried up heart
The past won at murdering the future
and now you're lost in a familiar land
Loniliness and guilt are the only company you keep
And you befriend every bottle you meet
None of this is ever gonna change until you do

Nathan Pival 2018

I'm still surprised sometimes
By how alone I can still feel
Even when I'm surrounded by people who care
I catch myself wearing a fake smile around
So no one knows the face hidden beneath the mask
And that is why I'm alone
Because no one really knows what's going on
Even when I try to explain
I never feel satisfied that I succeeded
Sometimes
It's just me and my poetry

You acted like
You wanted a piece of my heart
And I offered it up

For some reason
You took all of it
Even though I thought
It was locked away
And safe

Point is
I want it back
I deserve that

I used to to wonder
As a child
What type of man
I would end up becoming

Now, as a man
I wonder where the child I was
Went to

Every instance of my innocence
That was abused
Taken for granted
Lied to or fooled
Ate away at the inner child

I know now
Of the man I've become
But sometimes
I miss the child I used to be

Looking up at the window
The best you have
Is hoping to fall asleep
But the best you have is memories
The light that crosses your ceiling
Wakes you up and reminds you
You gave up on something
That is down the block by now

Things aren't the same
It's in your eyes I can see
Your kisses are empty
I'd rather you left
Than ignore me

If you have something to say
Don't leave me in silence

What's the point of coming home
Only to be left alone?

This isn't a game I wish to play

Will falling in love
Ever make sense?
NOPE

Someone comes along
Logically, you get stupid
They will change
How you feel about everything

The fine lines you drew before
Won't be as fine anymore
The only thing you will care about
Is loving this person

Love does make you blind
But that is okay
It makes you blind to the *******
And says yes to happiness

You got me
After everything I'd been through
I wasn't a fan
I absolutely did not like that

I wasn't happy about being happy
If that makes any ****** sense
But I wasn't

You had a certain way about you
That I couldn't ignore
No matter how hard I tried

The way you smiled
Laughed
And how I would just see you being happy
Left me in a spot
That I couldn't escape
No matter how hard I wanted to or tried

I still don't like it
Because you have my heart
I am not okay with that
Even if I trust you
It doesn't make it okay

We're all weirdos
And subject to reality
No one can change
How you make me feel
When we are around each other

I worry though
That if it doesn't work out
I will never find someone else
That I share this same connection with

And I'm tired of saying this

When I was younger
I dreamt of you
You were always but a dream
Until the day we met
And I learned that you were true

Made to learn
That a dream can end up a reality
Our paths were meant to cross
One in billions
Like winning the lottery

I can only appreciate the moments we shared
If even brief compared to everything else
I learned of the possibilities
Of what true happiness really is

You taught me to smile again
To be proud of who I am
To not doubt myself
And for that
I forever thank you

The way the wind blows
The sound it gives
A memory of something missed
I miss how the sun shines
When it isn't
Whatever yours may be

I get angry
Or sad
Heartbroken and just broken
Over petty things I realize
But I have to let it go
And be reminded of the truth

Truth is something we all
Need to learn a little more about
We all love selfishly
And that's not love
We forget about what love
Is really supposed to be

We get too caught up in ourselves
We forget
About what really matters

Our babies
Our family
Our friends
We all forget sometimes
And that is okay
But try to remember
Before it's too late

Keep in mind
You are not by yourself
Even if it feels that way
There are people
(Friends, family, loves)
Remembering you

Don't let the anger and pain take hold
Remember the sunshine
When the sun's not shining
Because it will come back for you

Her state of being had reached into the depths
Back and forth between happiness and sadness
She had arrived at a state of melancholy

On the edge of her smiles
Always lingered a twist of melancholy
She was nervous about going all in
Because that was too much to lose

Her perpetual sadness gave her a beauty
Not to be appreciated by most
Yet the look she portrayed gave her a pureness
Unlike no other

Not deeply sad, but down
And any happiness was always shortly lived
Too much loss
Too many goodbyes
She was built upon broken things

Her melancholy smile and disposition
Was something only the real sweethearts and lovers could love
Because getting a smile from her was like gold

Hers was the attention worth fighting for

How absurd is it to believe in a thing called love?
It creates hope and despair
It could be for a certain band
Or the smell of someone's hair
It can get you killed
Or show you how to live
The hardest thing to try to define
Sometimes it can take a lifetime
It's tangible because you can feel it
You can see it
Taste it, touch it, smell it, and can hold it
You can hear it
We all know when it's gone
There are much more absurd things to believe in

Beautiful, yet broken
Not a lost cause
Just lost
Waiting for the right time
After so much wasted time
Wanting to love again
But not ready
Having survived
She wants to finally live
To find someone
That will hold her heart
With gentle hands
To leave the past behind
And start anew

The more you see
The more  you know

The more you know
The more it hurts

The more it hurts
The more you feel

The more you feel
The more you see

Why is so hard to find
When it's right in front of you
It rides on your back
And it's bringing you down
You keep hiding it like it's a secret
But it's as obvious as ever
You're so transparent
I don't see you anymore
All I ever wanted from you
Was one thing
In your eyes
You may feel it's alright
But the more you stray
The worse it gets
And you're getting so lost
No one will be able to help you
Find your way back
You're burying yourself
In a hole you keep digging
The respect I had for you
Is slipping away
You are imprisoning yourself
Behind a wall of lies
All I ever wanted was the truth
It will set you free

Kiss me
And take my mind away from here
Each kiss was an escape
A break from reality

Kiss me
And take my heart on vacation
Teach me how to forget
There has ever been pain

Kiss me
And tell me with your lips
What it means to touch
A wish on a star's tips

A kiss from you
Was nothing short of a rescue
The light they shown upon my path
Delivered me home

© Nathan Pival 2016

Such a mess sometimes
This thing we call life

When you realize so many things have gone wrong
And things have gotten to this point
Far from the original plan
You had
From the beginning when you were young
Carefree and innocent of life's harsh realities

Life made plans for you otherwise
And now, here you are

"That's life" people most likely said
They also probably told you to move on
Or some **** like that

But you can still keep working on
Finding your way back to
Getting your life back on that path
You want to walk

If I was to tell you
There was a way to love
That was right
I would be wrong

But I've been wrong
A lot

Sometimes you're wrong
And that doesn't make you wrong
But with love
We're only wrong
Until we're right

Which is most of the time

I don't know what I'm doing
And I don't expect someone
To put up with my *******
My pain or hurt
I am not that unique
And none of us are

Our pain is the only thing
That makes us universal
Yet we argue
And debate whose is greater

We are only human
And once adults, broken
Never lose your empathy
Or your own heart

But never,
I, repeat, never
Give someone's happiness
More value than your own
Besides your children

Tomorrow, is a day
With, or without sunshine
You can smile or not
But, I promise
That, is a choice

One of my dreams growing up
Was to end up being a father and a family man
When I heard you were on your way
Was one of the first wishes
I was ever granted

I missed most of your first year
Because I was overseas
Although not a day went by
Without you on my mind

I came home
And watched you grow
Your smile and laughter
Reminded me of the innocence
I had lost while I had been gone

I may have not been the perfect father to you
But you have been the perfect son
You taught me how to be patient again
How to love and let someone in
There were times when I felt
You were the only one that understood me
And you were just a little baby

When you came into the world
Everything became a little more scary
Reality and priorities changed
Because I had to protect you from the evils
You also gave me hope
That the world wasn't that bad off
Because it had people like you in it

You patted my back when I was sad
You told me, "Everything is going to be alright, Dad"
You meant it and I believed you

I call you "future man" all the time
But the truth is,
You are a better man than most I've met

I am here for you
Always and forever
I am trying to be the man
For you to emulate

As I watched you walk away
I knew things were about to change

We had passed the point of no return
And there was no fixing things this time

I thought about pleading with you
But kept my dignity instead

It would have been for naught anyways

Out the door you ran and left
I felt like a stranger in my own home

To be honest
I tried to keep things
Slow, with you

I knew where you were in life
And that you were looking for
Someone to save you
I can be that man
But I have my own life
To fix

I sincerely do love you
And I want what's best
For you and me
For the first time ever
I realize that I am probably
The best person for someone
And that person is you

I feel myself getting spread thin
And I wonder
Can I do this again?

I understand your restriction
At falling in love again
But you did this
I have given you my heart
It can't be broken again
Because I refuse
You deserve to be happy
The biggest obstacle in front of you
Is what you choose

There was nothing I could do
To prevent
Falling for you
I tried and ridiculously failed
All I can do is be there
For you

Although being in love
Was something I missed
I wasn't looking for it
Now that I am reminded
It just seems like too much to lose

But I can't help it with you

All I can promise is my best
I may stumble or slip
With the best
Comes the rest
Good for a laugh or a cry
Today or tomorrow
I will be here
I promise my best
At being me
If you want me for me
Then I am yours
If you should ever decide
That you don't want me
Or desire me anymore
Don't be mean
Don't be vindictive
Don't make it my fault
Just take my hand
And say goodbye
Parting ways
With no hurtful or hateful words
Able to remember the good times we had
Without the fighting and screaming
The sadness won't be hidden
I'll wonder what went wrong
And why the magic is gone
Especially if we are still getting along
Sometimes it's best to move on
Apart

We've all been through pain
It hurts and sometimes scars
Scars make us stronger
Only to live on

Sometimes it's hard to find
The time
To be kind
Always about what's mine
Tightroping a fine line
A dinner better cooked than dined
It's not my fault
I drank too much wine
Maybe that's a sign
To slow down
Weigh options
Value to pound
King, no crown
Sometimes
The best music
Has no sound
What we want
Is sometimes lost
Then found
Who we hold we hold close
Make up what matters most
Stand up and be
Let rhythm rhyme
Let freedom be free

None of us
Want to acknowledge
Getting older
But there comes a time
When it's unavoidable

Waking up early is never fun
But once it's painful
You know
The aches and pains that weren't earned
Are here to stay

Sometimes it's just realizing
The world is different
A moment to consider
What the hell happened
What did I miss?

Understanding that you were there
Through the entire span
And that much time
Passed and eluded you
Walked up to your doorstep
Knocked, and said
"Hey, I hope you hadn't forgotten about me!"

*******!!!  
Ten years have blown by
Just like that!?!
After the initial shock is gone
It makes sense
The aches and pains were earned

There is a reason the days pass differently
Getting a little older
Comes with it's own blessings

When things fall apart
It's too easy to judge
Point a finger
Blame them
Shift the weight
Off your plate
By the time you quit steaming
It will be too late

Take responsibility
And own up
To the steps you took
Down the wrong path
Sometimes it's better to look back
So you can retrack
Fix your steps
Instead of stepping on a mine
Quit wasting time

Easier to blame
Than understand
Waiting to argue
Rather than listen
You have the patience of a kitten

All your energy
Used on fighting
Something as credible
As a bigfoot sighting

It's better to stop fighting
And stop and think
No one is perfect
All of our **** stinks

You were Fire and Ice
Naughty and nice
Loving you hurt
I couldn't be helped

Sometimes,

The most simple things
Will confuse and lose the mind

Yet another reason
We all

Search for our place
In the madness

I think it's hard for others to see
But it's not

Things remind me daily
Of the pain I've been through

I don't want to be here
But I do

Sometimes I just want to be far away
From the pain I still see

That pain that goes through me

I thought others can't see it
But they do

Taken
Stolen from me
With my guard down
I let it happen

I gave up willingly

As a man
I try to be strong
I carry many burdens
Upon my shoulders they rest

I don't let my guard down
For just anyone
I don't let everyone in
I especially
Don't hand my heart away willingly

For you, I have
No regrets
That is how it should be
You've unchained me

The walls I had built
To protect me from harm
Only left me imprisoned
Yet they crumbled
With your charm

You make me feel
Like anything is possible
Dreams aren't something
Only when you're asleep

Sometimes, they're granted
Once reality and heaven meet

Columbus, Ohio
You're doing good things for me
An educated glance would say
You're not a bad city
Same **** as any other bigger city
But people seem kind

I ride my bike to work
It's not far
Not much trouble
Drivers are mostly considerate
And I am as well
There are a few *****
But
I understand
Some people can't forget about themselves

People seem kind
Happy for the most part
Maybe something is going on here
Young people seem more wise
Older people seem more patient
Maybe it's just me

I do really want to know though
Why does it smell like **** sometimes?
Because I ride a bike
I really have to deal with it
It's funny to an outsider
But not when you get a mouthful

Everyone's **** stinks
But **** Columbus
Can we do something about that?

I smoke too much
I drink too much
I don't sleep enough
Balanced diet?  Ha
I don't exercise enough
But, this is the perspective of others
I don't just survive
I live
I feel
I do what it takes
To wind the clock to keep on ticking
Still young at heart
Even though I know time is flying by
Never to be replaced
No matter how busy
Or tired
Or burnt
I still take time to notice the wonderful things
Big or small
They are what keep me moving
And keep me
Young at heart

An infinite joke was played upon me
When I realized paradise
Was nothing more than but a dream
The illusion feigned proof
Distorted my reality
Blinded to the truth
Overwhelmed by too much of what I feel
Unaware of my inability to see
Beyond my own hopes
Of making this dream corporeal

We can't escape our fate
But it's never too late
To reconciliate
And choose to love
Instead of hate

When burned
It's easy to judge
But no one is perfect
And life is too short to bear a grudge

Beware the beef capes
That ***** will fly away
Like the ***** villain
Just chillin'
That ***** I'm fillin'
But my soul she'll be killin'
One more
Or I'll be killin'
Can't escape it
Don't debate it
Just one more
Till she's mine

But no
These seeds I sow
As she chokes me out
I know better
But you know me the best
Tell me what I want to hear
To take the pain away
Tomorrow will come
Another day

Another way
Take my time
But don't take away
The passion I have today
The love and compassion
Runneth over from my heart
An end is a beginning
Not a finish
But a new start

Empty my heart
This impedance I give into

I understand
All of our time is short
What it means to say goodbye
Is something we all only learn
Once someone is gone

The good and the bad
Happy and sad
The proud and the frown
Waiting and wanting
Sitting and forgetting

What matters is being a good person
And knowing how to say goodbye

Goodbye

When I met you
You were broken into a million pieces
Yet I still loved you
In your broken state

I never expected perfection or even wanted it
I accepted you for you
You were human
So very human

I held your heart
In your broken state
So very carefully

I held your hand
In your broken state
So very tenderly

I held you
In your broken state
As lovingly as I could
Because you needed to be loved

I gave you my heart
In your broken state
So you didn't have to feel so alone

In this world that breaks beautiful things
I still found you the most beautiful
In your broken state

The other day
A friend asked me why life had to be so difficult
My response was that it was never meant to be simple
Life is just a lesson we may never fully learn

A constant struggle
Caught between heartbreak and love
Not only surviving, but living
Being kind and forgiving

Life is difficult because that is what makes us wiser
It teaches us to appreciate
The small things
The beautiful things
The overlooked things

The sound of the wind through the trees
Or crickets on a summer's night
Training pedals removed, skinned knees
Learning to get back up again
After being knocked down

Life is difficult because nothing worth having is ever easy
It's the fight that makes the time to smile that much more beautiful
It's the crying that makes us grow inside and even out
Taking life for what it's worth

A smile holds as much value as a frown
As up is to down
Life is sometimes hard
And sometimes it's easy
But it's always what you make it

We were apart and you were gone
That much was true
I never knew if it was permanent or temporary
I kept catching myself looking for you

Getting along without you, day to day
Wasn't anything especially difficult
We hadn't had a falling out
And I knew you were out there still
I just kept catching myself looking for you

Every time something made me particularly happy
I would want to share it with you
Even though I knew you weren't there
Whenever I felt sad, I would look for your support
Even though I knew you weren't there
Many times, I just sat there telling myself
"Everything is going to be okay"

I missed you and you became a perpetual daydream
More than I was comfortable admitting
I often pondered if you missed me as often as I did you

Our last kiss was savored
I knew at the time
There may never be another
The memory is vivid
As my lips touched your lips

As I write these words
I still wonder about you and how you are doing

The fire you lit inside of me still burns
Always offering some help finding your way back
Should you ever decide to tend the fire

I will always look for you
Because it is you that I am missing

Feeling lost sitting at home
I've been on autopilot so long
I'm making tracks in my carpet
Nothing but a figurative circle

I keep telling myself
It will be okay
It's only temporary
You are not alone

And I know
This is just how life is sometimes
But that doesn't take the pain away

Sometimes you don't even need a reason to hurt
Your brain just starts to send the wrong signals
I am writing right now and it doesn't matter if it *****
I am speaking to no one and to everyone
Just to not feel so alone

I'm not afraid to cry
But I'm tired of feeling like crying
It's a melancholy thing I suppose
And even if it doesn't feel good
I'm still appreciative of the ability to feel

This isn't a matter of actually being alone
I just feel like a stranger in my own skin
People are trying to help me
And I'm not denying it

It's only temporary, right?

Bleeding Laughter

Because of a lass
I sat in the grass
And a piece of glass
Cut my ***
Possibilities were teaming
But my **** is bleeding
She is screaming
So much for dreaming
There could be hope
But I'm a dope
I keep on swimming
Without a boat
Doesn't matter
As long as I stay afloat
You may think this is just a joke
That I wrote
But it's more of a *****
Than a poke
I can assure you
This is just a poem
Straight from my dome

They have our backs
Drive us crazy
Judge us but love us
Sometimes
They are the most ****** up people
We will ever meet

People walk into
Sometimes run into
Our lives
Let them in
Or let them go

Family isn't like that though

Some of them are crazy
And you gotta love them
Some of them are *******
      Including myself, sometimes
And you gotta love them

In the end
They're still family