i once met a girl
who loved to sing.
to others she was not a well singer,
but to me it was lovely
phrases that floated off of her tounge.
i look up at sky and stare off into space,
knowing that she is looking at the
exact same picture.
i hope to one day meet you in person,
because you are one unique little girl, Gabrielle Marie.
i have known you for quite some time,
and i feel as though you understand where i come from.
you know how to make me happy,
and you know when i feel angry or calm.


it is magnificant to know that you are miles
and miles
away from me,
and yet somehow you get me.

i know one day from now, i will eventually meet you in person.
i will hug you
and squeeze you
and kiss your face,
and i will tell you what you need to hear.
i will tell you that i will never find anyone quite like you.
for you in my eyes,
are
breathtaking.

{-m.j.}

made by me.

he had just texted
me saying that he read
the letter i wrote him
over five times.
he said he could not stop
smiling,
and that he wants to change
to be a better boyfriend to me.
he fails to notice that i
don’t want him to change,
because when people change
they figure out that they are better off
with someone who is one hundred percent
stable;
im about seventy nine percent.
im almost there baby,
just a little longer.
i am so ******* glad you
are changing to get better,
it’s been too long and there were too many
stormy-eyed nights
and its finally time for a
starry-eyed night.
we are doing so good;
we are flowing more than we ever did.
and im thankful for that,
i guess.
when you first met me,
you were a shady mess,
a mess that you thought was
unfixable.
i told you that i wouldn’t leave your side,
and i stuck to my word.
i tried fixing you the best i possibly could,
and kind of succeeded.
i wanted to fix you by phone calls
and late night texts,
explaining to you how much i love you.
i wanted to save you,
i still do.
i wanted to be that person to help you
no matter what time it is.
but from my perspective,
that is not how i helped you.
i had helped you in the most
humble way;
just by being me.
it’s a known fact that you love me,
*** doesn’t need to prove that.
and i guess that since you were able
to detach yourself from your sadness,
and attach yourself to me,
made you better.
i know you are terrified of losing me,
but i really ******* hope you know,
I will still be in love with you even if you
killed me at point blank range.


// {m.j.}

some are hidden by
baggy, old sweatshirts,
loose gray sweatpants,
long sleeves,
and jeans.

some are hidden by
****** makeup jobs,
bracelets,
and bandaids.  

some are hidden by
the dark nights
and cold winters,

by leather jackets
and over-sized sweaters
and leggings
and pajama pants
and high socks.

but some
cannot be
hidden
at
all.

{-m.j.}

its been so long
since i last seen your face,
that i almost didn't recognize you.
i notice that you wore a big sweater,
striped and made of knit.
and you had on a lot of mascara,
with your long blonde hair pinned back.
your hazel eyes tired and longing for sleep
because you stayed up all night
waiting for me to show up.

and today,
i run into your arms
like we never even left each other.

you thought i hated you,
but sweetie,
it's impossible to hate you.
i can't wish for anyone else to be my best friend.
we've been through a lot.
more than most best friends.

but when i pulled up to your house,
you did not know who i was.
i guess some things were forgotten,
but i never imagined that you would forget me.
Katie, i am not as close to you as i was.
i will miss you.
goodbye, stranger.

{-m.j.}

i fell in love with a writer. i will forever be in her world, even way past her death. i don't exactly know why i fell in love, or how i managed to do so, but i do know that i am perfectly okay with doing so. sometimes, when she looks at me, i am able to picture myself in her bed on my worst nights, and she by my side, holding me the entire time as i shake with fear and anxiety. and somehow, in those milliseconds when i look into those unkept swimming pools of eyes, i get lost and i forget who i am. she knows me like the map of veins on the inside of her wrists; she fathoms me in an unexplainable kind of way, more than anyone else, honestly. my sentences are not making any sense but i really dont care. i know she will read this. i know because i am purposely going to send her this link and she is going to let her eyes travel over each word that is typed.

okay let me start over.

how do you tell someone that they are all you want? that the dreams give you a craving that must be eventually put into words so they could possibly be put into action? i probably do not know what i am talking about. i went insane looking for her. i guess a part of me will always be insane, regardless of whether or not she plays a part in it. but, i do know this: i want her to be. i want her to drive me insane and i want her to push me to my limits. i dont want to just feel love for her. i want it all. i want the hate, the tears, the heartbreak, the pain, the joy, the angst, the lust, the melancholy, the happiness, everything. i want every emotion that comes with being in love with her. i want the hell, the heaven, and the purgatory. i want the planets in her veins and i want the constellations that linger on the edge of her lips so that every time i kiss her, i taste galaxies and nebulas. i want every ******* metaphor. i want every ******* reality. i dont know, i want so much; i am putting myself out here for her and i still dont even fully fathom whether or not she wants the same. i mean, i think she does? maybe, maybe not. it is yet another mystery i must learn to solve over time. i cannot go two feet without bumping into some piece of her. when i go out to get coffee, i imagine her sitting in that café right next  to me, reading a book she bought for fifty cents at a yard sale. i can imagine her in the most obscure places; walking next to me in the grocery store, staring at the puppies through the window of the pet shop on main street, in the mall with me dying to try the new hot chocolate at starbucks, buying cheap shampoo at the dollar store because we are going on some sort of three day adventure to anywhere. i see her everywhere. i feel her everywhere. i crave her everywhere. and this letter may make me seem out of my mind, but oh ******* well.
some things we dont talk about. we simply dont have to. i think that there is a mutual understanding between us for some things. to be honest, i didn't only fall in love with a writer. i fell in love with someone who holds many titles: lover. poet. dreamer. thinker. listener. talker. adventurer. brand new day. she is so much. she is an arbutrary holiday that is dying to be celebrated. her bones are filled with wanderlust, and she makes a mean hot cocoa. there is always a lovely way to look at her. even the distance between us is equally as beautiful as the distance between stars.

she is the perfect combination of subtle and mysterious, all while making it seem as though she is an open book waiting to be read by the loveliest pair of brown eyes. she is a universely misunderstood paradox, and she has the capability of making you think twice about what you are going to say, even without opening her mouth. she is a foreign film so full of incomprehensible words, yet you can fathom everything about her if you actually take the time to get to know her. she can make you fall for her just by closing her eyes and making a wish at 11:11pm. she makes you contemplate the meaning of life, and she can paralyze you all while batting one eyelash. she is the feeling of a warm blanket on a cold december night, and she is the cool breeze that caresses you on a humid july afternoon. she is that new song you hear in the coffee shop but will never know the name of, even though you will spend innumerous nights searching for it on the internet and in record stores. and oh god, if only she had the oppertunity to see herself from my perspective- she would fall in love with herself just as easily as i did for her. for she has never encountered a love like this likewise of squeezing into last year's prom dress. every single day, she will make my heart beat indefensibly faster and faster. and she will continually wonder why i fell for her, and eventually she will understand why it was simply her who occupied my vacant heart even though my bed was preoccupied by broken promises and empty words. she gazes at me skeptically, yet understandingly. and i will never stop trying to let her know that i ******* love her until it is nothing short of crystal clear. i will never get used to her; she changes over time and so do her thoughts and emotions and perspectives and opinions. i will never fully fathom her, but god knows i will ******* try. and every single day, i will love her more than the last. and she will continually wonder why i dedicate so much to her, for her, and about her. the entire ******* world knows about her. she is all i ever write about lately, and it soothes yet annoys me at the same time because she is always on my mind. i have waited a lifetime for her to love me, and i would patiently wait another if it meant that she will one day be the first eyes that i see when i wake up on sunday mornings.
god only knows what is hiding in her weak and fragile heart, in those glassy and lost eyes. and although she has the tendency to change her religions, it does not lessen the fact that she the universe in her soul.

so this is my letter about the girl i fell in love with. she is the only girl i have ever fallen for, and she has made me see the world from a different perspective. and i cannot even thank her for giving me the oppertunity to become like this. i dont know, maybe i am insane, but all the great artists were; hemingway, einstein, twain, poe, cobain, the list goes on and on.

maybe this time things will be better than they were.
maybe this time you can be the girl i write about who sneaks into my bedroom late at night to spend even five minutes together.
maybe you can be that girl who admires me from afar.
maybe you can be that girl who writes love letters to me and drops it off anonymously at my house at ten in the morning, and once i read it i already know who it is from by your handwriting.
maybe this time you will fall harder and deeper for me than you did before.
maybe this time we will find peace,
and maybe this time every single memory of ours that we make will last for decades.


i love you.*


{m.j.}

1.. I remember way too many small details about people so I have to act dumb sometimes so I don’t freak them out.

2. I’m really boring and awkward if I’m not comfortable with you.

3. If we can’t joke around with each other, we can’t date.

4. I love forehead kisses and warm hugs.

5. Things I want but won’t ask for:
-good morning/night texts
-pictures/ candids of us
-surprises, even the little ones
-visiting and bringing favorite food (or coffee)
-a hoodie that smells like you
-really long hugs
-piggyback rides
-slow dances in the middle of the kitchen
-sincere compliments (I might disagree with you, but it still means a lot to me)
-real, deep conversations about everything and nothing
-“gentlemanliness”
-comfort and patience (I get sad and I’m stubborn)
-tell me when, and how much you love me
-flowers
-cuddling
-picking me up and kissing me (especially for photos)

6. I tend to get sentimental often - you will know when and why you are loved.

7. I will get very defensive over myself, and you when with others.

8. I will want you right next to me holding my hand at church sometimes. (Even though I’m not religious)

9. Sometimes I get in trouble and won’t be allowed to hang out.

10. I write. So expect me to write about you, me, us, and some things we do together. (And expect me to want and keep the materialistic things.)

11. I know I am thin, but having an eating disorder makes me think otherwise. Scars don’t help either. So swimming won’t happen for a while.

12. Baby steps. I am not rushing into anything.

13. Little post-it notes left in my locker from you would make my day so much better. I’ll give you the number and combination.

14. Saturdays are the best days to stop by and surprise me.

15. Be spontaneous. Be spontaneous. Be spontaneous.

16. With time, I will eventually fall in love with you. And you will too.

17. Medium iced caramel coffee, extra cream, two Splenda, and an extra shot of caramel. (If you ever want to surprise me.)

18. I’m old-fashioned. Letters, phone calls, dates, movies, dinner, breakfast, Friday night football games, city nights, art, pumpkin picking on Halloween, walks, coffee dates (I’ll drink the coffee), the beach, concerts, film festivals, couch-cuddling. Spontaneous.

19. I tend to not like myself a lot.

20. Meet my family. Nothing will happen if you don’t meet them. They need trust.

21. I need trust and acceptance. You know my issues.

22. If you ever plan to make me yours, do it in a really really cute way. It’ll be so important to me.

i hope you see this and realize how much
you have hurt me.
how much you have ripped the tears from my eyes
and thrown them to the cement ground.
i told you i loved you,
and instead of saying it back to me,
you walked off and asked me why i did.
you took everything from me,
and ran off with my feelings.

i believe in forgiving and not forgetting.
but i always seem to forgive you too often.
i let you slide countless of times,
and you stole even more.


i'm sorry i could not live up to your expectations.
but i am not perfect,
and neither are you.

i hope you are happy
with what you have imprinted on me,
because i am tired and foolish for meeting you.
i am done and so are we.
i gave you chance after chance,
and i guess i ran out of oppertunities to give.
maybe you will realize what has happened.
or
maybe
you
won't.

{-m.j.}

10/20/14
I have learned something over a long period of time, and it just so happens to be that no matter how many texts I send to you, and no matter what words I speak, its hopeless that you will listen to me. But, nevertheless, I will still try and get a response from you.
I know nothing I say will make a difference, but hey, its worth a try, right?. Well, I hope you know I did love you. I guess a part of me will always love you, just like it does for everyone I've ever met. I have never been in love with someone so much as to them be infatuated with me. I have never fully given myself to them because I know what heartbreak is, believe me. I know how it's like a hurricane inside your chest and how it omnipresently tries to collapse in on itself to feel pain. I know what its like. You know it just as well as I do.

What I have also learned over the course of you ignoring me, is that: just because someone didn't love you the way you wanted them to, doesn't mean they didn't love you with everything they had. And until we have seen someone's darkness, we don't really know who they are. Until we have forgiven someone's darkness, we don't really know what love is. Remember how I told you I have insomnia, along with a whole other list of problems? Well, I learned to fall asleep. I used to thumb through old messages and it just made my heart ache even more than it already did, so I erased them. It hurts so badly to keep everything inside me so of course I'm going to let it all out. I cling onto memories of people and What-Ifs and the unknown and its all just utterly insane of me to do so, so I'm stopping. Sometimes, we believe that this world is an indistinguishable shade of gray, when in reality, its more black and white than we expect it to be. I was not happy with who I was, so I'm changing.

This has nothing to do with you, my whole changing situation. All there is left too do, really, is forgive and forget. I have already forgiven you for saying what you did to me. I always knew that you weren't mine to keep. That is why I kissed you an extra thousand times and told you that it was just a bad habit of kissing you repeatedly. That is why I always gazed an extra few seconds before I looked away and that is why I stayed up lay all those nights because I was too busy worrying about you than to get any rest myself. I had tried so hard to memorize every curve and every freckle on your body and the amount of pressure you use when you hugged me tightly, so that when you left I would not forget what it was like to be with you physically. I listened closely whenever you spoke words to me so I would be able to replace them in my mind whenever I was in need of them on one of my bad nights. That is why I always told you that I loved you and whenever I said so I hug you as tight as I possibly could even when I was crying in your arms behind the bleachers and you had no idea what the reason was for. Your body had pressed against mine and I can feel your fragile shoulders press against my chest. I knew that your scent would linger on my body long after we kissed goodbye. I had a feeling that one day when I woke up you were not going to be there and therefore I would be exceptionally upset, to the point of mental breakdown. So I took up your arms in your hug and I continue to cry even though you had no idea why such a storm fell from my eyes. and oh God do I wish that I could have told you at that moment why I was crying because i know that you wrapping your arms even tighter around me would be the equivalent to me taking a trip up to heaven and never coming down again. And sometimes things in life are simply built just so they can break and I guess that human hearts are the exact same thing with the exact same concept. I knew that your arms are not mine to keep and therefore I had felt very selfish to be held by them as I cried silently. You know, we have both been through undeniably tragic heartbreaks, and yes I know this is one of them. And now I am deeply starting to wish that I had never memorized the shape of your body or the touch of your skin because I have come to the realization that I could never forget you.

Even if you think that I lied to you I just want you to know that I never did. No matter how many times I have ****** up in my life, you were not part of any cycle. You are not an experiment, or a little game that I could play, or even a dare from one of my friends to try out. No, you are so much more than that. And if you fail to realize that I loved you, then that is on you. Like I have told you before, I loved you the best that I possibly could and if that is not enough for you then I'm afraid that that is your problem.
Lies are beautiful. The truth is what's ugly. But you see, the thing is, there was not one lie when I told you that I loved you. And if that makes it ugly, then so be it.

I apologize if there are a few words or phrases that have been mispelt in this letter to you.  I apologize for a lot of things, but I do not apologize for loving you. And that is a fact.

~meghan julia.

"Ammiro."


Adore me.
I don't want you to call me a fragile daffodil, or a wondrous contingency.
Don't call me a beautiful mess, and don't you dare compare my bones to Monarch butterfly wings.
Because once you create this symphonious masterpiece of an opinion about me, I will come back and scratch at the enamel in your mouth until all of your teeth fall out like a diabetic third grader.

Adore me.
Call me an elegant catastrophe, one that gracefully glides across body maps with oceans as fingertips.
Call me ravishingly fragmented because we both know I was never able to put myself completely back together after my own shadow up and left me.
Say that I am the entire universe with bruises on my feet from always being barefoot.
Call me a rythmic risk; compare me to the tallest evergreens in a forest of naked branches and old souls.
Hell, you can even compare my big brown eyes to stain-glass cathedrals in the hallways of vineyards, if that's what you fancy.
You can tell me I'm moon dust on Jupiter, but don't paint me into a Picasso piece of art, because I am the furthest of such.
See me for all of my imperfections.
Want me for those, and everything in between them, and the moon.

Adore me.
I know no other soul who has called me "pretty" and I never flinched.
I don't care about any of the letters in the alphabet except for the ones that spell your name -
A.M.M.I.R.O. -
That's Italian for "admire".

Adore me.
I want to hear you tell me that you promise to infinitely **** up my lipstick whenever you see me.
Tell me about every person you have ever been in love with, and why you were ever in love with them.
Tell me about the first time you felt the weight of heartbreak.
Tell me when you used your words as weapons against someone you never thought you would.

Adore me.
Because every so often there are wars going on in the one place where my sanity resides.
And let me tell you that it's like birthing nuclear bombs in the mosque of my soul.
So I would like you to adore me enough to maybe ******* stay when I spit venomous blasphemy at the world off of my never-been-Holy tongue.
But maybe my anger for what the world has done is commendable -
maybe my uproar is me emerging from the cage of everything negative that kept me prisoner for all of these years of my life.
Maybe it's my freedom pushing its way through my bones.

So adore me,
because this is the sun rising inside of me.
And I want to be able to stand next to you and hold your hand as you smile that smile of yours down at me.

This is the part where I am reborn.


- Meghan Julia   /   /   { m.j. }

You can't tell me I made you happy. Because after every fight you end up hurting and that is not happiness. Happiness is not smiling at a text and thinking of that person all day long. It is not writing letters and poems and dedicating songs about them. That just plays a part in happiness. Happiness, my love, is actually being with them. It's seeing them with a light in your eyes that you've never had before. It's laughing when they say a stupid joke, and crying when they are in pain. It's smiling when they say your name and it's when you're laying in your bed at night staring at the ceiling with the widest grin painted across your face. It's knowing they'll answer you back when you text them right away. It's when you can feel your heart literally beating a thousand miles a minute when they call you. Happiness is when you are at peace with yourself and when you can tell yourself that you deserve them. It's when you know they love you because they show it through little things. Like telling you to wear your seatbelt, or telling you not to forget to have a great day in school. Happiness is when you can always count on them to tell you the truth, no matter how bad it is. Happiness is when you can emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically feel yourself falling in love with them. **

{m.j.}

that old rose you gave me
at the dance
now lies
in an old book i kept for many years.
the smell has disappeared
and the color is long gone;
kind of like our love.
the hopeless nights without each other are gone,
and the energy has disappeared.
our skin touching one another's
has been missing for months.
and of course,
foolish me,
seem to be withering away
as well.

{-m.j.}

Is is literally four a.m.
And I am texting you
Right now at this very
Moment. I asked you
What was on your mind
But you said nothing.
And all you asked me in
Return was "And you?"
But I didn't have the
Heart to say
"You."

{m.j.}

why?

you are so ridiculous. you think i ******* leave you purposely? you try living in my ******* world for once. most of the time when you text me, im in TEARS.
1. i have asked for honesty
2. i have asked for being straight up
3. i have been here for you
4. i have calmed you down
5. i have saved you some times
6. i have always answered you when i was capable of doing so
7. i have stayed up with you
8. i have cried with you
9. i have bled for you
10. i have panicked for you
11. i have ******* worried countless of days and nights hoping you were okay
12. i have talked you out of ****
13. i have called you numerous times to make sure you were okay
14. i have been honest with you
15. i have ******* been there for you when you werent even here for me
16. i have exhausted all of my ******* energy into you
17. i have told you to wear your seatbelt bc somebody loves you
18. i have gotten in trouble for you
19. i had my hopes up for you to come here and you never did
20. i have asked nicely and REPEATEDLY for nicole to get the **** out of this
21. i have done SO MUCH FOR YOU. And this is the **** i get. this is the ****. this ******* list can go on for HOURS. i have BEGGED you to love me. i have BEGGED you to comfort me. to listen to me. to trust me. to be HONEST with me. im laughing because i guess i just wasnt ******* enough for you. i was not ******* enough. you know, i would have ******* died for you. and i guess in a lot of ways i did.

so dont you ******* dare tell me that im not trustworthy because i have been here for you since day one. and you have the nerve. and dont turn this **** on me when you're the one who turns your back and blames me for the **** you do.

why couldnt you cut her out of your life in the dating way? that is all i have ever asked for. and you know that. you know just as much as everyone else that i knew you were lying when you said you weren't with her. do you know how many nights i spent trying to drown myself or cut myself or swallow pills JUST because you told me you were killing yourself? i DESTROYED my insides for you. i destroyed my social attitude because you were all i focused on. you you you you. always you.
"is he okay? where is he? is he eating? is he sleeping? is he breathing??"

you. it was always ******* you. i lost friends over you. i lost my sanity over you. i went insane looking for you among the faces i saw daily. every ******* time we went somewhere i would look at all the houses and say to my dad driving our car "is he here? what about that house? dad pull over i think i saw someone who looks like him".

you know what. i just cant do this anymore. i have been here and there and this has happened and that has happened and the list just goes on and on. obviously she is hella important otherwise you would not be arguing with me right now. you would accept that you ****** up and move on. but yet you continue to fight me when we we both know you were wrong. you should have left her. i dont care if y'all are dating or not. **** happens. im okay with that. im just done showing that I care because once AGAIN, it all.goes.to.****.

im done fighting the same losing battle with you. you're bio. her bio. your life. her life. your relationship. her relationship. dont i matter? dont i count? where do i come in? yeah we had a good ******* time. but i died for you in so many ways. i really did. and you were so oblivious to it. i looked at you like you put the stars in my sky. now my sky is dark. there is nothing left and it is a shame. because im not happy. and neither are you. we never work out. we always fight. we always end up hurting each other. you have her. you love her- and dont even tell me you dont. i let myself get my hopes up too often. and they all just come crashing down. but that is okay.

because i know what we are,
and i know what we are not.

{m.j.}

She be my queen
Since we were sixteen
We want the same things,
We dream the same dreams,
Alright (alright)

I got it all
'cause she is the one
Her mum calls me 'love',
Her dad calls me 'son',
Alright (alright)

I know, I know, I know for sure

[2x]
Everybody wanna steal my girl
Everybody wanna take her heart away
Couple billion in the whole wide world
Find another one 'cause she belongs to me

Na na na na na na (oh, yeah)
Na na na na na na (alright)
Na na na na na na
Na na

She belongs to me

Kisses like cream,
Her walk is so mean
And every jaw drop
When she's in those jeans,
Alright (alright)

I don't exist
If I don't have her
The sun doesn't shine,
The world doesn't turn,
Alright (alright)

But I know, I know, I know for sure

[2x]
Everybody wanna steal my girl
Everybody wanna take her heart away
Couple billion in the whole wide world
Find another one 'cause she belongs to me

Na na na na na na (oh, yeah)
Na na na na na na (alright)
Na na na na na na
Na na na na na na

She knows, she knows
That I never let her down before
She knows, she knows
That I'm never gonna let another take her love from me now

[2x]
Everybody wanna steal my girl
Everybody wanna take her heart away
Couple billion in the whole wide world
Find another one 'cause she belongs to me

Na na na na na na (oh, yeah, alright, yeah)
Na na na na na na (alright)
Na na na na na na
Na na

She belongs to me

Na na na na na na (oh, yeah)
(She belongs to me, yeah)
Na na na na na na (alright)
Na na na na na na

She belongs to me

i looked up
and placed
my fingertips to the top
of my bedroom ceiling
and i looked at the fluorescent stars
and moons
and constellations
and planets
stuck to the white paint,
and i ran my fingers over each
one and i thought that this was the
closest i would get to touching heaven.
i have learned that we are more than our scars
and more than we give ourselves credit for.
we are so much more than the galaxies running through our veins
and we are so much more than the sum of our bodies put together
with the lover's sharing our beds at three in the morning
because we shouldn't have to rely on other people for us
to be happy and feel complete.
we don't need other people to tell us we are beautiful because
you were beautiful even before he said you were.
you were more lovely than she said you were before she left you in the dust.
you don't need someone to tell you the things that are already true
and if you can't see that you are hauntingly fantastic then you need
to get a better nirror
look a little closer
because there is something in you that is keeping you alive even
when you want nothing more than to be dead.
you need to look closer at yourself and place your hands
on your face;
feel the skin that keeps you together even when you want to tear it open;
look at the arms that have scars engraved on the surface but also
are capable of holding other people up when they are upset.
look at those arms- your arms;
look at the way they sway and the way they hold people together when they
are falling apart at the seams.
look at your legs;
look at how they hold you up each morning,
look at how they chase the moon
and the way they continue to let you get to the places you need to be.
look at your hands;
look at how they curve and how they fold into each other.
look at how they hold people's hands and look at how they grasp the strands of
your hair as you messily finger-brush the knots out of your bedhead.
look at your eyes;
look at those **** eyes and notice how the color captures the world,
look at how much they have seen,
how much they have yet to see.
look at the beauty in you, little one.
look- just look at how far you have come.
look at your progress-
you may not feel like you have gotten any better but yes you have;
it is another day you are alive and i could not be any more
proud of you than i am right now.

you are not a temple;
you are a ******* forest.
people may have chopped you down and you may have
imprints on your surface,
but you are enchanting.
you are not monochromatic,
you are flourishing with colors of the rainbow
and you change each day.
you are unknown,
yet so many wish to venture into your soul,
but you close up at the chance of something new.
my love,
you must open your eyes if you wish to start over.
i know you see the pieces of yourself missing
but look at how the light will fill up the cracks if you just let it in.
your soul will not disappear if you simply let the light in.
open your eyes and let the colors fill your black and white world.
you are a forest,
and you are the most beautiful forest i have ever
endeavored.
people will not love you more
if there is less of
you.*

//

{m.j}

Settle down with me
Cover me up
Cuddle me in
Lie down with me
And hold me in your arms
And your heart's against my chest, your lips pressed to my neck
I'm falling for your eyes, but they don't know me yet
And with a feeling I'll forget, I'm in love now
Kiss me like you wanna be loved
You wanna be loved
You wanna be loved
This feels like falling in love
Falling in love
We're falling in love
Settle down with me
And I'll be your safety
You'll be my lady
I was made to keep your body warm
But I'm cold as the wind blows so hold me in your arms
Oh no
My heart's against your chest, your lips pressed in my neck
I'm falling for your eyes, but they don't know me yet
And with this feeling I'll forget, I'm in love now
Kiss me like you wanna be loved
You wanna be loved
You wanna be loved
This feels like falling in love
Falling in love
We're falling in love
Yeah, I've been feeling everything from hate to love from love to lust
From lust to truth I guess that's how I know you
So I hold you close to help you give it up
So kiss me like you wanna be loved
You wanna be loved
You wanna be loved
This feels like falling in love
Falling in love
We're falling in love
Kiss me like you wanna be loved
You wanna be loved
You wanna be loved
This feels like falling in love
Falling in love
We're falling in love

{e.s.}

"I love you don't do this to yourself Meghan please I love you too much to let you go"

WELL ******* YOU ******* **** YOU LEFT I ******* HATE YOU BUT I ******* LOVE YOU. STOP ******* WITH MY HEAD. **** NICOLE. PICK ME YOU ******* . YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TO CHOOSE BETWEEN ME AND HER. YOU PROMISED ME FOREVER AND YOU ******* LIED. I SHOULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING. I SHOULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING I ******* CANT STAND YOU STOP IT NOW I HATE YOU. YOU FIXED ME AND THEN TORE MY ******* HEART OUT AND SMASHED IT ON THE CONCRETE. AND ALL I CAN DO IS STAND BACK UP AND LOOK YOU IN THOSE HAZEL BLUE EYES AND SAY THAT I LOVE YOU ANYWAYS BECAUSE YOU ARE MY ******* WORLD. ALL THAT TOUCHING AND ALL THOSE KISSES THEY WERE **** TO YOU. WHEREAS I TOOK THEM ALL TO ******* HEART.
I PUSHED YOU PULLED
I CRIED YOU HELD ME
I BLED YOU KISSED
I FAUGHT YOU SMILED
I BROKE YOU FIXED
I WAS AT MY WORST AND YOU STAYED AND YOU SAW ME AT A HORRIBLE TIME IN MY LIFE YET YOU STILL HAD THE DECENCY TO CALL ME BEAUTIFUL. WELL ******* AND YOUR SECRETIVE TONGUE I HATE IT ALL BUT I LOVE IT I HATE YOUR SMILE I HATE YOUR VOICE I HATE WHEN YOU TELL ME YOU LOVE ME I HATE IT NO I LOVE IT. OH GOD **** ME NOW BECAUSE I CANT CHOOSE AND ITS ******* ME UP I CANT TAKE THIS.
I HAVE ******* CUTS ON MY SKIN AND THAT RAZOR HAS SHOWN ME MORE ******* LOVE THAN YOU EVER HAVE. I HATE THIS I HATE KNOWING SHE GOT IN THE WAY OF OUR "FOREVER". I HATE HER AND I WANT TO SLIT HER THROAT BUT I KNOW THAT THAT WILL ONLY HURT YOU SO I WONT TOUCH HER. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO DO ANYMORE. ALL MY FRIENDS TELL ME I SHOULD MOVE ON BUT NO ******* WAY. I COULD NEVER EVER ******* GIVE UP. I EVEN TOLD MY FRIEND:
" I love him like I've never been burned. Like I've never been hurt. I will always love him like he never affected me. He ******* burns me down but I happened to fall in love with the flame. I have so much left to give to him. For him. I'm not going to give up because that shows him I don't care and it shows I never cared. I'm going to risk it all because those who don't risk everything never wanted it in the first place. I'm gonna give it all I got. I will love him like I ran through ******* fire. I will love him forever. Like I never loved anyone else. I will love him like I've never heard a lie and like I am falling for him for the first time. And nothing, not even he, can change this feeling. He tried to take his own life because he cheated on me. Regardless of whether he cheated on me or not, I am still in love with him, more than I care to admit."
AND ITS SO TRUE I CANT GIVE UP ON YOU AND NOT GIVING UP IS KILLING ME ALIVE. I FEEL NOTHING BUT PAIN. I DON'T LIGHT UP LIKE FIREWORKS WHEN I GET A MESSAGE FROM YOU, INSTEAD, I LOSE ALL COMPOSURE AND MY HEART SKIPS BEATS UNNECESSARILY AND I INSTANTLY START CRYING BECAUSE ITS A DEFINITE YES THAT YOU ARE ALIVE. AND I HATE THIS I ******* HATE CONSTANTLY LIVING WITH THE FEAR OF KNOWING I CANT DO ANYTHING BUT LET YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I ******* LOVE YOU. BUT EVEN THAT ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH SO I'M ONLY GOING TO SIT AND CRY AND READ SAPPY LOVE POEMS ABOUT BOYS WHO WILL NEVER CARE WRITTEN BY PEOPLE WHO ARE HOLDING ONTO THE SAME DESIRE THAT I AM, THE DESIRE THAT THEIR BOY WILL TURN AROUND AND LOVE THEM IN RETURN. SO ******* AND I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU, YOU *******.

//
{m.j.}

It's alright to cry
Even my dad does sometimes
So don't wipe your eyes
Tears remind you you're alive
It's alright to die
'Cause death's the only thing you haven't tried
But just for tonight hold on

So live life like you're giving up
'Cause you act like you are
Go ahead and just live it up
Go on and tear me apart

It's alright to shake
Even my hand does sometimes
So inside the rage
Against the dying of the light
It's alright to say that death's the only thing you haven't tried
But just for today hold on

So live life like you're giving up
'Cause you act like you are
Go ahead and just live it up
Go on and tear me apart hold on

Live life like you're giving up
'Cause you act like you are
Go ahead and just live it up
Go on and tear me apart hold on

i. I want you to love me when the black line over my eyelid is gone and when my hair lays full of tangles on my shoulders. You never cared if I brushed it or not, so I didn't. It always fell naturally. (I think I did the same with you.)

ii. I want you to love me when the toothpaste doesn't make my mouth in time before we wake. (Morning breath is part of what Love is.)

iii. I want you to love me when the only thing on my body is your old T-shirt from tenth grade because I'm still tinier than you. (I swear I'll take care of it for you.)

iv. I want you to love me when the coffee stain finds its way onto my lips right before you lean over to kiss me good afternoon baby. Coffee dates will be a must. You can order something else, I'll drink the coffee. (But I'll make you try it.)

v. I want you to love me when the television is low and the rain is pouring onto the earth outside at five in the evening, and I sit at the kitchen table wondering why hearts are broken. (I can't remember if you like rain or not.)

vi. I want you to love me when we drive to everywhere and nowhere, and your hand finds its way onto my thigh. I'll take a photograph of your profile and pin it to my bedroom wall. I'm going to photograph you a lot, most of the time not telling you. Expect to find some leftover filled disposals in your room. (Or empty film rolls.)

vii. I want you to love me when we drink too much after making dinner together in the kitchen at midnight, because we were never good with timing. Alcohol makes things smoother. (Don't get addicted.)

viii. I want you to love me after you come home from work with tired feet and knots in your back as your forehead drips with sweat. (I'll help you clean up.)

ix. I want you to love me when I run away in broad daylight, hoping to get rid of the thoughts I have in my mind, because you know I have the tendency to run away from things that hurt. But I will come back eventually. (I always do.)

x. I want you to love me after I kiss you for the first time. After I let you in. After I tell you about my childhood and how I love my Nana and Poppi. After i speak to you in a different language, leaving you to ponder what I said. After my favorite songs are played, after we have a song, after we watch movies in bed cuddling. After I fall asleep next to you. After I push you away for the first time. After you realize how wild and unpredictable I am. After you realize how big my heart is because you will notice the mountains I move for you and you will notice the way I pay attention to everything. After you recognize the fact that I love the little things. After you pick me up and kiss me. After I stay silent around you and you know the reason for my closed mouth because you know my mind is racing in a self-polemic way. I want you to love me after we go on our first date. After you meet my parents. After I win over your mother. After we spend holidays together. After we take candids of one another. After we tell strangers about each other. After I fathom that you aren't going to leave.

- (I want you to love me.)



// {m.j.}
8.23.15.
1:45am.

do you remember the
tidal waves my eyes created
when you said my name
like the way you said "hello"
to that girl in calculus class?
do you remember the shine
my soul lost when we were wrapped
up tightly in your utterly most
favorite blanket on my couch
as you were preoccupied with
texting that "friend" instead of
gazing into my ocean-colored eyes?
do you remember the way i would
glance your way while we sat at my
kitchen table drinking coffee while the
sun came up from behind the same
crisp autumn morning that described
my emotions to a tee?
do you remember when i walked
around my house in the middle of winter
in your sweatshirt and socks just so i could
have your scent linger on my body just a
little longer than i wanted it to because you
were completely absent from the picture?
i had always been told
that right before someone leaves you,
your entire life with them flashes right before
your eyes in milliseconds;
that right before they left you,
you would stare blankly at white walls which
served as the canvas of all of your memories
displayed like drunken artifacts before your
sunken and dried eyes.
that right before they leave you,
you start to hold onto their belongings,
hoping that somehow doing so will
result in some epiphany they have that
convinces them to stay with you infinitely.
my mother always told me that nothing
lasts forever,
and i guess it was no surprise when i woke
up on that crisp october sunday,
which was supposed to be our three year anniversary,
and you were not asleep next to
me.

{m.j.}

trees are poems the earth writes
and the sky is the empty canvas
which is also filled with sadness
and happiness
and we cut the trees down,
ruining the artwork of the earth
and we are so inconsiderate
because we use the paper made from
those trees to write down our own
tragedies.

*-how awful of us to be that selfish as to ruin the only thing that earth can claim to be art

It's just another night and I'm staring at the moon
I saw a shooting star and thought of you
I sang a lullaby by the waterside and knew
If you were here, I'd sing to you

You're on the other side
As the skyline splits in two
Miles away from seeing you

But I can see the stars from America
I wonder, do you see them too?

So open your eyes and see
The way our horizons meet
And all of the lights will lead
Into the night with me
And I know these scars will bleed
But both of our hearts believe
All of these stars will guide us home

I can hear your heart on the radio beat
They're playing "Chasing Cars" and I thought of us
Back to the time you were lying next to me
I looked across and fell in love

So I took your hand
Back through lamp-lit streets and knew
Everything led back to you

So can you see the stars over Amsterdam?
Hear the song my heart is beating to

So open your eyes and see
The way our horizons meet
And all of the lights will lead
Into the night with me
And I know these scars will bleed
But both of our hearts believe
All of these stars will guide us home

And oh
And oh
And oh whoa
I can see the stars from America

So here is my pledge to you;

I will clean the coffee-stained cups after we stay up late watching old reruns of our favorite movies. I will fix the alignment of everything because OCD was never in our favor. I will lock the doors and windows at night and draw the curtains so our neighbors cannot see us inside. I will watch the rain with you from the left or right side of the bed (because I get the side closest to the window). I will stay up late with you when your mind is restless and your eyes are empty. You can tell me about your father and the way your mother makes the best turkey on Thanksgiving night. I will brush the knots out of your back and you can brush the knots out of my hair. I will hold you when your heart is heavy and you can’t move because nothing is okay anymore. I will stand on the sidelines cheering you on for every game I can go to. I will watch you climb the tallest mountains with the same energy as a five year old and I will silently wish I could be as strong as you are. I will **** the moths and you can **** the bugs and spiders. I will bandage up any cuts you create from being too full of energy when you accidentally hurt yourself. Maybe you can bandage my not-so accidental ones. I will wipe down the kitchen table after you teach me how to make something other than my usual burnt toast and boxed macaroni and cheese. I will watch you grow. I will water the flowers and I will make sure you eat all your meals and I will drag you to park concerts and cafés. I will show you what love is and I won’t stop until you know what falling in love is like. I think you’d like it. A lot of people do. I will make the bed and I will leave it messy just like how we left it. I will be the one under the mistletoe and I will be the one your mother adores. I will bury myself in the place right between your heart and your ribcage. I will be your mess of a lover. I will be home. And you will
Love me
Love me
Love me.

-I wouldn't mind making memories with you.

In three months, when you talk about me, I want you to talk about me like I put the stars in your sky, like I was a constellation or a galaxy or some type of planet that no one has heard of. I want to be the last thing on your mind before you go to sleep, and the first thought when you wake up. I want to be told beautiful things that aren't empty words. I want drops of Jupiter in my hair just like how Train sings it. I want you to tell people that my eyes are big and bold and deep just like the ocean. That my mind is complex and over-imaginative and poetic just like the moon. I want you to talk about the way I am daring, wild, and overly confident in plans that most times never happen because i don't think them through. I want people to know about me when you talk about me to them. I want you to bring up inside jokes, mistakes, fights, laughs, everything. Bring up the way I need materialistic reminders that I'm loved. Tell them I have half your closet. Tell them I keep your notes in a box beside my bed. Tell them I kept the first thing you gave me- an empty cookie wrapper that once held two M&M; cookies. Tell them that I get scared a lot and that my hair's always a mess and that I love too many movies and songs for my own good. Tell people that I feel more comfortable behind a camera lens than a desk. Tell them I'm a writer. Tell them that MJ changed your perspective on things. When you talk about me, tell them you're my US Marine. Say it with pride. Talk about how I like being barefoot and how I'm obsessed with gum and how everything in my life is enigmatic. I want you to talk about what ****** me off, what makes me happy, what makes me quiet. I want you to understand my silence. Talk about how I enjoy silent conversations sometimes. Tell them how I'm full of wanderlust and how I love the little things. When you talk about me, talk about me like you won't ever talk about me again. Make them remember me.
Remember me.

- {m.j.}

I held onto your t-shirt for a month after I left your house before deciding to write this poem.

They say that if you hold on to something that was never yours in the first place, you'll start to feel guilty within a few weeks after you've taken it.
I took your shirt because I wanted to have a piece of you once I had stepped foot out of your door;
The guilt followed about two minutes after I even thought of taking it.

But I kept it anyway.

Sleepless is all I am nowadays;
Your arms don't encompass me anymore,
Your breath isn't hot on my skin,
Your scent doesn't travel throughout my sinuses,
and I don't have anyone to hold me when the nightmares do.
I guess you can say that I grew to need the comfort of the plaid shirt you gave to me-
The shirt I didn't decide to steal from you-
Because it's the closest I'll get to something of your own  choice that you gave me to keep besides memories.

This poem is a mess but so am I,
And I have never been messier than I am when buried in thoughts of you.
Some say that is about as healthy as a whole bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream,
But I beg to differ because at least one brings some sort of real comfort.

I can't tell you how many nameless metaphors I have written about you,
How many countless letters I have written to you.
I can't tell you how many sleepless nights I have gone through,
How many dryless tears have rolled down my face because I am engulfed with thoughts of what we were,
What we could have been.
I can't tell you how many timeless pieces of paper have made their way into the trash because I could never finish my trail of emotions to you.

My veins are not sober.
My heart is not weightless.
My eyes are not shiny.
There is no guide to help me out here.
There is no book of rules to follow to help me get the **** over you.
You have been my strong sense of calm that has put me at ease for so many months.
And all I wanted was for you to love me wholeheartedly,
To love and want me as much as I did you.

This poem is a mess, and so am I,
So I'm not even going to try to finish it with some magical, metaphorical, realization of mine.
Because the only realization I have come across, painfully, is that I'm not going to get another chance to show you how hauntingly, extraordinarily, completely, utterly, and truly breathtaking I am.

- { m.j. }

11/2/14

1) i am stuck reading all of this **** about getting better and waking up to a new change but I can’t ******* change when I have etched tally marks into my skin. I can’t change when my eyes are red and puffy from crying all day and night of yesterday and I can’t change when the one thing I want the ******* most is 154 miles away and claiming to not give up on me. Hey baby, I bet she tasted just like me, huh? Because if you even loved me for one ******* minute you wouldn’t have shoved your tongue down her throat and called her “baby” in the same monotonic voice you say to me.

2) i know you loved every second you spent with her, telling your boys about her, posting **** about her, making her feel special, telling the world about her, instead of me, right? I know you. I know you like the back of my ******* hand. You burned me to the ******* ground but I still look at you like you did nothing wrong.

3) i told you not to give up on me, and you said “I know not to”. Like what the **** is that supposed to mean? You know not to give up? Why? Because I’ll break down? Because I won’t be able to trust anyone anymore? That I will get bad again? Because I will never get over you? Because you know the thought of you at night will eat me alive and **** me? Because you know how much I ******* love you, so you feel as though you have the right to leave me? Because she kisses you harder and you like that? Instead of heartfelt fingertips tracing concentric circles on your spinal cord? You know not to give up, so you will continue to let my heart bleed out bursts of “I love you’s” and snippets of poems here and there? Because you want to see me destroy myself, so you don’t take the blame?

4) i can only feel the throbbing pain of the cuts on my left wrist. I can’t feel you anymore. I forgot the taste of your mouth and the touch of your skin but I know I remember it in the back of my mind I just have it find it.

5) i once told you “please don’t be in love with someone else” and you blatantly told me you weren’t in love with anyone but me. This was a week ago. Literally ten ******* minutes ago I asked you if you were still in love with me, like you were before all this **** went down, and you said yes. If you were even the slightest bit in love with me, you wouldn’t have cheated on me. I still want to hear your side of the story.

6) i am in love with you.*


//
{m.j.}

please help me, does anyone know how to get their cover photo? it says to have a photo that's 820 by 300. but i try to upload a photo for my cover, and it doesn't work. I KNOW you are reading this, so can you just please tell me how to set my cover photo on here?? pleaseeee

sometimes when we see things,
it brings back memories that involve
drunken phone calls
early into the morning,
and sobbing at the rain
as it rolls down your window creating streaks of silver.

at one point i hated writing because
everything that came out was about you
and it made me angry because i already
had you in my head,
so why be on my paper?

i looked up at the Christmas tree
you helped me decorate last week
before you left me alone under the mistletoe
and my eyes burned as the hurricane
started to evolve in my eye,
and all the lights became blurry circles
in my living room.

i know we will never be "us" again
but don't you dare tell me that you never
loved me because that is not what your texts and letters told me.
you said you would never leave but here
i am and there you are
and we are not together on this special night.

if i knew where you were on the map,
i would fold it end over end
until we are two souls
in the same place
at the same time.  *


{m.j.}

8/18/14
the stars in your eyes
make me feel like a
million years of pain
has come your way.
and the way you steal
the pools of
galaxies that rotate
inside me,
which never cease to show what i am
composed of,
makes me think of the planets that flow
through your veins.
and every time you look
at me gravity doesn't exist;
weightless is how i feel
around your nebula-colored
eyes.
and gosh,
the constellations that bloom
from your fingers as i bleed
the colors of supernovae.
maybe that's why my skin
burns like a thousand suns under your
scorching touch.

{m.j.}

you left
delicate crescent moons on the inside
of my bottom lip when you kissed me
last week.
you left
my body numb to your piercing eyes
and when i smelled you on my favorite sweater
i couldn't help but envy your cologne.
you left
handwritten letters on your beside table
instead of mailing them to me
because you did not have any stamps.
you left
heartfelt messages on my phone saying
how you are overjoyed to be in love with me.
you left
little "i love you" messages for me to look at
when im sad.
you left
a certain conversation the next morning which
tasted like friday night's freedom,
leaving me breathlessly more in love with you.
and you?

you left.


//
{m.j.}

ive been gone for a while.
some would say that i had died,
but i havent.
im still here,
listening to your laugh,
watching you smile,
hearing you cry out
with joy.
im watching you do
all these things
that i had once
made you do.


{m.j.}

have enough self respect to
walk away from something that
makes you feel uncomfortable
and love yourself enough to
say "i deserve to be happy"
because if you aren't happy then
what are you doing with your life?
it's yours,
not his.
so stop writing about how he left you
and start writing about what you
are going to do with your life.

{m.j.}

It is Christmas night
And I am drunk
And I can't see straight
And my handwriting is ****
But my heart is still good.

My heart is filled with your name
And the thought of our last kiss
And how everyone saw us
And I can't seem to get a grasp
On reality because the only thing
I want to hold is your hand.

Too bad the only thing holding
My hand is this
Wine bottle.


{m.j.}

I am in love with the way your legs intertwine with mine. I am in love with the way your hands run across my skin. I am in love with the way I fall asleep and wake up with your body so close to mine; you are always less than millimeters away from me. I am in love with the way you lay your cheek on my forehead and when we are falling asleep together. I am in love with your teddy bear eyes, and the way you click your tongue when you are thinking. I am in love with the way your lips curl in when you get awkward. I am in love with your laugh, and how we punch each other every time we see a Volks Wagon; we call out the colors like it's the end of the world if we don't. I am in love with how your eyes become wider when you get serious. I am in love with the way you still keep every single letter I have ever written to you. I am in love with how you have an obsession with chewing ice; it sounds like you are breaking glaciers inside of your mouth. I am in love with how you let me run my fingertips gently on your ear to help calm me down. I am in love with how your arm lays on my stomach and chest, somehow waking me in such a gentle way. I am in love with the way you comfort me when we watch scary movies, the way you take my hand and lead me into bed with you. I am in love with the way you make me food without complaining about having to go through the trouble of doing so. I am in love with how you grow more calm and sleepy when I run my fingers through your hair late at night. I am in love with our nicknames and how you still owe me a better dance than the first time we heard our song. I am in love with the way you periodically poke me to wake me up every morning. I am in love with every single memory we have, with every stolen glance, with every secretive moment.
I am in love with so many things that are between us.

But I am not in love with you.


- { m.j. }

IM NOT EXACTLY SURE WHY THIS LETTER IS IN CAPITAL FONT, BUT MAYBE THIS WILL CREATE A CLEAR MESSAGE IN YOUR MIND.

I LOVE YOU.

DONT TELL ME YOU DONT LOVE ME BECAUSE I KNOW YOU DO. I HAVE REALIZED THAT LATELY MY POEMS HAVE BEEN FULL OF ANGST AND FULL OF SELF PITY. I AM SO SORRY. I DONT MEAN TO SOUND RUDE OR SELF-CONCEITED. I JUST WANTED TO FEEL EVERY INCH OF YOU AND FADE INTO YOUR BONES. I AM SO SELFISH FOR WANTING YOU TO BE MINE, AND I AM SO SORRY. I EXPECT TOO MUCH BECAUSE YOU MADE MY EXPECTATIONS SO ******* HIGH AND I DONT WANNA CHANGE THIS. I DONT WANNA CHANGE US BECAUSE IF WE CHANGE, YOU WILL REALIZE HOW MUCH BETTER YOU CAN DO THAN ME.
PLEASE LET ME IN. WHEN YOU WERE ON YOUR BED WITH THE COVERS OVER YOUR HEAD CRYING I WANTED SO BADLY TO DRIVE TO YOU AND KISS YOU SO HARD. I WANTED TO LEAVE MY LIPSTICK STAINS ON YOUR SKIN AND LEAVE MY SCENT ON YOUR SHEETS. I WANTED TO PULL THE BLANKETS BACK AND CRAWL IN BED NEXT TO YOU AND PLACE MY HAND ON YOUR FACE, AND STARE INTO YOUR EYES, HOPING MY EYES WOULD BE ABLE TO TELL YOU HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU. I SAT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET JUST RANTING TO YOU ABOUT HOW MUCH I WANT YOU, AND IM SORRY I WAS CRYING AND STUMBLED OVER MY WORDS AND IM SORRY I WANTED THE CAR TO RUN ME OVER BUT MY FRIEND MADE ME MOVE OUT OF THE WAY. I DONT EVEN KNOW IF YOU HEARD ME SAY "THE CAR CAN RUN ME OVER I DONT ******* CARE".
BUT BABY I DO CARE BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO DIE WHEN YOU ARE OVER THERE ON YOUR BED HAVING A BREAK DOWN. I WANT TO CALL YOU EVERY DAY AND HEAR YOUR VOICE. WHAT DID YOU THINK WHEN YOU HEARD ME CHOKE BACK MY TEARS? WHAT DID YOU THINK WHEN I TOLD KENZ I WAS CRYING? WHAT DID YOU THINK WHEN YOU HEARD ME TALK FOR THE FIRST TIME? WHAT DID YOU DO WHEN I TOLD YOU I LOVED YOU?*

//
{m.j.}

dear god baby,
just tell me you love me.
that's all i ask.
i repeat your name in my head for hours,
thinking about you until the sun goes down
in the east,
then comes up
in the west.
i can't deal with the way
you just sit there and
ignore my "i love you"'s.
it *****.
it really does, but i just put on a smile
to satisfy you.

{m.j.}

out of all the cities
and towns that exist in this universe,
why,
why do you have to move back into the same one as me?
was it not enough to have my fingers intertwined
with yours like the blades of grass that
grow within the forest of our minds?
was it not enough to have my eyes peer
up at you,
filled with utter compassion and flamboyance?
was it not enough to have my body pressed
up against your glass-tainted frail frame
as we lay listening to french classical music
at three in the morning?
was it not enough to see the storms that
raged among my bloodshot eyes
after you left my "i love you" without a reply?

maybe im simply used to
the idea that i would always be yours,
to the point where i forgot that
it is utterly possible to lose you.
once again,
this poem makes no sense,
just like my incoherent thoughts
that have your name written all over
them.

{m.j.}

has anyone ever told you
they hated you?
that they wanted you to go away
forever?

well ***** them.
because apparently they do not know
how special you are.
how you can forgive countless of times,
and still go back to that person.
how you know exactly how to react
to certain things,
and still keep yourself together.

you are absolutely amazing.
some people cannot do what you are capable of.
instead of coping with things,

they run.

they run far far away,
to a place no one has ever heard of.
they can break down and cry there,
and no one will ever hear.

maybe we have been there once before.
but maybe we haven't just yet.
but all i know,
is that you
are better than
running away.


{-m.j.}

High school is where we met.
I broke down in those ***** bathrooms more times then I can remember. I cried silent tears on the bus more times than anyone’s noticed. But highschool is where I met you. You got left over coffee every morning and you dated my old memory and I hated your guts. And then you smiled that broken smirk you have and you wrote me poems. You kissed like the devil and you tasted like Friday nights freedom. High school is the place where your tongue slid into my mouth for the first time. It’s where we wrote poems and I handed you the gold letter and most arguably the place I fell in love with you. And I don’t remember our first kiss because there’s been so ******* many since then, but I wouldn’t doubt that it happened at highschool. It may not be the best four years of our lives, but it’s **** well the most important.

//
{k.h.}

i loved you a lot.
i still do.
but you have changed.
and i know you know that i know
that you are a different person.
you sleep with random girls
and you ran away with my heart.
i don't think i will get it back. because it is
unreal.
my heart is unreal and
so are you.
you are,
because you had promised never to leave me.
yet you did.
nice to know cared.
now i really don't.

{m.j.}

i used to be steel but now im just simply broken glass.
the only way to show you my love
is by writing poems
dedicated to you
on your spinal cord as i run my fingertips
across your shoulder blades.
i cannot open my eyes
when i sleep next to you because
the glisten of your thoughts
reincarnate into my bones
as we lay on the white bed sheets
at three in the morning.
and when you whisper
"i love you"
i get butterflies and i cant breathe an
"i love you" in return.
i will be leaving in the morning
because i wont be able to control the guilt
that will be left on my wounded lips
made from the crisp of your secretive tongue.
i fell for you like autumn leaves;
a mistake because you were the
ever-so-suttle evergreen trees.
everything has changed and
i just want to be by your side
as we collide,
shattering into a million thoughts
and heartbeats.
before i leave,
make me feel like i've made the
best of what we have left of us,
because i cant deal with the
thought of knowing i left
my future with you
dangling by an
"i love you" that was never
meant to be said.
i'll build us a city that sleeps for two,
im high on your breath;
the same breath that encompassed me
with familiar patterns of light touching
from the hairs on your arms
the  night before.
make me feel your heartbeat as i run away with the
sound of your footsteps lagging behind me,
as you try to catch me from the wrath of hell
i have created.
i breathe through ******* dollar bills
and my blazed eyes see so much
hate and love in the world
and all i can do is watch
the world i've known destroy itself
with unknown abysses.
tight skin wraps itself around my thoughts,
forcing me to only think of you as i
crash from this high you created
inside my mind.
my empty heart somehow longs
to drown in your arms
as i walk down this boulevard
of broken promises that
have flown from your ****** lips,
my bony hips.

{m.j.}