...in every stroke of my box braids
I see an equivalent stroke of blonde hair
....blonde ******* hair
I'm in so much pain...
God where are you....
I need you...
I'm tired of lying to myself....repeating empty words
...I'm tired of these memories

...Opens up pacsun
last time I OPENED this up...man
...
i was drooling to have every single item on the page...
...I remember as greed and envy would sweep over my face
...I remember wanting the clothes to be seen
...I hear Aunty Toopee saying live a little in the backround...
live......a little
...and hurt myself while i'm at it....
....
maybe she really meant stop the worry and go run in the sun....
....maybe this lesson is...
letting go....letting life flow
....
maybe i closed my heart and only left my mind open to fashion...
open to absorb what everyone else is saying...
what everyone else is passionate about
...i don't think there was anytime in my life where i ever expressed myself through fashion...
honestly....
...fashion to me has been very compulsive...
its trendy and it's scary...
its everyone else but myself...
...i completely ran away from the fabric....
because so much has happened because of it....
now my Moms telling me im gross because i wear the same flannel...
Mom i'm sorry but im just comftorable..
and maybe that's bad...
that i go into a store and feel uncontrolled once I break the glass...
...and maybe i was meant to taste glass everytime I walked into a store
or opened up a magazine
or walked into a building of girls all carrying a louis tote....as your mama begged to get you a Michael Kors...
...and I said no
...clothes hurt
because it is the part of you where everyone sees...
....scariest part is not really what they see
its you....

Trying to figure out the bigger picture of a puzzle way to challenging for your mind...
attempting to see a mind that wasn't meant for your eyes...
....its like the ph stick
some taste sweet and others bitter
we cannot control taste...
we cannot try to taste bitter when we taste sweet...
we must realize that we have grave purpose...
there is a reason why you taste sweet....embrace it mama(liberian man would say)

Eyes glued to a computer screen...that is right in front of me
...eyes i control you...where are you planning on taking me
to a place of misery
....an eye squinted obviously means heavy judgement right
but only in my thoughts
as my eyes projected this thought
.....
water down the glue...and free yourself
...let your eyes project...freely
as a true camera lens would
....an artist lowers to meet with this lens...
and in this moment the power lies with the artist...
as the artist decides what will be seen and captures it...
thing is one cannot control what is seen...only what he or she chooses to see
...

As i scrolled through these job questions...
...taken to an actual place in my mind where...i see
where a picture baffles me and is engraved into thee
....when i think of overcoming struggles
i think no more Michael, everything will be perfect, i will never be jealous again...
...i think of an actual scenerio...as if i'm the starring act of a play
....as if i have already gathered up my script for the day
today...reading to children...hmmm i thought
...a fear faced...but with a thought..and a script
yea of done this before...thing is I havent
....no matter how much you practice the math or study the text...
...what happens in the next few seconds isn't guarenteed...
...sometimes it is luck that we find our expectations to have been met
...but truly i think fate
...this summer...my goal is to move forward...to learn the art, to expand my mind, do new things
...
something holds me still...
...
girl you don't know what happens next please comprehend this
...the most useful bit of advise
expectation or may i say the vision....
how can you love or be passionate about something...if its planned
...
my thing is fear of being without the words...being hurt...misguided
I am vulnerable without the words...
the words bring comfort
...trying to make a platform out of thin air

My I remember running infinitely in the distance...as time runs it's course
...trying to pace myself...trying my hardest to remain in my own Lane
....but simply remaining
....as I feel as if my heart has stopped
As I slow down to walk at the speed of another soul...
I stop because I notice eyes pryed to mine...
....blue eyes you see
Blonde hair ***...
Distraction distraction as I nearly get run over by a car....
.....
Or maybe I actually did as it simply passed over my mind when my eyes saw yours...
....right now
In the present moment
....I barely walk
But I limp...uncertain
Scared to death
Struggling to accept...alot of things
Like the fact that I can't control tommorow or who I am in this life....
Or people....
As I live in an alternate hell through my dreams....
Simply no words....
Simple.clean.and scary
....the mind searches for words
Something.anything
Algun...in return nunca
...I see you glued to my brain....by my very own Elmer's glue
....toxic the glue not
But my very own thoughts....as I grab at them for valid reasoning
Oh Jesus please....please not again
....but fate has it's own way of playing out....
....Jesus be with me as I face my fate face to face...

I am a child of the most highest!
I am beautiful!
I am strength!
I will and I can!
I am infinite!
I am love!
I am!
I am faith!

I asked you what you thought about my poem...and you said I loved the way you played with your words....
....as my heart froze....as my mind froze
Freeze...a frozen little paralysis as the mind was overjoyed to finally pour out to another soul...
First poetry reading ever and you say that....
Pity threw upon me...
As my heart became angry....
Soulless nights....crying....pain....michael...Zayn
The moment I've  been waiting for...
And allowed my happiness to form in someone else's hands....
I guess I am to blame...
As expectation calls my name...
Do I pick one or do I not....
So tempting man how do I stop...

I was scared unprepared...
....a glance back took me back to neverland.
That same glance burned a pathway in my soul.
Stairway to heaven I may say...

Thank you...
For calling on me as I hid...
Thank you for all of your stares and mocks...
Thank you for spitting in my face.
Thank you for your pity.
...Thanks truly.
....
Your deed has directed me to my destined path.
....truly a task in the process
But you have allowed pathways in my soul to form
...because of you I had to choose for myself
...I had to choose between my heart and my mind
....i know I'll look back and understand your purpose fully.
But now I simply thank you.
Avroir until then.
When our worlds collide again...
Or never....
In a dream possibly.

Isolation...
I desert myself
On this deadly as pirate place...
It's grimy...as I continue to drink not champagne but poison
...but this place so familiar...
That it seems impossible to let go
It's so **** comfortable
I know every ally
Every up and every down
....and I refuse to
But then again do I have a choice...
Between life and death
....physically yea
Spiritually...still a yes
....but difficulty
Challenges
Are there to be challenged
Fear may block the passage sometimes...
But my God goes through the tunnel with me...
He is my light and my salvation
...I may be lost between life and comfort
But...
I honestly still don't know

Michael....mike mike mike
Is all I hear...
....I see a second chance with James in you
I feel as if I'm back in the 8th grade feeling cute and loved...
....but with that comes mass insecurity and overthinking
With that comes a hole in my heart
My soul
My mind
With that comes a missing identity
....everything I worse fear
But baby if it's meant to be it will be...
I refuse to allow fear to control me
I choose to let God
God?
Yes my lord my rock and my redeemer
...my love, my everything...
He is like my life
He holds my life
My destiny
My hope
My fate...
Yes God I trust in him
My Heavenly Father

Within my tiny innocent eye...
Lies a sea of wonder...Of a little desert. Water. And spirit
It captures a story with every piercing glance
...and every photo holds an emotion
...emotions in which the brain is ashamed of...
Crazy how much someone...events can traumatized and enslave the brain and almost the heart...
Crazy...
But my heart yearns as I stand the grounds of New York
....it yearns for truth
....with every breath it yearns out to me
It cries I hear it...
I finally hear it
...and that is truly a miracle
....I see angels in my path
I mentally see them
I know in my heart...for it tells me
But mind will you let me...
...you know what ***** you...
I want this and it's possible...
I'm going to get it.

Opening up....old flowers to my heart
....am I right or am I not I don't know
...but I feel bridges will burn down once I accept the pathway
And slowly may they slowly disappear...
If not...ok I'll be fine

Scrolling through hair...
Weaves, videos,.....
Beautiful and unique...
But why oh why do you continue to drain my energy...
Maybe because truly you are a waste of time...
Maybe truly I am wasting my time...
In my mind lies an ideal life...
As I try to make it come true...light bulbs die
And I feel dullness within my soul
.....do you know what it feels like to have a question mark all over your heart
Almost blocking all real feelings
I don't know what I want out of life
And I'm unsure if what I want is true
....that surely is my truth
And is that not okay?

I walk through the halls with awaiting thirst souls...
...I too a thirsty soul quenching on the blood of man kind
The disgusting drips of society
As I **** it...in the moment so sweet...so ******* tender
....then I feel the raft...aftershock spreads
What have I done I ask...
And God says nothing...
You are man..imperfectly perfect...
You are valuable in my eyes remember that...
I reply with silence...

Parallel universe...
It's like a real solid glass that I like to peer through...fantasizing of a day where it comes to life
...a day where I live in a parallel universe...perfect in every way
Where boys chase me...where I'm happy 24/7
Where I feel **** and loved
....where I'm confident
....but parallel universe eh
U don't exist
...u do not exist
Your a waste of my mind
...so many values you contain robbing me of my identity
...you instill this idea of perfection...an idea of "happiness"
...but I read somewhere yesterday that happiness...true happiness is hard
You go through **** and you find yourself ya know...
But when it's easy and you feel comfortable...
Such as being confident only because everyone else sees good in your heart...no **** that your face cuz society is *******...
But my God is existent...and so is my life and so am I
All of those are real...
God is all I need

What may my purpose be...
As a fifteen year old girl I'm lost honestly...
...I mean the world seems so clear to me now
And I feel myself getting pulled in
But confused on a direction...
Should I follow this man. Or this route...where in carnation do I go
Who do I trust...
Do I listen to the girl calling me a ******.
Do I  listen to my Mom telling me to make friends...
Do I listen to them...
How do I truly let go and trust God...
Lost I feel.
Lost in my own emotions.
...one step at a time my child
One task a a time
God takes care of all...
He looks after all...
Under one condition...faith
Faith in him and in your task...
Believe...
And conquer..
Go for it child life only comes one time around.

New..sance
New since
My heart truly feels like a nuisance to my soul...
It beats but in harmony with my soul..? I question
I question my genuinity...
My life, my purpose..like one if I'm wasting...
...it's like how does one remain calm
How can one be themselves without thinking about it
...I crave the day where I am free from this zombie apocalypse
A day where I can wake up and breathe...
Smell flowers not weeds
Wake up positive and bright
Salivating the moment in its glory...
But fantasy I tell you this day that I wait for Is false...
It's not a lie but it's a dream...
I know dreams come true but...when it comes to your heart...
That my friend is real and you come to know that fantasies are not welcome there...

Rage in the midst of the fire...
Hear I wriggle and squirm in the middle of the sea...
You know what **** this....
I'm so tired of writing what I feel like I should
Or writing because I feel like it's my thing or because I have to..
Writing just may not be for me
I may just be a blog person...
Or maybe not a writer at all and that's mutherfucking okay..
That is ******* fine....

New York...is a new life that seems so precious
....so much etch
Yes some sketch but...so much etch
As my heart is leaded into deception....but also redemption
This journey is far from perfect...
Lesson number one...
Number two I have personal issues...flaws
And that's okay
God still loves and cares for me....
He is my refuge and my strength....
My redeemer through all of life's difficulties
...he is there

Ya know maybe poetry keeps me grounded or maybe not
...maybe I love rock n roll or maybe I don't....
Did I ever really like James?.....
Am I ashamed of who I am....
Am I doing life right?....
Is my past really haunting me or am I haunting it...
Does James ever think about lil ole me?....
Maybe he does or doesn't...
And am I wasting my life or are all these experiences worth it....
Questions.....
Nothing I haven't thought about before...
I mean am I wrong...
Am I wrong in my style...
In my swagger of writing?...
What are the truths of life and if I know them why is it so friggin hard to just do this ****...
Then life responds the sun, the stars, and the moon are gorgeous....
But are they truly perfect...
Are you choosing to see them as beauty...I mean everyone has an opinion right...
I mean the moon practically has a face full of acne and critters...but it's pretty popular around here...and we see it as beautiful
....so what's changed about life...about people
Perception is key..and you can choose
But I say embrace...because your eyes are you windows to this universe and to happiness

Totally girlfriend...
My life is nothing but a spin...
A freskin whirl wind...
With a wind try na break down my fricken bricks g....
I mean and it truly has...
My wall is not perfect...
It's got holes and tough edges...and for a while I have and ma in denial of my marks
,my scars....
But without those mistakes...where is there room to truly grow...
You see each and every wound is a piece of me being destroyed...
But it is a wound right...it heals
...and Imperfctness is perfect
Because my Lord still loves me and doesn't expect that of me or any of us
...therefore I will accept my holes n flaws

Right now the only thing I crave is silence...
As I hold my breath trying to allow thoughts to die ....
As they refuse and worsen...
As they force me to become...
It hurts so much to not know of yourself...it's like a million knives jabbing at you as you watch happy people
...confident people, people in love...
Then your mind has the nerve to come back and say ya know what be grateful or some crap
...it's like **** the mind
You tell me I'm worthless and then you try to butter me up
I don't even remember who I was before I was told who to be...
....as tears stream down my heart

Who am I....
What is my definition...
Is my life a whole entire lie?
Are my decisions based off of insecure me?
Do I have a soul
Am I even real...
Am I alive like ****...
I don't know...
And that's okay...
I crave love...
And I don't know how that can be when I don't even know my own self...
James...once you were sweet now....your simply James
...your not an ex...your a thought
...he's no longer a feeling he's more of the Grimm reaper...
He is the dead past of me...but somehow I'm connected to that past and my whole life thrives upon it
...and I don't want to let go and I don't know if I'll ever tbh
...I don't love him...we didn't love each other...I just loved the way he made me feel
...he was the energy motivating me throughout my day
He was my security because I has none...
I hated myself...I just wanted to be someone else
...I remember watching all these I hate being black vids, bleaching skin, growing long hair...
I mean looking back now I wonder how I even dealt....how I faked my smiles
...and I don't know
And that's fine
All I know of is...right now
I'm confused with life
And I still don't ******* know...

Well....
To waking up every morning to an artificial purpose...
Let's drink to that *****...
To crying over a guy that didn't value you...
Cheers *****...
To nights spent in agony of Failure...
Cheers....
To going to skool only for validation of friends...
Cheers...
To shying away from yours true self cheers...
Like cheers cheers and cheers...
This is and was my life..
But this time lets make a new cheers...
A cheers to 2015...year of new
Year of York

Miss thang learnin how to ****** breathe again
...ya feels ma vibes
I'm hitting up wit dat yoga ****
I don't gotta ***** but I realized that ***** don't bring da sunshine....
That clothes don't bring it
Nor do events n **** like whatevs to life right now
Like I'm infinit...I'm not who I think I am
I'm not who I was yesterday...
Oooh I'm not this one show monkey
I'm poly
I'm a poly
As are you
I'm not this rocker chic who loves miley
...but I am on this journey in digging deep into my soul and allowing the beams to radiate...
Putting down any expectation i have in this whole life thang n breathing...
I'm finally going to live in vitality...
And that's pretty exciting to know of a day where I'm not searching my past 24/7
That I can just breathe, sit back and enjoy my life....
Hint my...
What a dream
To not have a care in the world
But to have all of my cares in the world
And to put those before me...

Validation is feeling the purpose in your life...
When I see someone smile at me...it's like a weight has been lifted
I feel uplifted...
When man sees desire in me....I see desire in me
...and this validation becomes my one motivation
....tbh there's nothing like validation...nothing
It's instantly uplifting...
I mean to know or feel like people care...to feel worthy
....and to accept the deception in your eyes to feel the warmth of being accepted
....my does validation **** ones soul....

To me my iPad is so ****** deadly...
The universe is deadly...Instagram is deadly...
I can't step one foot outside without worrying about man...
And most of all my thoughts are hella deadly...
So if the universe and I are deadly...
Where is does my salvation lie...
Where is the hope...
Deadly thoughts coming to life
I'm alive but feel dead
Nothing I do ever feels enough
...it's like I'm waiting for this grand moment of vitality...
But in reality it's not gonna come to me...
I've got to bring it to life...
Idk like when I go ino my mind...
I see poison...poisonous pills in one of those weekly pill cases
I see a lifetime of cases
Like....
The ****

Pecking away at the tree...
My tree of life...
As I peck n peck away to get the food...
My energy
My personal energy...
In why I'm powerful...unstoppable
It's like on some real superhero ****
But not having that food...man
I go so hungry and have no option but to feed off of the tree of others
The tree of dangerous thoughts
Of the past
Of friends...
Of fam
...not having energy of your own
Is like living a life based on the man next door

Is the mirror the enemy
...or am I
As I walk down the street
...and view a world full of eyes glued to me
...I feel every energy
I feel the haters and the lovers
...and I get lost in my emotions
Like *** she's totally staring at me cuz I'm black...
*** he thinks I'm a criminal...*** did I do to the poor old lady
...*** does he think I'm hot or something
Thoughts like this repeat itself
...hopeless I feel
I look for a door or even a ******* hole
But all I see are people staring...laughing...giggling...smirking
I see people in fear of me
...I see the bag clenching, the doors lock...I feel it
And it hurts so much to see an innocent old lady take me to be a criminal for my nothing but my skin...my ******* race
...

Real feeling I feel
But yet artificial
So terrifying
To be in the shallow end
As I wonder how to swim to the safer end
I tap my toe in the water
Aware of its existence
But I fear the plumage
The full body in th water
...I fear not being at comfort
I fear the middle
And it may take years...
To let go of the cement bar
But one little finger at a time I will
...the deep end is always scary
But compassion is greater than fear
So whatever I desire...
Whatever I believe...
Will be at my door knockin

Instagram...
Twitter...
Are ******* shark tanks for me...
In my mind their deadly
I fear songs, pictures, and this world
I fear getting eaten up
And beaten up until the point where I become one of the sharks
As I type in my username
...I stare into space for like 10 seconds and wonder do I want to swim with the sharks today...
A part of me is like **** it just do it...
Then another me is terrified and wants to chicken out
But I guess I'm waiting for that in between phase...
Where I can accept trouble and jump in
...but now I've realized that simply taking a simple breath and a baby step
Is one step toward a whole you
A complete you
...so the deep end will be scary...
For how long idk...
What will you face?....no ******* clue
But I've learned that in your personal pursuit you have to go beyond yourself...
And maybe one day you'll see the beams of your radiation

This breath is to my past
...I'm inhaling but not exhaling
Or should I exhale to release the hurt?
Or do I just **** it all together and forget about it...
Like I see so much hate and fire..
It's so unpleasant to look at my own reflection and to only see Beaty because someone else does
...and vise versa
I envision a life where freedom can take my hand
Where I'm not afraid
A freebeing just in the moment
Expressing her individuality
And accepting others
And I see perfect in my vision
Something that will never be reached...

My past is so ****
....then again deadly
...it's alive yet dead
...how can that be
When I look back
...l
I see beautiful blue eyes staring back up at me
...in the most romantic way ever
In awe of me....my body...my existence
....but I also see pain...hurt
Mainly insecurity
...of a girl dying for validation to her existence
Dying to fit in, dying to be cool, dying to be what everyone else wants....
But I look back and see how real it all felt
...how can someone be hurt and happy
I was limping that whole entire year believing I was happy...
And now I crave this validation
...I crave the feeling of being wanted
...of feeling ****
Of feeling the warm embrace of love
But does all of that truly exist
....no it doesn't
.bur how do I let go of something so warm
That seems like the only thing keeping me alive...
Letting go of my comfort...
Is the journey up a rise
Slowly begins in my stride...
Then rides through this journey of life
...

James...
My past
Luke....
To popular crowd...
Insecurity
Sexuality...
Past coming for the ****
...but me allowing it in
...it's coming pretty hard and hella obvi
But I...
Who has been called a ****
And laughed along with the bully
....has allowed the world to eat her alive
And knows what she knows now
...that our world isn't so narrow and small
...that I have a way out
I refuse to return from whence I came
Today is a new day
Right now is a fresh moment
But is my mind ready...
Question I ask?
Most importantly...
Am I ready and do I want....
Cuz if the beholder doesn't feel or do
Thoughts and words are pointless

James...
You made me feel amazing
....hint made
In the past
And present me loves to hold your hand
...loves to imagine a world with you once more
...you made me feel secure
...it's nothing you did bad...
But looking back I realize what love doesn't look like
...but what insecurity looks like
...more specifically my insecurity...
All I wanted to be was white
With silky hair
With little cute tendrils
I squeakified my voice to be "not black"
And dressed in a revealing way for you...
And you fell for everything I wasn't
...and to this day
You still reminisce throughout my mind
...you lerk
And you don't stink
You don't make me sad anymore
...you just make me feel good again in times of distress
...and I see you in every guy I see
And I fear love because of you
...I fear hurt
...and I see 8th grade again
...but you know what
Thank you
Thank you the past because I have an amazing
..new beginning
I can be born again
I can be the realist form of me...
Thank you

My body feels tired
But my heart is not yet satisfied
The body repeats soothing words lasting....for seconds
Than gone....
Like that
It's like I don't know what real is
I don't know what I want
Who the **** am I...I ask
Well I'm who I allowed myself to be
....I'm who decided to shy away from times of redemption
I decided to run to my mamas room when I was afraid
....I did it to me
So is it really deception of the mind
Or am I just afraid to accept my reality
...because I am real
As I pinch myself and cringe
...not the physical pain
But the pain of enduring Mother Earth
My child it says...
This poem isn't for the audience...
It's for you
And I say...
I've had the same morning for years
Deja ******* vu Mother Earth....
What a mother you are
How can you withstand the cries of your children...
No reply
...just the birds
The trees
...and your soul

I stand
I'm here
I'm focused
I'm in food faith
I'm everything I wasn't yesterday
Right now is a new moment
Today is a new day
New breath
Come join me
In your differences....
Plus my uniqueness
And well coexist
And were gonna be okay with that
....and I'll write my poetry
Breathe deeply
And change the world...
Change my destiny
Because it starts with one...
It's starts from within
A soul
The soul of the beholder

Gross ******* I am
I do ****** hand stands
By myself
I have like 0 real friends
...no best frands
I'm extremely socially awk
I'm weird according to society
And I've yet to accept it
I hide in the past for comfort
Who am I?

Snow falls gently from the sky
As I sit quietly in the ******* dark
Roses are red
I am blue
It's valentines day
What about you?
What about I?
I who has tried...
To stay alive
Stay above the waters...
But here I pray...
For long I've awaited
But right now something that's been long in my face
Has never forsaken me
Amen

In a world full of dos and donts
Full of judgemental *******
Like I'm a ******* unicorn and I'm beautiful kiss my ***
In a world that is constantly changing it's view of Beaty it's social standard
In a world where you feel an idiot for being different
For being you
For simply coming into the world as you are
No makeup, no weave, or whatever
Was your crime...
I don't get it
How cruel a society
And to brainwash it's own people
Into hating one another
Based on gender, hair, skin color, occupation...
How ******* rude
How preposterous
...like ***
I'm a beautiful young black girl
And again I'm beautiful
For a fact
According to society and half the world
...I'm not
I need to bleach, I can't talk "black", I'm a hood rat, I'm ugly...like **** that
I'm beautiful
Just as I am..
And there's nothing wrong with me
God makes no mistakes
This is me
I was born this way
And I'll die this way
What am I gonna make matter
Like all those trash talkers
Haters
Hate on you but don't give a **** about your ***
It's crazy why acknowledge the person anyway
Like our world is ****** up

My name is....
I'm 15 years old going on 16
I don't exactly live for anything
...I mean I live for people
But I'm not proud of it...
It's like I feel a burst of excitement when I'm excepted...
And it's terrible
...insecurity is ******* terrible
....it's like being stabbed with 50 knives
It's like wanting everything and getting nothing
...terrible analysis but whatevs
...but I crave myself
I crave my love
..and I'm not getting it
What's wrong with me where is the love
My nails are black
My weaves in tight
I'm skinny as ****
I've starved myself
I've read confident articles
My idol is miley ******* cyrus
I've had faith
...now what
Where the hell am I
Who the hell am I ...
I have no idea
And why the hell do I fear myself
Ppl
And this whole entire world
I hide.....
In my little comfort bubble
With my mouth to bite my nails
Pretending to be occupied
Away from awkwardness
**** this
**** me...
What and who am I
Cuz I'm not living for me
...I'm living and dying a terrible terrible deed....

It's like
New York was and is this big *** ******* hole
And As I entered I saw no light
.....and I still see no light
I physically see no light
But the light is in the galaxies
It's in my destiny
You see
It's hell to me physically right now
And it's hard
...but right now the light is a simple bliss
It's within
And if I flourish it
And believe in it
...than maybe
Just maybe will that light come to life
And maybe will my tomorrow be a bit brighter
...mmmhhh

A blessing in disguise
A breath of fresh brittle *** dry *** ****** air
It's like refreshing to know of hope
...to know that you're gonna be ok in the long run
But you don't know my mind
..it won't **** the ******* hell up
It's telling me to just think about every single problem in my life...
All I see is wrong because of that
All I see are people judging me
White people staring at me from the cars, in the hallways
....I begin to believe what they see
A criminal...
And ....
I'm gonna make something outta this little mess
...I read this thing on twitter
Where it was like you get so caught up in your mess and you continue to make more mess
And when it's all said and done you look back and feel hopeless as **** because ur mess is ******* huge
...if that makes sense
But I'm sick and tired of npbeimg sick and tired
...I'm tired of the same ******* story every day
...this is my new beggining

Body
A single glance I'm my rummy Tum Tum
Kills me
Idk if it's me being disgusted with my flaky, dull, black skin
Or am I ashamed of my entire existence
When I look in the mirror
I try to keep a serious mind
But truth is....you see what you see
And I see.....
Truth is I do see beauty
I see half societal Beauty and I see a scared girl
....when I look in the mirror I look scared af
And I don't like to look scared or weak
Especially to the white man or anyone else
It's like I fear
...my whole life
I fear that I may never truly find my happiness
I fear not being good enough for myself
And I fear that my story will never change
And I'm growing weary of myself
It's like I wake up
And it's like I live the same day over and over
I feel the same way
I see my dry flaky skin, my flaws
...and I pretend not to cringe
I pretend...
And that's my problem
I crave poetry...I just want to vent and write ******* entries
But apart of me is pulling me away
...you see my poems
Are my story
Their not beautiful to me
Their not abstract
It's the same story being told
And I've felt this way for a long *** time
And I'm done
I'm done hating myself

It's like. Y little world right now
Is like....orbital ******* notation
It revolves around ****
And it realizes what it's doing
It has little *******
And it gets so lost in the good feeling
It loses it's valence electrons
And I guess I'm waiting for that **** to be gained back
....cuz like in chem we learned that yes electrons
A piece of you will be lost or get lost in infinity in air
In life this inevitable circumstance were in
We'll lose ourselves, and well feel like we don't belong
Like we don't coexist
But I guess the valence electron that I gained back
Is abstract
Valence electrons are abstract
Their there....scientifically proven
Also if you chose to believe
Choose to believe that you have a purpose beyond life
Your personal purpose
And be angry
Be sad
Be miserable in your little infinite inevitable moments....
But remember that it's all apart of life
My life right now
Is anxiety
But also laughter
It's fear
But also love
It's insecurity
But also content
You see I think I pave learned a little in my journey
That life isn't this one thing
It's not a mission to be chased
There's no perfect model of life
There's the bible, there's your God, and there's your life
And that's it
The choice is up to you
In which who your gonna be
It's like i know not easy and it's especially far from not easy for me
As we speak
I feel an obligation to write this crap
Poetry is an escape, it's beautiful, but also I feel like it's the enemy for me
It's like I have to confront my reality sorta thing
...but I made up my mind
And I know that don't mean ****
But I want to focus on more....other **** than my problems
Than what's going wrong
Than how bad I feel or have felt
I want to focus on me
And I want....
I want it all

When i look in the mirror
...i see a scared girl
...i see a girl brainwashed by society
wanting to escape
i see a ******* scared girl
surrounding herself with poetry and quotes....
thats all she wants to hear is how.....
how she can get here...in a mater of seconds
she wants to get from point A to point B
in 2 seconds...
shes so scared of the in bettween
she fears it....
she also sees
an ugly hideous beast...
looking through the societyscope
she sees an ugly *** monster
with thin eyebrows
ugly feet
ugly hair
bad skin
she sees all wrong
...because society sees all wrong
..she knows deep down that she has the tools to love herself
....but shes so brainwashed
from all those years and her surroundings
...she wakes up every morning
dreading the day ahead
fearing fear
insecurity
....she attends an al white school
meaning a building full of people believing that their way is the only way
...and she feels alone because according to society
..their right
so how does she gt out of that
...how can she love herself
when the world is telling her
that shes worthless because shes not the ideal
easier said than done
....how

I crave....an answer
validation...
a reason for my existence
...i crave someone who cares
...well validation
that i matter
i might seek poularity
***
men
boys
friends
...my parents
my family
God...
all just to get that
....and i feel abandoned
forsaken
...i feel alone
like i live in a world with just me in it
i feel as if im in the center of a room
full of ppl
but they seem a blur
and all i see is a room full of haters
doubters
....i see nothing
but i feel everything
i see haters but i feel the obligation to be kind
i fear my emotions
i fear...fear
i fear people
and i fear myself.....
i crave i day....
one ******* day
where i can wake up from the best sleep ever
..where i can accept my flaws
except life and its imperfectness
except me falling in front of everyone
except insecurity
except the world hating me...
and i want it to happen right now
my fingers shake of eagerness to have it
to have the rush of content
.....i want it
....how can i get it
...ive spent a year searching for it
..can i search it
is it here
is it right in front of me
...i want to say yes
but i dont ******* know
i dont...
and im so impatient
and my faith......
how can i have that
if im sad...
in a world full of happy people
....people telling you your worthless
a world full of surprises
a world...
a life....
its like i dont want to accept reality
i really cant
and my heart or my mind wants it so ******* badly
....i know i have to
but i know i cant force myself
ive learned that life....
the world
isnt a wish granting machine
you just are....
you feel what you feel
you are what you are
and it is what it is
....i guess thats life.....
huh

I crave peace
security....
and i get annoyed....
i feel not understood
...my mind is so ******* overwhelmed
...but projects not ****
its so mother *******
afraid of who knows ******* what
...i sit here like a ******* doll
with my Mom yelling in my ear
as insecurity
those annoying *** voices...
continue to say your nothing
your nothing because your not good enough
...for this person
he wont think your hot
your not good enough
....i think you should be more like this ****** up person
...all it does is degrade me
...tell me im nothing
.....tell me im something according to society
...then ******* deceit me
its like what am i...
who am i
what have i become
....what do i truly value
...who the **** am i
...im a wreck
a ******* train crash
dead...
and its like
i crave identity and security so much
im willing to find it in a matter of seconds
...its like i have no sense of patience in that field
its like ive been sad
...crying internally
totally hiding it
....insecure with myself
angry
...but in denial
completely in denial
about my entire existence
its like i dont want to admit to the person that i am
...my mind craves more
it doesnt crave real
its a ******* ***** i tell a ******* bith
a real pai in the ***
im tired of giving a **** about what others think about me
im tired of giving a **** about anything
im tired of being so annoyed and in denial about myself
its like i want to ******* scream
its like im trapped
trapped
and i feel obligated to stay trapped
..because im me
and because society and ppl
and like im not one to like to make others feel bad
....but like im so tired
its a ******* pain
making each and every day a task
...to mask the real me
and try and build this facade
impress evry ******* person i meet
...like its such a ******* task
every ******* day
for the past years
..its fustrating
i look at miley and demi and avril
then i look at me....
and i know that security and complete you...is possible
but its like...
who wants to sit sad
be ******* sad for a day, for weeks, for months
even years
like...
not me
im so tired and sick
and im done tryig to be what everyone else wants
....im done scrolling down my feed
and only seeing wrong
seeing wrong in me
and opportunities to change me
im tired of the negativity
and i refuse to live a day i jealousy, or in envy of some white, blonde *****
...i refuse
i refuse
...but also i fear
meaning i have no faith
my faith is in my mind
its coming out through my mouth
but its not their
its non existant
it wants to be their so ******* badly
but its not
its like i want to command my heart to believe
...but thats not possible
i cant command myself to die can i....
i mean.....