Validation is feeling the purpose in your life...
When I see someone smile at me...it's like a weight has been lifted
I feel uplifted...
When man sees desire in me....I see desire in me
...and this validation becomes my one motivation
....tbh there's nothing like validation...nothing
It's instantly uplifting...
I mean to know or feel like people care...to feel worthy
....and to accept the deception in your eyes to feel the warmth of being accepted
....my does validation **** ones soul....

...in every stroke of my box braids
I see an equivalent stroke of blonde hair
....blonde ******* hair
I'm in so much pain...
God where are you....
I need you...
I'm tired of lying to myself....repeating empty words
...I'm tired of these memories

All you do is talk
....just yappering in my ear
....you just assume
....assume
...do you even know me
...your own child
Mom I love you
can you accept me
as the soul i am
can anybody accept me as the soul i am
like God I love you
and your all I need
but....its a lonely trip on this earth
by yourself....
internally non blissent
almost non existent...
its like my life is Barbie
i live in this fake *** house
with my fake *** clothes
that i use to act a certain way
then...my fake *** Mom
is nice one moment
then you put her on the phone
...and she is literally the devil
...literally...
literally..
she just is so phony
her tone is different
shes bitter
and shes laughing about it
like its a ******* joke
like mom its me....
where is the love...
who are you...
are you even my Mom...
yes you gave birth to me...
but...
a Mother you are
but a Mom...
a Mom..
idk...
call me later and well talk...

So like i wowke up
and i was like i'm gonna read me some poetry
and i did it like..psshh **** it i did it
and i ripped 3 of my faves out
and decided i was gonna be positive right here right now
and decide to be ready for whatever comes my way and to change
because whatever i can't handle now...was designed that way
...so that i could grow and learn from it
so im sorta prepared to change
jammin to miley currently
and i'm just gonna chill
and be completely in the moment
doing my thang
because first of all it's my life
and we don't live in eternity
we live in a world full of people trying to make it
feel important and interpret life
so i don't blame them for being complete *******
but this time around im focusing solely on me
...time is winding down..and life's too short to count up who the **** hates me
and wonder how am i gonna show so and so how much i don't give a **** today
...like my life should be filled up with joy, adventure, and i'm gonna push my self to do that
me personally chooses not to give a **** about ****
that's me
that makes me happy
and ******* can talk, can laugh, and what not
but it's my life
straight up like i'm sorry if i offended you or if your angry of something that's going on in my bubble
but whatever our world right
but i'm focused on what i'm doing and on what the **** I want do
and I know you people viewing are like what the hell
your right

ya know little **** gurl
provin to ur bull that your better
and your doing better
a thot.......
just a thot....

hearts beating
in unison
as the world spins round and round
same heart but different soul
as we come together in a giant melting ***
different backrounds, different paths, different perspectives...
we are more united then we think
but the real beauty is when...
not only one color is revealed
but when you are able to appreciate the rainbow
the abstract things in life
...thats when youv'e discovered true beauty
thats when you know

When i see a cute boy
...my heart melts...
like i gotta glimpse of heaven
but when ***** opens his mouth
...oh no
oh hell to the nawwwww
.....just everyone else
looking for big ***** judy
same old same old
...whats new
next...

Dude i have no clue
no ******* idea...
why i continue to fantasize about chue....
idk...
what is it...
like 8th grade...
you...
the memory
continues...
after these past 2 years i still fantasize about you
....and i cant picture you accepting me...
for who i am
i can't
....like
when i picture you
...like i have to be o some mila kunis, megan fox, kim k typa ****...
its like i have to be this trophy in order to keep attention
...its like i knew you liked me
....and it was an interesting attatchment ill say....
but...
i guess it wasnt meant to be
i was looking for a **** buddy back then
and so were you
we were 8th ******* graders
i was immature af....
i didnt know **** tbh...
i was an air head...
who only cared about boys, popularity, friends, and herself...
i was a ***** lowkey
i wanted to be on top...
of the world
...of that school
...of him lol
but i was on the inside
...insecure
but he made me...
he fooled me
..into thinking he was securing me
....like ****
i was a fool
and i was def crushin on em
but now....
its really embarassing to think about
like....****
***
was 8th...the ****
ya know
that whole shabang
was really messin up
and im done with that past
pretending...
insecurity..
attention..
like....
i am over that
you were real to at the time
i was insecure looking for someone to clench on to
keep me up
motivate me
....but you did the opposite
you were like a demon in disguise
...no offense
i mean at the time speaking
but i dont want to cringe...
when i see a pretty *** girl
i dont need to pretend to be "pretty"
nor what you want
nor be that *****
because im not
...im so much more
....like....****
im done living a life in the shadows
a hidden life
my life...is what is what it is
take it...
leave it
i dont care
you are gone
im never gonna see you ever again
but i mean im sorry we couldnt be friends
but the tide
the flows gotta flow
ive gotta go
take ****
and ill keep it in the toilet...lets say that

I crave peace
security....
and i get annoyed....
i feel not understood
...my mind is so ******* overwhelmed
...but projects not ****
its so mother *******
afraid of who knows ******* what
...i sit here like a ******* doll
with my Mom yelling in my ear
as insecurity
those annoying *** voices...
continue to say your nothing
your nothing because your not good enough
...for this person
he wont think your hot
your not good enough
....i think you should be more like this ****** up person
...all it does is degrade me
...tell me im nothing
.....tell me im something according to society
...then ******* deceit me
its like what am i...
who am i
what have i become
....what do i truly value
...who the **** am i
...im a wreck
a ******* train crash
dead...
and its like
i crave identity and security so much
im willing to find it in a matter of seconds
...its like i have no sense of patience in that field
its like ive been sad
...crying internally
totally hiding it
....insecure with myself
angry
...but in denial
completely in denial
about my entire existence
its like i dont want to admit to the person that i am
...my mind craves more
it doesnt crave real
its a ******* ***** i tell a ******* bith
a real pai in the ***
im tired of giving a **** about what others think about me
im tired of giving a **** about anything
im tired of being so annoyed and in denial about myself
its like i want to ******* scream
its like im trapped
trapped
and i feel obligated to stay trapped
..because im me
and because society and ppl
and like im not one to like to make others feel bad
....but like im so tired
its a ******* pain
making each and every day a task
...to mask the real me
and try and build this facade
impress evry ******* person i meet
...like its such a ******* task
every ******* day
for the past years
..its fustrating
i look at miley and demi and avril
then i look at me....
and i know that security and complete you...is possible
but its like...
who wants to sit sad
be ******* sad for a day, for weeks, for months
even years
like...
not me
im so tired and sick
and im done tryig to be what everyone else wants
....im done scrolling down my feed
and only seeing wrong
seeing wrong in me
and opportunities to change me
im tired of the negativity
and i refuse to live a day i jealousy, or in envy of some white, blonde *****
...i refuse
i refuse
...but also i fear
meaning i have no faith
my faith is in my mind
its coming out through my mouth
but its not their
its non existant
it wants to be their so ******* badly
but its not
its like i want to command my heart to believe
...but thats not possible
i cant command myself to die can i....
i mean.....

I know ive been in new york for like 6 days
...but
this weird feeling
is like a fresh
sorta good
sorta bad
sorta ****** up
sorta not
sorta new
sorta really sorta weird
hella weird at that
its like a thirsty
....its like i expect something different
its like weird...
its fake
its pretty *** phony
its like
school...
its like life
its like my "new friends"...
i guess
its like idk....
writing this with a puzzled look like where do i even begin...

Like
...dude
random writing eh
.....like theres a tear forming in my eye as i say this
poetry is my escape
from my dreadful world
not yours
from people, my own ******* Mother....
not appreciating all that i am
people even those who "accept"
or dont give a ****....
ya know my world is far from perfect
in my world all i see are eyes on me....
all eye see is fear, pity.....
pretty much
...fake smiles
like pity for being black, sorrow in their eyes as they watch or fear of me taking their purse
.....i see disapointment
in the eyes of loved ones...
they sit and laugh
like im a joke
its like only i can truly give myself
what i desire
no man, no boy, no dude, nor dudet
can give me crap....
all the people in my world do
...is stare
they ******* stare
and i feel every emotion
of the people in the cars watching as i cross
as i walk down the stairs i see
as i write in my notebook isee
its like i live in a great world
but am distracted....
like i want to be free
but a burden is over me
....just laying there
and i put it there me
all me
i did
i told myself
and put the weight of obligation
on myself
but ya know what
to hell with that weight
to hell with my "world"
.......
truly
im just me
in a moment
...the moment
infinate moment
intricate moment....
oh hell ya
and ya know
....its hell
fire all over
maybe even worse
but....im kinda lovin it
its hell n back but....
its mine
i am free
its a weight meaning...
i can remove it whenever, whereever
if i want to......

My life
i feel like a seventy year old in a 15 year old's body
i feel so old
and i know all these life quotes n crap...
thats all i think about
...anymore
i used to laugh genuinly
when i was innocent
and i used to just lay on my Mothers chest and hug her and love her so passionately
although i wasnt perfect
i still smiled
i thought about ****...and fun ****
like i was lit
that was the life
wake up
brush your teeth with this singing tooth brush
go eat spiderman pancakes
then play with your dolly
and do that all day
wow life huh
....but what was this poem even about
...like
got so lost in the good old days

My body feels tired
But my heart is not yet satisfied
The body repeats soothing words lasting....for seconds
Than gone....
Like that
It's like I don't know what real is
I don't know what I want
Who the **** am I...I ask
Well I'm who I allowed myself to be
....I'm who decided to shy away from times of redemption
I decided to run to my mamas room when I was afraid
....I did it to me
So is it really deception of the mind
Or am I just afraid to accept my reality
...because I am real
As I pinch myself and cringe
...not the physical pain
But the pain of enduring Mother Earth
My child it says...
This poem isn't for the audience...
It's for you
And I say...
I've had the same morning for years
Deja ******* vu Mother Earth....
What a mother you are
How can you withstand the cries of your children...
No reply
...just the birds
The trees
...and your soul

You mellow
Soft
Plush
Sweet little kitty
Innocent before you entered society
When you entered middle school and realized the world wasn't all puppies...mad smiles
Soft kitty
Look at your past
Yes you were drained into a whole new persona
And you were forced to see your life differently
You've always been the outcast
No matter how hard you tried to fit in
You struggled as people spit on you
**** on you
As you...slowly believed it
Then all at once
....but soft kitt I feel it
This year...this month...this week...this day....
Is redemption time
You know your past
What you've been through
Bullying, insecurity, anxiety, shyness...
The past is over
The present is infinite
Life is a mystery
Follow your bliss...

Up down, up down
round and round
zig zags
and a little bit of throw up
and you have life
it's fun
but it's also a *****
but what i've learned so far is...
be a bigger *****
look it in the face and say
i know the ******* that your gonna throw my way
but im invisible and im gonna kick your ***
and then do it

Pecking away at the tree...
My tree of life...
As I peck n peck away to get the food...
My energy
My personal energy...
In why I'm powerful...unstoppable
It's like on some real superhero ****
But not having that food...man
I go so hungry and have no option but to feed off of the tree of others
The tree of dangerous thoughts
Of the past
Of friends...
Of fam
...not having energy of your own
Is like living a life based on the man next door

I asked you what you thought about my poem...and you said I loved the way you played with your words....
....as my heart froze....as my mind froze
Freeze...a frozen little paralysis as the mind was overjoyed to finally pour out to another soul...
First poetry reading ever and you say that....
Pity threw upon me...
As my heart became angry....
Soulless nights....crying....pain....michael...Zayn
The moment I've  been waiting for...
And allowed my happiness to form in someone else's hands....
I guess I am to blame...
As expectation calls my name...
Do I pick one or do I not....
So tempting man how do I stop...

It's like. Y little world right now
Is like....orbital ******* notation
It revolves around ****
And it realizes what it's doing
It has little *******
And it gets so lost in the good feeling
It loses it's valence electrons
And I guess I'm waiting for that **** to be gained back
....cuz like in chem we learned that yes electrons
A piece of you will be lost or get lost in infinity in air
In life this inevitable circumstance were in
We'll lose ourselves, and well feel like we don't belong
Like we don't coexist
But I guess the valence electron that I gained back
Is abstract
Valence electrons are abstract
Their there....scientifically proven
Also if you chose to believe
Choose to believe that you have a purpose beyond life
Your personal purpose
And be angry
Be sad
Be miserable in your little infinite inevitable moments....
But remember that it's all apart of life
My life right now
Is anxiety
But also laughter
It's fear
But also love
It's insecurity
But also content
You see I think I pave learned a little in my journey
That life isn't this one thing
It's not a mission to be chased
There's no perfect model of life
There's the bible, there's your God, and there's your life
And that's it
The choice is up to you
In which who your gonna be
It's like i know not easy and it's especially far from not easy for me
As we speak
I feel an obligation to write this crap
Poetry is an escape, it's beautiful, but also I feel like it's the enemy for me
It's like I have to confront my reality sorta thing
...but I made up my mind
And I know that don't mean ****
But I want to focus on more....other **** than my problems
Than what's going wrong
Than how bad I feel or have felt
I want to focus on me
And I want....
I want it all

Do I crave stoners...?
the pink hair...black..
weird *** rockstars
?...
it all feels weird
almost facaded...
i feel like anti barbie
fake and miserable yet somewhat alive
...i feel
.......
it feels like....
......
nothing
...but again something
like you were hit
but with nothing
or with something but didnt get hurt
...its like all in my head
its a made up feeling
....but from where i ask
from where i.......
ask
is it insecurity
....is it....
idk....
insecurity it is
is that you...
hiding in that corner
casting a shadow over me
...come out i declare you out from the shadows
....and tell me
....what i did to deserve this crap
....what did an innocent girl like me ******* do....
huh
yu miserable little *****...
its like i crave happiness?
but i dont know how to give that to myself truly...
and is it even something you can give to yourself?
because its a state of being...
its a state that comes and goes...
a feeling
not a thought...
yes i have control over my mind
...but my heart man....
a battle
only for God

TODAY WAS FURKING GREAT
ITS FURKING AWESOME
LIFE IS FURKING AWESOME
AND I HAVE RIGHT NOW TO DO ****
RIGHT AT THIS ******* MOMENT
AND IM GOING TO DO WHAT I WANT NOW
AND CHILL BECAUSE I'M LIVING FOR ME
like today i was chillin in my car and some lady just stared at me like full out stared, turned her whole *** back around too...
and my instinct was to show her how much i didn't give a **** about her
but you know what it's my life, people have no in on my life, they can't change who I am and i should'nt be afraid of that because if i really allow myself to love myself i'll be fine
like...
people don't even exist
it's only me and my life
whoever i let in is my buissness
whoever i don't then i'm sorry we couldnt chill
but life goes on
i can't continue to aspire to be proud of having boys google over me
or be ashamed when people laugh at me
or get embarrased or continue to get jealous over societal pretty girls
like yeah i'm different so the **** what
i'm done trying to prove it
so what i do what i do
it's my life isn't it
i only have this moment and the rest of my life to LIVE
my life is winding down
and i might have wasted 2 months of it...that i can't get back
like...
life is like a big old ice *** full of millions of people
melting little by little every second
beautiful but messy as ****
like were all beautiful, unique, different from each other
Africans, gays, lesbians, whites, native americans, like everybody we all shine equally
life is not a competition
....why does there need to be a high and a low
....lets ******* co exist like God intended
...i dont know about you guys but I'm done fighting myself against the world
the world has enough hate that i just don't want to be apart of and add on too so im out
I'd rather just chill in my own little world
with my people, new people who will come in and out...and maybe back in
...but my world is of love
...when someone calls me ugly...i say...ok and keep it movin
theres  no need to prove to them that i'm not what they think i am, or prove that i'm worthy
...not neccessary
...simply because it's my world
my life
no space, nor time, to be thinking about not giving a ****, about people, about life 24/7 like i think alot more about life thatn i actually live it and its ****** up
....i'm cutting all that uneeccesary thinking out, all that trash talk, all that rebellion against haters, no time to compete
no interest
...i value what i value
i love what i love
...i do what i do
you have your way i have mine
i define my own worth
i define my life
and simply i can choose
so **** U

Eyes glued to a computer screen...that is right in front of me
...eyes i control you...where are you planning on taking me
to a place of misery
....an eye squinted obviously means heavy judgement right
but only in my thoughts
as my eyes projected this thought
.....
water down the glue...and free yourself
...let your eyes project...freely
as a true camera lens would
....an artist lowers to meet with this lens...
and in this moment the power lies with the artist...
as the artist decides what will be seen and captures it...
thing is one cannot control what is seen...only what he or she chooses to see
...

So its finally 2015 the moment we've all been waiting for
and I feel like me...
ya know still a bit anxious
jumpy...
curious
and of coarse a ball of thoughts just rolling around
but tonight I went to church
and the pastor preached this message that almost felt like it was meant exactly for me
it was to be fearless
go into 2015 fearless
meaning problems will always be there
they were their since adam and even and will always be there until rapture time
but we should keep a strong faith in God and believe that he has us down pact, that were safe in his eyes, and all our problems are solved with him
we should put our worries aside and believe
like this message was for me
like 2014 was completely dominated by fear
fear of not being pretty enough, perfect enough, good enough, skinny enough, i just had a fear of not being important and worthy, but its done and I know that I'm safe with God that there is nothing to worry about
there is nothing that my Jehovah cannot do
nothing
so I keep my faith affirm
this 2015 i'm going in not perfect,not in my ideal image of myself cuz i will never be that cuz it's not me...
im going in with faith
....faith
i'm putting my fear down today
and i'm letting my God in and letting him completely work in my life
Im lowering my expectations this time
...im not looking for perfect
...im not trying to achieve perfection
I know the year my be a bigger ***** than 2014
but I'm going in fearless and opening myself up for change
I know that I'll feel insecure some days, I'll let people get to me, i'll feel down...
but i'll also have happy days where I just wanna shout Hallelua
but whatever yin yang
good and bad
...i think
but happy new years people;)

James...
You made me feel amazing
....hint made
In the past
And present me loves to hold your hand
...loves to imagine a world with you once more
...you made me feel secure
...it's nothing you did bad...
But looking back I realize what love doesn't look like
...but what insecurity looks like
...more specifically my insecurity...
All I wanted to be was white
With silky hair
With little cute tendrils
I squeakified my voice to be "not black"
And dressed in a revealing way for you...
And you fell for everything I wasn't
...and to this day
You still reminisce throughout my mind
...you lerk
And you don't stink
You don't make me sad anymore
...you just make me feel good again in times of distress
...and I see you in every guy I see
And I fear love because of you
...I fear hurt
...and I see 8th grade again
...but you know what
Thank you
Thank you the past because I have an amazing
..new beginning
I can be born again
I can be the realist form of me...
Thank you

I am 15 ******* years old
...like it or not
I am
Im a black african american female
parents from liberia and sierra leone
I love my culture the food it's all great
I listen to punk, soulful, chill really hipster music but im not
people expect me to be this rap poppin, head bobbin, "ghetto" and its like you can't win with anyone
you'll never be good enough or feel good enough if you try to impress the world...
or if you spend life looking for validation outside of your heart
I learned that the hard way
and am still learning
but today a man looked at me
it seemed like he was checking me out...
and I didnt know how to feel about that
like he was cute...but i was 15 and with my Mom
i guess i felt sorta inferior
like i lost a part of me
because i was insecure
and i feared him like asking for my number or some ****
but you know what...
I am 15 world...
sorry men out their 18 year olds
im not legal
but i drink i do all that crap
what a young person does duh...
but like why should i be ashamed?
I am who i am
like i have years til i'm an adult
why not cherish my young years
and spend it with people who can fully accept me fully
...i'd rather do that than feel like i'm hiding something
or feel like my friends don't get me
its really ******* uncomftorable
like i know perfect friends don't exist but my friends should accept me, get me, and bring out the best in me
not bring me down, laugh at me behind my back, and crap like that
but i mean bottom line I'm me
and i'm awesome
so **** my *** world
**** it real good
till the brown stuff come out
...yeah

When i look in the mirror
...i see a scared girl
...i see a girl brainwashed by society
wanting to escape
i see a ******* scared girl
surrounding herself with poetry and quotes....
thats all she wants to hear is how.....
how she can get here...in a mater of seconds
she wants to get from point A to point B
in 2 seconds...
shes so scared of the in bettween
she fears it....
she also sees
an ugly hideous beast...
looking through the societyscope
she sees an ugly *** monster
with thin eyebrows
ugly feet
ugly hair
bad skin
she sees all wrong
...because society sees all wrong
..she knows deep down that she has the tools to love herself
....but shes so brainwashed
from all those years and her surroundings
...she wakes up every morning
dreading the day ahead
fearing fear
insecurity
....she attends an al white school
meaning a building full of people believing that their way is the only way
...and she feels alone because according to society
..their right
so how does she gt out of that
...how can she love herself
when the world is telling her
that shes worthless because shes not the ideal
easier said than done
....how

...Opens up pacsun
last time I OPENED this up...man
...
i was drooling to have every single item on the page...
...I remember as greed and envy would sweep over my face
...I remember wanting the clothes to be seen
...I hear Aunty Toopee saying live a little in the backround...
live......a little
...and hurt myself while i'm at it....
....
maybe she really meant stop the worry and go run in the sun....
....maybe this lesson is...
letting go....letting life flow
....
maybe i closed my heart and only left my mind open to fashion...
open to absorb what everyone else is saying...
what everyone else is passionate about
...i don't think there was anytime in my life where i ever expressed myself through fashion...
honestly....
...fashion to me has been very compulsive...
its trendy and it's scary...
its everyone else but myself...
...i completely ran away from the fabric....
because so much has happened because of it....
now my Moms telling me im gross because i wear the same flannel...
Mom i'm sorry but im just comftorable..
and maybe that's bad...
that i go into a store and feel uncontrolled once I break the glass...
...and maybe i was meant to taste glass everytime I walked into a store
or opened up a magazine
or walked into a building of girls all carrying a louis tote....as your mama begged to get you a Michael Kors...
...and I said no
...clothes hurt
because it is the part of you where everyone sees...
....scariest part is not really what they see
its you....

My past is so ****
....then again deadly
...it's alive yet dead
...how can that be
When I look back
...l
I see beautiful blue eyes staring back up at me
...in the most romantic way ever
In awe of me....my body...my existence
....but I also see pain...hurt
Mainly insecurity
...of a girl dying for validation to her existence
Dying to fit in, dying to be cool, dying to be what everyone else wants....
But I look back and see how real it all felt
...how can someone be hurt and happy
I was limping that whole entire year believing I was happy...
And now I crave this validation
...I crave the feeling of being wanted
...of feeling ****
Of feeling the warm embrace of love
But does all of that truly exist
....no it doesn't
.bur how do I let go of something so warm
That seems like the only thing keeping me alive...
Letting go of my comfort...
Is the journey up a rise
Slowly begins in my stride...
Then rides through this journey of life
...

When i see that bolt turn on
I'm excited, afraid, and somewhat confused
Like i'm excited that first of all i got a like
that my poetry might've spoken to a soul out there
that you know i got a like...
i'm afraid of letting success go to my head...
i'm afraid of the torment that i am capable of
afraid of "dependation"
like idk its a personal thing.....
but i'm somewhat confused because i'm a pretty weird *** soul
....and i've never fully been content with myself like right now i love myself but i'm always wishing for better...
and there's a belief in my mind that everyone's out to get me
that i just don't belong anywhere
and i don't know if i'm ok with that....
it's so surprising when i find people who still talk to me
when i say something outta the norm, stupid, when i dress cray cray
but i guess those people are out there
...and i want to thank you for tolerating me
and accepting me

Idk this girl is just so amzing
she's my idol
Destiny hope Cyrus
******* awesome right
taught me how fun it is to be yourself
that it's ok to be different
to value something different
she showed me a whole 'nother world
a gift but also a curse
like i feel like im chasing myself along with the world
it feels like im alone but im not
weird huh

Body
A single glance I'm my rummy Tum Tum
Kills me
Idk if it's me being disgusted with my flaky, dull, black skin
Or am I ashamed of my entire existence
When I look in the mirror
I try to keep a serious mind
But truth is....you see what you see
And I see.....
Truth is I do see beauty
I see half societal Beauty and I see a scared girl
....when I look in the mirror I look scared af
And I don't like to look scared or weak
Especially to the white man or anyone else
It's like I fear
...my whole life
I fear that I may never truly find my happiness
I fear not being good enough for myself
And I fear that my story will never change
And I'm growing weary of myself
It's like I wake up
And it's like I live the same day over and over
I feel the same way
I see my dry flaky skin, my flaws
...and I pretend not to cringe
I pretend...
And that's my problem
I crave poetry...I just want to vent and write ******* entries
But apart of me is pulling me away
...you see my poems
Are my story
Their not beautiful to me
Their not abstract
It's the same story being told
And I've felt this way for a long *** time
And I'm done
I'm done hating myself

I crave....an answer
validation...
a reason for my existence
...i crave someone who cares
...well validation
that i matter
i might seek poularity
***
men
boys
friends
...my parents
my family
God...
all just to get that
....and i feel abandoned
forsaken
...i feel alone
like i live in a world with just me in it
i feel as if im in the center of a room
full of ppl
but they seem a blur
and all i see is a room full of haters
doubters
....i see nothing
but i feel everything
i see haters but i feel the obligation to be kind
i fear my emotions
i fear...fear
i fear people
and i fear myself.....
i crave i day....
one ******* day
where i can wake up from the best sleep ever
..where i can accept my flaws
except life and its imperfectness
except me falling in front of everyone
except insecurity
except the world hating me...
and i want it to happen right now
my fingers shake of eagerness to have it
to have the rush of content
.....i want it
....how can i get it
...ive spent a year searching for it
..can i search it
is it here
is it right in front of me
...i want to say yes
but i dont ******* know
i dont...
and im so impatient
and my faith......
how can i have that
if im sad...
in a world full of happy people
....people telling you your worthless
a world full of surprises
a world...
a life....
its like i dont want to accept reality
i really cant
and my heart or my mind wants it so ******* badly
....i know i have to
but i know i cant force myself
ive learned that life....
the world
isnt a wish granting machine
you just are....
you feel what you feel
you are what you are
and it is what it is
....i guess thats life.....
huh

Well....
To waking up every morning to an artificial purpose...
Let's drink to that *****...
To crying over a guy that didn't value you...
Cheers *****...
To nights spent in agony of Failure...
Cheers....
To going to skool only for validation of friends...
Cheers...
To shying away from yours true self cheers...
Like cheers cheers and cheers...
This is and was my life..
But this time lets make a new cheers...
A cheers to 2015...year of new
Year of York

Theres just something about people
who can not give a **** that gives me chill's...
idk....
i recently watched videos on avril lavigne and like miley cyrus...
and like they dont a give a crap at all
...it's really intriguing
and i get kinda jealous
...because i wish i could be that way
life would be so much easier
just a tad bit more
i'd be a go getter
i'd be daring
and i feel like....that's who i want to be at the moment
but the moment wants me to stay right here
and kiss my life

Miss thang learnin how to ****** breathe again
...ya feels ma vibes
I'm hitting up wit dat yoga ****
I don't gotta ***** but I realized that ***** don't bring da sunshine....
That clothes don't bring it
Nor do events n **** like whatevs to life right now
Like I'm infinit...I'm not who I think I am
I'm not who I was yesterday...
Oooh I'm not this one show monkey
I'm poly
I'm a poly
As are you
I'm not this rocker chic who loves miley
...but I am on this journey in digging deep into my soul and allowing the beams to radiate...
Putting down any expectation i have in this whole life thang n breathing...
I'm finally going to live in vitality...
And that's pretty exciting to know of a day where I'm not searching my past 24/7
That I can just breathe, sit back and enjoy my life....
Hint my...
What a dream
To not have a care in the world
But to have all of my cares in the world
And to put those before me...

Thank you...
For calling on me as I hid...
Thank you for all of your stares and mocks...
Thank you for spitting in my face.
Thank you for your pity.
...Thanks truly.
....
Your deed has directed me to my destined path.
....truly a task in the process
But you have allowed pathways in my soul to form
...because of you I had to choose for myself
...I had to choose between my heart and my mind
....i know I'll look back and understand your purpose fully.
But now I simply thank you.
Avroir until then.
When our worlds collide again...
Or never....
In a dream possibly.

Sometimes life surprises you
you go from pink and sparkly
to black
from this girly girl
to a tomish boyish thing
you go from society
to individual
or atleast on your journey
you really don't know what will pop up next
what challenge
who you'll face
what you'll face
its scary but exciting at the same time
like...
you could become a millionaire tommorow
you could meet your fave celeb
you may finally find your answer to all your problems
like...
life is that roller coaster
that your so mutherfucking excited to ride
but them it starts up and your scared as hell and you dont know *** to expect from it
it may go down
mybe to the left
or upside down
like you don't ******* know
but once the twist is over
you relax and realize it was nothing after all
but in life we can't control a lot of things
like people
things just bound to happen to us
....life
but i'm practicing patience
positivity
and faith
because that is all.....

I may not become famous
I may not be a model
or beautiful "according to society"
or" smart" according to society
but the amount of people that like me does not define me
my success does not define me
my beauty does not define me
the clothes i wear does not define me
the grades i make...does not define me
in this society...it feels a need to have a higher level to overlook everyone else and put them down
and this is the logic that it actually uses
that a man with a more money, with a big *** house, with designer clothes..
is better than the poor man, with barely anything...
what the hell is that?
the girl with long hair, whiter features, lighter skin...is better than the girl without those features...
because society says this is beautiful and this is what's not
i just laugh to myself...
i mean a group of people one day
their own perception...not proven facts
decided that you know im gonna favor white people and have them be on God's level
cuz i like their skin better, and their hair
so i'm going to put everyone else below them and treat them like ******* crap
.....this society is so sickening
our world is beautiful but society wow
go to hell really....

So i just ya know browsed
and i got a little angry but...
**** the haters...
wannabe God's
but ya know i typed ******
and behold behold what popped up
like wow
got thinking
like a poem was like
they see my hoodie and assume da da da da da
..and whatever
and like in my daily life
i mean theres real ppl sure...
but
ppl see me
my skin, my beautiful ***** braided hair, and choose to see...
evil....
see a criminal..
just see the fear in their face...
its like im all they see in that hallway
like im bout to **** em or some ****
its reall weird
and i dont think anyone can get used to someone potraying them as a killer first sight...
its like either that..
or they just see bad...
they see a reason to pity
they wanna feel sorry for me and dont even know my story
...or if i even have a story
they see a criminal, a fool, *******, ugly chic, and a sob to feel sorry for..
ya know
and i think people just kinda stare...
they see me confident
...enjoying myself
..well pretending to
and they stare
oh yes
they stare
they try to...
but their drawn
like i actually did some wrong ****
and this the whole world im talkin about
everyone judging me
and putting me under one of those catergories
but you know some smile
"smile alright"
you know im not racist
i just feel the way i am is better
spare me your lame excuse girl
spare me
like ive seen it all
and its something that i used to hide
like i didnt see it
but i mean
those he cant handle
my boldness
can go **** themselves
cant handle my blackness
my "ghettoness"
my me'ness
then bye
its like yeah
this is me
life chooses not to go in my direction
simply because its a *****
and i mean life dont like perfect...
so what
..im still a rockstar
i got my rock moves
and i dont need you
..or is it help
but either
life is life
i lie..you lie
i **** up..you **** up
im scared ..your scared
you get it
life is full of many awkward situations...
and people
o the people
but life is so much more than that....
and everything else
...to me
its about exploring a world of wonder
and laughter
and flowers and rainbows
and smiles
and kisses
and love
and realness
its very real when you realise
...like literally in 2 seconds...
that i mean its not gonna be perfect ever
and your mind is built to try to picture the most perfectess crap ever
and it wants you to be happy
...thats all but
think....
allow yourself
to be in now...
not in anyone else's mind
but yours
because thats why its
your
im pointing at you
mind...

What may my purpose be...
As a fifteen year old girl I'm lost honestly...
...I mean the world seems so clear to me now
And I feel myself getting pulled in
But confused on a direction...
Should I follow this man. Or this route...where in carnation do I go
Who do I trust...
Do I listen to the girl calling me a ******.
Do I  listen to my Mom telling me to make friends...
Do I listen to them...
How do I truly let go and trust God...
Lost I feel.
Lost in my own emotions.
...one step at a time my child
One task a a time
God takes care of all...
He looks after all...
Under one condition...faith
Faith in him and in your task...
Believe...
And conquer..
Go for it child life only comes one time around.

I'm the only person who can give a **** about myself
Nobody cares about me to that extent
In the real world....nobody kisses you're ***
Nobody
In the real world people will hate me....they will laugh at me....and me trying to show them that I'm either better than them or badder
....does nothing.....
Simple fact is....this ****** up world is ****** up
Full of people who believe that you need to be a certain way....
Sit with you're legs crossed, listen to this if you're like black or something....
Well guess what world
I am black....a female
I listen to rock, heavy metal anything I want cuz it's my life
And guess what....you don't matter...your ****** up opinions don't matter
And me thinking about who's laughing at me or staring makes me really angry and sad....
So I'm done...
Focusing on the haters
Because haters are gonna hate
They won't admit it
But these haters are so insecure with themselves or maybe not
But they're jake I ***** that put others down ....
For whatever reason
Because they believe they're better.....
How ****** up is that....
How ****** up is that....
To live in a world where that's ok.....
Like I will make sure....
That I make my mess my message...
And fight for my freedom and inspire others to too...
To not join the crowd because a jack *** is laughing at cha...
Because he's calling you names....I want you to flick that ***** off
Flick his *** off and walk away showing him you're beautiful ***
And go back to doin you...
Because even haters aren't worried about cha...
Their just miserable and mean
Don't give in
You're better than that....
You have a life to live....
You're life...
You're beautiful life....
Notice I said you're life....not theres...
They can't tell you ****
Remember that
Keep it in you're heart
And never let the world make you angry....
.........but I'm already angry and have no idea what to do.....

To me my iPad is so ****** deadly...
The universe is deadly...Instagram is deadly...
I can't step one foot outside without worrying about man...
And most of all my thoughts are hella deadly...
So if the universe and I are deadly...
Where is does my salvation lie...
Where is the hope...
Deadly thoughts coming to life
I'm alive but feel dead
Nothing I do ever feels enough
...it's like I'm waiting for this grand moment of vitality...
But in reality it's not gonna come to me...
I've got to bring it to life...
Idk like when I go ino my mind...
I see poison...poisonous pills in one of those weekly pill cases
I see a lifetime of cases
Like....
The ****

As i scrolled through these job questions...
...taken to an actual place in my mind where...i see
where a picture baffles me and is engraved into thee
....when i think of overcoming struggles
i think no more Michael, everything will be perfect, i will never be jealous again...
...i think of an actual scenerio...as if i'm the starring act of a play
....as if i have already gathered up my script for the day
today...reading to children...hmmm i thought
...a fear faced...but with a thought..and a script
yea of done this before...thing is I havent
....no matter how much you practice the math or study the text...
...what happens in the next few seconds isn't guarenteed...
...sometimes it is luck that we find our expectations to have been met
...but truly i think fate
...this summer...my goal is to move forward...to learn the art, to expand my mind, do new things
...
something holds me still...
...
girl you don't know what happens next please comprehend this
...the most useful bit of advise
expectation or may i say the vision....
how can you love or be passionate about something...if its planned
...
my thing is fear of being without the words...being hurt...misguided
I am vulnerable without the words...
the words bring comfort
...trying to make a platform out of thin air

My name is....
I'm 15 years old going on 16
I don't exactly live for anything
...I mean I live for people
But I'm not proud of it...
It's like I feel a burst of excitement when I'm excepted...
And it's terrible
...insecurity is ******* terrible
....it's like being stabbed with 50 knives
It's like wanting everything and getting nothing
...terrible analysis but whatevs
...but I crave myself
I crave my love
..and I'm not getting it
What's wrong with me where is the love
My nails are black
My weaves in tight
I'm skinny as ****
I've starved myself
I've read confident articles
My idol is miley ******* cyrus
I've had faith
...now what
Where the hell am I
Who the hell am I ...
I have no idea
And why the hell do I fear myself
Ppl
And this whole entire world
I hide.....
In my little comfort bubble
With my mouth to bite my nails
Pretending to be occupied
Away from awkwardness
**** this
**** me...
What and who am I
Cuz I'm not living for me
...I'm living and dying a terrible terrible deed....

it hits you
your life just kinda lightly hits you
...and then bam
it hits you hard but not hard enough to knock you out
...but after its done with you you wish you were
.....the room spins as words, moments, the past
whirl around with you
or more importantly whirl you around
...they control you
give you a mental anguish
its like your afraid of them
...your afraid of what will happen without these things
....you fear...
idk
your soul does tho....

People this year really ******* surprised me
..my Mom, my "friends", and aquaintances
but throughout this whole year...to think not one person that truly loved me...accepted me
and this year has been extremely hard because...i felt really lonely
that no one got me, that I had no place, and i chased people who were pushing me away
i felt like a strayer, like mud left behind
this year I've really been able to see the hate of the world
when i've been nothing but kind, when i went out of my way to be accepting
but i could sit here and rant
or I could say It is finished
even if it's not 2015 yet...the past is done
no going back...
and i don't regret anything
but how i treated myself
and allowed myself to act...

My Moms a little *****....
all she does...
i mean stop
im not even in the mood for writing
like back the **** up off me ya little *****
go get some ******* friends
all u do is worry about me
on the school website 24 ******* 7
til you "saw" a 2 hour delay this morning
its like your my roomate
like an annoying *** buzing in my ear
i try to wasp you away
but its like your their
i dont feel comftorable even when i am
and im done with the unatural feelings
if its comftorable it is
...and if its not....
it isn....
ya know i dont even know why i stress...
like why...
why i even care
...like my feelings...
are my ******* feelings
....i do what i do....
i am who i am...
and its like?
like ya know....
like im in the shadows
but i have a big *** sparkly unicorn entertaining everyone
that either love it or hate
its like im fake as ****
but genuinly nice
but out of a sorta obligated way
like nice but ya know i dont wanna scare you off nice
or i dont want you to think im aggressive or anything nice
.....
you feel
its weird
my mind
...its like
whewwwwww
life tho.....

Ya know
.....I have mega internal issues
...with self true acceptance
......insecurity and all that crap
....but I am not any less worthy than the ***** with all her **** made
...the ***** with tons of friends
Kim kardashian
Sorry but my girl Miley, Avril
...like according to the world I'm a monster
....I'm ugly
..everything I do is wrong
Simply because of my skin color
....according to everyone
...I'm lame because I smile a lot
Wear different clothes
...and there has been a point in time
...**** it there is a point in time
Where I'm believing it
My insecurities
My ****** mind
...people
The world
....like I don't know what the hell I fear
Like....
I am who the hell I am
I'm not perfect
I'm hella insecure
But I like to mask it
And I'm afraid of showing the real me
Doing me
....and I don't even think I remember who the real me was before
I believed the world
....ya know but
.....poetry
Idk it makes me feel a little unreal
Like I have to
....everything becomes that for me
Good...then gone
...I try searching for that real feeling I once had
But it's gone
.....gone
..are you happy world
...are you happy
...because I'm not
....I'm fake
I'm phony
I'm unreal
...I've been shot
Bullet after bullet
And I'm told that their not even real wounds
....I've tried and I've failed
What is next
What is now
..I ask

It feels peaceful...
different...
a little scary
but rather nice...
as my heart beats in unison with my bae Miley
I feel so broadened
so on going
i feel infinate
my mind is clear but my heart just keeps on expanding
I mean i still feel like anxious old
wanna not give a **** me
but i steppin up
and i feel the embrace
and i can't wait to see what's in store in my future:)

This breath is to my past
...I'm inhaling but not exhaling
Or should I exhale to release the hurt?
Or do I just **** it all together and forget about it...
Like I see so much hate and fire..
It's so unpleasant to look at my own reflection and to only see Beaty because someone else does
...and vise versa
I envision a life where freedom can take my hand
Where I'm not afraid
A freebeing just in the moment
Expressing her individuality
And accepting others
And I see perfect in my vision
Something that will never be reached...

Fear of going back to my old ways
fear of being too ******* weird
fear of being judged and looking weak
sweety stop.....
you went through 2014..the whole entire ******* year giving yourself advice all the way through
every single day
you thought it would ride out
but it didnt
you had all this information but remained unconfident
the same person
you did'nt step out of your comfort
you didn't allow yourself growth
but today yor'e gonna let yourself feel down
you're gonna feel insecure
you'll feel not good enough
but you already know the deal it will pass
and you are keeping faith that no matter what crap happens
God has already paved the way, and you have to get stabbed a few times, to have wounds to heal, so ride it out right now
your struggle will pass.....