it hits you
your life just kinda lightly hits you
...and then bam
it hits you hard but not hard enough to knock you out
...but after its done with you you wish you were
.....the room spins as words, moments, the past
whirl around with you
or more importantly whirl you around
...they control you
give you a mental anguish
its like your afraid of them
...your afraid of what will happen without these things
....you fear...
idk
your soul does tho....

Ya know its really hard to love yourself when your mind...
is constantly alerting you of danger
...its like shut the **** up already
like i dont remember the last time i was at peace with myself
like really relaxed....
ya know
im never at rest
....im never fully in the moment
but then again i am
its like im constantly searching for that level of completion
whether it be growing more hair
impressing that boy
looking like kim k
like im constantly looking for that outside source to complete me
....but its like
im here
right at this moment
and afraid
but life is alive
it is very alive
and it waits for no one
it will shove fears in your face
be your best friend
its everything in one
its life
and im in it
and one day it'll be gone
then what.....
james wont matter
my reputation wont matter
...like right now
is not the turning point for me to get up as a new different person....
or wake up from the deceitful life ive been in
but just....
bleh just becoause life
like...
life is life
...its my life no matter what
and nobody....
people
not even Miley matters in it...
because its mine...
i get to choose what happens....what i do
life is life and my life is my life...
remember that....

Ya know
.....I have mega internal issues
...with self true acceptance
......insecurity and all that crap
....but I am not any less worthy than the ***** with all her **** made
...the ***** with tons of friends
Kim kardashian
Sorry but my girl Miley, Avril
...like according to the world I'm a monster
....I'm ugly
..everything I do is wrong
Simply because of my skin color
....according to everyone
...I'm lame because I smile a lot
Wear different clothes
...and there has been a point in time
...**** it there is a point in time
Where I'm believing it
My insecurities
My ****** mind
...people
The world
....like I don't know what the hell I fear
Like....
I am who the hell I am
I'm not perfect
I'm hella insecure
But I like to mask it
And I'm afraid of showing the real me
Doing me
....and I don't even think I remember who the real me was before
I believed the world
....ya know but
.....poetry
Idk it makes me feel a little unreal
Like I have to
....everything becomes that for me
Good...then gone
...I try searching for that real feeling I once had
But it's gone
.....gone
..are you happy world
...are you happy
...because I'm not
....I'm fake
I'm phony
I'm unreal
...I've been shot
Bullet after bullet
And I'm told that their not even real wounds
....I've tried and I've failed
What is next
What is now
..I ask

Personal struggle
Like girl I ask....
Do you ever get tired?
Like.....
Internally anguished
******* tired
...and physically impaired
...because home girls mind is telling her
...no that's ghetto
Or you have to be cool
.....like do you ever get tired
....of pretending to be this fierce chic
.....but underneath your just so insecure
And your crying for help
But you don't want anyone to know
...you starve yourself
...**** your stomach in
....when you look in the mirror...
All you see is ugly and you know it
.....you see crusty toes
And how no guy will like you
Or you see another opportunity to reel a ***** in
Ya know are you tired
...of the run
Are you not exhausted
..ok I spelled that right
...but really
You've been running for a couple years now
...chasing happiness
...chasing temporary things
...looking in the same places
...the past
For happiness
I mean...
Come on now
That happiness was lost
It's gone
That's why your not happy
Your listening to the negative voices in your head
And your listening to your head
.....all it does is gather information from the outside
It doesn't compare to your heart
...now your heart believes it knows the truth
...but your head will tell you **** until you believe it
......it will tell you....
So girl...
You've chased it...
Now have faith
What do you have to lose
Your already unhappy
The one thing you shouldn't be on this earth
...the one thing you are supposed to love for was taken away
....believe
.....don't ramble
Don't think
Don't talk
Don't look
Don't move
....******* believe
...and then....
My friend....

Ya know
Life goes on
Ppl change
They come
...they go
Many ppl won't even give a ****....
Simply because it's not there life....
Like....
Who am I living for besides my self
Like yeah I'll meet ppl
Make friends
But it doesn't matter at all
What I do
...or how I do it
...like **** all you hoes
....*******
....who cares if I write **** **** **** all over my twitter
...like I'm who cares
And only me
....everyone wants to be accepted and cool
...like **** them
..they don't care if I'm gay, or black, or weird
....they just want to fit in with society so ******* badly
...like bye
....

My flow
...is jet lag as ****
...it's unsure
...it's a well...tug of war
Between my heart and my mind
......my heart is saying
...Miley
Feel me
Feel the wind
Every breath
Cherish me
Fear not
.....than my mind
Is just going wild
No peace whatsoever
Just kinda scattered thoughts
Jumbled up with the past
...the present
Trying to predict the future
Having this perfect outlook on what my life should be like
.....but who new my own mind could deceive me
I sit here on the verge of unreal and real
I pour my heart out
But it's just another way to binge the **** out of my brain
To feel complete
Like poetry I absolutely love
It's so peaceful
So angelic
Then again it's almost an answer
You log out pour your soul out to this site
....and you feel relaxed and better
.....it's like idk
Weird
It's only me I bet
But....poetry is not my life
Sometimes I don't feel alive
Right now I don't feel real
I feel like I'm constantly on the search for an answer
Not even realizing it
Me here sitting innocently
...as the lions roar
As a jungle emerges inside my head
Louder than my heart
.....my soul waits strongly
For a girl to have faith
.....and I guess it really is my choice
....between....
Myself vs me
....wait

My soul imagines
a life
without fear
without worries
without....fear
a life full of adventure...
without....
a lot of things......

My life
i feel like a seventy year old in a 15 year old's body
i feel so old
and i know all these life quotes n crap...
thats all i think about
...anymore
i used to laugh genuinly
when i was innocent
and i used to just lay on my Mothers chest and hug her and love her so passionately
although i wasnt perfect
i still smiled
i thought about ****...and fun ****
like i was lit
that was the life
wake up
brush your teeth with this singing tooth brush
go eat spiderman pancakes
then play with your dolly
and do that all day
wow life huh
....but what was this poem even about
...like
got so lost in the good old days

All you do is talk
....just yappering in my ear
....you just assume
....assume
...do you even know me
...your own child
Mom I love you
can you accept me
as the soul i am
can anybody accept me as the soul i am
like God I love you
and your all I need
but....its a lonely trip on this earth
by yourself....
internally non blissent
almost non existent...
its like my life is Barbie
i live in this fake *** house
with my fake *** clothes
that i use to act a certain way
then...my fake *** Mom
is nice one moment
then you put her on the phone
...and she is literally the devil
...literally...
literally..
she just is so phony
her tone is different
shes bitter
and shes laughing about it
like its a ******* joke
like mom its me....
where is the love...
who are you...
are you even my Mom...
yes you gave birth to me...
but...
a Mother you are
but a Mom...
a Mom..
idk...
call me later and well talk...

Like
...dude
random writing eh
.....like theres a tear forming in my eye as i say this
poetry is my escape
from my dreadful world
not yours
from people, my own ******* Mother....
not appreciating all that i am
people even those who "accept"
or dont give a ****....
ya know my world is far from perfect
in my world all i see are eyes on me....
all eye see is fear, pity.....
pretty much
...fake smiles
like pity for being black, sorrow in their eyes as they watch or fear of me taking their purse
.....i see disapointment
in the eyes of loved ones...
they sit and laugh
like im a joke
its like only i can truly give myself
what i desire
no man, no boy, no dude, nor dudet
can give me crap....
all the people in my world do
...is stare
they ******* stare
and i feel every emotion
of the people in the cars watching as i cross
as i walk down the stairs i see
as i write in my notebook isee
its like i live in a great world
but am distracted....
like i want to be free
but a burden is over me
....just laying there
and i put it there me
all me
i did
i told myself
and put the weight of obligation
on myself
but ya know what
to hell with that weight
to hell with my "world"
.......
truly
im just me
in a moment
...the moment
infinate moment
intricate moment....
oh hell ya
and ya know
....its hell
fire all over
maybe even worse
but....im kinda lovin it
its hell n back but....
its mine
i am free
its a weight meaning...
i can remove it whenever, whereever
if i want to......

My Moms a little *****....
all she does...
i mean stop
im not even in the mood for writing
like back the **** up off me ya little *****
go get some ******* friends
all u do is worry about me
on the school website 24 ******* 7
til you "saw" a 2 hour delay this morning
its like your my roomate
like an annoying *** buzing in my ear
i try to wasp you away
but its like your their
i dont feel comftorable even when i am
and im done with the unatural feelings
if its comftorable it is
...and if its not....
it isn....
ya know i dont even know why i stress...
like why...
why i even care
...like my feelings...
are my ******* feelings
....i do what i do....
i am who i am...
and its like?
like ya know....
like im in the shadows
but i have a big *** sparkly unicorn entertaining everyone
that either love it or hate
its like im fake as ****
but genuinly nice
but out of a sorta obligated way
like nice but ya know i dont wanna scare you off nice
or i dont want you to think im aggressive or anything nice
.....
you feel
its weird
my mind
...its like
whewwwwww
life tho.....

ya know little **** gurl
provin to ur bull that your better
and your doing better
a thot.......
just a thot....

So i just ya know browsed
and i got a little angry but...
**** the haters...
wannabe God's
but ya know i typed ******
and behold behold what popped up
like wow
got thinking
like a poem was like
they see my hoodie and assume da da da da da
..and whatever
and like in my daily life
i mean theres real ppl sure...
but
ppl see me
my skin, my beautiful ***** braided hair, and choose to see...
evil....
see a criminal..
just see the fear in their face...
its like im all they see in that hallway
like im bout to **** em or some ****
its reall weird
and i dont think anyone can get used to someone potraying them as a killer first sight...
its like either that..
or they just see bad...
they see a reason to pity
they wanna feel sorry for me and dont even know my story
...or if i even have a story
they see a criminal, a fool, *******, ugly chic, and a sob to feel sorry for..
ya know
and i think people just kinda stare...
they see me confident
...enjoying myself
..well pretending to
and they stare
oh yes
they stare
they try to...
but their drawn
like i actually did some wrong ****
and this the whole world im talkin about
everyone judging me
and putting me under one of those catergories
but you know some smile
"smile alright"
you know im not racist
i just feel the way i am is better
spare me your lame excuse girl
spare me
like ive seen it all
and its something that i used to hide
like i didnt see it
but i mean
those he cant handle
my boldness
can go **** themselves
cant handle my blackness
my "ghettoness"
my me'ness
then bye
its like yeah
this is me
life chooses not to go in my direction
simply because its a *****
and i mean life dont like perfect...
so what
..im still a rockstar
i got my rock moves
and i dont need you
..or is it help
but either
life is life
i lie..you lie
i **** up..you **** up
im scared ..your scared
you get it
life is full of many awkward situations...
and people
o the people
but life is so much more than that....
and everything else
...to me
its about exploring a world of wonder
and laughter
and flowers and rainbows
and smiles
and kisses
and love
and realness
its very real when you realise
...like literally in 2 seconds...
that i mean its not gonna be perfect ever
and your mind is built to try to picture the most perfectess crap ever
and it wants you to be happy
...thats all but
think....
allow yourself
to be in now...
not in anyone else's mind
but yours
because thats why its
your
im pointing at you
mind...

When i see a cute boy
...my heart melts...
like i gotta glimpse of heaven
but when ***** opens his mouth
...oh no
oh hell to the nawwwww
.....just everyone else
looking for big ***** judy
same old same old
...whats new
next...

Real is when you can admit that you dont smoke?
that you can admit your faults
...your flaws
with your heart
not your mind
...its the now
its pure
its better than *** ill tell you that
its so freeing
better than rainbows
but maybe not unicorns
...and glitter
but its a hell a lot better than going around faking a persona, being all big and bad for people who arent gonna matter truth....*******
snobs
maybe some some nice people
....but being real is focusing on you
on the now
and doing what you love now
if your afraid its not real
not real at all
however you want to interpret that...fine
but life...
i tell ya
is real
but at the same time not
its full of this ideal....picture
and everyone is adapted to think that this is what its about
that we gotta beat em...we gotta be better
to have worth
....and this is phony
its fake
.....
first of all
friends...they come, they go...gone
****
new ones appear
....same **** happens
come gone, maybe back, maybe forever
but they come and they go
but what stays forever is your soul
...you are not the people you **** with
the words you say
the age you are
the money you got
the clothes you wear
your house
your "race"
your whatever
.....you are not that
you are your soul
and you are different from the ***** next to you....
either your friend or your not so friend...
but you guys werent made to be the same
different souls
different souls
....and your friend
you probably wont see her
or associate in 2 years or more in your case
but...people come and go
...so put all your focus
...in bettering yourself
..for your sake
and the people you love...will love you regardless...
i mean if they truly do they'll accept you
so put all your energy
into living your definition
of the most perfect life ever
if it feels extremely weird
then stop everything your doing weird
...if you really wanna do this
..i dare you to just go for it
youlll thank yourself on your death bed
.....cuz life is not forever
and right now
i am 15...
ive never smoked
i have drank...not gonna lie
but.....i have a whole life ahead of me
to be whatever in the moment
soooooo.....
who cares if i lie about smoking ***
and hating it
who cares....
my life
my soul
is inevitable
and is mine
and i treasure it
as much as my hair...
and that my friends is very real for a young black chic in a world like this....

What the hell did you do to my song

The now...
is not fake
its up front
even when its bad...
its pretty good
its like...***
its like...
so real...
its like you
in your realest form
if you think about it
like right now
as you breathe in the fresh fumes of life
the now
the precious present....
so beautiful
and take look around
at this very moment
and see progress
momentum
everything just quiet
...thats if you just cherish the now
like today at school
idk i got caught up in friends...people....friends
and i mean i lost myself...
but the now.....
man the now
how precious
if you just look around
....forget about tommorow
and yesterday
forget about **** to do
if you just focus on you...and the now
best friends for life....
then youll be satified
internally
and....eternally

Dude i have no clue
no ******* idea...
why i continue to fantasize about chue....
idk...
what is it...
like 8th grade...
you...
the memory
continues...
after these past 2 years i still fantasize about you
....and i cant picture you accepting me...
for who i am
i can't
....like
when i picture you
...like i have to be o some mila kunis, megan fox, kim k typa ****...
its like i have to be this trophy in order to keep attention
...its like i knew you liked me
....and it was an interesting attatchment ill say....
but...
i guess it wasnt meant to be
i was looking for a **** buddy back then
and so were you
we were 8th ******* graders
i was immature af....
i didnt know **** tbh...
i was an air head...
who only cared about boys, popularity, friends, and herself...
i was a ***** lowkey
i wanted to be on top...
of the world
...of that school
...of him lol
but i was on the inside
...insecure
but he made me...
he fooled me
..into thinking he was securing me
....like ****
i was a fool
and i was def crushin on em
but now....
its really embarassing to think about
like....****
***
was 8th...the ****
ya know
that whole shabang
was really messin up
and im done with that past
pretending...
insecurity..
attention..
like....
i am over that
you were real to at the time
i was insecure looking for someone to clench on to
keep me up
motivate me
....but you did the opposite
you were like a demon in disguise
...no offense
i mean at the time speaking
but i dont want to cringe...
when i see a pretty *** girl
i dont need to pretend to be "pretty"
nor what you want
nor be that *****
because im not
...im so much more
....like....****
im done living a life in the shadows
a hidden life
my life...is what is what it is
take it...
leave it
i dont care
you are gone
im never gonna see you ever again
but i mean im sorry we couldnt be friends
but the tide
the flows gotta flow
ive gotta go
take ****
and ill keep it in the toilet...lets say that

Do I crave stoners...?
the pink hair...black..
weird *** rockstars
?...
it all feels weird
almost facaded...
i feel like anti barbie
fake and miserable yet somewhat alive
...i feel
.......
it feels like....
......
nothing
...but again something
like you were hit
but with nothing
or with something but didnt get hurt
...its like all in my head
its a made up feeling
....but from where i ask
from where i.......
ask
is it insecurity
....is it....
idk....
insecurity it is
is that you...
hiding in that corner
casting a shadow over me
...come out i declare you out from the shadows
....and tell me
....what i did to deserve this crap
....what did an innocent girl like me ******* do....
huh
yu miserable little *****...
its like i crave happiness?
but i dont know how to give that to myself truly...
and is it even something you can give to yourself?
because its a state of being...
its a state that comes and goes...
a feeling
not a thought...
yes i have control over my mind
...but my heart man....
a battle
only for God

My Mom...she's great...
ya know...
but i feel a draft
like an awkwardness...
like is it in my mind...
should i change...
should i act 5...
again...
what happened...
does she not accept me?
for me...
does she crave that little girl
who wore pink everyday...
got all A's
was perfect..
fit in
was girly as ****
does she crave it?
as sorrow pours from my heart...
a flood of tears shed internally
for the relaxed relationship we once had
...not something i faked
or something i tried to keep alive
...oh mother what happened
...is it me..
is it you
...is it life...
oh i....

Idk...
it sorta just flows
my stanzas
flow
the lines...
the abbrieviations
just kinda flow
my spelling...obviosly not
but i flow
when i write i dont even know how but i just kinda flow
so whats the problem with my life
my mind
why doesnt that **** flow...
i dont get it?.....

I know ive been in new york for like 6 days
...but
this weird feeling
is like a fresh
sorta good
sorta bad
sorta ****** up
sorta not
sorta new
sorta really sorta weird
hella weird at that
its like a thirsty
....its like i expect something different
its like weird...
its fake
its pretty *** phony
its like
school...
its like life
its like my "new friends"...
i guess
its like idk....
writing this with a puzzled look like where do i even begin...

I'm the only person who can give a **** about myself
Nobody cares about me to that extent
In the real world....nobody kisses you're ***
Nobody
In the real world people will hate me....they will laugh at me....and me trying to show them that I'm either better than them or badder
....does nothing.....
Simple fact is....this ****** up world is ****** up
Full of people who believe that you need to be a certain way....
Sit with you're legs crossed, listen to this if you're like black or something....
Well guess what world
I am black....a female
I listen to rock, heavy metal anything I want cuz it's my life
And guess what....you don't matter...your ****** up opinions don't matter
And me thinking about who's laughing at me or staring makes me really angry and sad....
So I'm done...
Focusing on the haters
Because haters are gonna hate
They won't admit it
But these haters are so insecure with themselves or maybe not
But they're jake I ***** that put others down ....
For whatever reason
Because they believe they're better.....
How ****** up is that....
How ****** up is that....
To live in a world where that's ok.....
Like I will make sure....
That I make my mess my message...
And fight for my freedom and inspire others to too...
To not join the crowd because a jack *** is laughing at cha...
Because he's calling you names....I want you to flick that ***** off
Flick his *** off and walk away showing him you're beautiful ***
And go back to doin you...
Because even haters aren't worried about cha...
Their just miserable and mean
Don't give in
You're better than that....
You have a life to live....
You're life...
You're beautiful life....
Notice I said you're life....not theres...
They can't tell you ****
Remember that
Keep it in you're heart
And never let the world make you angry....
.........but I'm already angry and have no idea what to do.....

You know
Today was my first day at my new high school
And it was pretty ****** up
And I don't want to sit here and try to rush myself into a confidence....
Bit it made me realize how much I hate myself
Or how insecure I really am
Or maybe just life idk
But I made me realize the real world we live in
That yea when you're truly being yourself doing you
Yes their will be nice people very few
But yo the ******* and the *** holes
******* over flow
It's crazy ****** up
I has to come home crying
Like the first class I walked in first of all was an all white class
And I could see the pity in teachers eyes
As the students crackled in the back
As they stared like I was an animal
Mentally puting on a facade
Like today was ***
It really was
I didn't go to lunch out of fear....
But like no words
.....it'd life life is flicked up you heard
This was a really ****** up moment for me
And I've never felt so much like ****....
In my life
.....it took me right back to middle school
With James
And all that
It reminded me of my fight for "confidence" for acceptance from *** holes
To stare at me and love me
Think I'm pretty, hot and whatever
But you know that didn't go so well
It made me even more insecure
But I'm opening my mind up
I'm not saying everything's gonna be perfect
......but I'm gonna focus on myself
.....my personal happiness

You mellow
Soft
Plush
Sweet little kitty
Innocent before you entered society
When you entered middle school and realized the world wasn't all puppies...mad smiles
Soft kitty
Look at your past
Yes you were drained into a whole new persona
And you were forced to see your life differently
You've always been the outcast
No matter how hard you tried to fit in
You struggled as people spit on you
**** on you
As you...slowly believed it
Then all at once
....but soft kitt I feel it
This year...this month...this week...this day....
Is redemption time
You know your past
What you've been through
Bullying, insecurity, anxiety, shyness...
The past is over
The present is infinite
Life is a mystery
Follow your bliss...

So I'm starting school tomorrow
A whole new school...
I don't know what to expect
I'm scared as ****
But my guard is up which is the only thing keeping me sane...
But high school eh...
High school..
Who knows...
But what I know
Is me
My heart
My soul...
That's it my answer

Why am I so angry I ask ?
When did I become so furious with the world?
** made me this way...The world or I
I ask I ask I ask....
I've been asking for several years...
Still no answer
I've asked and I've tried
Tons of **** to call attention to myself
I dressed up for people
I tried to be ****** popular
I tried the don't care I'm Kylie Jenner thing
All of those felt right temporarily...then gone
Then on the search again...
My last resort is faith
Believing that God will come through
Look at Demi lavato
..all the miracles that he gave to people
And all the blessings I have
He will come through for me...
But on time's time...
It's a journey
I gotta learn ****
To move forward
And I know where I am right now isn't right
I can't live for other people like it's ok
I can't live I'm fear...
Right now I'm a scared little girl
Scared as ****
Hiding behind a facade
But starting tonight I'm throwing that **** facade in the garbage
There is nothing in this world that will make me happy
No clothing
No celebrity
No feeling
Nobody
On the outside
But the only thing is
Contentness...
Life for me
Is not a lot of things....
But it's about what's on the inside
Like today I scrolled on Instagram
I saw miley cyrus of coarse and one of her back up dancers
And her back up dancer is short a ****** and I thought to myself how did she find the light....
How is she smiling
And wearing things that the world doesn't approve of
And doing what she wants
Truly..
Not out of rebellion or selfishness
How the ****...
Does one do that I ask....
How?

What is it about a skinny perfect body that makes you happy?
What is it about long straight silky hair that makes you get butterflies in your stomach?
What is it about perfect flawless features that make you confident?
What is it about ******* perfection?
I'm not gonna sit up in here and tell you **** you already know....
But I will say
I've spent years on a pursuit for happiness....
I have yet to find it..
I shaved, I got weaves, I did my eyebrows, I was a clean freak, I was a people pleaser, I was miss perfect, miss Paris Hilton, miss pink everything, miss black everything, I've tried about everything....
And I feel like I've hit rock bottom
Yes.
I'm young and you look at me and say there's bills and bigger problems out there?
But these are my problems and my struggle
Today I declare my search over
Happiness comes in no quantity
It is not perfect
It's something that cannot physically be found
But must mentally be seen
It is abstract
You must believe it to see it
You can't tell yourself to be happy
Or all these ****** up reasons why you should be happy
And say YEAH I'm happy...
**** that no your ******* not
You can't do that
It's the impossible
You must believe
Because if you won't...
A life of misery, insecurity awaits you

My life in one flash
In one word
...non existent
All I do is think about others
That's my daily thought
How will others perceive me when I do this?
It's always the main idea no matter in what language, sign, or gesture
If I say I'm going to be confident today
It usually translates to...
I'm gonna act like miley cyrus today...
I'm not gonna give a **** or I'm gonna act like I don't to gain respect from people
...see it's always about people
...why am I shaped out like this
It's like I have no way out
It's like I'm trapped in a box
With a years worth of instructions to get out
But just can't seem to figure it out...
I guess my answer was there all along
God of coarse
But it's like my faith is shaking
I don't want to down talk my God
But it's like more of a feeling of obligation than faith
It's like you feel like you have to because everyone else is telling you too
And I just need to forget everyone else
And stay in faith...
It really is like I'm trapped in a box
Like I know exactly what it takes to be confident, reasons, explanations all of that crap I know it
Like my idol is miley cyrus
Like I know that only God can judge us, and that **** the haters because they don't matter
But I have no idea to get out of my low

Like I spent all of 2014 worrying about haters...
Googling all this crap on how to forget them
And all o that
But it's like why am I still here
I am missing something
It's like I know
But I know it's something that cannot be said
It isn't another thing that I can tell myself
It's something beneath my soul
A belief
It's faith...
Something beyond my control
Something so abstract
But I gotta believe in something....

I don't need to undersexualize myself to be considered a non ****
I don't need it
.....nor do I need to do anything for a mans ****** attention
If you want me
Turn my heart on
Accept me for what I do
What I wear
But don't be there for ***
Or to trophy me to your friends
It seems like genuine guys are a hard find
Like you really have to go through the whole friend thing if you want a good guy
Who's gonna like you for you
Not for having the fattest ***
Or the prettiest society face
Like me for me that's all...
I am not defined by my body
Nor what I put on my temple
I am defined by my soul
That's it....

Scrolling down my feed
Sees a pretty girl
....I'm not the hater type but
I think **** her ***....
Why can't I look like this low key
Then I think why do I crave this
The attention from others
From guys....
To know that your beautiful...
That you're worthy
It's like girls do whatever show you're *****, where a space suit, cover up, like whatever you do
You're worthy
You're worthy because of what you wear within your soul
Even if you're wearing no clothes
You wear confidence within your soul
And I salute that
Respect
No hate
Just a thought
An impulse....

Competition...
For who...
Try to be better than the butch next to you...
*******...
For what
Can we all not coexist
I'm not interested in a competition....
Vanity...nah
Money..nah
Just plain nah...

New flame
West islip high school
Another hell I have no idea I'm getting myself into
I refuse to make it another me story
Another struggle to fit in story
Like all of my previous years
I really don't want to sit here and plan
Cuz life can't be planned
It works on its own timing
I hope for the best
I'm going in with confidence in myself
Knowing that I'm important
No matter who judges me
I'm important
In an almost all white school
Yeah I'm ******* important
And I'll remember that
I am loved
By God, my family , by me.....

I realized a lot of things today
Ying both yang
I experienced extreme anxiety
Talked to myself non ******* stop....
Mental anguish you know.....
Reminded myself I was human
And repeat
It's like a never ending cycle for me
It just repeats
It's like I can't allow myself to fly
Just do life
Endure it
Go through it
If there's a flame you know have the ***** to go through
Like there's something holding me back
It's like I avoid it
I tell myself some reasonable excuse to make it seem ok
But like I have no wounds
Just fear
I mean I have scratches but not wounds......
I never allow myself to just go out there
In the unknown and take that ***** on
This is not another sappy happy story...
It's a documentary from my heart....

so i was just kinda sittin in ma chair
..and i realized that
we don't have forever....
each day, each moment, each hr, each second
is like melting ******* ice....
i know its cray cray
but its real
we are not in eternity
we don't have forever
like one day im gonna ******* die
one day
and its like who am i living for right now....
what is being **** for boys?
what is that...
what is dressing to impress?
what is this lavish lifestyle we all chase?
what are cars?
this metal with wheels?
to have *** every day?
to have a billion boyfriends?
like idk
this is not life you guys...
i dont want to constantly be trying to less slutify myself so ******* view me as classy...
i don't want to feel like i need to wear all black and be hipster to feel well fitted...
like the **** is that
what are *****...
what is a nice body?
what is an ***....
what are all these things?
what is attention...
what are these things that are so called important?
huh
aspiring to be like a model
so boy's will think youre hot
so you can feel like totally great about yourself
than that boy misusing your body and you go tweet about eating icecream because youre so ******* heart broken
like **** the ideal...
**** this planned perfect lifestyle
really....
**** it
life is truly a mystery
to me atleast...
but who says that's not fun....

ya know...
the thought is exciting yet trembling
its like 20 seconds ago i came to the realization of the reality of my go...
i'm going to a new high school in the middle of the school year...
i have high *** anxiety
the skool is 6 percent blacks in the whole high school
and i'm a hella *** different
like i have my own take of life, i'll stand out like the black dot on the white paper...
the thoughts just kinda making me anxious
....but i guess its fine
like im not gonna sit in here trynna force myself out of humanity...
but like im human
life happens
and experiences, and moments like this
****** up moments
that you dont ******* like...
strengthen you
i guess
but i'm not gonna do anything crazy
like search how not to give a ****
or look at a thousand miley pics to figure out how i can be like her...
although i will do that but i'll be me in the process
..i'll cry
i'll have mini heart attacks
i'll panic
i'll do whatever
but it will pass
and when it does i'll look back wondering why i ever worried
but i'm going by my message
...life may be a ***** sometimes
but its only a ***** to test you
its one of those *******
but it loves you and wants to strengthen you
with all you're wounds and crap
they'll seal up
and when you get stabbed there again it wont even hurt
sooooooo....
therefore
let life do life
and let the moment be the moment
if you needa cry
if your scared be scared
it'll pass
but just have faith
and never feel sorry for yourself
because you have God by your side!

midnight thoughts..
so l went to my aunts and watever
this movie was playin and just flashed me back to a special someone
and emotions were running all over the place
but it was all negative
like the good feelings started arising
then i remembered how he made me, truly feel...
aside from the whole **** facade i put on for him...
but like yeah he just kinda kept replaying in my mind
and its kind of ****** up
i dont like it
its taking me back to 8th grade
the feeling of obligation
of acceptance
....to be seen as cool
its like the angel and the devil on my shoulder
its ****** up
but its fine
its apart of the whole journey
its ****** up...but it'll get ******* better
...one day
i wont crave the attention anymore
or the acceptance
but its apart of it...
like im gettin there...

It feels rather nice
relaxing
embracing every second of life
laughing
making fun
...it feels..nice
having worries
but putting them aside for life's sake
it feels nice
so blanking nice
;)

struggling to let go
but i feel myself going up
i feel my hands sliding of the monkey bar
it took a lot of sweat....but its slidin
it is slidin my friend.....

Fear of going back to my old ways
fear of being too ******* weird
fear of being judged and looking weak
sweety stop.....
you went through 2014..the whole entire ******* year giving yourself advice all the way through
every single day
you thought it would ride out
but it didnt
you had all this information but remained unconfident
the same person
you did'nt step out of your comfort
you didn't allow yourself growth
but today yor'e gonna let yourself feel down
you're gonna feel insecure
you'll feel not good enough
but you already know the deal it will pass
and you are keeping faith that no matter what crap happens
God has already paved the way, and you have to get stabbed a few times, to have wounds to heal, so ride it out right now
your struggle will pass.....

I may not become famous
I may not be a model
or beautiful "according to society"
or" smart" according to society
but the amount of people that like me does not define me
my success does not define me
my beauty does not define me
the clothes i wear does not define me
the grades i make...does not define me
in this society...it feels a need to have a higher level to overlook everyone else and put them down
and this is the logic that it actually uses
that a man with a more money, with a big *** house, with designer clothes..
is better than the poor man, with barely anything...
what the hell is that?
the girl with long hair, whiter features, lighter skin...is better than the girl without those features...
because society says this is beautiful and this is what's not
i just laugh to myself...
i mean a group of people one day
their own perception...not proven facts
decided that you know im gonna favor white people and have them be on God's level
cuz i like their skin better, and their hair
so i'm going to put everyone else below them and treat them like ******* crap
.....this society is so sickening
our world is beautiful but society wow
go to hell really....

I love fashion..well sorta
and i kinda like shopping
but i feel like i use it as an escape
more of an impulse
ad a rage that goes through my mind...
i guess the idea of just buying something that'll make you happy
..that i can't control myself
its like a warzone for me
like when i think of the mall
im thinking i hope no one took that cute sweater i wanted...
or i hope there arent that many people so i can have everything i want...
it's weird
in this country..
i guess the same effect goes with money for many people
and what i have to say
...to myself
and you out there
....money cannot be eaten
it's not that important
God can provide all you're happiness, all youre necessities...
so stress not of tommorow
or fear not of not being happy
...because it's down the road
..and little by little
the sunshine will start coming in through youre shattered glass
and then you will start seeing the beauty again
the purpose...
just wait....

Girl
Do I appreciate all the gratitude
and comments i receive from others...
but i have a huge fear of becoming to rapped up in it
and latching on to that for home sake
but ya know there are people out there who love me, who can learn to accept me, and who just are ******* awesome and who ******* just do....
girl....
there's nothing that you have to do anymore
there are people out there for you
so don't go searching for stoners, "hipsters", or smilers
because you feel like you fit in with them
cuz you don't
your your own person
you revel in you're uniqueness
you fit in with your heart
and you'll find people just like that
not just weird clothes, all black wearers, who smoke ****, and ya know gypsy sorta people
....i mean you have a lot in common with them
but they do not define you
its not a group that you belong to
you can float in space peacefully
counting your stars
with your cats and photos of miley cyrus
you're fine...
and until you find people who can appreciate that...
you'll be fine...

As i scroll down my instagram feed in fear of becoming jealous
of one's body
or one's long luscious hair
or one's "societal" beauty
or just plain ******* awesomeness
I think to myself
like an old broken record player
the words continue playing in my head
your ******* beautiful
in my head
but not my heart
it's obviously not right down there
because jealousy, fear, and hate roams
come on girl get right i say
you'll get better another day
maybe not today maybe not tommorow
but take the risk...
you may feel envious today but who knows what more you'll learn about yourself and come to love...
who knows what the future holds...

Some people see it as a wonderland
..at some point i did too...
i'm a pretty skinny girl with "the ideal" body
and of coarse that **** blew up in my head like crazy
I saw it as an escape from my world
that i was ashamed to live in
i'd whiten myself up...
bleaches, "white girl clothes", the voice...
all to fit in
but in reality
my body is nothing but my body
its my temple
and I don't value it any more than this society does
lumps of fat on my chest "give me my value"
and guys will do anything to get inside the ***
so society has you sittin here questioning..
is that all i should aspire to do...
to look cute, to be "pretty", to be strong but not too strong, to marry, to wear girly clothes, love pink, like....
*******...
my body is my temple
and it guards my heart my prized possession
the only thing keeping me alive physically and emotional in our world
yeah i might've been extremely insecure like 20 secs ago
but i might have muscular thighs, my **** may not be ideal according to you, or i may be perfect to you idk
but people nor society defines me
and my life is so much more than my body, than the clothes on my back, than the food on my table, than the worry...
my body is my temple
and it is beautiful
it is art
and perfect just as it is...
it's my art
my temple....

I am 15 ******* years old
...like it or not
I am
Im a black african american female
parents from liberia and sierra leone
I love my culture the food it's all great
I listen to punk, soulful, chill really hipster music but im not
people expect me to be this rap poppin, head bobbin, "ghetto" and its like you can't win with anyone
you'll never be good enough or feel good enough if you try to impress the world...
or if you spend life looking for validation outside of your heart
I learned that the hard way
and am still learning
but today a man looked at me
it seemed like he was checking me out...
and I didnt know how to feel about that
like he was cute...but i was 15 and with my Mom
i guess i felt sorta inferior
like i lost a part of me
because i was insecure
and i feared him like asking for my number or some ****
but you know what...
I am 15 world...
sorry men out their 18 year olds
im not legal
but i drink i do all that crap
what a young person does duh...
but like why should i be ashamed?
I am who i am
like i have years til i'm an adult
why not cherish my young years
and spend it with people who can fully accept me fully
...i'd rather do that than feel like i'm hiding something
or feel like my friends don't get me
its really ******* uncomftorable
like i know perfect friends don't exist but my friends should accept me, get me, and bring out the best in me
not bring me down, laugh at me behind my back, and crap like that
but i mean bottom line I'm me
and i'm awesome
so **** my *** world
**** it real good
till the brown stuff come out
...yeah

One thing I sort of learned...
is that people will accept you for your weird crap
you don't have to learn to survive on your own
and force yourself to be alone for "survival"
life's crazy
especially so am I
and I'm slowly coming to myself everyday
I'm facing obstacles that scare me
like running in public or something
and I'm learning how to embrace every part of me
...you hear that
I'm LEARNING
meaning i'm subjecting myself for change
this time i'm open and i'm not forcing myself
i'm just sitting in my relaxing wooden boat
floatin through life, the rocks, the waterfalls, the beautiful caves, the creatures....
I am aware of our broken world
but in a way
it being broken
things being broken allows for growth
for strength
and without obstacles and crap that i've stepped in...
I would've never came to the realization of where I stand
I would still be that girl living for the world but miserable inside
or idk other way around
but like I said i'm a soul
with traits that some people classify as weird
I just classify them as me
and I'm working on the embracement day to day
not mentally but "heartly" emotionally lol
but yeah i'm a human being with my fair share of **** like everyone else in this world
i'm slowly finding out the things that make me happy
the things that **** me off
and ya know...things
but i'm a soul...
and i gotta give it to myself

So its finally 2015 the moment we've all been waiting for
and I feel like me...
ya know still a bit anxious
jumpy...
curious
and of coarse a ball of thoughts just rolling around
but tonight I went to church
and the pastor preached this message that almost felt like it was meant exactly for me
it was to be fearless
go into 2015 fearless
meaning problems will always be there
they were their since adam and even and will always be there until rapture time
but we should keep a strong faith in God and believe that he has us down pact, that were safe in his eyes, and all our problems are solved with him
we should put our worries aside and believe
like this message was for me
like 2014 was completely dominated by fear
fear of not being pretty enough, perfect enough, good enough, skinny enough, i just had a fear of not being important and worthy, but its done and I know that I'm safe with God that there is nothing to worry about
there is nothing that my Jehovah cannot do
nothing
so I keep my faith affirm
this 2015 i'm going in not perfect,not in my ideal image of myself cuz i will never be that cuz it's not me...
im going in with faith
....faith
i'm putting my fear down today
and i'm letting my God in and letting him completely work in my life
Im lowering my expectations this time
...im not looking for perfect
...im not trying to achieve perfection
I know the year my be a bigger ***** than 2014
but I'm going in fearless and opening myself up for change
I know that I'll feel insecure some days, I'll let people get to me, i'll feel down...
but i'll also have happy days where I just wanna shout Hallelua
but whatever yin yang
good and bad
...i think
but happy new years people;)

My body shakes like im a ******* crack addict
my heart quivers as a ***** would....
im just so ******* jittery i think
i can't ******* stand still
i always gotta be on the run
like i honestly have a problem
i just sit thinking...
thinking of me thinking...
thinking of what to do next
i never actually savor
im just on the run...
should i embrace it
maybe its a sign that i should get out
and what i'm doing now isn't enough
that i crave the volts of life
the adventure
the danger
maybe i want to take it by the lapel...whatever that means and kinda ride it wherever it takes me
and be like yeah...life ya know
crazy hell of a *****

Hey guys
I come in my most real form
a little bit of me and a little bit of crap that haunted me in 2014
but i come in me
i'm still here...
i made it
maybe not safely
life aint safe
but i made it...and that's all that imma focus on
i made it through times i thought i couldn't
i.....made it
i got through it and i'm still here with faith higher than ever
i have moments of regret from like 20 secs ago
but i mean its done
its ****** up
but i'm over it
i have and have had my fair share of ****
...but the new year is approaching so
im dumpin the old **** out and reeling in the new ****
perhaps dog **** or cow **** this time
idk...