Don't you get it MEX
there are real people who will accept you for you
for your own personal struggle
your personal weirdness
so uncooth right
but there out there
just keep being yourself
cuz that's truly all you can be
try being Miley Cyrus and you feel ****** up why....cuz your not her
your awesome, your weired, unfiltered, ****** up
so be as loud as your mind

I can feel the warm ******* embrace
I feel the flowers slowly beginning to sprout...
where darkness overshadowed
.....
the faith has taken over
and i feel it
it's real
God is real

How does a morning so delicate so perfect...
turn into such a miserable day
to insecurity
to me shaming every single thing
carrying around a frown for fashion
....i guess i really want to sit up in here like i usually do
and mumble, rant on for hours about my so far **** day
find the answer i'm looking for than come back 3 hrs later
i guess my real thing is
is letting life flow
and i know exactly what that means...

Competition...
For who...
Try to be better than the butch next to you...
*******...
For what
Can we all not coexist
I'm not interested in a competition....
Vanity...nah
Money..nah
Just plain nah...

So its finally 2015 the moment we've all been waiting for
and I feel like me...
ya know still a bit anxious
jumpy...
curious
and of coarse a ball of thoughts just rolling around
but tonight I went to church
and the pastor preached this message that almost felt like it was meant exactly for me
it was to be fearless
go into 2015 fearless
meaning problems will always be there
they were their since adam and even and will always be there until rapture time
but we should keep a strong faith in God and believe that he has us down pact, that were safe in his eyes, and all our problems are solved with him
we should put our worries aside and believe
like this message was for me
like 2014 was completely dominated by fear
fear of not being pretty enough, perfect enough, good enough, skinny enough, i just had a fear of not being important and worthy, but its done and I know that I'm safe with God that there is nothing to worry about
there is nothing that my Jehovah cannot do
nothing
so I keep my faith affirm
this 2015 i'm going in not perfect,not in my ideal image of myself cuz i will never be that cuz it's not me...
im going in with faith
....faith
i'm putting my fear down today
and i'm letting my God in and letting him completely work in my life
Im lowering my expectations this time
...im not looking for perfect
...im not trying to achieve perfection
I know the year my be a bigger ***** than 2014
but I'm going in fearless and opening myself up for change
I know that I'll feel insecure some days, I'll let people get to me, i'll feel down...
but i'll also have happy days where I just wanna shout Hallelua
but whatever yin yang
good and bad
...i think
but happy new years people;)

so i was just kinda sittin in ma chair
..and i realized that
we don't have forever....
each day, each moment, each hr, each second
is like melting ******* ice....
i know its cray cray
but its real
we are not in eternity
we don't have forever
like one day im gonna ******* die
one day
and its like who am i living for right now....
what is being **** for boys?
what is that...
what is dressing to impress?
what is this lavish lifestyle we all chase?
what are cars?
this metal with wheels?
to have *** every day?
to have a billion boyfriends?
like idk
this is not life you guys...
i dont want to constantly be trying to less slutify myself so ******* view me as classy...
i don't want to feel like i need to wear all black and be hipster to feel well fitted...
like the **** is that
what are *****...
what is a nice body?
what is an ***....
what are all these things?
what is attention...
what are these things that are so called important?
huh
aspiring to be like a model
so boy's will think youre hot
so you can feel like totally great about yourself
than that boy misusing your body and you go tweet about eating icecream because youre so ******* heart broken
like **** the ideal...
**** this planned perfect lifestyle
really....
**** it
life is truly a mystery
to me atleast...
but who says that's not fun....

Fear of going back to my old ways
fear of being too ******* weird
fear of being judged and looking weak
sweety stop.....
you went through 2014..the whole entire ******* year giving yourself advice all the way through
every single day
you thought it would ride out
but it didnt
you had all this information but remained unconfident
the same person
you did'nt step out of your comfort
you didn't allow yourself growth
but today yor'e gonna let yourself feel down
you're gonna feel insecure
you'll feel not good enough
but you already know the deal it will pass
and you are keeping faith that no matter what crap happens
God has already paved the way, and you have to get stabbed a few times, to have wounds to heal, so ride it out right now
your struggle will pass.....

Ya know
.....I have mega internal issues
...with self true acceptance
......insecurity and all that crap
....but I am not any less worthy than the ***** with all her **** made
...the ***** with tons of friends
Kim kardashian
Sorry but my girl Miley, Avril
...like according to the world I'm a monster
....I'm ugly
..everything I do is wrong
Simply because of my skin color
....according to everyone
...I'm lame because I smile a lot
Wear different clothes
...and there has been a point in time
...**** it there is a point in time
Where I'm believing it
My insecurities
My ****** mind
...people
The world
....like I don't know what the hell I fear
Like....
I am who the hell I am
I'm not perfect
I'm hella insecure
But I like to mask it
And I'm afraid of showing the real me
Doing me
....and I don't even think I remember who the real me was before
I believed the world
....ya know but
.....poetry
Idk it makes me feel a little unreal
Like I have to
....everything becomes that for me
Good...then gone
...I try searching for that real feeling I once had
But it's gone
.....gone
..are you happy world
...are you happy
...because I'm not
....I'm fake
I'm phony
I'm unreal
...I've been shot
Bullet after bullet
And I'm told that their not even real wounds
....I've tried and I've failed
What is next
What is now
..I ask

When i look in the mirror
...i see a scared girl
...i see a girl brainwashed by society
wanting to escape
i see a ******* scared girl
surrounding herself with poetry and quotes....
thats all she wants to hear is how.....
how she can get here...in a mater of seconds
she wants to get from point A to point B
in 2 seconds...
shes so scared of the in bettween
she fears it....
she also sees
an ugly hideous beast...
looking through the societyscope
she sees an ugly *** monster
with thin eyebrows
ugly feet
ugly hair
bad skin
she sees all wrong
...because society sees all wrong
..she knows deep down that she has the tools to love herself
....but shes so brainwashed
from all those years and her surroundings
...she wakes up every morning
dreading the day ahead
fearing fear
insecurity
....she attends an al white school
meaning a building full of people believing that their way is the only way
...and she feels alone because according to society
..their right
so how does she gt out of that
...how can she love herself
when the world is telling her
that shes worthless because shes not the ideal
easier said than done
....how

Thank you...
For calling on me as I hid...
Thank you for all of your stares and mocks...
Thank you for spitting in my face.
Thank you for your pity.
...Thanks truly.
....
Your deed has directed me to my destined path.
....truly a task in the process
But you have allowed pathways in my soul to form
...because of you I had to choose for myself
...I had to choose between my heart and my mind
....i know I'll look back and understand your purpose fully.
But now I simply thank you.
Avroir until then.
When our worlds collide again...
Or never....
In a dream possibly.

Snow falls gently from the sky
As I sit quietly in the ******* dark
Roses are red
I am blue
It's valentines day
What about you?
What about I?
I who has tried...
To stay alive
Stay above the waters...
But here I pray...
For long I've awaited
But right now something that's been long in my face
Has never forsaken me
Amen

Trying to figure out the bigger picture of a puzzle way to challenging for your mind...
attempting to see a mind that wasn't meant for your eyes...
....its like the ph stick
some taste sweet and others bitter
we cannot control taste...
we cannot try to taste bitter when we taste sweet...
we must realize that we have grave purpose...
there is a reason why you taste sweet....embrace it mama(liberian man would say)

A blessing in disguise
A breath of fresh brittle *** dry *** ****** air
It's like refreshing to know of hope
...to know that you're gonna be ok in the long run
But you don't know my mind
..it won't **** the ******* hell up
It's telling me to just think about every single problem in my life...
All I see is wrong because of that
All I see are people judging me
White people staring at me from the cars, in the hallways
....I begin to believe what they see
A criminal...
And ....
I'm gonna make something outta this little mess
...I read this thing on twitter
Where it was like you get so caught up in your mess and you continue to make more mess
And when it's all said and done you look back and feel hopeless as **** because ur mess is ******* huge
...if that makes sense
But I'm sick and tired of npbeimg sick and tired
...I'm tired of the same ******* story every day
...this is my new beggining

My life right now
As i browse my laptop
searching the world for a new activity
....i feel pointless
like i have nothing to live for
like i'm living for nothing
blankness
like we live for money.....paper
clothes....cotton
people..for worth
and life.....we don't

New..sance
New since
My heart truly feels like a nuisance to my soul...
It beats but in harmony with my soul..? I question
I question my genuinity...
My life, my purpose..like one if I'm wasting...
...it's like how does one remain calm
How can one be themselves without thinking about it
...I crave the day where I am free from this zombie apocalypse
A day where I can wake up and breathe...
Smell flowers not weeds
Wake up positive and bright
Salivating the moment in its glory...
But fantasy I tell you this day that I wait for Is false...
It's not a lie but it's a dream...
I know dreams come true but...when it comes to your heart...
That my friend is real and you come to know that fantasies are not welcome there...

People this year really ******* surprised me
..my Mom, my "friends", and aquaintances
but throughout this whole year...to think not one person that truly loved me...accepted me
and this year has been extremely hard because...i felt really lonely
that no one got me, that I had no place, and i chased people who were pushing me away
i felt like a strayer, like mud left behind
this year I've really been able to see the hate of the world
when i've been nothing but kind, when i went out of my way to be accepting
but i could sit here and rant
or I could say It is finished
even if it's not 2015 yet...the past is done
no going back...
and i don't regret anything
but how i treated myself
and allowed myself to act...

Miss thang learnin how to ****** breathe again
...ya feels ma vibes
I'm hitting up wit dat yoga ****
I don't gotta ***** but I realized that ***** don't bring da sunshine....
That clothes don't bring it
Nor do events n **** like whatevs to life right now
Like I'm infinit...I'm not who I think I am
I'm not who I was yesterday...
Oooh I'm not this one show monkey
I'm poly
I'm a poly
As are you
I'm not this rocker chic who loves miley
...but I am on this journey in digging deep into my soul and allowing the beams to radiate...
Putting down any expectation i have in this whole life thang n breathing...
I'm finally going to live in vitality...
And that's pretty exciting to know of a day where I'm not searching my past 24/7
That I can just breathe, sit back and enjoy my life....
Hint my...
What a dream
To not have a care in the world
But to have all of my cares in the world
And to put those before me...

Instagram...
Twitter...
Are ******* shark tanks for me...
In my mind their deadly
I fear songs, pictures, and this world
I fear getting eaten up
And beaten up until the point where I become one of the sharks
As I type in my username
...I stare into space for like 10 seconds and wonder do I want to swim with the sharks today...
A part of me is like **** it just do it...
Then another me is terrified and wants to chicken out
But I guess I'm waiting for that in between phase...
Where I can accept trouble and jump in
...but now I've realized that simply taking a simple breath and a baby step
Is one step toward a whole you
A complete you
...so the deep end will be scary...
For how long idk...
What will you face?....no ******* clue
But I've learned that in your personal pursuit you have to go beyond yourself...
And maybe one day you'll see the beams of your radiation

Like
...dude
random writing eh
.....like theres a tear forming in my eye as i say this
poetry is my escape
from my dreadful world
not yours
from people, my own ******* Mother....
not appreciating all that i am
people even those who "accept"
or dont give a ****....
ya know my world is far from perfect
in my world all i see are eyes on me....
all eye see is fear, pity.....
pretty much
...fake smiles
like pity for being black, sorrow in their eyes as they watch or fear of me taking their purse
.....i see disapointment
in the eyes of loved ones...
they sit and laugh
like im a joke
its like only i can truly give myself
what i desire
no man, no boy, no dude, nor dudet
can give me crap....
all the people in my world do
...is stare
they ******* stare
and i feel every emotion
of the people in the cars watching as i cross
as i walk down the stairs i see
as i write in my notebook isee
its like i live in a great world
but am distracted....
like i want to be free
but a burden is over me
....just laying there
and i put it there me
all me
i did
i told myself
and put the weight of obligation
on myself
but ya know what
to hell with that weight
to hell with my "world"
.......
truly
im just me
in a moment
...the moment
infinate moment
intricate moment....
oh hell ya
and ya know
....its hell
fire all over
maybe even worse
but....im kinda lovin it
its hell n back but....
its mine
i am free
its a weight meaning...
i can remove it whenever, whereever
if i want to......

When i see that bolt turn on
I'm excited, afraid, and somewhat confused
Like i'm excited that first of all i got a like
that my poetry might've spoken to a soul out there
that you know i got a like...
i'm afraid of letting success go to my head...
i'm afraid of the torment that i am capable of
afraid of "dependation"
like idk its a personal thing.....
but i'm somewhat confused because i'm a pretty weird *** soul
....and i've never fully been content with myself like right now i love myself but i'm always wishing for better...
and there's a belief in my mind that everyone's out to get me
that i just don't belong anywhere
and i don't know if i'm ok with that....
it's so surprising when i find people who still talk to me
when i say something outta the norm, stupid, when i dress cray cray
but i guess those people are out there
...and i want to thank you for tolerating me
and accepting me

New flame
West islip high school
Another hell I have no idea I'm getting myself into
I refuse to make it another me story
Another struggle to fit in story
Like all of my previous years
I really don't want to sit here and plan
Cuz life can't be planned
It works on its own timing
I hope for the best
I'm going in with confidence in myself
Knowing that I'm important
No matter who judges me
I'm important
In an almost all white school
Yeah I'm ******* important
And I'll remember that
I am loved
By God, my family , by me.....

I crave....an answer
validation...
a reason for my existence
...i crave someone who cares
...well validation
that i matter
i might seek poularity
***
men
boys
friends
...my parents
my family
God...
all just to get that
....and i feel abandoned
forsaken
...i feel alone
like i live in a world with just me in it
i feel as if im in the center of a room
full of ppl
but they seem a blur
and all i see is a room full of haters
doubters
....i see nothing
but i feel everything
i see haters but i feel the obligation to be kind
i fear my emotions
i fear...fear
i fear people
and i fear myself.....
i crave i day....
one ******* day
where i can wake up from the best sleep ever
..where i can accept my flaws
except life and its imperfectness
except me falling in front of everyone
except insecurity
except the world hating me...
and i want it to happen right now
my fingers shake of eagerness to have it
to have the rush of content
.....i want it
....how can i get it
...ive spent a year searching for it
..can i search it
is it here
is it right in front of me
...i want to say yes
but i dont ******* know
i dont...
and im so impatient
and my faith......
how can i have that
if im sad...
in a world full of happy people
....people telling you your worthless
a world full of surprises
a world...
a life....
its like i dont want to accept reality
i really cant
and my heart or my mind wants it so ******* badly
....i know i have to
but i know i cant force myself
ive learned that life....
the world
isnt a wish granting machine
you just are....
you feel what you feel
you are what you are
and it is what it is
....i guess thats life.....
huh

When i see a cute boy
...my heart melts...
like i gotta glimpse of heaven
but when ***** opens his mouth
...oh no
oh hell to the nawwwww
.....just everyone else
looking for big ***** judy
same old same old
...whats new
next...

So like i wowke up
and i was like i'm gonna read me some poetry
and i did it like..psshh **** it i did it
and i ripped 3 of my faves out
and decided i was gonna be positive right here right now
and decide to be ready for whatever comes my way and to change
because whatever i can't handle now...was designed that way
...so that i could grow and learn from it
so im sorta prepared to change
jammin to miley currently
and i'm just gonna chill
and be completely in the moment
doing my thang
because first of all it's my life
and we don't live in eternity
we live in a world full of people trying to make it
feel important and interpret life
so i don't blame them for being complete *******
but this time around im focusing solely on me
...time is winding down..and life's too short to count up who the **** hates me
and wonder how am i gonna show so and so how much i don't give a **** today
...like my life should be filled up with joy, adventure, and i'm gonna push my self to do that
me personally chooses not to give a **** about ****
that's me
that makes me happy
and ******* can talk, can laugh, and what not
but it's my life
straight up like i'm sorry if i offended you or if your angry of something that's going on in my bubble
but whatever our world right
but i'm focused on what i'm doing and on what the **** I want do
and I know you people viewing are like what the hell
your right

She's happy she's confident
be happy for her
be happy for them
we can all shine together and be happy together
why do you must be above someone else
we can all make it
we will all make it together
the society standard pretty girls,the lesser "pretty" girls, the "have's the have nots
...**** it
forget the labels us the humans of the world
we are all equal we are one...
lets be bold and beautiful together
take my hand...
dare...

My body feels tired
But my heart is not yet satisfied
The body repeats soothing words lasting....for seconds
Than gone....
Like that
It's like I don't know what real is
I don't know what I want
Who the **** am I...I ask
Well I'm who I allowed myself to be
....I'm who decided to shy away from times of redemption
I decided to run to my mamas room when I was afraid
....I did it to me
So is it really deception of the mind
Or am I just afraid to accept my reality
...because I am real
As I pinch myself and cringe
...not the physical pain
But the pain of enduring Mother Earth
My child it says...
This poem isn't for the audience...
It's for you
And I say...
I've had the same morning for years
Deja ******* vu Mother Earth....
What a mother you are
How can you withstand the cries of your children...
No reply
...just the birds
The trees
...and your soul

This breath is to my past
...I'm inhaling but not exhaling
Or should I exhale to release the hurt?
Or do I just **** it all together and forget about it...
Like I see so much hate and fire..
It's so unpleasant to look at my own reflection and to only see Beaty because someone else does
...and vise versa
I envision a life where freedom can take my hand
Where I'm not afraid
A freebeing just in the moment
Expressing her individuality
And accepting others
And I see perfect in my vision
Something that will never be reached...

Idk...
it sorta just flows
my stanzas
flow
the lines...
the abbrieviations
just kinda flow
my spelling...obviosly not
but i flow
when i write i dont even know how but i just kinda flow
so whats the problem with my life
my mind
why doesnt that **** flow...
i dont get it?.....

What the hell did you do to my song

My name is....
I'm 15 years old going on 16
I don't exactly live for anything
...I mean I live for people
But I'm not proud of it...
It's like I feel a burst of excitement when I'm excepted...
And it's terrible
...insecurity is ******* terrible
....it's like being stabbed with 50 knives
It's like wanting everything and getting nothing
...terrible analysis but whatevs
...but I crave myself
I crave my love
..and I'm not getting it
What's wrong with me where is the love
My nails are black
My weaves in tight
I'm skinny as ****
I've starved myself
I've read confident articles
My idol is miley ******* cyrus
I've had faith
...now what
Where the hell am I
Who the hell am I ...
I have no idea
And why the hell do I fear myself
Ppl
And this whole entire world
I hide.....
In my little comfort bubble
With my mouth to bite my nails
Pretending to be occupied
Away from awkwardness
**** this
**** me...
What and who am I
Cuz I'm not living for me
...I'm living and dying a terrible terrible deed....

As i scrolled through these job questions...
...taken to an actual place in my mind where...i see
where a picture baffles me and is engraved into thee
....when i think of overcoming struggles
i think no more Michael, everything will be perfect, i will never be jealous again...
...i think of an actual scenerio...as if i'm the starring act of a play
....as if i have already gathered up my script for the day
today...reading to children...hmmm i thought
...a fear faced...but with a thought..and a script
yea of done this before...thing is I havent
....no matter how much you practice the math or study the text...
...what happens in the next few seconds isn't guarenteed...
...sometimes it is luck that we find our expectations to have been met
...but truly i think fate
...this summer...my goal is to move forward...to learn the art, to expand my mind, do new things
...
something holds me still...
...
girl you don't know what happens next please comprehend this
...the most useful bit of advise
expectation or may i say the vision....
how can you love or be passionate about something...if its planned
...
my thing is fear of being without the words...being hurt...misguided
I am vulnerable without the words...
the words bring comfort
...trying to make a platform out of thin air

My life in one flash
In one word
...non existent
All I do is think about others
That's my daily thought
How will others perceive me when I do this?
It's always the main idea no matter in what language, sign, or gesture
If I say I'm going to be confident today
It usually translates to...
I'm gonna act like miley cyrus today...
I'm not gonna give a **** or I'm gonna act like I don't to gain respect from people
...see it's always about people
...why am I shaped out like this
It's like I have no way out
It's like I'm trapped in a box
With a years worth of instructions to get out
But just can't seem to figure it out...
I guess my answer was there all along
God of coarse
But it's like my faith is shaking
I don't want to down talk my God
But it's like more of a feeling of obligation than faith
It's like you feel like you have to because everyone else is telling you too
And I just need to forget everyone else
And stay in faith...
It really is like I'm trapped in a box
Like I know exactly what it takes to be confident, reasons, explanations all of that crap I know it
Like my idol is miley cyrus
Like I know that only God can judge us, and that **** the haters because they don't matter
But I have no idea to get out of my low

Like I spent all of 2014 worrying about haters...
Googling all this crap on how to forget them
And all o that
But it's like why am I still here
I am missing something
It's like I know
But I know it's something that cannot be said
It isn't another thing that I can tell myself
It's something beneath my soul
A belief
It's faith...
Something beyond my control
Something so abstract
But I gotta believe in something....

ya know little **** gurl
provin to ur bull that your better
and your doing better
a thot.......
just a thot....

My flow
...is jet lag as ****
...it's unsure
...it's a well...tug of war
Between my heart and my mind
......my heart is saying
...Miley
Feel me
Feel the wind
Every breath
Cherish me
Fear not
.....than my mind
Is just going wild
No peace whatsoever
Just kinda scattered thoughts
Jumbled up with the past
...the present
Trying to predict the future
Having this perfect outlook on what my life should be like
.....but who new my own mind could deceive me
I sit here on the verge of unreal and real
I pour my heart out
But it's just another way to binge the **** out of my brain
To feel complete
Like poetry I absolutely love
It's so peaceful
So angelic
Then again it's almost an answer
You log out pour your soul out to this site
....and you feel relaxed and better
.....it's like idk
Weird
It's only me I bet
But....poetry is not my life
Sometimes I don't feel alive
Right now I don't feel real
I feel like I'm constantly on the search for an answer
Not even realizing it
Me here sitting innocently
...as the lions roar
As a jungle emerges inside my head
Louder than my heart
.....my soul waits strongly
For a girl to have faith
.....and I guess it really is my choice
....between....
Myself vs me
....wait

struggling to let go
but i feel myself going up
i feel my hands sliding of the monkey bar
it took a lot of sweat....but its slidin
it is slidin my friend.....

Ya know maybe poetry keeps me grounded or maybe not
...maybe I love rock n roll or maybe I don't....
Did I ever really like James?.....
Am I ashamed of who I am....
Am I doing life right?....
Is my past really haunting me or am I haunting it...
Does James ever think about lil ole me?....
Maybe he does or doesn't...
And am I wasting my life or are all these experiences worth it....
Questions.....
Nothing I haven't thought about before...
I mean am I wrong...
Am I wrong in my style...
In my swagger of writing?...
What are the truths of life and if I know them why is it so friggin hard to just do this ****...
Then life responds the sun, the stars, and the moon are gorgeous....
But are they truly perfect...
Are you choosing to see them as beauty...I mean everyone has an opinion right...
I mean the moon practically has a face full of acne and critters...but it's pretty popular around here...and we see it as beautiful
....so what's changed about life...about people
Perception is key..and you can choose
But I say embrace...because your eyes are you windows to this universe and to happiness

So I'm starting school tomorrow
A whole new school...
I don't know what to expect
I'm scared as ****
But my guard is up which is the only thing keeping me sane...
But high school eh...
High school..
Who knows...
But what I know
Is me
My heart
My soul...
That's it my answer

It's like. Y little world right now
Is like....orbital ******* notation
It revolves around ****
And it realizes what it's doing
It has little *******
And it gets so lost in the good feeling
It loses it's valence electrons
And I guess I'm waiting for that **** to be gained back
....cuz like in chem we learned that yes electrons
A piece of you will be lost or get lost in infinity in air
In life this inevitable circumstance were in
We'll lose ourselves, and well feel like we don't belong
Like we don't coexist
But I guess the valence electron that I gained back
Is abstract
Valence electrons are abstract
Their there....scientifically proven
Also if you chose to believe
Choose to believe that you have a purpose beyond life
Your personal purpose
And be angry
Be sad
Be miserable in your little infinite inevitable moments....
But remember that it's all apart of life
My life right now
Is anxiety
But also laughter
It's fear
But also love
It's insecurity
But also content
You see I think I pave learned a little in my journey
That life isn't this one thing
It's not a mission to be chased
There's no perfect model of life
There's the bible, there's your God, and there's your life
And that's it
The choice is up to you
In which who your gonna be
It's like i know not easy and it's especially far from not easy for me
As we speak
I feel an obligation to write this crap
Poetry is an escape, it's beautiful, but also I feel like it's the enemy for me
It's like I have to confront my reality sorta thing
...but I made up my mind
And I know that don't mean ****
But I want to focus on more....other **** than my problems
Than what's going wrong
Than how bad I feel or have felt
I want to focus on me
And I want....
I want it all

Parallel universe...
It's like a real solid glass that I like to peer through...fantasizing of a day where it comes to life
...a day where I live in a parallel universe...perfect in every way
Where boys chase me...where I'm happy 24/7
Where I feel **** and loved
....where I'm confident
....but parallel universe eh
U don't exist
...u do not exist
Your a waste of my mind
...so many values you contain robbing me of my identity
...you instill this idea of perfection...an idea of "happiness"
...but I read somewhere yesterday that happiness...true happiness is hard
You go through **** and you find yourself ya know...
But when it's easy and you feel comfortable...
Such as being confident only because everyone else sees good in your heart...no **** that your face cuz society is *******...
But my God is existent...and so is my life and so am I
All of those are real...
God is all I need

My past is so ****
....then again deadly
...it's alive yet dead
...how can that be
When I look back
...l
I see beautiful blue eyes staring back up at me
...in the most romantic way ever
In awe of me....my body...my existence
....but I also see pain...hurt
Mainly insecurity
...of a girl dying for validation to her existence
Dying to fit in, dying to be cool, dying to be what everyone else wants....
But I look back and see how real it all felt
...how can someone be hurt and happy
I was limping that whole entire year believing I was happy...
And now I crave this validation
...I crave the feeling of being wanted
...of feeling ****
Of feeling the warm embrace of love
But does all of that truly exist
....no it doesn't
.bur how do I let go of something so warm
That seems like the only thing keeping me alive...
Letting go of my comfort...
Is the journey up a rise
Slowly begins in my stride...
Then rides through this journey of life
...

As the intense waves poundering away in my ears
my whole head is filled with an excitement
a burst of i dont even know
so intense
just blasts all of my current worries away
so ******* soothing
people ask why
i say idk
but it's somethin about the music

Totally girlfriend...
My life is nothing but a spin...
A freskin whirl wind...
With a wind try na break down my fricken bricks g....
I mean and it truly has...
My wall is not perfect...
It's got holes and tough edges...and for a while I have and ma in denial of my marks
,my scars....
But without those mistakes...where is there room to truly grow...
You see each and every wound is a piece of me being destroyed...
But it is a wound right...it heals
...and Imperfctness is perfect
Because my Lord still loves me and doesn't expect that of me or any of us
...therefore I will accept my holes n flaws

Why am I so angry I ask ?
When did I become so furious with the world?
** made me this way...The world or I
I ask I ask I ask....
I've been asking for several years...
Still no answer
I've asked and I've tried
Tons of **** to call attention to myself
I dressed up for people
I tried to be ****** popular
I tried the don't care I'm Kylie Jenner thing
All of those felt right temporarily...then gone
Then on the search again...
My last resort is faith
Believing that God will come through
Look at Demi lavato
..all the miracles that he gave to people
And all the blessings I have
He will come through for me...
But on time's time...
It's a journey
I gotta learn ****
To move forward
And I know where I am right now isn't right
I can't live for other people like it's ok
I can't live I'm fear...
Right now I'm a scared little girl
Scared as ****
Hiding behind a facade
But starting tonight I'm throwing that **** facade in the garbage
There is nothing in this world that will make me happy
No clothing
No celebrity
No feeling
Nobody
On the outside
But the only thing is
Contentness...
Life for me
Is not a lot of things....
But it's about what's on the inside
Like today I scrolled on Instagram
I saw miley cyrus of coarse and one of her back up dancers
And her back up dancer is short a ****** and I thought to myself how did she find the light....
How is she smiling
And wearing things that the world doesn't approve of
And doing what she wants
Truly..
Not out of rebellion or selfishness
How the ****...
Does one do that I ask....
How?

My life
i feel like a seventy year old in a 15 year old's body
i feel so old
and i know all these life quotes n crap...
thats all i think about
...anymore
i used to laugh genuinly
when i was innocent
and i used to just lay on my Mothers chest and hug her and love her so passionately
although i wasnt perfect
i still smiled
i thought about ****...and fun ****
like i was lit
that was the life
wake up
brush your teeth with this singing tooth brush
go eat spiderman pancakes
then play with your dolly
and do that all day
wow life huh
....but what was this poem even about
...like
got so lost in the good old days

I am a child of the most highest!
I am beautiful!
I am strength!
I will and I can!
I am infinite!
I am love!
I am!
I am faith!

Who am I....
What is my definition...
Is my life a whole entire lie?
Are my decisions based off of insecure me?
Do I have a soul
Am I even real...
Am I alive like ****...
I don't know...
And that's okay...
I crave love...
And I don't know how that can be when I don't even know my own self...
James...once you were sweet now....your simply James
...your not an ex...your a thought
...he's no longer a feeling he's more of the Grimm reaper...
He is the dead past of me...but somehow I'm connected to that past and my whole life thrives upon it
...and I don't want to let go and I don't know if I'll ever tbh
...I don't love him...we didn't love each other...I just loved the way he made me feel
...he was the energy motivating me throughout my day
He was my security because I has none...
I hated myself...I just wanted to be someone else
...I remember watching all these I hate being black vids, bleaching skin, growing long hair...
I mean looking back now I wonder how I even dealt....how I faked my smiles
...and I don't know
And that's fine
All I know of is...right now
I'm confused with life
And I still don't ******* know...

Do I crave stoners...?
the pink hair...black..
weird *** rockstars
?...
it all feels weird
almost facaded...
i feel like anti barbie
fake and miserable yet somewhat alive
...i feel
.......
it feels like....
......
nothing
...but again something
like you were hit
but with nothing
or with something but didnt get hurt
...its like all in my head
its a made up feeling
....but from where i ask
from where i.......
ask
is it insecurity
....is it....
idk....
insecurity it is
is that you...
hiding in that corner
casting a shadow over me
...come out i declare you out from the shadows
....and tell me
....what i did to deserve this crap
....what did an innocent girl like me ******* do....
huh
yu miserable little *****...
its like i crave happiness?
but i dont know how to give that to myself truly...
and is it even something you can give to yourself?
because its a state of being...
its a state that comes and goes...
a feeling
not a thought...
yes i have control over my mind
...but my heart man....
a battle
only for God

What is it about a skinny perfect body that makes you happy?
What is it about long straight silky hair that makes you get butterflies in your stomach?
What is it about perfect flawless features that make you confident?
What is it about ******* perfection?
I'm not gonna sit up in here and tell you **** you already know....
But I will say
I've spent years on a pursuit for happiness....
I have yet to find it..
I shaved, I got weaves, I did my eyebrows, I was a clean freak, I was a people pleaser, I was miss perfect, miss Paris Hilton, miss pink everything, miss black everything, I've tried about everything....
And I feel like I've hit rock bottom
Yes.
I'm young and you look at me and say there's bills and bigger problems out there?
But these are my problems and my struggle
Today I declare my search over
Happiness comes in no quantity
It is not perfect
It's something that cannot physically be found
But must mentally be seen
It is abstract
You must believe it to see it
You can't tell yourself to be happy
Or all these ****** up reasons why you should be happy
And say YEAH I'm happy...
**** that no your ******* not
You can't do that
It's the impossible
You must believe
Because if you won't...
A life of misery, insecurity awaits you

My body shakes like im a ******* crack addict
my heart quivers as a ***** would....
im just so ******* jittery i think
i can't ******* stand still
i always gotta be on the run
like i honestly have a problem
i just sit thinking...
thinking of me thinking...
thinking of what to do next
i never actually savor
im just on the run...
should i embrace it
maybe its a sign that i should get out
and what i'm doing now isn't enough
that i crave the volts of life
the adventure
the danger
maybe i want to take it by the lapel...whatever that means and kinda ride it wherever it takes me
and be like yeah...life ya know
crazy hell of a *****

Pecking away at the tree...
My tree of life...
As I peck n peck away to get the food...
My energy
My personal energy...
In why I'm powerful...unstoppable
It's like on some real superhero ****
But not having that food...man
I go so hungry and have no option but to feed off of the tree of others
The tree of dangerous thoughts
Of the past
Of friends...
Of fam
...not having energy of your own
Is like living a life based on the man next door