Went to the late night discount store
To purchase items won't yet say what for
I CAN say it's what every man needs
But this one will be just for me

I picked up cardboard, markers, a staple gun
Duct tape in pink cause the color's fun
Bags of streamers along party balloons
Keeping my excitement down was all that I could do

I snuck some stuff from my Mom
Something lacy in a blue chiffon
It's really got it going on
Feels so right it must be wrong

I lock myself in my room
I don't come out till way past noon
Everything is going according to plan
I've made a woman for me who understands

Our first date out on the town
Her shear beauty has crowds staring us down
I think that I'm falling in love
She doesn't talk or eat that much

I take her home a peck on the cheek
Pack her in the closet till our date next week
Why didn't I think of this before
My High School would not have been such a bore

When it comes down to it all
I'd rather be a dog
Laying in the shade all day
With nothing going on

When I want fun I'll bark and run
Chase a ball to kingdom come
Lick anyone that comes along
Mess on the floor and then play dumb

Thought about this more than some
I'd rather be a dog
My favorite pastime all day long
Gnawing on a bone

If I get bored I'll scratch myself
Being fed by someone else
With table scraps I'll gladly help
With no sane reason I'll madly yelp

If I should ever get the call
I'd rather be a dog
Short or skinny, fat or tall
I'd rather be a dog

I'd  bark if I need to go out
Sniff here and there then there about
Dig up every last inch of ground
Go heebie jeebies at the slightest sound

I've thought about this long and tall
I'd rather be a dog
Never would I be a cat
As if that's a choice at all

Have you ever stopped to wonder
Where pocket lint comes from
Is it mass produced, does it just run loose
Or is it grown on a pocket lint farm

And are there tiny little farmers
With tiny little hoes
Who's time is spent planting pocket seed lint
In tiny little rows

Is that why so many pockets
Are lined in cloth of white
For the best in growing conditions
Letting in the perfect amount of light

But then you have to wonder
What the farmers do for rain
And if your always wet in the front of your pants
What would people have to say

And why go through all the trouble
Since apparently it has no use
Unless we hire tiny little tailors
In the making of pocket lint Leisure Suits

And if we do I'd like mine in baby blue
To wear at all the Bar Mitzvahs, Proms, and Wakes
I'm sure that once it catches on
It'll be the latest craze

There really must be some sort of purpose
In pocket lints grand design
Don't you ever wonder where it comes from
I myself think about it all the time

As our States go into a state of confusion
In the passing of their passing of laws
Saying now that all their fine citizens
Can freely lay out and get ******

As a matter of fact haven't they been doing that
For years if my minds working correctly
I guess the difference now when they lounge around
They can freely puff on it legally

So let's all take the bongs out of hiding
And add some fresh liquid to it
Invite over the neighbors you've never talked to
To share in a neighborly spliff

It'll certainly make everyone happy
When we come together and roll up a fatty
Don't worry if to this party your a newbie
Here take a hit off this doobie

We'll order out pizza
And crank up Netflix
Watch My Little Pony
And laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and...

Wait...now where was I? Oh Yea!

So let's take all the bongs out of hiding

Hold on...have I already said that?
Dude, this is freaking me out!  Lol!

Oh okay, here we go...

You can now grow your own
On your very own farm
But instead of deep in the woods
It can now be your front yard

Of course all the neighbor kids
You'll have to watch
As they pass by your place
And pick from your crops

So then you'll have to invest
In a scary guard dog
To keep them at bay
And out of your plot

But of course you'll be ******
And forget that he's there
Where he'll end up hungry
And start eating his share

There goes your profit
There goes your crop
Plus all the time you'll spend behind the dog
With a baggy waiting for doggie do do drops

But then again the government
May not let you grow your own stuff
As you wait for the F.D.A.
To authorize all your drugs

And we all know when you get
The government involved
Bureaucratic common sense
Too often gets lost

Maybe this legalization thingy
Is not the best of ideas
Things seemed to run smoother
When we all kept our *** hid

clap for mashed potatoes
gravy on the side

ketchup smothered
is how i like my fries

love a baked potato
stuffed with everything

even like them broiled
butter and sour cream

hash browns grilled with onions
get my taste buds jumping

sometimes like them fancied
dressed up in au gratin

slurping of the soup
sprinkled down with parsley

even eat them raw sometimes
though the taste is gnarly

smoked me a tater once
living on the farm

followed around the little animals
till the cows came home

I've been given a challenge
A duel of sorts you'll see
Not over the love of a women
But over the love of poetry

Both starting off standing back to back
Walking twenty paces like gentlemen
I slowly turn, only to learn
The true power of Carl's pen

As I lay on the ground, poetic heart bleeding
It all flashes before my eyes
That is when it is I see
I've lead a typically boring life

From childhood to adulthood
Flashing by at supersonic speed
No need to slow down the reel
Not much to see that interesting

But then it all starts to sputter
Slowing to a normal pace
Stopping at the best day of my life
Which just happens to be yesterday

I woke up just like every other morning
Hosed off out front like I always do
Of course all my neighbors were out there watching
They can't seem to get enough of me in the ****

I got the paper from off of the driveway
(Still in the **** mind you)
I was already out in the sun with my moon a shinning
What else was I supposed to do

On the front page I saw the winning numbers
My treasure staring back at me
Whooping and hollering through the neighborhood
I'd just won the lottery! Maybe I should throw on some jeans...

I went straight to Tallahassee
To pick up my multi million dollar check
Spend it like there's no tomorrow
Till there is none of it left

I bought boats and planes and automobiles
Had a babe on all four arms (I even bought extra arms)
Then flash forward to today
Where it is I bought the farm

So alas my life's movie stops
To where it is I am now
Having taken up this challenge
Laying on the cold damp ground

Yes, I finally had the chance
To put my typically boring life behind
Snuffed out by the Master's pen
Left with no rhyme and dying
Thanks Carl...

The devil's having a devil of a time
With the corrupting of lives
When some folk ain't willing
To deal with his dealings
The devil's having a devil of a time

The devil keeps beating his wife
When things for him ain't going right
When the mortals don't do
What he wants them to
The devil keeps beating his wife

The devil is madder than hell
Cause his plans ain't going so well
He laughed at the cross
Turns out that he lost
The devil is madder than hell

The devil is crying in his beer
Cause he knows that his time is near
And that it won't be long
Before what he has is gone
The devil is crying in his beer

The devil's  having a devil of a time
In keeping it all in line
The clocks quickly tickling
He'll soon take his licking
The devil's having a devil of a time

I met a girl
Beautiful both in and out
Only problem is
She has a ***** mouth

***** mouth, ***** mouth
You never know what will spew out...

***** mouth, ***** mouth
Afraid to take her out in a crowd...

I can tell you
I'm not a *****
I just need a girl
A little less crude

***** mouth, ***** mouth
Have you stopped to hear yourself
when that trash comes out...

***** mouth, ***** mouth
*Do you seriously kiss your mother with that mouth...

Have you ever read someones poetry
That where you stand your brought to tears
You can feel the heart of suffering
They've endured throughout the years

Where they view themselves in writings
As a soul that's lost and weak
Not knowing to write the way they do
Is a sign of inner strength

Or how many of us they have helped
Seeing our own weakness through their eyes
And the struggles that we all go through
That fill these poets lives

I'm here in rhyme to let them know
Just what their writings do
And how many in our troubled times
They have helped us through

I'd love to be the harbor boat
That gently tugs, keeping you afloat
Or perhaps even better yet
The soft comfort of your unmade bed

I'd love to be the garden trowel
The one you use when you plant spring flowers
Or perhaps even better still
The lucky coin in your wishing well

I'd love to be the big red barn
With stacks of hay inside to keep you warm
Or perhaps even more than that
The loving purr from you favorite cat

I'd love to be your private Learjet
To take you places that you've never been
Or perhaps given half a chance
The diamond ring slipped on your left hand

I'd love to be your automobile
The comfort you feel from behind the wheel
Or perhaps to tell the truth
I'd love to be all this and more for you

I met a man in a playful tune
Who had a thought I thought I knew
He said to me goo goo g'joob
Does anything sound more real to you

We were out standing in a field
With fresh strawberries dancing at our heels
In a moment a bit to surreal
Continue on Bungalow Bill

We moved past a four man line
As we slipped into dream #9
Being there for the benefit of Mr. Kite
When Lucy and her diamonds fell from the sky

A day in the life left tragically
Our mystery tour on a yellow submarine
The revolution of love has now left the building
In a puddle of memories out on the street

She held your hand to comfort you
The color of love now the color of blue
Till the bitter end you sang passion true
Goodbye to you Goo goo g'joob...

I want to make a groovy movie
Like Sgt. Pepper did
When he was in his younger days
With his Lonely Hearts Club Band

I'll hire a psychedelic painted bus
To film my groovy movie in
Then I'll fill this wonder up
With all my family and my friends

Of course you know I will invite
The Walrus to ride along
And if I play my cards just right
He'll sing for us a song

We'll wear Shiny Silky Suits
And brightly colored Feathered Caps
Patent Leather High Top Boots
All while wearing Animal Masks

We'll  play this out to the crowds
As our Paisley bus it passes by
Waving while saying Paul's not dead
As Lucy juggles diamonds in the sky

A day in the life you'll see I'll make that groovy movie
Just like Sgt. Pepper did
When he was in his prime
With his Lonely Hearts Club Band

I'm afraid of the above
More often than not enough

I'm afraid of the air that I breathe
I'm afraid that they're watching me

I'm afraid of going outside
Whether it's day or whether it's night

I'm afraid of the lurking shadow
Especially if it's my own

I'm afraid of the very fact
Of the courage that I lack

I'm afraid of getting sick
Cause I'm afraid of the medicine

I'm afraid of the outcome
Before I've even begun

I'm afraid I may be too late
Which makes me more afraid

I'm afraid that if I had one
I might lose it and then I'd have none

I'm afraid that you may find
What it is that I'm really like

And I'm afraid that once you do
That you'll be afraid too

I start chugging Red Bull
From the moment I get up
Popping B12 vitamins
Like they were candy drops

Chase it down with Mountain Dew
Love the way it sparkles green
Also doesn't hurt to have
A little caffeine in between

After my mid-morning snack
Of chocolate covered coffee beans
And after the unfortunate incident
With that screaming elevator scene

I head off to Starbucks
Where it is that I do lunch
You know it doesn't hurt to have
A little afternoon pick me up

I head back to the office
Where we have our last meeting
But not before I get into
One more screaming elevator scene

When I finally do get home
And the cat jumps in my lap
We snooze in my recliner
Cause we both love to relax

I know this girl from Texas
Who rustles up smiles for free
Feels like home on the range
With lasso in hand
Pretty as you please

Warm and comfortable as a campfire
Wild as a coyotes howl
God was right in his choice
Giving her an angels voice
Mixed in with a Southern draw

There's a mischievousness to her roundup
Like that of a rouge rodeo
Playing life's full hand
From sunrise to sunset
This girl from Texas that I know

When life's not going right
Guess you could say it's going wrong
Do what it is I always do
Pick up the telephone
Dial my favorite number
They've never steered me wrong
Of course that number is
1-800-Not My Fault

In any situation
At any given time
#1 on my speed dial
Connects me directly to their line
I seem to call it often
Not giving it much thought
My fingers know just where to go
1-800-Not My Fault

Missed your anniversary?
Or the twins Bar Mitzvah?
To avoid all the yelling and crying
Do it out of love
Remember this time around
You won't be doing it for naught
So pick up the telephone
1-800-Not My Fault

Cooking in the kitchen
You set the house on fire
The one time you do laundry
You throw your wife's tight jeans in the dryer
Fired from your job a month ago
For a month you've been hiding that with lies
Just so it is you don't get caught...dial
1-800-Not My Fault

So my friend remember this number
If your ever in a jam
Just excuse yourself a moment
Dial as fast as your fingers can
Age it does not matter
Neither being a woman, child, or man
No need to be distraught
Come on now...you know the number
1-800-Not My Fault

***** the **** went to seed
As he spawned off little weeds
To have them blow on gentle breeze
Landing where they may

Some landed in the rolling hills
Others in deserted fields
Burrowing deep for greater yield
To pop up one fine day

Some made their way to city streets
Others to paths a bit off beat
Ready and willing to take the heat
As Summer brings it on

Always able to survive
While other plants around them die
They stand tall, in fact they thrive
Going it alone

One day to seed off on their own
When they are old weather and worn
Taking to the breeze like when they were spawned
Floating off in glee

No telling where they will land
Somewhere close to be the scourge of man
To be pulled from the roots by callused hands
Like their daddy ***** the ****

I want to read a book
That's never been read
Hear a gentle word
That's never been said
I want to sit back
And close my eyes
When I open them up
Everything is alright

I want to ring a bell
That's never been rung
Sing along to a song
That's never been sung
Pull back the curtain
With all of my might
So I can expose
Everything is alright

I want to see
What has never been seen
Take a long walk
In the hands of a dream
Reach as far as I can
The highest of heights
And pull down to earth
Everything is alright

I want a spot
Where I feel I belong
Take all that I've got
Before it is gone
I want to shine
The brightest of lights
So I can find
Everything is alright

Love me like a new day
As in a new beginning
Filter out the heartache
Add a whole new meaning

Love me like you found me
Like there's no tomorrow
Love me with your greatest need
A love that holds no sorrow

Love me till  you come undone
Love me like a child would
When all else fails to me you run
A love never misunderstood

Love me with all that you have
A love you give and not take back
Love me with the reason
That true love need not be said

Love me like the weekend
Like the warmth of sunshine
Love me without failing
From this moment to the end of time

some days
i'd like to run away
from where i'm at
to another place
perhaps a wrinkle in
somebody else's face
or hide out
inside a crooked smile
anywhere
where i'd not be found out

jump into an eye
in the middle of a blink
slide around the back
and watch them while they think
after awhile
i would venture out
making my way north
find a bushy brow
change my accent and identity
to a cajon from the south

jump onto a tear
as it's wiped close to the ear
whisper subliminal messages
get me out of here...

This life I live in front of you is a crossword puzzle life
Blank boxes running up down as well as side to side
Fill a few in there is still so much I hide
Inside of this, my crossword puzzle life

A  lot of what you see is still a mystery
Just enough I revel to you to make you stop and think
Black and white on the outside is what I let you see
All the while a crossword puzzle is what is hidden underneath

With each day that fly's away
Closer to the end
As each day throws this my way
You can begin again

It all must serve a purpose
In this crazy thing called life
I've heard it will be worth it
If I make it to the day I die

If I live to see tomorrow
Will I have done all I wanted to
If I live to see tomorrow
Will I have learned a thing or two

Model, Make, set in place
Rusty though I seem
What I find inside my mind
Is youth still clings to me

With shades of gray on display
It's no surprise to me
That the hand of death in my hand rests
Soon enough to set me free

If I live to see tomorrow
Will I think it's come too soon
If I live to see tomorrow
Will I have done all I intended to

As I walked into the room
I saw two dead roaches side by side
I don't know why it is this made me sad
I've never known a good roach that's alive

Deep within I wondered how they succumbed
Was it ****** suicide?
What did a roach have to live for anyways?
If not to make miserable my life

Then I turned my thoughts to...
Was that a Mom and Dad?
Would all the little roachies back home miss them?
And how does a roach look when they're sad?

But then out of the corner of my eye
I saw a little twitching of the legs
So I took the boot off that I wore
And smashed their little heads!

Every time I do wrong
I find this is where I stand
On the corner of forgiveness
Across the street from I'll be ******

I could stay here in confessing
Ask forgiveness or take a loss
I could move in either direction
By way of Judas or Saint Paul

Saint Paul thought him a righteous man
As Judas felt the same
Taking God's law into their own hands
Playing their religious games

Did they do it for right reasons
Or the fame and fortune that it holds
How do you dress up for your seasons
By way of Judas or Saint Paul

While most our lives all read the same
Chapter along with verse
The turn of the page could go either way
As life runs along its course

You could either seek repentance
Or go down with the fall
Its all in how you run your business
By way of Judas or Saint Paul

I met an Eskimo heading South
Asked him what that was all about
He told me to cool my heels
He'd had enough of frozen meals

Passing through the Northern states
Spent a day in Bangor Maine
Got out of there post haste
Before the cold froze his blubber brain

From there headed down to Tupelo
But Mississippi was still to cold
Spotted a bit of roadside trash
Where he found a Florida map

Made his way down to the warmth
Florida and bought a farm
Now grows pecans whale big in size
Where he puts them into pies

Set up a country roadside stand
Oranges and fresh pecans
RC Cola and Eskimo moon pies
Right along the ocean side

When he's not picking nuts from the trees
In the sunny heated down South breeze
Sporting the best in bronze tans
It's good to be an Eskimo Floridian

I woke up this morning
To the sign of the times
Wondering where it all went
As none of this I recognize

Why do the best of all memories
Have to grow old
As years of tears have cleared the dust
From off my country road

Nothing's now simple
As it used to be
The world in which I once lived
Has moved to the South side of mean

Cold winds have brought a chill
To all I used to know
Blowing the dust off
Of my country road

There's no way to go back
But I still swim in the pond of my dreams
Diving into simpler times
Wading through serene scenes

It didn't happen all the sudden
So it never really showed
Until all the dust came up missing
From my country road

I sometimes catch slight glimpses
If you know what I mean
As I blink back the tears
From the space in-between

Would things have been different
If I would have been shown
What lay beneath
The dust of my country road

This may not sound quite right
But I find I've made up my mind
After all of this time
To say goodbye to goodbye

Goodbye only makes me sad
When losing the friends that I have
When it's their turn to come up to bat
When they have no time left

Goodbye is too cruel a word
Goodbye is best if it's left unheard
Being that there is no cure
When goodbye occurs

And that is exactly why
After all of this time I find
I've made up my mind
To say goodbye to goodbye

M. Before we start I notice this interview is titled Part 3. May I ask what happened to Part 2?

MH. Well there was that little incident with the fire but we really don't like bringing that up...

M. Fire?...

MH. Epp!!

M. But how...

MH. Epp!!

M. Did you..

MH. Epp!!

M. Okay, shall we just get started?

MH. Sure, Why dwell on the past...

M. So Mike you've been on HP since March. How do you like it?

MH. Hallucinogenic Psychedelic's? I've actually been on those for years! Why I remember back in the 60's...

M. I was talking Hello Poetry...

MH. Oh...well isn't that embarrassing...

M. Ah....yea

MH. Do you see that?

M. See what?

MH. Never mind...

M. So what about Hello Poetry?

MH. What about it?

M. What do you think of it so far?

MH. I love it!  I feel I've really grown as a poet here. Some of my pieces lately I've really had to dig deep into my ******!

M. You mean Psyche...

MH. No I'm pretty sure I mean ******...

M. OKAYYYY...So what type of poetry do you enjoy writing the most?

MH. I kind of go with the flow...whatever poops I mean pops in my head!

M. Could that have been a Freudian slip?

MH. You've got me there! You do know me as well as I know myself Mike!

M. That I do!

MH. I guess when it comes down to it I really just have fun...I never take myself serious.

M. Well this has certainly been informative!  I'm sure our one reader will enjoy this...

MH. Do you see that?

M. See what?

MH. Never mind...

Pirate girls have the red-est hair
with an attitude of they don't care
After a night of heavy drinking
it's off to some more ship sinking

Barmaid's they have eyes of blue
that you can get lost into
Pouring one drink after another
any wonder why we love her

Soccer moms are where it's at!
Eyes of green and hair of black
Mini vans and low cut jeans
Sweet lil things of truckers dreams

Derby girls with bright blue locks
Hot pink skates and plaid tube socks
A date with them is quite a time
The way they roll will blow your mind

So many different girls
of so many different colors
Have the boys falling
all over each other
Saddened by
that lonely day
When all bright
colors fade...
to gray...

Shiver me timbers
What's going on
I was dressed as a pirate
When I woke up this morn

I looked in the mirror
And let out an Arrrr....
I came equipped an eye patch
And a swash buckling Scar

I felt the strong urge
For grog, meat, and cheese
Went into the kitchen
Told the winch who lives with me

It's my new pirate attitude
That I have to thank
For the look that I got
And why I'm now walking the plank

When I arrived at the office
It wasn't the ship I'd hoped for
And security at the front desk
Barred me from bringing my saber to work

With all these modern day regulations
How's a pirate to get a break
When the only body of water nearby
Is a drainage ditch and man made lake

And the only pirate *****
That I'd hoped to see
Is right now swabbing the kitchen deck
While talking mutiny

Still the days barnacle adventures
Had a lot going on
As my head hits the pillow
I wonder what I'll wake up as tomorrow morn

This is how you write a poem
When you're holding nothing
Find a line and set to rhyme
Until it sounds like something

Settle on a subject
Although you may not know it
You might want to Google
So that you don't blow it

Hopefully you have spell check
So you're not labeled an idiot
If you lack in the vocab
Go back to the Google bit

Do it all for the fun and
Keep those rhymes a coming
That's pretty much how you write
A poem straight out of nothing

When the moon forces night
               *I'm knocked down to my knees
Memory fading from sight
               Promises I'll never keep
I go and do it again
               Order round after round
Might as well be a gun in my hand
               Deadly shots with no sound
As the snake in the pit
               Takes a bite out of me
I am chewing my lip
               So much wanting to scream
Falling off of the cliff
               Cause my ledge is to weak
Craziness must admit
               Taking the best out of me
Sunlight makes it's first peak
               Over the waters edge
In the gutter I sleep
               I have made my own bed
In which I now lie
               If only I were able
To give up and die
               On this, my torture table
The snake in the pit
               Will not let go of me
I try to shoot from the hip
               To try and bring some relief
I stare at the cliff where I fell
               The climb is to steep
Alcohol has a mighty grip
               *That brings me no peace

I've been saving up dreams
Throughout these busy years
Going to build me a boat
Make my way out of here

Collecting colorful sheets
That I'll mend into sails
To catch the nearest cool breeze  
Blowing the way that I feel

Pockets filled up with nails
To steady the planks
A fist full of charts
To explore the dream life

Where all that's ahead
Are whimsical days
The wind at my back
The past in my wake

The dreams that I've saved
Throughout these busy years
I'm putting into that boat
And sailing far off from here

The other night I snuck into the Grammys
It really wasn't that hard you see
I was dressed as the Daft Punk dude on the left
My own mother wouldn't have recognize me

I was on the elevator at the Ritz-Carlton
When one of those robots stepped in by himself
So I knocked him out then tied him up
And left him bundled up in the stair well

I put on the suit and the helmet
It's not hard to fake a french accent in those
The only problem I encountered that evening
Was the strong desire to scratch my nose

You know I was the life of the party
Mingling with all of the stars
For awhile I sat in the row with Shawn and Yoko
Still don't know which ones from Venus and which ones from Mars

I'm sure in the circles that those two hang with
They are as normal as all of the rest
Of course most of the rockers I met that night
Put normality to the test

I was a little nervous about preforming
But I just put my boogie shoes on
The only one there who would notice my radical rhythm
Was Stevie and he couldn't see what was going on

When we went up to accept our award
I waved and mumbled under my breath
I must of made it sound mighty profound
As the crowd all clapped and nodded their heads

I really had the best of times that night
Partying like it was 1999
Prince wasn't there but who really cares
When your behind Beyonce in the Mambo line

We write of hate
We write of love
And other things
We know something of

At different angles
Add our lines
Take a spin
With what we find

Fact or fiction
Lies or truth
Being poets
It's what we do

We write of needs
We try and fill
Tug at hearts
Strengthen wills

From natures plight
To the call of man
We hold it all
Inside our pen

As the sage speaks
The pen moves
We say it all
It's what poets do

We write of days
Given away
A solace with
Something to say

Glimmer of hope
Much needed laugh
Rhyme for the reason
For feeling sad

A little off beat
Yet still in tune
Filling a need
It's what poets do

Sharing secrets with a madman
Crunch Berries around the breakfast table
Pouring milk in jugs of nonsense
From cows in designer labels

Voices from the refrigerator
Offer cubes of sugar
Singing Carols in the springtime
Like it was Mid-December

The bacon interprets modern dance
Sizzling  in the frying pan
The lights flickering on and off in Morris code
Grocery prices in the Yucatan

As you talk about the weather
With the windows painted black
Talking in sideways motions
You wonder what's up with that

Sharing secrets with a mad man
Are the best secrets kept

There are two of me out running loose
One that tries to do what's right
While the other acts the fool
It's been that way from the beginning
A smorgasbord of who is who
With the two of me out running loose

There are two of me with nothing new
One that says yes I can
With the other never sure what to do
While one is often called the winner
The other is bound to lose
With the two of me there's nothing new

There are two of me feel free to choose
The one that's made to play it straight
Or the other, cannon loose
You can clearly see the difference
There's no need for a clue
With the two of me feel free to choose

There are two of me and one of you...

They continually tell me about my life
My Mother, my family, my friends
It's not like I want their advice
Again and again and again

I have someone special I always turn to
Whenever it is I'm feeling down
A professional that lays out the hard truth
The best in advice to be found

No fancy titles or degrees on the walls
Simply known to many as Bob
Keeps the drinks and advice always flowing
Say's he's just a bartender doing his job

Having trouble with your latest lover?
Keep getting guff from the boss?
Bob's always there to give you a listen
Keep the drinks coming...the only cost

The more drink get I advoice better
From Bip, Bop, ****, why can't I remember his name?!
As the regular old women start looking like exotic dancers
That's when I ask what's his name for some change

With eagerness I start filling the juke box
Asking all the old hags if they'd like to dance
It's too late but tomorrow a slight memory
Will ask what was up with all that

I even drunk texted my girlfriend
Pictures of incriminating positions
And a 4am call to the boss
Telling him where to cram his restaurants ***** dishes

I certainly made a mess of my life
And have no idea where I left the car
In desperate need of advice
I head back down to the bar...

Marty the Mellow Mushroom
Far out in left field
Growing ever strong and tall
With cow manure his favorite meal

Everyday he contemplates
Life under the sun
That is until the fateful day
The hippies all showed up

They took Marty out to party
Now the only part of Marty left
Are the trippy little colors
Inside the happy hippies heads

If it wasn't for the pessimist
What would the optimist do
They'd have no earthly idea
What was needed to pull through

Or the gravity of the situation
And how to handle it best
Without the negative of the pessimist
What would fill the optimists head

Without the doom and gloom of the pessimist
Positive would be a lost cause
My best guess is that the optimist
Needs the pessimist after all

He said, she said
But who do you believe
All depends on which side you're on
To who you claim guilty

The proof is in the pudding
But the flavor is hard to find
In this he said, she said
On the left and right

With this righteous claim of guilty
Before we hear the facts
I ask you quite honestly
What is the sense in that

Where is our sense of decency
I once heard someone say
Out of all the parts that we could keep
That's the one we gave away

If we open up this pandora's box
On what we hope to find
More often than not as an afterthought
Will come back to us and bite

Without a moral compass
Directions are all askew
With he said, she said
We may never know the truth

Sitting alone in this cage all day
What's an Orangutan to do
I need adventure, I need to play
These's to much boredom in this zoo

Well hello there, em orange old thing
The name is Elvis with handbags on my mind
Oh, you look as though your wearing string
I'm all shook up now I think you will find

Well hello there Elvis you slimy snake
Very glad to meet your acquaintance
The name is Edward and I'm about to blow this joint
If there's no further questions

Elvis hissed as he had spotted a group of girls
With handbags about their person and shoes
"Can I slither in the cage with you and your curls"
He considered that he had nothing to lose

How about using that sharp tongue of yours
To unlock this cage
There's so much more to see out there
We really should be on our way

The two E's made their escape never to return
They lived on bread and cheese till it came out their ears
Now the past seems light years away
The two friends so close in their aging years