there's nothing convenient about it
this shop until we drop
with crying child on every isle
we long ago sold out of love

there's a big demand for pride in the can
mixed up with lust and greed
before they give it away grab you some hate
up and down isle one, two, and three

then in the back on the discount rack
is dish upon dish of selfishness
if you haven't yet tried your hand
while it lasts grab it fast

with a bag half empty of why not me
there is shelf upon shelf of envy
although others worked hard for it
you still feel it should be free

slowly make your way through excess of the day
in disarray on the bottom shelf
no need to reach high for this scrumptious delight
but hurry before it's too late

with nothing convenient about it
we'll all shop until we drop
leaving behind crying child on every isle
we long ago sold out of love

Comes out rolling slow
Or in a swirling wind
You can try and guess but you won't
About the hand of death

A mystery to most
But always true to self
We all will eventually raise a toast
To the very last hand dealt

Some might see it coming
This slap in the face
But never ready the moment
Death carts you away

Never known to care
Or show the least respect
Could be a millionaire
Or someone with nothing left

By rugged land or the high sea
Flying through the air
Death does not care where it meets
Shows up anywhere

Standing at the gate
Never running late
Could be on the docket tomorrow
Or in triplicate forms filled out today
Either way...it's your fate

With wagging tongues as rudders
And flapping lips at full sail
One way or another
We find we're flailing in kelp

Battered bodies ready for mutiny
Weather worn, severely beat
Kind of makes you wonder
Who is steering this thing

Pass around the Dramamine
I think we're going to be sick
You'd think by now that we somehow
Would be used to it

Before too late what will be our fate
Is the entire crew walking the plank
Kind of makes you wonder
Who is steering this thing

It's hard enough to control the tongue
Continuously pounded by waves
Feeling sunk long before we're done
With planning our one escape

We most of the time try to do what's right
But fail at it miserably
Kind of makes you wonder
Who is steering this thing

years of sleep inside my eyes
rub the crust, close them tight
not sure i want to see this life
and what's become of us

some may yawn, turn their backs
smile and giggle, cackle, laugh
we did this while they did that
how did we miss the bus

directions that our leaders lead
stepping stones under feet will bleed
pocket greed fills their needs
use us till we're done

the only hand is in hand outs
heavy thumbs for holding down
with closed minds and closed accounts
it's easy to play dumb

too far in now to be saved
they've dug the holes to unmarked graves
with nothing left to give away
thank you for nothing

You can second guess decisions
Stew over your plight
Hear but never listen
To what others have in mind

Let it get the best of you
Not watch where your heart steers
Only see what's behind you
Wasted days and missing years

Do not make the best of it
No matter circumstance
If what first comes to mind is quit
You will never learn to dance

Only sip the negative
Listen but do not hear
Share in life but never live
Wasted days and missing years

Never see the joy in life
Or find time to right the wrongs
No concern where your mind dines
You'll never learn the song

Only look down, never up
Where the way is way more clear
Before you start you call it done
Wasted days and missing years

the river knows the secrets
rivers only know
promising to keep it
between the ebb and flow
darker are the whispers
the deeper that you go
pockets of cold
shivering the soul

the river knows the stories
the river passes by
lapping at humanity
the river hears the cries
toss a thought into the rapids
watch it drift on by
washing up on distant shores
further down the stream of life

I started out as a child
Knowing wrong from right
As I grew old and began to unfold
Somehow somewhere I lost sight

From the path that I was taking
To the road that I was on
No matter there's no mistaking
I lost the way to the way I had known

Easy said is easy done
Until there's nothing left
I found myself more lost than found
Most of all inside of my head

With there being no worse feeling
Than that of being alone
All I had for counsel was a blank celling
When I lost the way to the way I had known

My best guess is that the first step
Is coming clean with the truth
Then doing something about it
Pretty sure is step number two

Back again at the beginning
At this age might look strange to some
But it's hard to make a living
When you've lost the way to the way you had known

The time has come
To right the wrongs
To apologize
For all we've done

For the ones we've hurt
To make amends
As time draws nearer
To the end

The time has come
For humbleness
Responsibility
For this mess

For those we've hurt
Lacking tenderness
And ask no less
For forgiveness

The time has come
Where what must be done
Must be done
By everyone

Harmonize, apologize
Not placing or taking blame
Just saying we are sorry
For all we do and say

Paper or plastic
Is what they ask me
Standing in line
At the grocery
You have a choice
What will it be
Fill up the ocean
Or cut down the trees

Plastic will last
For a million years
We'll all be long gone
While it still hangs out here
We can bury it deep
But one thing is clear
Plastic will last
Beyond anything here

And you may not see
A tree round for miles
As we bulldoze them down
In progress selfish style
Not caring that
After awhile
There will be no trees left
For the grocer to smile

And say...

Paper or plastic
When they see me
Standing in line
At the grocery
Given a choice
In what will it be
Fill up the ocean
Or cut down the trees

I've got all the tools and tricks of the trade
To accomplish things that I've wanted
Sometimes proud of the mess that I've made
Most times without even knowing

Where I might have had a judgment lapse
On the when and where I got here
Often think that I can but then again
I come off as ill prepared

I try and plan it all ahead
Plan the best that I can
Cross the I's dot the T's till there's nothing left
Were nothing left is all that I have

Though I too often fumble
I still grin ear to ear
It's not hard to be that humble
When you come into it ill prepared

I take my tools through the twists and the turns
Tweaking when there is a need
Lessons given should be lessons learned
Although lessons given, never are free

If it looks like I've got it together
There's a smoke screen that needs to be cleared
In this life of happily ever after
I'm no more than ill prepared

It's hard these days to know the skinny
When all I see is fat
What once was less is many
Clean our plates till nothing's left

We sit around in wonder
And wonder at the time
We used to be quite healthy
Before we lost our minds and gave up the fight

Out of shape couch potato's
Heavy butter, mean sour cream
With forks and knives we hold on tight
The spoon fed lies they make us eat

Slide and slip our gym memberships
Inside this no judgment zone
With pizza hips and soda pop lips
We roll our carcasses back home

Is it any wonder we're going asunder
In this age of stuffing face
As we reach for second helpings
Forgetting most times to say grace

Will you be dining in
To the new millennium
To the sound of smacking lips
To this lacklusterness

It's hard to know the skinny
When the world is full of fat
What once was less is many
Clean our plates till nothings left

Given little glimpses
By the wandering of mind
A slight peak thru picket fences
Of a different time in life

Flashes of remembrance
Abstract in the make
Clouded by the distance
The way I remember yesterday

Delighted every time in
Child like memories
Finding them enlightening
Every time they are set free

A simple game of fishing
Tossing lines into the wake
Pull out what I've been missing
The way I remember yesterday

Further than I figure
Farther than it seems
Differences remembered
In the shadow of my dreams

A ball that keeps on rolling
Frame by frame this give and take
For whom the bell keeps tolling
The way I remember yesterday

I'm tired of walking your tight rope
Holding roaring lions back
Pretending there's no elephant in the room
Then trying my best to make you laugh

You can throw at me one, two, or three rings
It's time this tent came down
You can play for keeps but I'm running free
This Circus is leaving town

I'm through running thru your firey hoops
When you've yet to set a net
This acrobat can't keep up with you
Much more of this is certain death

You can shoot me from your cannon
This clown's no longer clowning around
There's no telling these days where I'm landing
But this Circus is leaving town

You once were as sweet as cotton candy
I'm now washing my hands of you
This has become a sticky situation
There's not a whole lot more that we can do

Except close the ***** on this Big Top
Pull the stakes from out the ground
Clear the land from where we stand
This Circus is leaving town

I have a serious crush on Dorthy
While she has a Kansas crush on them
The Lion and the Scarecrow
Not to mention the Tin Man

The only time you see her
These days is when
She's skipping about town with those three clowns
Her not so ordinary new friends

She says that they all met
Somewhere over the rainbow
While she met me over coffee
Wouldn't you know that's the way it goes

It's hard for me to compete
With anything like that
Though one is brainless, one is heartless
The other a scaredy cat

She says they show her adventure
Where the only thing that I
Can really show her is Kansas
And its vast empty sky line

The few times that Dorthy
And I have ever had a chance to go out
The magical land of Oz
Is all she wants to talk about

To me it seems like a dream
And we all know how those are
Not really very interesting
If you don't play a part

So I stand off at a distance
Gaze on from a far
While she along with those three
Skip off with my heart

Cause I have a serious crush on Dorthy
While she has a big Kansas crush on them
The Lion and the Scarecrow
Not to mention the Tin Man

Oh, and by the way Dorthy
Those ruby reds that you have on
Don't really go with
Your Kansas city overalls

I found out too late how short life is
Come to think, it's gone in a blink
Be it a hit or be it a miss
Pack up your bags and get ready to leave

Just when you thought that you owned it
Life turns on you waving bye, bye
No time for grass to grow underfoot
As you watch both pigs and time fly

Don't it seem like you just got here
Without a second to rest
Your mind may be fuzzy but it's very clear
Just a stones throw away from certain death

It's not like you gave life permission
To move at such an alarming rate
You'd complain but no one is listening
When they themselves are a few days away

So stuck it up buttercup
In life there are no guarantees
Just when feel you've beaten the rush
Come to think, it's gone in a blink

when i was a young girl
i dreamed of a future
that held many wonders
for a youngster like me

i lived in the moment
but not for a moment
did i think that lonely
would be my destiny

i found middle age
to be less than expected
the day that i met it
youth ran out on me

now that i'm an old woman
much older than wanted
seems strange now don't it
that this is me

when i was a young girl
i dreamed of a future
that held many wonders
that now has me

....wondering

Can you pretend you never knew me
Act like we never met
See me on the street, look right through me
My broken heart thinks that's best

Pretend there were never any good times
Before all this fell apart
When I was yours and you were mine
Although I hope you find it hard

Do your best to count your blessings
Since Cupids arrows have been removed
Mark it all down as a lesson
That I still struggle to make it through

Try and pretend we never mattered
Turn off all your memories
Forget the times we filled with laughter
And that I was once your greatest need

And if you find all this pretending
Has left you empty in both heart and head
You will find me more than willing
To take our love and pretend again

I wouldn't call it fancy
Like I would a Sunday suit
In fact the older that I get
The more that it hangs loose

The colors okay although it fades
With every passing day
A spot a blotch some borrowed, bought
It's hard to say how it was made

It happens to the best of us
The luckiest of people
That hang around long enough
To wear this suit of wrinkles

Right to left, front to back
All sides sag the same
It's certainly no secret kept
Gravity ain't playing

And with that said wear it to bed
In the morning shake it off
A stich or two may come unglued
Take it with you and move on

If you hang round long enough
Considered one of the lucky people
Happens to the best of us
Inside this suit of wrinkles

Long ago in time life drew the line
On this our  battlefield
From the lowest lows to the highest heights
Our own sinful will is what we must ****

We take to heart that this is war
Yet more often than not we lose it
Not giving heed to our greatest need
We the walking wounded

God gave every man the battle plan
The Bible for instruction
His Holy word, the flaming sword
To keep us from destruction

And yet we still rely on self
The foolishness of I can do it
Loosing Hell, tooth and nail
We the walking wounded

We're not alone when it comes
To the art of retreating
At the first sign of trouble we hide
More oft than not defeated

Jesus died to justify
And it's about time we knew it
Proclaiming Christ our battle cry
We the walking wounded

It looks like life's not treating you right
And you don't like it a single bit
How about you try this friendly advice
...Get over it

Day after day you don't get your way
Where all you want to do is quit
Lean over here so I can whisper in your ear
...Get over it

You think you're the only one with problems
That spends most of your time in the ditch
Here's a news flash, we've all got em
...Get over it

You whine and cry thru the struggles
In the midst of quivering lips
Time after time, questioning why
...Get over it

I'm not saying it can be that easy
And with all of this being said
Still stuck in repeat believe you me
...Get over it

the needle and spoon
an off kilter tune
the flick of the bic
ends up burning you
life on the run
the milking of blood
as good as done
i'm not making this up
the sinking of eyes
the pasting of skin
the mirror tells lies
at least you wish that it did
you've traded in hope
for your daily dose
keep this in mind
why they call it dope

I saw a man with a heavy sign
That harshly read the world is dying
On every street in every town
Too far too late to even count

What we have is little kept
When it comes to the environment
In this game of placing blame
Instead of doing anything

The crew who we listen too
Have more than a few of their screws loose
They dimmed the lights over the signs
While pulling the blinds down on our minds

Like the greatest of magic men
They used their slick slight of hand
Had us watching this not that
Doing tricks behind our backs

Now look and see the mess we're in
The world is sick and dying
Where today I wonder why
We need to be told by a guy with a sign

this is where
they make their stand
dreams, desires
more or less demands
she holds his heart
he holds her hand
thinks long and hard
that yes they can
although at times
they've made their bed
deep down inside
it's more un-kept
with little done
far less said
a burden to
this bird in hand
he moves her closer
to the light
the two of them
with one desire
a spark a flame
a burning fire
could these flames
reach any higher
when more is less
and less is more
the case is shut
this open door
once embraced
the when's, what for
which makes it more
hard to ignore
this fluttering
of in-between
heart to heart
this single beat
the two of them
as one set free
he with her
and she with he

It had its run when you were young
Back in your High school days
#1 it wasn't fun
#2 it was hard to escape

Everyone wants to be noticed
At least to stand out in the crowd
Every teenagers hope is
One day they'll have friends roll around

The fire burns inside fueling anguish
Lord knows the throes take their toll
Not sure how you're going to make it
In this land of Invisible

Then adulthood rolls around with its up's and down
Again not sure how you're going to make it
With so many rules being enforced by fools
And you afraid to say it

Life's 9 to 5 being the tip of the grind
You either love it or you hate it
In case you haven't heard, hates a strong word
But it's the word that perfectly explains it

If your cubicle only had a window
That might shine a glimmer of hope
Remembering  the days you tried to escape
The land of Invisible

Now that's the place that you'd love to go...

you try and justify your life
as it all moves right along
you do your best to try and find
a good reason to all that's wrong

you nitpick at the answers
like an unruly child of three
around the issues, a great dancer
in two part harmony

you consult with modern gurus  
hand picked from the bunch
but like you without a clue
they're also out to lunch

but never has that mattered
when you come face to face
you just put back on the blindfold
and move along your merry way

as you continue the lies to justify
all the wrongs pretended right
you're the only fool you're fooling
but not the only one in this line

Tony the Tiger sleeps in the bowl
And me right along by his side
Waiting for the day to make its way
And the sugar surge to be our guide

Homogenized as the TV lies
On the days upcoming events
Pasting our capes with frosted flakes
To combat every hit that we get

With utensils in hand we'll spoon our way fed
The moment we wake from this dream
Then it's back in the box where we hide the whole lot
Tony the Tiger & me

From one end to the other
Climbing trees and riding bikes
I'm lucky to still be kicking
After all this time

Some things that I've ingested
Have taken its toll on me
I have yet to learn a lesson
On what I do and do not need

In all of this I propose a toast
Raise my glass on high
I've seen more than most
This cat has had some lives

From skydiving to bronco riding
I have yet to skip a beat
After all these years I find that
I'm still landing on my feet

Call it a curse or call it a gift
Throwing caution to the wind
Sometimes I hit, sometimes I miss
But I always get up and do it again

In all of this I propose a toast
Raise my glass on high
I've seen more than most
This cat has had some lives

So glad it came with nine...

Superman needs to iron things out
The Man of Steel is filled with doubt
The world's moving faster than a speeding train
Which only hurts his brain

Used to jump tall buildings in a single bound
Now he jumps at the slightest sound
Popping pills to calm his nerves
Just getting out of bed these days is work

Krypton is looking like a wonderful place
Than the world the Man of Steel sees these days
He might go back and hide in the fact
He's much happier as the mild mannered Clark Kent

When it's hard these days to fly in the sky
As all the smog clouds his eyes
And have you ever tried to bend steel
With a battered soul and broken will

The people of the world can take care of themselves
Either that or call somebody else
He's packing it up and calling it a day
Moving up, up, and away

Superman these days is filled with doubt
Needs a break to iron things out
He'd rather sleep on a bed of Kryptonite
Than try and deal with this crazy life

I've lost my  "J"
I've lost my  "O"
I've lost my  "Y"
Don't you know

I've let recent
Circumstance
Dictate to
My song and dance

The Joy that
I once had
In a "****"
Up and left

I miss the  "J"
I miss the  "O"
I miss the  "Y"
That held me close

I used to wake up
In mid-smile
Ain't seen that smile
In quite a while

With no more  "J"
And no more  "O"
There's no more  "Y"
For me to hold

I hope and pray
That one day
My lost Joy
Will come back this way
And my life can convince it
this time to stay

These days I must say
Can drive a man insane
I throw my hands up
Scream explicit names
From mornings early warning
Until late in the day
What can you do
What can you say

About all these crazy times
That we are living in
Out of our minds
At our wit's end
Don't do as they do
When you see what they did
To tell the truth
Who are we trying to kid

We can monkey it all up
Or either tear it down
Walk and chewing gum
Is much harder than it sounds
I'll tell you what's going on
We're all going down
Searing of the conscience
With all that we've aloud

We're here to speak of the days
Where so many tend to look away
In the vacant eyes who can count
Mile after mile of tortured smiles

Look around everywhere
These are the days of deep despair

We starve ourselves in our beliefs
And yet don't make a dent
Convictions ripe tossed in the heap
Nourishment that came and went

The hills we climb have changed our minds
These are the days of a different kind

We're open to another's thoughts
As long as they match our own
The only thing clear is that we are lost
Sitting numbly in our homes

In our haste we've lost our way
These are the days that have gone to waste

when i look at you
i see life perfect
perfectly fine
everything in line

but what boils
just beneath the surface
when you can no longer hide
and all this comes to light

aparently
you knew how to work it
winking of the eye
telling of the lies

now look at this
pulling back the curtain
took a major dive
went right off the side

goodbye kiss
to your life's lost purpose
try with all your might
still ran out of time

I'm a tad bit curious
As to who made up the rules
That I'm supposed to hate you
For what you do or do not do

And you in turn hate me
For what you do and do not see
In my life that does not align
With what you believe

Why can't we all
Just try and get along
Take a chance in this dance
Harmonizing life in song

Can't I just be me
And can't you be you
You and me, free and easy
Living life by our own rules

He's always early
She's always late
Sometimes they don't show up at all

Her hair is curly
His hair is straight
She is short while he is tall

She lives for today
He worries about tomorrow
Quizzical at what they both will find

She hums happy tunes
He strums his guitar in sorrow
The difference in them is hard to hide

He prefers to dress in black
She's as colorful as a rainbow
Holding hands as they hold each other up

Different as night and day
In all they do and all they say
But they both can agree on love

He's a bit poofy in the pooch
She's a skinny minnie
Yet like a puzzle piece they coincide

She is soft and quiet
He's as loud as a barroom fight
The difference in them is hard to hide

She is in the slow lane
He is on the fast track
In how they approach a job well done

Different as night and day
In all they do and all they say
But they both can agree on love

Do you want to hear
What I've found out
When I think of you
It makes me smile

Gives me a grin
From ear to ear
The way I am
Right here my dear

And something else
That needs be said
I love the way
You hold my hand

Holding tight my right
With your left hand
Gentle yet
With a firm grip

Since I've taken
It this far
You also warm
This once cold heart

I just thought
You ought to know
That all of this
Is going on

And when I think
About it all
It brings about
Another smile

When it comes to people
Aren't we all equal
Aren't we all one and the same

Be it upper class lower
Nation or color
All part of the human race

It makes no sense
To see difference
Based on the skin that we're in

When our souls, hearts, and minds
Reside on the inside
Holding the beauty within

Let's not settle on skin
And dig deeper in
Because skin does not a person make

It's more than one layer
It has to do with behavior
That's going to bring us out of this place

Because everyone suffers
When we see only color
In the way our opinions are based

When it comes to people
There won't be a sequel
When we run out of this human race

we all take time to socialize
on our phones and in disguise
not once do we realize
in this we're not alone

we argue over what we see
standing firm in our beliefs
all of it done constantly
in this we're not alone

look on them with jealousy
wishing somehow that was me
hoping to one day be set free
in this we're not alone

some of us give much away
while some vague in what they say
in how they spend their senseless day
in this we're not alone

picture perfect family
picture perfect scenery
adding to the filtered needs
in this we're not alone

until we realize with tear-filled eyes
the hidden truth behind the lies
and in that truth is where we find
in all of this we are alone

Just when you think it's over
Not sure it's going to last
Look forward to things that matter
Forget about the past

What's done my son is done
Don't let trouble have its way
For there's always tomorrow
Give it one more day

Don't let a bout of doubt
Put it's thumb on you
Drowned out all the sounds
That pull you from the truth

Things often get better
With or without you in the way
Down to the very letter
Give it one more day

You might think this is the ending
With no hope in sight
But it's just the beginning
The first day of the rest of your life

If there's anything worth having
Well, you know what they say
The joy of life is worth saving
Give it one more day

You can read it in the papers
Hear it on the news
The world we're in is crumbling
The Devil's on the loose

If it ain't the angry weather
It's in man's bad attitude
Heartaches and hurricanes drain
Any ole good time mood

We can raise our hands in ignorance
Claim what's wrong is right
All join in this crazy dance
To the Devil's delight

It's permeates the earthly atmosphere
What's a boy and girl to do
From humidity to the driest need
Our seams have come unglued

You can see it in the faces
In the latest of knee jerks
In most all the cases
The Devil is at work

it didn't take too long
to finally hit this day
like a brick wall
run out of things to say
it's my own fault
for getting in the way

i'm afraid

it didn't take too long
to blink and draw a blank
with nothing going on
i only have me to thank
all bought for a song
but the gang already sang

ain't it a shame

it didn't take too long
for me to take a break
to give up hope
on what i wanted to say
to lose a slice of the pie
or a piece of the cake

the day

didn't take too long
for my thoughts to up and leave
to find this kiddy pool
entirely way to deep
what took so long
is the only thing i can think

see what i mean

I hope it is you know
That you are beautiful
There's an air about you
That sets off a certain glow

Like a painting hanging on display
A wonderful piece of art
I hope it is you know
How beautiful you are

I wanted you to know
So I jotted down this note
Out of all the wonders in this world
It's you that's beautiful

There is only one of you
After that God broke the mold
Because you're so beautiful
I thought you should be told

You are beautiful
But you are not alone
All the women of the world
Share beauty as their home

Age is not a factor
From the young to the old
You are woman and you shine
For you are beautiful

What is it now
That holds you back
From all of the questions
That are being asked
What do you find
That's in your way
Where you no longer
Have a say

What is it now
That you have allowed
To come thru your door
To crowd out your house
What do you find
That's on your mind
That has yet
Come to light

What is it now
That holds you down
When clearly there is
No one around
What do you find
That comes to light
When you reach
Deep down inside

What is it now...

This is California
Before it slides into the sea
Don't say I didn't warn ya
It's a beautiful place to be

It can certainly hypnotize
With the blueness of its skies
In every corner you will find
The sun can't help but shine

This is California
Exudes an attitude
Don't say I didn't warn ya
A completely different mood

From anything you've ever seen
Hope to have or hope to be
Once you're there you'll never leave
This California dream

This is California
The land of opportunity
Don't say I didn't warn ya
Before it slides into the sea

I have my share of what some call trinkets
But to me they're memories
If I lose my train to think it
I just stop and look around me

I have keys chains from the tropics
Tee shirts that say wish you were here
If you name it chances are I've got it
In the form of souvenirs

From the time I was in Canada
There's an ash tray never used
It was either that or a button
That proclaimed, I kissed a moose

I have all these things to guide me
When my mind stops running clear
If you need me you can find me
Reminiscing with my souvenirs

There's a Chihuahua doll from Mexico
A flag and stand from Japan
I can still feel the warm Hawaiian glow
In this bottle of beach sand

When I am old and beyond gray
I'll have all this to take me there
Back to the days I once made
In the form of souvenirs

It's Winter here
In Florida
How do I know
The calendar says so

There's the slightest dip
In humidity
If you ask me
The bugs are relieved
As far as all
Our winter clothes
Bermuda shorts
Are pulled down low
Out come the socks
Between the toes
Pull back the yarn
Where the sandal goes

And with the sweat
On my forehead
I'm pretty sure
There's a few drops less

People bring
Their families down
I can always tell
There's a bigger crowd

All the birds
Just sit and stare
With a knowing nod
They're going nowhere

Yes it's winter here
In Florida
How do I know
The calendar says so

I often hide behind
The poetry I write
If you only knew
What I was going through

You might not come to grips
Or even come to like
This poet here
That keeps on fooling you

In and out of seasons
This reasoning of mind
Who's to say
What is false or true

Warmer comes the weather
Colder stays the heart
With straight face
No one has a clue

As I press pen to paper
In another roundabout
Way of making
Rhyming words for you

This whole time hiding behind
Theses simple words I write
Where no one has a clue
Of what I'm really going through