I wish I had even the self restraint it would take
To keep from following you home like a lost puppy
But clearly not.
If I don’t pay attention when I’m with you
I swear I could end up anywhere.
You could probably walk out into traffic
And there I’d be beside you.
Whatever it is that I feel about you
Pulls on me
Like a string tied to my heart
And I just
Follow
Without knowing why.
It’s ridiculous
It’s dangerous
And I know it
And I am completely helpless against it
Anyway.
I think you saw it for a second tonight
As you were leaving.
I think you expected me to walk away first
And honestly
TRULY I was trying to-
Sadly, I was trying
My best.
My feeble efforts did absolutely nothing.
Instead I stood there,
Frozen,
Feeling that pull to go wherever you went
And watching you look at me
Quizzically,
Watching you notice how difficult it was for me
And wonder about it.
I probably should have been embarrassed,
But instead
I was just stuck,
Stuck for a moment in this weird gravity
Struggling to break free.
And then common sense returned and I think I must have blushed
And said something strange
And hurried off as you turned away.
I don’t know how long this will last-
I don’t know if I’ll just be like this forever
Always sort of tugged towards you,
Or if it will smooth itself out eventually and I’ll be looking back on this with chagrin.
I just know that
Right now
I’d cheerfully follow you into hell
And there’s not a **** thing I can do about it.

I could say
That without you in the world
Silence would fall on the whole planet
All at once
Like a blanket of snow
Like a curtain on a lit stage
And everyone would become a silent film-
Playgrounds
Board meetings
Lovers
And
Crowded trains
People standing puzzled,
Voices stolen by a universe
Holding its breath.
I could say that the color would leech from everything-
Traffic lights and flowering trees and oceans
Bland and gray and flat,
Husks of beauty.
I could say that all the strings on all the violins in every orchestra
Would snap at once
And hang limp
Like bits of litter caught on tree limbs.
I could say that
Every song would be wiped from every page
And every long fingered pianist
Would freeze at his work
Hands shaking
Suddenly unable to remember
What his own mind sounds like
And unable to cry out
In dismay.
I could say that the stars would slide like tears down the face of the sky,
That the old gods would turn in their graves,
That the roar of the world would come to a halt
So suddenly and so completely
That every person in it would stop and stare upward
A billion faces all lit with fear confusion and grief
A billion voices
Bitten off like unwary confessions.

I could say all of that,

But I won’t.

Because after all,
It would only feel that way
For those who knew you,
Wouldn’t it?

For everyone else, the sun would rise like always
The wind would whisper
Time would march on
As it always has.
Colors would remain firmly in place
Just as beautiful
As any other day.
Music would swell in subway cars and concert halls and little houses.
Children would laugh and shout in schoolyards
Deals would be struck, fortunes would be made
Vows would be said
And bows would be taken to thunderous applause.
Choirs would sing
And raucous men in bars would shout at tv screens.
People would swarm blithely through airports and streets and museums
Murmuring, laughing.

And somehow...
Somehow that is so much worse

Because none of them would know

That silence should have fallen

And didn’t.

When you ever looked at me
With this sweet uncertainty in your eyes
As if I could get sick of you
And told me haltingly
That it was okay if I wanted to go,
I couldn’t even be scared anymore-
A laugh escaped me
Pure incredulity
And my heart was full for one moment
Of laughter and sunny days
Because I had never heard anything
So absurd in all my life.
Here I was
Fighting tooth and nail
Grappling with my feelings for you
Dizzy with fear tinged joy,
Hoping to steal one more minute with you
Before you found me out and leapt back in shock and fear,
And you were watching me, worried
That I would take back what little affection I’d let escape?
It still makes me smile,
The innocence I saw in you then.
It warms my soul
Not just because it means you care
But because I love that part of you.
Something survived all these years,
All this suffering and turmoil,
Just to gaze at me with that tenuous look
And assume I could do anything but love you for it.
I was speechless, I was floored,
Suddenly reassuring you in a rush-
‘No, no, it makes my whole DAY to talk to you’
Tripping over my words
For a new reason.
It was my first glimpse of why
You don’t know I love you
Even though I’ve told you.
You’re a little bit like me, aren’t you?
You’ve been the sorry one
Haven’t you?
The one who doesn’t belong anywhere.
Darling, I hope you never feel sorry again.
I hope you bloom under this love-
Mine and his,
Mine and his and everyone’s, because they feel it, they have to.
I’ll say it as many times as it takes for you to believe-
Anyone who doesn’t treasure every minute they get with you
Is a ******* idiot
And that’s all there is to it.

I try not to let anyone catch me gazing at you
But it’s like gravity has shifted.
I drink in the sight of you,
Any moment when I can look at your face.
When people are around I force myself to ignore you
But that makes you loom larger,
A force so powerful my heart aches,
And it is an agony to turn away, to pretend I don’t feel a pull strong enough to dizzy me-
Just one more second
Just one more glance
As if you’ll be gone if I wait too long.
In those rare moments when I can look at you without fear
I’m surprised you don’t see the tenderness in my face,
A gentleness I am ashamed of
Because it is both
Unmistakable
And traitorous.
The artist in me notices the curve of your jaw
The softness of your mouth
The depth behind your black rimmed eyes.

I could paint until my hands bled and not capture the hypnotic grace you wear like a mantle.
I truly don’t think you have any sense of it.

The other day I walked into the room, glancing into the shadows
And stopped short.
I covered for it quickly, but what halted me wasn’t surprise at seeing someone in the chair there,
It was awe.
You could have stepped out of a painting of the fallen angels and chosen that armchair as your throne.
Soft light poured over the green velvet of the cushions, stopping only to frame your face in shadow.
Your eyes glittered in the dimness
As you glanced up at me,
And I could have left the Garden
Aflame
For your gaze alone.
Just then,
I know I would have.

It is dangerous to look at someone the way
I know
I look at you.
Beauty isn’t the word
You’re something more
Something harsher
Something deeper
Something
More complete,
And when I look at you-
Sidelong
Hoping nobody will notice
Hoping that you won’t find me out
But drawn there by a force I can’t resist-
When I look at you,

I know that Heaven and Hell are only words
But I feel
Both
In my very skin.

“You sure do worry a lot.”
You’re not wrong there.
I worry
That you’ll see through me
And that you won’t like
What you find.
I worry
You’ll get bored with me
Or tired of my constant passions,
My midnight thoughts and my
Searching.
I worry
That you’ll be afraid of me
When you finally realize
Who I am,
That you won’t
Want to know me anymore-
That you’ll take back this fragile intimacy
This connection
And I will be
All alone again
But with a fresh memory
To hurt over.
I worry
That you’ll think
I can’t meet your eyes
Because I’m afraid of you
Or because
I am a liar
When really
I am struggling with myself
Afraid of my loneliness and my honesty
Afraid that in betraying myself I’ll betray
You.
I’m worried
I’ll wake up one morning
And you’ll have vanished like the ghost you say you feel like
Disappeared
And that I will be
The haunted one
Struggling to adjust to the bitter emptiness you would already leave behind in me.
I have been there before
I have had the dark
Pour into my chest like black water
Rushing to fill the space
Of someone suddenly gone.
It felt like
Drowning.
Please, be gentle with me.
Please, don’t forget me.
Please, forgive me.
I am trying
Not to worry.

The day you got your hair cut
I went to a lesbian bar after work.
It was 3
And I was tired
But I went straight there
Because I had to do something.
I knew it was a lost cause before I even got there.
The back of my neck was prickling with tension
With fear
Because I knew I was too late.
Somewhere in the depths of my soul
My free will was on a gurney,
Cold.
But I couldn’t help it-
I needed to feel like I had control,
So I went inside.
People were dancing.
None of them held themselves the way you do
Like a marble statue that has set down axe and shield and stepped off the plinth for a brief rest
(You will be returning to battle shortly-
After you fix your eyeliner.)

I did a shot
Because that’s what you do.
They were free- *** on the Beach.
I sat there,
Wondering why the fact that you named your cat Heathcliff as a child meant that I had to love you.

I decided that I needed something stronger in the way of alcohol.

A girl with soft brown eyes and long hair came up to me.
Her name was Tiffany.
She wasn’t clever like you
And her voice
Wasn’t low and rough like yours
But she told me I was pretty.
I already knew, but I thanked her.
I felt nothing.
She wasn’t interesting
Or funny
Or smart.
She was attractive- beautiful even, I suppose,
And maybe she was kind.
She bought me a drink,
And mistook my sadness for shyness.
As I answered her questions I was afraid your name would fall from my lips like a seed
Take root and grow up through the floorboards.
Nothing she said changed me, nothing I said back changed me,
And my thoughts kept snagging on you
Tearing and unraveling.
I needed you out of my head.
She was looking at me with big eyes
And I suppose they were compelling
But they weren’t yours-
Rimmed with black, hypnotic and stormy at times, sparkling with mischief at others,
Forever changing and forever captivating,
Windows to a soul I fiercely wish I knew-
They were just eyes, and maybe they were vulnerable
Or curious
Or sweet.
I kissed her so that I could stop looking into them
And not seeing you there.
Her lips tasted like nothing.
I closed my eyes and kissed her harder,
Hoping for a reason to forget you.

We were beautiful, I knew that.
I could feel eyes on us-
Two small, lovely women
Tangled on the dance floor under the lights
Fingers in each other’s hair-
We must have looked
Just like lovers.

I searched for a way out of my feelings for you.
I kissed her for a long time, until we were both gasping.
I found nothing.
In my frustration I pulled her head back,
Bit her lip
Pressed my fingers hard into the back of her neck
And I felt her lust
But not mine.
It was nice to be wanted
But not nice enough.
I wanted to hurt her for touching me
For not being you
So I pulled away
And kissed her cheek gently
My hands beneath her jaw.
“Wow,” she said.
I couldn’t look at her.
That tenderness wasn’t hers
But it didn’t matter.
I kissed her hands
In penance disguised as sweetness.
Suddenly all the anger was gone from me
And I felt desolate.

That night I walked home with my head buzzing.
I wasn’t drunk,
I was sober as hell
Head pounding with thoughts of you.
I hated it.
I hate it.
Somehow I fell into this feeling
And I’ve been fighting not to drown ever since.
When I look at you
I feel everything I wish I’d felt while I was kissing her
And more
That I sometimes wish I’d never feel again.
Sometimes I think you see it.
Sometimes I know I cover for it badly.
Sometimes, when you’re suddenly present
Like the sun has turned on just for me
And then distant later
Like the sea at night
I think you know I already love you.
Maybe you hate it like I hate it.
Maybe you worship it like I worship it.
Maybe you fear it
And I don’t blame you.
A storm presses out against my skin when I look at you
And I’m surprised no chaos seeps through.
My bones hum with it
My heartbeat reaching like thunder into my fingers.

I’ll probably never kiss you
And maybe that’s for the best
Because even being near you makes me feel like I’m falling from somewhere high up.
If I kissed you, I’d feel everything, I’m sure of it-
Everything there is to feel
And it would end me
And I would be grateful.

I wonder if you ever see that in my eyes.
That fear, that longing, that shame and joy.
A love and loathing so intense it scalds.
‘I can’t believe I’m here again,’
It pounds through my veins.
‘I can’t believe I love another person
Who is always looking elsewhere.’

Just know, if you ever discover how I feel
That I tried to **** it.
I looked at this beautiful feeling
A feeling you could pray before like an altar
A feeling you could whisper into like a temple- barefoot and cold with wonder- and hear your soul echo back,
I looked at the sacred piece of humanity that had suddenly risen in my heart like a hymn
And I tried to silence it-
I tried hard-
So that you would never have to fear it.

I failed. It lives.
It took root in me, and whenever I speak your name little harsh flowers push their way up through the concrete under my feet, sending cracks out like jagged spiderwebs.
They bloom like wounds.
They kiss the sky.
And, slowly,
They are crumbling this city to dust.