and here i am again
at the intersection
of pedestrian language
& old wives tales
swallowing gum
like 7 year memories
opening umbrellas inside
cause i can't seem get away
from all of this rain
i ******* with my left hand
cause i was told
back in highschool that
"it feels like someone else is doing it"
it gets me wondering
about the difference between
losing you and finding out
that some one else found you
or my sleep
or lack thereof
its starting to tear me apart
i keep having this dream
where you are in
an unfamiliar body of water
trying to wash my poetry
off of your hands
or the one where
something happens in my chest
every time you sit
on someone else's bed
i'm tired of feeling like something you've misplaced
but don't have the heart
to look for anymore
tired of you saying my name
like you're trying to bury it
i'm tired of wondering
if you can tell the difference
between the absence
of my voice & silence
the other day
i almost started sobbing
at work when a woman
asked me about
our equipment
i was explaining how
things come apart
and almost mentioned your name
it made me think
of how you used to say
things like "what would you do
if i showed up on your doorstep
one day?" now, i haunt
the windows in my house
i don't leave for weeks at a time
i sit on the porch like the dog
you didn't shoot behind the shed
the one that refuses to die
until you come home again
i told somebody once, that
you didn't even know
what my voicemail sounded like
i wonder if they thought
it was because you
are so important that i never
let it ring that many times
before picking up
or if you dont know
what it sounds like
because you've never called
you can't be the ****** weapon
and the search party
i'm tired of all the seats
to the ferris wheel in my chest
being empty
tired of your voice
being the one i look for
in abandoned places
that one sound i beg
to bounce back
down vacant hallways
i just seem to stand there
in all of that quiet
like someone looking for a mistake
on an eviction notice
so i guess the hardest part
isn't letting go
it's forgetting
you ever had a grip
in the first place
and since you've been gone
i wonder if when
you pushed yourself away from me
you used your left hand
so it felt like someone else did it

11:16 PM
each time i attempt to sleep, each time
i try to push and shove the thought of you out of my head, i fail. miserably.
1:27 AM
every moment spent with you engulfs my brain. every smile, every laugh we shared, the time you first asked if you could kiss me. an ocean full of memories i'm drowning in.
2:01 AM
i realize my days and nights have lingered on for weeks now and still you aren't here, nor anywhere near. still you are away. still you are there. while i remain here, in this bed, hopelessly missing you. hoping wherever you are, that you are hopelessly missing me too.
2:33 AM
i realize you'll never be here.. ever.
2:47 AM
my bed feels so empty and i can't stop tracing over the place where your body once filled the empty space. keeping the other half of my sheets warm.
3:13 AM
you've managed to make it through another night of running through my head. i keep scratching down things that will allow you to escape my brain and rest on my pages, but i stopped, because i got jealous of the pages, and wanted you to rest in my arms.
6:39 AM
the sun is starting to peek through my blinds. his eyes now opening, waking up to kiss the horizon good morning. i prepare to close mine, forcing myself to sleep, and imagine kissing yours goodnight.

you are a traveler
it was winter where you were
you were alone
surrounded by nothing
but coldness, loneliness, darkness

i took you in
maybe it was your (sad) eyes
or the way you moved
but i took you in

i gave you shelter
but in time
i wanted to give you everything
warmth, love, care
(shelter for your heart)

you became stronger
and got back on your feet
but i became weaker
the way my knees would buckle listening to your laughter

and one day you told me you loved me
and i believed you
as fast as when you left
the very next day

and now i am stuck at home
alone once again
but i forgot how to live on my own
and all i remember is the way your hand felt in mine

because you are a traveler
and i forgot that i was no different
than just another stopover
that "stay" wasn't a word in your dictionary

and all I could do is survive
the storm raging inside
that you left behind
ever since you left