I want to enjoy life, more than ever before. I want to work out, run marathons without worrying about getting a t-shirt or an Instagram like. I want to sweat this **** off like in the game of life.
I want to indulge whatever I want. I'm craving all types of food and feel like having something from the nearest untrustworthy food stand, sit, eat and belch like an ''I won *****'' paean. Maybe I could go vegan for a day, or try the disgusting raw food challenge or switch it later to become a fast food nasty piggish *****. Food shouldn't be feared, it shouldn't make you sick nor fat. I don't even care about my shape like I used to, food is there to be lustly enjoyed before it is pooped, my friends. I don't mind if I'm slim or fat for the first time in my life yet I still in a pseudo imposed diet and nobody knows why.
Oh God! I want to jump in the water cold or hot, who cares? sunny or cloudy, who gives a dime? Better yet, I want to jump out off a plane for skydiving and feel I'm flying free, high, higher than my thoughts and fears. I want to drink and celebrate as if it were my birthday, and toast to wisdom rather than to wrinkles. I want to dance like the whole world is watching, flashing me and tagging me.
I want all that. I want to spend all the money I have on dresses, hippie, elegant, short, longs and even see through ones but I just want to forget about ''saving for a house'', ''saving for a future that might never come.
Oh man, I want to do more things than I even dared to in my beautiful early twenties. I actually think I should have done more, dared more, even gotten laid more. Why not?
But this stupid sickness has turned me into a trapped bird on an infamous spell. Right after a click, I'm just a free bird in a cage, trapped in a white four-wall safety room whether it is home or work. This right here is a bird which lamely admires people living their life outside and watching the clock inside ticking ''it's one more minute of prison'' going by and by and by like a stream of water in my sweaty hands. That' s where a stupid sickness can drag ones life on, trapped in a safe yet hermetic & suffocating bag. Usually, the NY Times articles, writing drafts and camera lenses from my balcony alleviate this and convince me it is not too bad. But it actually is very bad. and God knows I'm getting tired of this.
If life is a game, if this life is a game, then someone has to lose while the other wins.
Will abracadabra inscribed on an amulet make me win? If Roman emperor Caracalla prescribed that malaria sufferers wear an amulet containing the word written in the form of a triangle in order to get healed.
I trust the man. I just want to be free.

Sometimes life turns into a imaginary roller coaster. Incongruously, people outside stroll in slow motion while you are on the tallest ride full of up and downs.
You feel when it is going to start, you just can't make it stop.
Thoughts go faster than the real speed and people from outside don't bother even imagine, there is someone sitting on that spot fearing for her own life fearing of her own shadow.
At moments you get thrills of going fast, higher and higher and then comes the low blood pressure of going down and down.
It's a non-stopping ride, it's all in your mind. Next thing you know, you are back to a coward you praying to get off this whiplash ride.
Then life stops being fun.
A lot of metaphors people don't understand and I envy them for that.

Life is an adventure
And here I am in the roller coaster
Of being older than 25 and being rushed to accomplish tasks before I turn the despicable 30 augusts.
Love is an adventure
So it is to look into your eyes
If I am to swim in stormy waters
I would pleasely risk my heart in the blue ocean of your eyes.
Life and love are both adventures
But we must take the ride
We may panic, we may cry, we may win or feel like we are going to die
Yet here we are and we will
Living through the speed, the anxiety and adrenaline
Living life and loving love
Is always being in an amusement park.
I love the adventure to live but I want to live it being love my favorite ride.

When life comes to end
Shall my nights encounter daylight
Or will it be the final sunset anouncing the end?  
Have I not been taught about life and afterlife
Neither has life wanted to deal with that question mark
No book ensured me what if my life comes to end
But my heart whispers thoughts of a multiple-color  paradise
With Such beautiful and unknown Colors that our inteligence has not been yet able to invent
So when life comes to end
There is one thing I want to get:
His forgiveness, his acceptance and the safety in his hands.
So if life comes to end in this right second and place,
I pray to be taken where in his arms I can rest.
Lord, you, and only you, decide When is the end.
You can make it last, you can make it short, you can stop it tomorrow or may not even let me finish this verse.
And tonight, my Lord,  I pray your angels take me to your promise land tomorrow or tonight, whenever it is the time.
Let me be blessed with your grace if my eyes were to never be opened to live another day....

Just when I thought it was gone, it came back to play with my mind and heart again.
It's raining cats and thoughts, and my sensibility gets wet and diminished.
All I have gained is taken away in a ,literally, heart beat multiplied by a hundred.
All I have laughed during the day is just trashing away as the world stops as well.
They say it is all in my head, I say it is like a ghost right here choking me up on the couch.
Just go away and let me be myself again.