When I first met you I was high off of all the pheromones and adrenaline but deep down I knew that I was driving on a one way track off a steep cliff with you. But in the heat of the moment as long as you were by my side it felt like the single handed best decision I had ever made. I was terrified because I knew I would eventually reach the bottom but the thrill of it all lead to my temporary insanity.  

I reached the bottom of the pit but I’m alone now trying to figure out how it ever made sense. How was I EVER that self destructive version of me?

Sent a ghost a message
I knew it was futile
The heart does what it wants
Every once in awhile

You might have executed the devil's plan
May have even pulled the rug out from where I stand
But all you really showed was your sleight of hand
Just another boy, pretending to be a man.

Can’t run from your demons you have to finish them
Can’t run from your problems you have to diminish them

I knew love was a truck which you would never be hit
And then I knew what unrequited meant

My axis keeps on shifting
Can’t stop my mind from drifting
When nothing feels uplifting
And it just hurts existing

I met the one
But then he ran
So then I sank
While he swam

On humanity I've given up hope
All I want is a kaleidoscope
To see through souls find what's real
Too many fake people who cannot feel

You don’t know my dreams, my hopes, my fears.
The way I take my coffee or the songs that drown my tears.
You don’t understand the way people have ****** me over or you wouldn’t have done the same.
You don’t realize how bad I need someone to vent to or the way I hate my name.
You don’t know the way my demons torture me and what I stay up all night thinking.
You don’t know my regrets or my favorite book or how to keep me from sinking.

I got closure from a ghost
When I needed it the most
Allowed me to finally heal
Resentment I no longer feel

Out of sight, out of mind
Rearview mirror, left behind

For you in my book I broke every rule
Only to end up looking like a fool

I was a special little girl
Who was forgotten in this world
No one bothered to water me
Or let the sun shine on my leaves
No one told me that I could sing
They held me down & clipped my wings
They grew back just so I could see
Who I was always meant to be

We’re not even a notch on a sun dial

Reality can be such an unforgiving *****
When you realize fairytale endings don’t exist

I thought that you held the match strong enough to hold the spark
But you won't be the one finding my way out of the dark
It's not that I expect a pristine list of all your credentials
But it's a different kind of pain when you don't live up to your potential

Memories that will never be made
Guess it’s better to just let them fade...

If depth and mystery are your weakness, meet poison

How many tears can you cry
How many times can you try
How many years can you lie
How many deaths can you die

I guess I can’t delete every feeling
‘Til they're done twisting the knife
That’s when I choose to finally give up
That’s when I detect the strife
That they don’t realize mortality
Or get the meaning of life

Feelers in tune with the universe
Synchronicity is what I crave
But when no one knows your frequency
You must wait for them to catch the wave

It’s not as if you were even my best
It just was so effortless....effortless

I’ll give you everything if I think you’re the one
But once I am through with you I promise I’m done

Mental funerals, empty epitaphs
How sad it is when nothing ever lasts

I started to write the best story I had ever let myself imagine when it abruptly stopped. The main character's focus shifted and there was nothing I could do to change it. I looked back at it later and realized it's better if I don't pick it apart or try to rearrange the words. Or try to embellish. It's too complex to be reduced to words.

(You're my unfinished poem. The perfect ending that will never transpire.)

Lightness fades against the dark
Like lovers flame reduced to spark

It is a draining job you see
Absorbing all your energy...

I've spent my lifetime trying to prove magic was real. Wishing on stars and chasing nonexistent mermaids. As an adult I became disheartened and "logical" nevertheless secretly wishing it still to be true. I've realized magic is real. Magic is the connection between two people who can't stop smiling for two seconds around each other and have somehow found one another out of the 7 billion of us. It's what the french call je nais sai quoi. Its the instant connection and perfect banter that sets them apart from the rest. It's the sparkle in their eye, the reflection of that mysterious and unexplainable feeling manifested. It's the elusive feeling we spend our short time here chasing beyond all reason. Some call it fate but I call it magic.

Talk to me of the tainted tinctures in your head
How you prefer a deep shade of blue over crimson red
Tell me your fears are they similar to mine
Do you hate that there is no button U can press to rewind
Divulge your secrets I'll harvest them one by one
Where do you keep the bullets for your hypothetical gun
Look me in the eye tell me where your joy comes from
I will protect us both from the depths of the sun
If the spiders could talk that you let to see another day
What would they tell me, what would they say
The fly on the wall does he even know that you see him
And live so vicariously that U would trade places to free him

I’m a delicate flower
That you do not deserve
So here in isolation
My petals I’ll preserve

I like to escape reality
But Its good to keep a tether
Or else I would just float away
As if I were a feather

I can’t convince you to look at the sky when you’re fixated on the ground
I can’t continue to chase you when you don’t ever want to be found

Why couldn’t I say goodbye
Why couldn’t I get things off my chest
Why did you have to ghost me
Why did I have to lay you to rest

How can you possibly force feelings to fade?
Except bury them deep and store them away
They cannot be destroyed just like they cannot be made
Hoping eventually they are resurrected someday

Love is the rarest and the most magical feeling
When you’re forced to destroy it, it loses all meaning

Not sure if you ever noticed
I couldnt make eye contact with you
I could never match your gaze
Your eyes knew exactly what I knew

The hardest thing it took for me to see
It wasn’t for you what it was to me

You can lead a fool to love but he’ll just leave you on the brink

My face is a mask it only disguises the soul inside me that never provided
enough interest to provoke your eyes, your void & hollow compromises
you pretended to be all my desires choking on smoke to extinguish the fire u ignited, u decided, to let that transpire with no remorse, you took your course, left the door open wide
I hope you keep ur improvises on a shorter leash next time or you won't make it out alive

Nostalgia always haunts me
On nights that I am alone
Forcing me to resurrect
Old ghosts that have been long gone
Nostalgia go **** yourself
The ******* that always wins
I try to drown your sorrows
Hope we never meet again

I've always read about people who lived in far away places. Always had my head in the clouds, my nose in a book. Settle down they say. How can I settle when I've never belonged here? This isn't my path. I'll have to blaze my own. Pieces of my heart are scattered in far away places and I'm meant to find them.

The only time I've really felt alive
Is with smoke in my lungs, going 99
Trying my best to get this heart to revive
Doing the minimum it takes to survive
Wind in my hair, pedal under my feet
Music so high, I'll float out of my seat
Playing all the sad songs again on repeat
Learning how to accept my hearts worst defeat

I feel bad for my heart, it’s been through a lot
Beaten, bruised, stabbed, nearly fatally shot
Time heals all wounds but it hasn’t forgot


I feel bad for my heart....we’ve been through a lot.

You gave me enough space
You gave me enough time
For me to finally realize
You were never going to be mine

What you tend to forget
What escapes you
Is that I still exist
& I’m hurting too

Fresh heartache - nothing makes u feel so alive
Yet so close to death at the very same time

As time went by and we both grew more old
Shorter conversations as you grew more cold
So I withdrew and that’s when I started to see
That what I once most wanted didn’t want me

More certain than death and taxes
You spun me right off of my axis
Congratulations, that's the fastest
My heart has ever been reduced to ashes

I remember the last time that you kissed me
Or the last time you licked my face
If I knew I was running against the clock
Then I would have picked up my pace

If only you could see what’s
next
So you could know which way to turn
But that’s just not the way life goes
Only the hard way must you learn