I take a cigarette out of the pack
Flip it over and put it back
I don't even smoke
And I'm too broke
To try and start
But there's this feeling in my heart
Of loneliness and I'm scared
But this nicotine makes me feel like someone cares
So I puff and listen to the sounds of the city
Wishing I felt pretty
Like the lights that dance on the asphalt
And I know it's my fault
That I feel this way
But there's too much I need to say
To get out of this black hole
& I'm not sure I have enough strength in my soul
Filled with smoke and nicotine
And I'm barely eighteen
And I don't know if I can live a lifetime like this
Completely and utterly emotionless

The rain makes your
veins look like
dark black bra straps
underneath a veil of Topshop sale items-
the bangles were bought elsewhere.
Though it's not their size that worry me,
it's what look lives within your eyes
every time you run a finger up your arm
and back down your arm again;
the charm in your slightly curling autumn leafed smile
curls a little more, turning smooth lakeside skin
into Nile-esturay wrinkles that say save me Tim.

Your red delta cheeks pulsate
in the late afternoon sun coming in on
a diagonal through the newly installed,
doesn't quite close properly, velux window;
you ran through fields only
to end up teary eyed in the kitchen
doorway threshold.

But here, here is where your river 
meets my sea, and turbulent tides
swell up to ferry us away to new coastline
continents:
forget we ever swimmed and swam,
poured sand from our shoes,
held hands and ran, and
forget we held hips on train station steps,
shared lips, left and then hid.

*When you see this you'll know it's an apology

kiss my neck
tell me "you're mine"

dont tell anyone
but i broke my promise
its been a few weeks now
but i remember that sunday night
i gave in to the voices.
the voices weren't even in my head anymore
nor were they my own.
sadly, they were my parents and my sisters
telling me that i am not gay and that
maybe if i get a nice boyfriend then
i could be normal.
i cut deeper then ever before,
relapse at its finest.
and i couldn't even help but
smile as blood trickled down my arm.
i am sorry, i really am. i went almost three whole months.
and then i lost it, i needed the blood,
i needed the feeling, i needed the pain.

i'll try harder... but i dont think i can keep anymore promises.

October
Body's cold,
And I'm shaking.
A year clean of cutting
Is a beautiful thing.
But when it comes to the rest of the world
Has it just stopped spinning?
I am lost, with no direction.

November
I find myself grasping at straws.
I revisit the practice of purging
And I do it well.
Not only do I make myself *****
But I starve myself too.
Only, they don't know
I've been using it to my advantage
For years.

December
A teacher discovers my eating disorder
So what can I do but confess?
It has been my lifeline
But I will not lie for it
At least, not yet.
But that doesn't mean I'll stop.

My mental state weakens
And I see the slits of light through my shade.
That's all I can get
Since the dreaded events of this past September.

January
The bitter cold sends a shock through my skin
The sky is some muted shade of grey
The air is icy like my soul.

I try to push past it,
Try to let the sun reach me
But it won't
It can't.
Does this month ever end?

February
Still as hostile as its predecessor
But three days shorter.
I look through the crack of my window
Trying to embrace the light.
I get so bored so easily
As winter rages on.

How can I get through this sleet storm?
Pieces of hail, like little bullets, pierce my skin
I want to run for shelter
To the one thing that smells familiar.
A knife, a finger in my throat,
But I hold on just a little bit longer.
The only relief I allow myself
Is a drag from a cigarette
But it is still too cold for that.

March
The dead begins to find its life
Small specks of green begin to show themselves.
The air begins to rise
And I can go outside again.
But for the first fifteen days
The temperature is less than inviting.

March is also a marker.

It's been six months since God gained an angel
Six months since my body was violated again
Six months since that brutal September
That broken, sickly month
That changed my life.

April
Oh, how I love you
But I could do without your rainy days.
Even though things are looking up
I am looking down a sewage drain
Or over the edge of a balcony

Will I fall off?
Will I jump?
Will I be pushed too far?
No one can say for sure.

May
I always thought this was the perfect time of year
If I ever have children
I hope at least one of them is born during this month.

School's almost out
Senior year is on the horizon
College* is just over the mountain.
Yet my fear for the future prevails.
While my anticipation to get out of here is extreme,
I wish I could know
Who I will become
And if this ailment will leave my spirit alone.

June
Insanity plagues the dainty first month of summer
Whether it be
Finals, graduation parties, or day trips
The insanity in my mind is always unrelenting.

July
The blistering heat
Keeps me mostly indoors
Between work and vacation
I barely have time to breathe in
The suffocating density
Of the nearing 100 degree summer air.

Yet, there is still no one around
No one who's there for me
Who the hell cares?
It's summer
Which gives them a new excuse
To forget about my existence.

August
The birthday blues catch me by the throat
Everyone's gone
And I'm another year older
Big deal.

I smile
Thank them for my presents
Pray to get what I really want:
My license.
Freedom.
A car that I will purchase
After almost two years of working the same
Minimum wage job.
Only time will tell.

But there is nothing special about this birthday.
Multi-colored candles replace my cigarettes
At least they won't give me cancer.

September
School's in session.
But more importantly
It's the anniversary
Of a friend's death
And that vicious attack.
So how do I feel?
How do I cope?
How do I deal?

Honestly, I battle the pain.
Honestly, my memories of both are my only connection.
Honestly, I feel okay.

Time For A Change

Time is now to rise against,
why be kept in suspense.
Time for a revolution,
legalize **** and prostitution.
Cut the deficit right in half,
don't it make you want to laugh.
While we're here, let's have some fun,
the law fought us, but this time we won.
**** the government and their laws,
it's filled with so many flaws.
Killers and rapists, all must die,
molesters with no *****, will surely cry.
But I digress,
country in such a mess.
No one seems to care,
I hate wearing underwear.
People just cramp my style,
every day is like a trial.
Believe in only yourself,
no trophies on my shelf.
The government, we must overthrow,
get ready, get set and lets go.
You all would just chicken out,
this is something, I have no doubt.
Get yourself a pair of *****,
let's climb the White House walls.
On second thought, it will never happen,
I'm just a stupid fool named Allen.
It was just the thought that counts,
just a suggestion, I wanted to announce.