I'll think about you constantly now.. Regardless how "over you" I was. I miss the way you checked on me after I let you know I was broken. I never let you see how much I smiled when you'd go out of your way to say a few sweet words to me.
I regret never telling you just how much you meant to me, and how I was excited to go to some place I hated so deeply cause I got to see your blue eyes glance my way... even for just a moment. I wonder if you noticed  just how nervous I was when you walked my way. Everytime I tried to speak you you, I stumbled over what to say. You gave me a few near heart attacks when you'd appear out of nowhere right behind me. Just seeing you made my heart race, but when you popped out of nowhere it nearly raced out of my chest. I'm sorry I made our conversations so short. I was so sure I'd say something dumb. You deserved to hear the sweetest words and how much I cared. I regret not just swallowing my fear and running to the beat of my racing heart straight up to you and telling you how beautiful you looked. One day, years, months, maybe days from now I'll come back and say hello, and maybe our hello will turn into small talk.. And maybe our small talk will turn into meeting up for coffee and maybe coffee will turn into our third date, but until then I'll just say these few things that you'll never see.

Before I hide myself away
for another night awake,
I'll look up between letterbox gaps in the broken blind
to see the moon shift six degrees southeasterly and think that
in the next seven hours soft eleven light will leak through as
an alarm-clock-call no one asked for.

Before I walk out the door
for another day of yesterday,
I'll look for the wind coming down the road
to ask it if it's bringing me something new on its coattails.
Ikebana dalliance?
A chance blur with her?
Or something old and the same as before?

this is just to say
it’s been ten lonely days
& where are you tonight, love,
when i lie awake
beneath glow-in-the-dark stars plastered all above?

but they’re nothing like the real ones embedded in dark skies
& my daydreams do no justice to your understated eyes.
you are more than i’ve imagined a person could ever be,
though it wouldn’t shock my system if you decided soon to flee

& forgive me for being so confessional,
i don’t mean to write an ending before we’ve lived this out in full

it’s just i think that you’re entwined
in the fibers of my mind,
when every thought that fires
in my brain
is laced with your name

this time, i want nothing but to desperately adore you
tell me you’ll stick around & this time it might be true,
i’ll pretend that i don’t know how i am difficult to hold,
all rough edges & teenage vices, quickly growing old.

i wear wounds on my skin & sadness on my sleeve,
scream & shake & starve for a little reprieve,
& you are the best i have to medicate the pain
so stay a little longer & i’ll try to do the same.

I can walk
this world,
tall or short,
figure one or figure eight,
black or white
has long as my word is on everyone's lips,
has long has i top the gossip list.
              
Fame,
name
all the same.
Money,
folly
all making me naughty.
            
Pleasure,
leisure
all in my ATM treasure.
            
Screams,
dreams
all over the TV screens.
          
I vanish
and smear my ego with a gold polish.
Taking a break, i call it.
              
I could snap my fingers in an empty room
and in an instant it becomes a party room.
          
I walk
through the storm,
cloth the sun,
re-decorate the night sky.
I'm in the world
i'm breathing
and i'm famous.
        
What is the point in not bragging?
When my style isnt manual.
        
What is wrong with being sick in the head,
when ranking makes you un-stable:
most expensive car,
most craziest style,
most funkiest hair,
most hottest chick,
most coziest house,
most expensive jewelleries,
most socially active,
most drunkest driver,
most party crasher,
most grammy receiver...
        
It never stops
till your hand drops
and suddenly the light leaves your eyes
and your heart takes to retirement.
        
The flesh
forgets to carry with it
all it had acquired.
The Grave shuts the stink.

I love how you never treated me right
but now you say you still like me