You were the boy
with the black guitar.
I remember listening to you express how
you'd learn to play one day
and start a band.
That was once my dream too.
Not with you though.
I wanted to be the founder,
the singer,
the guitar player.
I couldn't sing,
and I definitely couldn't play guitar.
I still can't,
though I try to teach myself everyday.
I gave up on that dream
but you followed it
and made it happen.
You sat next to me,
though you didn't want to.
You touched me,
though you didn't mean to.
You apologized,
though you didn't have to.
Maybe it was then
that you knew you wanted
the relationship
we once had
as children.
Now you leave guitar picks laying around
for me to collect.

You like me now.
Or so it seems.
But one day,
I'll do something
to mess it up.
And you'll be gone.
I don't want to be alone.
I can't seem to sleep alone
due to these nightmares that haunt me.
Ones only you can take away.

I'm sorry you can't even stand
to look my way
anymore.
I'm sorry you can't stand to see my face
or read my texts.
I'm sorry you decided
to leave me
high and dry.
I'm sorry it has
to be this way.

Here's one last chance.
Take it while it lasts
because I can promise
that it will end.
My tears are time
wasted trying to find
reasons for goodbye.
I fail every time.
I dream about you.
I wonder what it would
be like
to kiss you.
I'm stuck with these emotions.
Honestly,
just tell me that
it's over.
I won't chase you
even though you're my home.
Tell me that it's
over
and I'll be the first to go.
I can't be the last to know
it's over.
I've wasted tears trying to find a goodbye,
honestly, just tell me it's over.
Just, please.
Honestly tell me.
Please I don't
tell me that
it's over.
But there's a reason for goodbye
that I've wasted time
turned from
    tears.
Honestly, tell me that
    it's over.

If only
Disney were a
genius
and we could
love
the way we did once upon a
dream.
Stay young and forever wild,
throughout the long July month with
hot summer nights.
But none of that exists.
The feeling is never
mutual.
We are all in over our
heads.

I'm starting to wonder
do I really want to talk
to you
ask you where we went wrong
because I already know
You never liked me
in the first place
You and I both know how this
is going to end
but here I am
fighting relentlessly
causing selfish pain
and it's worth it every moment I
chase
Because sooner or later
this train is going to crash and I'll
be the one who's shattered
into a million pieces

After high school,
you'll forget me
and continue
doing those
delinquent
things that
my mother
and
father
would never approve of.
In ten years,
I'll have little
runts running
around.
Pitter-patter sounds
coming from the floor.
Cries
and smiles and blonde
little curly haired
kids.
I'll remember back to
the days
you drove me
wild
and wonder
where you are now.
Maybe you'll have a family of your own.
Or maybe
you'll still be
doing those
delinquent things
that never truly
distracted me
from the person
I was insane for.
Because-
in ten years,
you'll have forgotten me
and I'll
remember you
with my family in the
other room.

I regret everything.
I regret my decision to stay in sports,
give it one last shot to live out my dreams.
I regret twisting my knee.
I regret tearing my ACL and meniscus.
I regret having surgery.
Because if I could go back now and change it all from the beginning,
I wouldn't be here.
Stuck laying in my bed for at least two weeks
with my my leg sensitive and in pain.
Nothing to do but sleep and watch movies all day long.
I regret giving my life away for these three months
to make my knee heal.
I regret everything
because
I just want my life back.

You ignore me for days
where you can't
Look at me,
Talk to me.
Whatever.
So how do you have the ***** to
wave at me
like my best friend
when you pass me?
Yeah, maybe I honked when you doubled back.
But you can't drop me and pick me back up again.
Maybe your grass isn't
so green but
I don't appreciate being toyed with
because I'm not your personal
Barbie Doll.

Are we both lying to ourselves?
Trying to believe something that
ain't true?
Is it tearing us to pieces?
Ripping us into confetti?
But we continue
our routine.
Are we both lying to ourselves?
Trying to believe something that
ain't true?

I laugh as the Jeep
dives nose first into the huge pothole
of mud.
It splatters across my windshield,
turning my white Wrangler
brown.
He chuckles from the passenger
seat.
This was once your idea.
You tried to talk me into going.
Even when I already wanted to,
you wanted it more-
with me.
When I brought it up,
you said you had plans.
I told you to tell me when
and stopped asking.
You held off and
he came into the picture.
I now have the relationship
I once believed
would be
you and me.
You had stopped contacting me
and I wasn't going to be the one all over
you.
But now that I'm with him,
you want back in.
You had
her.
I never understood why you liked her.
She just used you.
The Jeep takes another dive,
headlights first.
My phone vibrates in the cupholder.
It's you.
Citing lyrics from a song that
I once made you listen to.
Do he take care of you? Or could I easily fill his shoes?
You hated that song,
now why are you sending me lyrics?
Because I don't know whether I want
you in my life again or not.
My back tires spin in the hole and I can't get out.
He crawls out and start to dig us out
as the tires spin and splatter him
with mud.
Caking his entire body.
That could be you,
but he's the one I'm mudding
with.

I pull my shirt down
over my ribcage
to cover my tattoo.
It all started with
me telling you how I thought lip piercings
were hot.
Then you went got your lip pierced.
You say I was way out of your limit
but I see it as the other way around.
I mean, what would you do
without my smart mouth?

Now,
tell me,
what is so wrong with me
that you've
gotten to the point,
where you won't even talk to me.

She agreed to go with me to your graduation party so I wouldn't feel awkward, only knowing your two best friends.
I parked across the street and we walked up your slanted driveway.
A former student said hello to her first, before I could find you.
But you were right in front of me
wearing a blue polo, tucked into your khaki shorts and sport flip flops.
Once you finally looked up, I waited for him to finish speaking before saying, "Hey,"
You said "Hey guys," back and made simple conversation about being graduated. Others showed before you offered us food and drink and you greeted them with long hugs.
I stood, awkwardly thinking why we didn't get hugs.
You offered us drinks in the drive or food inside.
You even joked that there was alcohol in the cooler.
We could drink one as long as we didn't drive. Then you corrected it to get caught while driving after it was in our systems. I laughed and said I was the driver here and she could have one.
You laughed and pointed us to the food inside the doorway.
We made ourselves plates and grabbed a refreshment.
We made our way back to your side to say our goodbyes.
She stepped forward to hug with both arms, as you politely returned it.
Then you reached towards me, next to you, with both arms.
How I now wish I would've used both those arms.
But our position made it almost awkwardly impossible.
I reached out with my left and pulled you to my side.
You grabbed my shoulder and pulled me close. Your left arm lingered in front of me before dropping.
I believe you were thinking of turning into a two armed hug.
Now, I wish you would've. I wish I would've turned into it.
But I didn't.
You pulled my close one last time as my hand clasped your waist.
Your waist, oh so skinny.
That's what I noticed most.
The way your body felt in my hand.
It was all ribs.
It felt nice though.
It was comforting
and your body radiated towards me, keeping me company
even though it was hot and sticky out.
Oh, how I wish I could hug you again.
How I wish there was something there between us.
But there isn't.
I would be okay to be close friends with you,
getting to hang out with you more than just work.
How I wish I could be around you.

Your phone voice
so deep
and
groggy
from sleep.
My heart fluttered with
awe.
Your phone voice is so
****
that I absolutely think
it's one of the cutest things about you.
I hear it rumble through your chest and how
you just woke up,
not long ago.
I just can't get
your phone voice out of my head.

I took our pictures down last night.
It still hurt.
After four months of not talking to you,
I decided it was time.
I had been meaning to do it,
but I had to find the time,
the heart
to actually take them down.
I tried not to look at them too much
when I would get ready in the morning
or before I would leave the house
as I passed by.
Last night,
I decided it was time.
I took the frames down from their shelves
and laid them on my bed.
I took my hand and wiped off the dust.
While doing so, my eyes scanned over our faces.
We were smiling.
We were happy.
It was us
and that was all that mattered.
We didn't need boys,
we didn't need anything.
We were best friends
and that was all that mattered.
We used to go shopping.
The antique area was the greatest.
We would walk the brick sidewalks and roads to the CD store,
the collectible store,
and even the vintage clothing store.
We passed the tattoo parlor,
and I joked about going in and making my appointment.
I almost did too.
But I didn't,
convinced it was too far away.
Only to actually get it a couple of months later.
Rides in the Jeep with the top down on the way to the private pool,
with Starbucks in the cup holder.
We talked about boys we liked,
daily events,
and had those days where we just texted song lyrics to each other.
It killed me that I couldn't tell you about my day
and I couldn't hear about yours when you called
everything off.
Now, I know it's partially my fault.
But I tried to patch it all up.
You were the one who called it all off,
without telling me.
I was left in the dust, trying.
I knew it was coming,
but I didn't want to believe it.
It was hard for me.
I couldn't talk to you everyday.
I couldn't tell you about my day nor hear about yours.
I had lost that privilege.
Four months.
It had taken me that long to take our pictures down.
Maybe I was holding onto invisible hope.
I had avoided them as much as possible in those four months though.
My hand hovered over the frame once more,
reminiscing and wishing
for those times again.
Knowing they'd never come again,
not between us,
I flipped the frames over.
I replaced the pictures and my heart ached.
Ached for the good times we had.
But it was something I had to do.
I never knew pictures could make it hurt so bad.
My day went from already ****** to even worse.
I took our pictures down last night,
and it still hurt.