Hot tears stream down his face as the
realization hits him that this is the last game
he will play on his home turf.
He hands his proud mother a single rose
and wraps his arms around her.
His face presses into her shoulder as
tears soak his away jersey that his mother wears on her back.
She's there to comfort him.
Only he doesn't feel that way.
He's scared.
Where will he be a year from now?
He remains scared the whole game.
He then feels ice cold fingers grip the neck of his shoulder and chest pads.
He turns to meet the face of the person who make his skin cool.
Her smile warms.
He tries to stay positive and polite while she talks to him,
as he tries to multitask and focus on the game.
But internally, he wants to cry again.
Therefore, he ends up snapping at her,
feeling guilty about it.
Wanting her to walk away and forget everything that just came
out of his mouth.

I walk into the building and am greeted with
a stairwell in front of me,
bathrooms and the office to the right,
classes to the left.
I start down the stairwell.
My hand reaches out to the wall,
running over the nature paintings
of raccoons, trees, leaves, and deer.
I look over my shoulder and see that it continues
to curl around the corner and the wall across from
each room.
I continue down the stairs,
left into the gymnasium.
Behind me is the lunch window,
in front of me is the counselor's office
(only open on Wednesdays)
and a steep, skinny stairway up to the hallway of classes.
How I miss this old building
that some jack had to go and burn down.

We're hardwired to remember fear the easiest.
Our brains are trained to fear from everyone's pain and suffering.
We're to fear fear itself.
We're hardwired.
Humans are just machines.
Hardwired.

You feel your heart begin to crack and crumble
as it begins to shatter.
You finally realize that the two people that you always thought would be there want nothing to do with you.
You want to exclaim your pain, but you hold back
afraid that one will notice.
You're afraid because you almost want her to notice.
In all reality, you know she won't.
You want them both to notice but you've realized they don't want a thing to do with you.
There was a time when you meant something, everything, to them.
You still feel that they mean something, everything, to you.
They helped you through so much.
You did everything you could to help them and to keep their wonderful smiles afloat from all the troubles they had too.
You feel your heart begin to crack and crumble
as it begins to shatter,
as you begin to cry,
as it becomes harder to breathe,
as you realize they're done with you.
Your heart begins to crack and crumble
as it begins to shatter.
*Things change and people change.

Friends.
That's what we are.
We explore
unusual topics between
opposite ***
friends.
But that's just us,
that's how we are.
But it feels weird the day
that you ask me-
Are you going to the bathroom with me?
I tell you no,
thinking you mean this as joke
while we're walking in the same direction
with different destinations.
Then you look at me with a smile.
Help me go to the bathroom?
Wait, what?
Excuse me?
Do you mean this as a joke?
Or is this one of your flirting techniques?
Maybe I'm over thinking and this is a joke?
Another friend told me he'd never ask me that.
So why did you ask me that?
Why?

I stand back a ways,
and watch as you are with your sister.
Though she may be older, I see the way you care for her.
Your arm wraps around her waist
to pose for pictures.
Your big rough hand rests limply on
the curve of her waist that forms into her hips
as your other hand is your pants pocket.
You look down at her,
your short big sister,
and see a smile spread across her face as
she looks at the camera.
You can't help but smile at her genuine innocence.
I can see that you would do anything for her.
She's your sister
and you look up to her.
You hug her tight
and she kisses your cheek.
While you may not share her genuine innocence,
it brings out the innocent parts of you.
The ones that can help you love
and care for not only her,
but others.
She one of those people that brings the best out in you.

It was a Thursday morning,
when a boy, so young and full of life,
fell victim to his own mind.
It's truly a tragedy that his best friend went over to skip school with him,
only to find him lifeless.
Teenagers, parents, friends, and family all became united once more to overcome the sad emptiness they felt from their loss.
Something so unpredictable. I can only hope that he had the time of his life. And I wish he could've realized that it's never too late.
RIP Collin.
1.15.15

*Such a tragedy that you believed it wouldn't get better. So sad that you will no longer be here to add life and excitement to others' day.

I hear rumors that you're sleeping with her.
I hear you say how you miss your ex and you need to feel something.
Maybe there were feelings there.
But doing something of your choice then complaining about it...
I can't even go there.
Get over yourself.
You're not the person you believe you are.

I'm sick of being that girl that
everyone gets tired of.
You want me,
and when I come to realize
that you're trustworthy enough
to have my walls trimmed down
you no longer want me.
You want someone else.
I'm tired of being special for two weeks
and being dropped
like a hot potato.
I miss being able to make you smile,
I miss being able to make you laugh.
Now I only see you laugh
and smile
when you're not around me.

It's too late now,
there's no turning around.
Whether I loved you or not-
I cared too much.
The hurt had rained all over me,
life seemed to pour out of my body.
You don't love me anymore,
even if you didn't love me at all.
We're at the point of no return-
not now.
Maybe one day
we'll be
meant to be
together.

You said you'd never be this guy.
So what the hell happened?
Why are you being the ******* you promised not to be?
I want to talk to you.
I need to talk to you.
I just have to
because
one day I'm perfectly fine
while on others, I want to scream and cry because of the stuff you've done.
But I know you're not going to tell me what I want to hear.
Would you even meet me somewhere to talk?
Or would you ditch me?
I can't stand to be ripping at seams on those horrible days.
Why the hell are you this important to me?
I'm no beauty queen.
There isn't anything special about me with my ripped jeans and tshirt.
Maybe that's why you decided to leave me alone.

Love has similarities with dreams.
They both
have power.
They can seize terrifying emotions
and deep instincts
and form into
images
that can haunt a person.

I want to tell you what I want.
I want to be brave.
I wonder how I've had the guts to do what I have
but not be brave enough to tell you what I want.
I want to tell you what I want.
I just don't know how to put everything I feel into words.
I feel you in my head,
in my heart.
I feel you causing
butterflies in my stomach,
heat rushing to my cheeks,
and a smile to be plastered to my face.
I want to tell you what I want,
so you can do the same.
But I know you won't.
You're the most unbelievably stubborn person I've ever met.
I have so many feelings,
that I want to say,
to let you know.
There's too many to put into words.
There's too many to make sense.
I want you to use your words.
I want you to tell me what you want.
I want you to tell me how you feel.

I want too many things.
But the only thing that matters to people are feelings and emotional crap.

You asked me not to talk to him.
Then he started flirting with me.
I couldn't make him stop talking to me.
I've kind of wondered what
would happen
if he asked me out.
Now I know.
I told tell him
Sorry, but I can't.
He asks
Why?
I swallow the lump in my throat.
Because I made a promise.
I leave it at that and walk away.
I said no even though I wanted to say yes.
Because I made you a promise,
you meaning absolutely everything to me.
We share secrets
and gossip.
But that's the one thing I wasn't allowed to do.
I said no because I made you a promise.

He tangles his fingers in with mine. The clouds above shifted.
                   Do you love me?
I play with his fingers. Stretching them out, comparing his to mine. I bite a thin layer of skin inside my cheek.
                    No. I don't.
He looks away and sighs at the slate blue sky.
                                                        ~~~~
I rub my hands on the back of my thighs, trying to calm down. What had I done?
He stands in line at Sbarro. Only I would run into him here. I lood around the food court, trying to find someone else to focus on. It'd been almost two months and I was the one falling apart. I stand to leave, failing on trying to find someone.
I push in my chair and try to walk out the door casually, but he ends up in front of me. He passed me as if I was a stranger, but we both knew I wasn't. We both knew that he saw me.
Before I can stop myself and head to my truck, I call out his name. He turns and looks at me without saying anything. I stare, unable to speak now. He turns back, going to his car.
I follow. Just as he sets his sack and cup on the roof, I yell out.
                   I was lying to myself!
He looks up at me.
                 What?
I rub my lips together.
                  When I said I didn't love you, I didn't mean it. I was lying to myself. I've lost a part of me. Now I have no one to lean on to when things are tough. No one to talk to until the sun comes up. There's no one to take your place!
He looks away and clears his throat before facing me again.
                  I can't sleep at night because I'm thinking about you. I can't hear your voice, I can't touch your lips, I can't have you lying by my side. I was stupid, I was foolish, I was lying to myself.
He rounds the car to me. His breath is warm on my face.
                It's a little too late now.
I swallow the lump in my throat.
                  I'm just trying to figure out where the hell I went wrong.
A small smile, turns his lips up.
                You lied to yourself.
He kisses my forehead before leaving me standing in the winter air.

We speed down the winding
highway.
You pass me.
I pass you.
We repeat this until
the straight strip lies ahead of our
headlights.
You go to pass me
but stay by my side.
I can't wipe the smile from my face
as I look to my left and see you grinning at me
not paying attention to the left side of the road ahead of you.
I kiss my fingertips
and flip you the bird.
You wink and finally pass me up,
revving the engine
of your American classic.

I turn my fan on
even though its
winter.
Just to freeze.
I wrap myself in a cocoon
of tied blankets
letting warmth seep into my skin.
Limbs press together shakingly
wishing for it to spread faster.
I want warmth
and comfort.
But I can't have those.
Maybe I'll wake up with them
But as of now,
late at night,
my mind flows
with possibilities
and responses
and ideas
and wishful daydreams
that will most likely never come true.
because I dream too big
and my brain has to process everything
on overdrive.

How did it feel to see my face again?
Did you think that you could look at me without that guilt-ridden face of yours showing?
Did the look in my eyes give away that my stomach suddenly felt empty?
Because you make me sick, I'm just not sure whether it's a good or bad thing yet.
But even when my stomach flips,
I still want to walk up to you and say a big
*******
and hurt you in the worst way possible.
But maybe it will be us against the world once again
in years to come.
But now,
when I want you to stay as far away as possible,
you seem to be near me in some way.

Just because I gave you the rope doesn't mean you had to hang me with it.
Just because she let you stand guard didn't give you the right to tighten the knot.
I trusted you
and
now I feel sick.

It haunts you.
Yet someone is bound to break it
as it needs to be broken.

Will you realize that she had a boyfriend?
She's not over him.
And that she doesn't like you-
the same way you don't like me?
It's too bad that we can't save what
we once had.
Everything we've had is on the line.
It's hard to see you with her.
Every time I turn your way,
all I see is the way she touches you.
Everywhere I look,
I just see the way she holds you.
I just can't seem to get over you.
This is where the ending begins...

I let my fingers run over my skin.
Feeling
every bump,
every dip,
every vein protruding
from flesh.
I look into the man's eyes
as life disappears
Looking him in the eyes
as he becomes still.
Watching hurts more
than knowing.

I've finally realized
that after the
multiple years,
we're playing a love game.
I want to run my hands over your rippled chest
Twist your caramel locks around my fingers
Kiss your lips
Feel your scruff on my cheeks.
You've taken my innocence
due to my
curiosity.
Have you realized that
we're playing a
love game?
Because you're the one
who started
it all.

My heart stops
as he calls us his
Bubble Team
one of his favorites.
We tied to fourth place,
unable to know if we
are going to State
until next Thursday.
We made it to State,
almost-
and probably-
being denied the chance to actually go.
I couldn't be more proud of anyone
on my team.
We're like a puzzle.
We may be different
but we all fit together.
We can do this,
I just hope they give us the chance.

I wasn't worried about you and I walking down the halls together.
I knew it'd never be that way.
I knew there was no chance in hell you and I would ever be a thing.
I'll just go hide away.
I never knew finding someone attractive was a crime.
I can't wait til the end of the year.
I never knew that finding friendship with you was worth the death penalty.

What would your friends say if we were walking down the hall together? They'd laugh their ***** off, and you'd probably tell them you were doing it with me so they'd forgive you for being seen with me.
Don't you ever talk about my friends. As far as being concerned about what's gonna happen when you and I walk down the hallways of school you can forget it because it's never gonna happen. Just bury your head in the sand.



*Thanks T, for making my life in a Breakfast Club scene.

Your stare is empty
as you look through me.
I remember when I said
"And I don't wanna go home right now because I don't wanna miss you tonight."
But now,
I think
Don't speak as I try to leave or I'll fall right back to you.
I want to tell you,
"Please know this isn't your fault."
We both know this isn't good for us.
And we both know what we'll choose.
I see you fading away as each day continues.
We walk along and refuse to make amends.
Because you pull and I push my way back to you.
I see my dreams divided and broken that I wish on over and over, sparkling in the night sky.
Only because you don't want me to see you break.
I tell you
"Don't speak as I try to leave,"
as I turn away
Cause we both know how this ends,
but it was worth it every time.

Nothing is ever out of reach
when you're seventeen,
anything is possible.
Because when you have
to do your dreams on your own
turn to nightmares
that haunt you.
Because this is life we were
taught to live.