you don’t know me
don’t do that

Did everything I could, then I kept going

isn’t it time to move on?
it is
and i have
but moving on
i’ve found better things
that doesn’t mean to hate you, though

i moved on
but that doesn’t mean i let go
of everything
it just makes everything hurt
much less
i’m happy
i’ve moved on
because yeah
it was time to move on
but
i still care about you
and i always will

“why”
i’m angry because i was in love once
and i put everything i had,
every bit of me, out there.
i gave it away.
foolishly.

i didn’t even finish the journey,
the wind shifted and broke my sail,
i was left stranded.

frantically, but cautiously,
i tried to come up with ideas,
ways to fix everything
because i could, i could fix it,
i thought. so i tried,
and i tried,
and-
i tried.

my hands started to hurt but
never mind that, i kept trying
i started to lose some pieces of my ship,
but gods- i kept trying,
i saw hope,
there was so much,
frustrated but still smiling-
gods i’m ANGRY
                   BECAUSE
                       I KEPT TRYING
but at the time i wasn’t,
i loved the view i was scared but never angry at the storms that formed,
there were bigger worries
there was a storm in the distance
i saw it growing so i shifted focus,
for a moment..i stopped trying,
lost more
of my ideas
of myself
of my mind
losing grip of reality, i kept panicking
the storm grew heavier
the black clouds surrounded me
this place used to be so peaceful
i used to just be a sailor traveling the sea

i lost my mind
i lost my heart
i lost my time

i made it to shore,
yes, i made it out alive
but what was the point
the hope wasn’t to survive
the hope was to complete
the journey

a voyager  who hadn’t finished his journey
i couldn’t, the hope was crushed,
in reality the outcome was impossible,
all elements truly were against me,
i felt small
i made it to shore, but with nothing
i had a few things, yes, and while i’m still rebuilding-

i’m angry because i was left with nothing
not even a friend
not even me

i’m  still here
if you still want me love
please know,

aching bone
chilling thrones
sit with me
i’ll be home
warm and loved
taken care of
let’s escape
build a cabin in the woods
with our minds
this time it’s strong
i can feel it
let me be your medicine
it’s a high dose
try not to overdose
into comatose

you’ll be okay
it’s just a sick,
sick day

everytime i’m alone
and my mind runs
and the gears start to turn,
the oil starts to burn

everytime i think about you
any part of you
i want to rip out my insides
my stomach twists up
my mind freezes up
all i think about
is spilling out my guts
i trusted you
i loved you
i hate you for what you did

i bought a piercing kit
bleached my hair twice in one night
i want to change every part of myself
i want to erase that part of my life
i want to forget about you

i tried so hard
and in the end
i just got burned

i’d go back in time
and relive the days
every day
if i knew we’d end so soon
this way

i’m not going anywhere,
as much as i’ll say,
but it’s just you,
i can’t stay away,
i’ll convince myself, too,
i’ll lie to me, to them
i’ll even lie to you
i’ll put up a front as much as i can

but-
that longing feeling to hold you,
those brutal feelings of love,
the feeling of my hand in yours,
that’ll never leave my heart
not for a long time
you’ve got me wrapped around your finger
i knew it from the start
have a good life
don’t let this be goodbye
but simply
i’ll see you soon?

please let me go home
i’m so lost on my own
i cant stay here and wonder
or sit here and ponder
why i’m still here

why
am i
still
here

i’ve got nothing to live for
my hope slipped away
i’m so scared of myself
i don’t know how to survive another day

i grab my only friend
he leaves a lot
his name is hope

you can’t hate someone for loving themselves just because you don’t
you’re insecure
and i am not
not anymore
go ahead, hate
but the love you want
will never reciprocate
get on your knees
and cry
do the shadow work
learn to fly
a bird has to learn when getting thrown
from the trees
otherwise it will die
you will not get carried by the breeze
i’m here because i worked
i’m here because i tried
i love the world with pride
if you love the universe
the universe herself will provide

but i don’t know you yet

Pretty boys are thin
So I'll ignore my growling stomach
Only seeing it as a sign of it working
I'm shrinking

****
im sorry
i didn’t mean to be a ****
i’ll get over it

every time i let someone in
they let me down,
so forgive me
if it takes a minute

i know you love me
i know you care
i didn’t mean for those words
to come out like that

i know you won’t hurt me
it’s just hard
letting you in
what if i hurt you?
you’re delicate

i know you won’t hurt me
i’ve put up walls to prevent that
but what if i’m doing that,
i hurt you?

i don’t mean to
it just takes time
getting used to you

one time i lost my moms trust
for running away
now i’m facing the same pain today
she looked me in the eyes, said,
“i can’t trust you anymore,
you took that away,
it’s gonna take a while”
i sobbed at thought
of losing her trust
because that’s the one thing
i’d **** myself over
the disappointment, the guilt
it’s so overwhelming
i feel like i’m choking and my stomach is eating itself
i have to live with this

i’m supposed to be the one you trust,
the one you love,
and i ****** up.

you’d think i would have learned,
it feels like deja vu,
reimagining child hood memories
that shouldn’t involve you

YOU ARENT ALIVE
ANYMORE
I KILLED YOU
I KILLED YOU
ILL DO IT AGAIN
I KILLED YOU
GO AWAY
YOU ARE NOT MY FRIEND
IM MOVING
IM LEAVING
IM LEAVING YOU BEHIND
I KILLED YOU
BUT YOURE A ROACH
YOU WONT ******* DIE
NO MATTER WHAT
I DO
I TURN THE CORNER,
theres you.
so leave
god please
get out of my life
you’ve traumatized me

i can’t feel anything
i want to burn again
light a cigarette and press it to my skin
kiss my lips
darling, help me feel again

i know the universe is incoherent nonsense, but if the universe could do me a favor and help me find the pieces of myself I've lost on this adventure