hey,
im getting better

give me some kind of proof
that you were real
that we really happened
it feels so long ago
it was
it feels like you’re dead
you’ve died
you’re missing
i often wonder
where the **** did you go
then i remember
you’re gone
you might wonder why i grieved so hard
the last i had spoke to you
there was a chance you’d die
alone
in that dumb ******* car
in that dumb ******* park
alone
i didn’t want that
after the call
it had felt like you had died
that’s why i grieved so hard
seeing you now
feels like i’m seeing a ghost

are you?
give me some kind of proof
that you were real

you made me hate me
cause you hated yourself

im struggling,
silently
honestly, it’s alright
cause i got me
and me is all i need,
i’ll get through it,
eventually

i always do,
i always have,
i know the universe
has my back,
but that doesn’t mean
im not struggling
cause i am,
just silently

but i don’t need help,
as long as i can see
that i got me,
i’ll be alright,
i just gotta believe

keep believing
even while my heart is weak,
and i can’t feel my chest beat,
and there’s a lump in my throat,
and my eyes get heavy,

i’ll make it through
even if im struggling
as long as i keep silent
and don’t forget me

jesus christ
im turning 17 next month
my heart is pounding out of my chest
with the bass of my car’s speakers
pounding
vibrations against my back
my stomach twisting
everything’s moving so fast
good thing i like roller coasters
time to hop on this ride
im ready for this
there’s no going back

i have absolutely
no emotional attachment
to you
lol

baby, you will find someone
the right one, someday
but for now, take this time as a gift

i didn’t deserve
all of the mean things
you said to me

I miss the *** where you kiss whenever you through
Sixty-nine is the only dinner for two
I was wrong, but would you have listened to you?
Uh, you were crazy
I got a heart, but the art of choking's
Only thing girls want when you in that smoke and light

If your seeing this,
*******
i miss you

you told me to bring you along
then i remembered it was only just a song-
listening to it now feels like
peppers in my eyes-
i wish when i saw you
i’d just go ******* blind
forever isn’t a life time but maybe more of a dream—
you left me a mess, when you left,
a mess i had to clean
you were a tornado dashing through
my mind
i’m tired of it this time

i wanna get better, it’s time to get better
i knew it was different,
when you fell i kept cheering
but when i messed up,
you walked away, you shut me out,
all **** day and you gave up
don’t rage at me for shooting yourself
you pulled the trigger, you had the ***
you said you were ******* done

i wanna get better, it’s time to get better
i’m tired of this *******
tornado weather
i’m drunk in the dark
alone, on the ground at a park
how the hell
did we get
a million miles apart

forever isn’t a life time, but more of a dream

Drive by my house and look me in the eyes
tell me that it was worth it
through all the lies, those burnt up ties, swallowed by flies, memories of me caressing your thighs oh i’m done with the lies no i’m done with the lies god i’m done with the lies all those lies all the time!


i knew it was different,
when i kept cheering
but
you walked away
and you closed your eyes

We both shattered stars, we crushed the moons to hearts
my minds racing, i don’t see you here
try listening for your heartbeat but there’s nothing to hear
you said it was gone, for thousands of years so why did i keep trying to find something under the rubble and wasting my time

sitting in the dark
shifting through the stars
wondering where you are,
it was bad from the start
maybe we’re destined to be apart

i told you in another life
forever isn’t a life time,
but more so, only a dream

Nobody can mute me, but I never said nobody can't shoot me

Ain't nobody gon' tie your shoe
Nobody gon' abide by your rule

just breathe
take a hit
****
sleep on it

we both shattered the moons and stars,
i can’t see you anywhere
it was an apocalypse from the start,
i wish i could say i’ll meet you at mars
but the airs too polluted
from us driving our cars,
so maybe instead
in the future i’ll see you at walmart,
maybe at a few bars.

i know we’ll meet again one day
it’s written in the disfigured stars
but somehow despite the distance
you don’t feel that far

And as the sun went down
We ended up on the ground
I heard the train shake the windows
You screamed over the sound
And as we own this night
I put your body to the test with mine
This love was out of control
3, 2, 1, where did it go?

If I were you, I'd put that away
See, you're just wasted and thinking about the past again
Darling, you'll be okay
And he said
"If you were me, you'd do the same
'Cause I can't take anymore
I'll draw the shades and close the door
Everything's not alright and I would rather"

This love was out of control
Tell me, where did it go?

it’s starts with routine
just get out of bed
no not at noon
no not at 11
no not at 10
just get out of bed

it’s starts with routine
go water your garden
fill up the dog bin
stare outside
for 10

it starts with routine
make something to eat
go do your laundry
make your bed
get a little reckless
cut your hair
pick up a pen

it starts with routine
it starts with living the exact same way
over and over again
without leaving your house
for two weeks straight
it’ll be worth it
i keep telling myself it’ll be worth it
it just starts with routine

how the hell did we get so far apart

i hate hearing past memories
from your old peers
of you and your buddies
wronging the ones who
simply wanted love
because you thought it was fun
you all make me sick
knowing what you’ve all done
was hurting them fun?
ridiculous,
you’re a hypocrite
it’s sad
to see you trying to get with a little kid
stay away from him
you, them
y’all are bad people
he deserves better
she deserved better

maybe you were right
we were hardly friends to begin with
i don’t know you
i never did
to think i was dancing with a poser
a fake with a mask
for an entire year

i hope you’re better know
but you’ll never be forgiven
for what you did

If all he does is smile at you—
run,

Doesn't leaving me mean a little less if you left my life
But never loved to begin with?
You never loved to begin with
You never loved me

we were weak
all of us were fragile
that’s why we broke
no strong foundation
only pretend
if killing yourself would have made me happy
i wouldn’t have phoned a friend

cant pretend that i was perfect,
leavin you in fear

see i knew it was different
when you fell and i kept cheering
but when i fell,
you kept walking
you turned around and averted your eyes
but when you fell i helped you up
despite the painful screams i still tried
but when i was hurting
you went inside
you went to hide

i knew we weren’t the same
when a pen dropped and you’d run
but i’d go find the sound
and pick the pen up

you left a mess
and i cleaned up

i’m not on a high horse
i’m simply better
than you, at least
because i learn
because i try
because i’m not afraid of the unknown
and i push away my pride
you’re a pig
i’ll say it, i admit
you’re the worse thing that ever happened to me
but thank you,
cause i learned from it

i can’t explain
i’m on a different plane
i’m not the same

i’m so much better
head strong
no matter the weather
now i don’t care
not maliciously
i simply do not care
for anyone
and it’s nice

coming out of my shell,
smiling and free
my only goal
is to make everyone smile
that’s including me
because now, i’m finally somebody
i always have been
i’ve always deserved to be happy
but when its foggy
it’s kind of hard to see

I thought I was so poetic

I shrug now, but I though I was revolutionary,
so quirky-
Beware the Ides of March,
I had just read Julius Caesar for the first time,
Beware the Ides of March,
that little kid, me, he was so creative,
so caring, so funny,
so
sad
oh, little me was very sad,
only a year apart from now, yet still
little me, I thought I was so different
I thought I would make a change, last year, today
March 5,
I’d warn people beforehand as well but,
honestly, it was a code for “help me,”
I’d say “beware the ides of march” jokingly,
only-
I wasn’t joking I meant it
I said it again, I would say
Beware the Ides of March
keep in mind, wow, what a sad kid
I would say it again,

jokingly.

The first day, March first,
day 1, first day of march
I met realization;
I’d often stop throughout my day, in shock
fear
hesitation
March 2nd,
oh,
this is the month
March 3rd comes fast
I sit
I sit in my room and look around,
this is the week, I thought to myself,
I kept moving
March 4th
I was quiet,
at first,
then remembered, tomorrow
March 5th
I had to be happy I had to be loud,
today was the day after all,
I would be remembered
I would be loved
things would be okay
after today,
like a sacrifice.
I treated life like a sacrifice,
why?

March 5th,
Beware the Ides of March,
Today,
One year

Beware the Ides of March;
today a year ago I wrote my suicide note,
from a year ago to today, i will have been standing here,
alive,
I survived
I didn’t follow through with it,
no, it wasn’t fear that stopped me,
it wasn’t lack of commitment,

Something just didn’t let me go that day
and I looked up
I stood up
I kept going

I didn’t have a single suicidal thought today
A year ago today, I tried to **** myself
but today,
Today I am okay

A lump in my throat
Glueing closed my tear ducts
Don't cry don't cry
You have no valid reason
Oh you're stressed?
**** it up life is stressful

Well, open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and, ****, you're free
And look into your heart and you'll find love, love, love, love

I wanna get better
While my friends were getting high and chasing girls down parkway lines
I was losing my mind 'cause the love,
the love, the love, the love, the love
That I gave wasted on a nice face
In a blaze of fear I put a helmet on a helmet
Counting seconds through the night and got carried away
So now I'm standing on the overpass screaming at the cars,

Hey, I wanna get better!