Why would you call this love, if you knew this wasn't.
If this was not love, please tell me what was it?

She done gave too much,
To a man who didn't love her.

You promised me,
that you wouldn't leave me.
you did.
And That's when you killed me.

If you ever felt alone, comment yes.
Because I know this feeling isn't easy, but we'll be okay. I promise to you all, that it will get easy.

So much anger
I hate him
I love him
I don't need him
But I want him
He doesn't care
I'm selfish
Hard headed
We're so much alike
We bump heads
We fight
We make love
He's mine
I'm his
We love
Feelings can't compare to him
It's like a roller coaster
We're the only ones on the ride
We stare at the sky
This love is so high
This angry, in between
Us..
When we are not together
Tells us more
Then just a simple hint
The feeling on your lips, kissing down my hips
The way your hands feel,
Exploring.
Upset without you
Smiling with you
This love is a crazy one
We both say
As we kiss each other
Goodnight ..
Because that's the only way
We can fall asleep ..
You hold me close
Squeeze me tight
I get upset
I don't like to be squeezed
You laugh
I laugh back
You smile at me
I smile back
You stare at me
So blankly
But so in love
I say what
You say nothing
That you just love me
I say it back
You kiss me
I kiss you back
And those angry feelings
Go away.
Because with you
Is when I'm the happiest.

Haven't been writing much lately. I guess I don't have much to say, or maybe I can't put these feelings into words? Whatever it is, I know it's going to get worst. Like how he wished you used me, in ways I wish to not say. Or that time I thought god was calling my name, reaching him for help, but instead he didn't care and let me choose the wrong way. The day I was gettig ready to go to class, until I heard my phone ringing, it was you. I hesitated, should I read those texts, Should I do this to myself? I did anyways. Every word I read felt like a knife going through me. I was patient, I was calm, but that knife kept going through me. Text messages to my friend, she's like a sister too me. telling her **** baby girl I'm about to do it.  This depression because of him, is no joke, I'm about to lose it. Give me minutes girl I'll be right there. As I held the pills in my hands, reading all these back and forth accusations of somebody who claimed they loved me, treating me so bad, because I left him lonely not knowing the lonely one who was hurting was me, because they were too blind to see the depression inside of me, growing. My body starts shaking, the bottle is whom I went too, sitting on the floor two feet away from my feet, one pill on the ground, the rest, resting on my clinch tight hands, as I try so hard to overcome this feeling called suicide. To whom I fell in love with, broke me down deep inside. I didn't want to be alive. The Messages in my eyes, couldn't believe what I was reading, felt like he was teasing. When he was done, he would always say he was sorry. I gave him the glory.. Of disrespecting me, when I gave him my world to explore in. And we're not talking planes, cross country, exploring.. How could someone do such harm, take you for granted, tell you there sorry, and repeat the **** story? Finding your weakness, and use it to break you down. Questioning god like why me, lord why me? All you ever wanted was to feel loved, because God gave you this big heart, and you share it but get nothing in return. If it wasn't for my best friend, lord knows I wouldn't make it.. Disappointed in myself, as you should be disappointed of me. To see me get so weak, cause of a man who didn't know how to love me. I'm sorry..

We lost an angel on that day. I remember text messages about missed periods, and sick stomach. I remember the fear in our faces, as being told did you take it? Did you do it? Not feeling well, but I made sure there was no such thing as being alone in the fear of being pregnant. The next day came, it said no. Being asked again, again "no".
Sign of relief, but it didn't seem right.
No words being said, it was never spoken about again.
Few weeks pass by,
"I'm having a miscarriage, it happened lastnight".
Tears running down ones face,
"Stay strong baby, it will be alright"
"You're not alone, I promise it will be alright"
You gain some weight, you see it in your face.
Smiles in ones face, because at the end of the day,
God knew why this took place.
We will never understand why,
We have said our last goodbyes
To the beauty that would of been,
To the angel that we carried inside.
May god be with you little angel of mine.
As we remember and love you forever,
Until then, we'll meet another time.

Love is such a mystery. This feeling is so uneasy. .

She has dream of being a VS, so She's starving, you know, cover girl eats nothing.
She says.
Beauty is pain, and there's beauty in everything.
What's a little bit of hunger?
I could go a little while longer.
She fades away. .
She don't see,
Her perfect.
She don't understand,
She's worth it.
Oh that beauty goes deeper than the surface.
So to all the girls that's hurting, let me be your mirror.
Help you see a little bit clearer, The light that shines within.
there are no scars to your beautiful☁️

Tell me why the **** should I give a **** about the man who broke my heart?

As if I shouldn't be broken, and falling apart!

What if she tells you that she isn’t happy?
That every night she cries in silence,
Because of you?
What if she tells you that she wishes she was dead,
Maybe the feeling of feeling alone, will walk away.
She seems okay,
That’s what everyone says.
You don’t even notice the pain she’s dealing with,
Inside.
You look at her, and see right through her.
Never taking the time to treasure her.
Another man loves her.
hes willing to do the things,
You arent doing.

I knew what it was when i found out,
I just didn’t want to listen.
You laying in her bed, every night,
I knew you was kissing.
Smelled her perfume on your shirt,
Your guilt on your lips,
When you kiss me goodbye,
Knowing you’re returning to her every night.
And i knew.
I just never wanted to believe it was trust,
That this was coming from you..

Fighting her insecurities,
So she could feel beautiful,
Once again.
She doesn't know that she's perfect,
She thinks she's not worth it.
But she's perfect,
In my eyes she's perfect,
She doesn't know it,
Because I don't say it.
Maybe if i tell her,
She wouldn't feel so weak,
Or try to be like them. .'

I believe God gave us the struggles we go through for a reason.
Even if it doesn't make sense now,
It might make sense in the future.
Never question his reason as to why you are suffering.
Because God has a great plan for you.
It's just too soon to see it.

She doesn't trust herself in a room
All alone.
As she picks up the object in her hand,
And let's it go,
To stop the pain,
Let it drip away.
Red tears falling on to the floor.
She's said sorry about a thousands times,
But she still continues,
Red tears dripping,
From her battles scars,
She had mark upon her own.
She is sorry.

I haven't smiled like this,
In so long,
Maybe weeks,
I can feel the love,
The happiness,
No sign of weak.
No pain inside of me.
I finally know the true meaning of
gods does listens.

I cry myself to sleep every night,
Because lord knows I’m breaking inside.

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Because talking in person is so hard for me, being in front of the only person who makes me feel so proud of ME. So when I speak I rather cry, try to hide the thoughts I hold inside, as he fills with rage and red starts to fill his eyes with anger, I try so hard, I cannot lie, but the words won't leave from the tip of my weak tongue from which I have spoken the words I love you from.

I won't always be your cup of tea.
You're favorite kind of drink.
I won't always be your apple on the tree.
I'll have my days,
Jus like no other.
When the tiger roar comes out,
When I can't stand no other.
When I don't want to give a ****,
When I feel much smaller.
I won't always be your cup of tea,
Nor A shot of Hennessy.
I'm a mixture of hot species, with a little bit of sweets.

everyday i think to myself is life even worth it?
or should i just pull it..

Feeling like I’m giving too much to a man who no longer loves me.
Do i stay?
Or should i do him the favor and walk away?

Give me one reason as to why,
You wanted this type of guy.
Why you laid in his bed that night,
Because it felt right?
Do you even know what that feels like?
He wanted nothing,
But a girl he can call late night,
You let him abuse you.
You let him and his army,
Go through you.
Give me one reason as to why,
You wanted this type of guy.
Did you even know him?
You felt alone,
So you went for it.
Not knowing the nightmare that it would become.
Laying, in a bed,
Being pushed down,
Slammed,
As if you are a piece of meat.
Crying out for help,
Calling the name of the only man who knew your childhood,
Knowing he is no longer here to save you.
Close your eyes,
It'll go by fast.
Words being repeated in your mind,
As you felt the strong *******,
Against them thighs,
Accusing yourself for this mistake.
And when they was done,
They left you stranded,
Clothes abandoned,
Blood on the bed sittings,
Finding strength to gather yourself,
Never once spoken,
Never once told.
Every man who comes near you,
You feel fear,
Scared of what they did to you,
This man will do the same too..

Feeling like you don't belong,
Lately it's been so hectic.
Wanting nothing but some affection,
But lately it's been so busy.
You have priorities,
Promises you made.
But you're tired,
You need a hug.
You're body is dying,
You feel is suffering.
You're becoming ill,
The food you have consumed,
Went down the drains.
Can I just go?
Take the next train?
You desperately need a break.
And you miss him.
And you're fighting,
No clue on his end,
But you're fighting.
To stay healthy,
You are fighting.
Promise to never let go.

I keep telling myself, that you'd change your mind tomorrow. So I'd be drinking to get rid of all of my sorrows, get lit, take my mind off ****. So this pill, I will swallow. I got to let my mind go.

Emotions flooding.
I feel the body tension rising,
As I do these exercises,
To calm the heart down,
From beating out of my chest.
As the tears roll down my face,
With no reason as to why,
I find it harder to control myself.
Removing myself,
Before things get worst.
Tonight will be a handful,
I shall sleep,
Befofe this angry becomes a curse.

Anger is your enemy.
You become into something others don't wish to see.
From yelling to screaming to bad attitude,
To taking it out on the most important person you care for.

It takes control of your body, until it becomes you.
Another you, a mask,
To show the disaster going through your mind,
From all the bombs hitting you at once.
Anger is controlling.
It's the enemy.

Ever met someone who made you feel alive again?
Made you smile again?
And by smile, I really mean.
That real smile.
Every felt like someone loves you for you?

Ever been so angry and not know why?
To the point where you pushed everyone aside?

I've been through more than you think. Don't mistake that with what you see, when you look at me.. My eyes tell more than the smiles in my laugh. I'm hurting deep down, I'm just wearing this mask..

They always said your first will be the hardest, and boy weren't they lying. The feeling of opening up to someone, letting them see you as a whole. Seeing you with no clothes on, cuddling, becoming one. Giving that person your all, more than just making love, but deeper than love. As the feelings spill out with each kiss, and each touch, you feel the pain, as his fingertips touch and hold your hips. Because he isn't the one. You feel the pain, as those kisses get to your heart, and your eyes start to water. There's no such thing as your mind knowing what's best, because your heart knows more than the rest. But this man is your first, so hard to walk away. But why? Lord why? Why is this feeling so invading? He looks at you, and smile, knowing this smile is so untrue, nothing but a piece of your beauty, that's all that it took, to make him say I love you, until he got what he looked. He changed his ways, it became more distance, you tried to fix it. Not realizing that you are only hurting yourself, you denied it. Wanted to make it work, so those feelings inside, you fought them, why? Was it really that worth it? Was it really because you loved him? Or was it because you was too scared to walk away, because you felt like as if it would hurt him? Did he care? Only when he smashed though..
Was he there? Only when he smashed though..
Did he make you cry? Yeah.
Did he care? No.
So why were you there? I don't know..
Were you happy? Could I have been?
No..
Was this just ***?
Was this just his way of getting what he wanted so no other can have it?
Selfish.
They say your first is hard to walk away from,
But when walking away makes you stronger
You start regretting the moment, you let that boy in.

Enough said..

You can say she's use to the blade,
As its scraping off her flesh,
She feels pleasure,
As the floor gets wetter,
With the ache-ness of her body.

Saved memories,
Like the last text being sent.
As if it were yesterday,
When I felt my heart drenched.
Falling to the grown,
As the words "friends" came about like a song you hate on replay.
As if everything about that night,
You forgot it.
But rather remember,
You trembled,
As you try to go up the brick steps,
That seem so hard to overcome,
Because you didn't want to let go,
But rather let go,
You let yourself go.
As the blades slit the parts,
That are unknown and hidden,
So that they'll never be seen,
Rather than slow,
You cut deep and fast,
So the pain can last,
Just a little while longer,
As the words friends keep coming into play,
Like a song you hate on replay.

he took the man i loved,
without knowing i am growing another person inside of me,
how dare he pulled the trigger,
hit the man i love.
rip my insides,
gave me nothing,
and took the life inside of me.
gone.

Going through this sudden tragic alone,
Losing my rose petals,
Lord my stomach hurts.
No one to run too,
Nobody seems to care.
Why am I really here.
All I do is tear.
I no longer want to be here,
I feel it.
The end for me is near.

woke up today,
Thanking God that I'm alive today.
Thanking god he's okay today.
Thanking God that were alright today.
I woke up today,
Feeling blessed to see his face,
Hear his voice,
Hold his hands,
Kiss his lips,
Because he's still mine today.

have you ever laid in bed and felt something was missing?
like a warm arm wrapped around you at night to get through it?
or someone kissing your forehead at night, before you sleep,
so you can feel safe at night?
have you ever felt like you are not receiving enough,
than what you are giving?
have you ever been called beautiful,
when you needed to hear those words, even if you don't believe it?

Don't give up on us,
I just want you to hear this
Don't give up on us
I love you til your last breath
Til your last breath.
Til forever and ever
I won't stop loving you ever
I won't give up on you ever.
Please just hear this
Sometimes you got to walk to through the darkness to get to the light
Sometimes you got to get through the wrong **** to get to the right
No matter how hard life gets,
You still have to fight.

Fight for me.


And if love is real than love can heal
And on the real I would die for you

I know you hear this

Lord said that I'll be okay.. Should I trust him? Or should I give myself away?

her smile so sweet,
like the sun rising by the beach.

Last time I gave someone my all,
They hurt me.
I left the one that didn't deserve me,
And now he's realizing,
That he failed to love me.
But I found someone new,
And he's far more lovely.
My hunny.

might be asking for too much,
Attention?
Sweet talks?
How about an unexpected phone call?
Late night texts, to wake up and smile?
The feeling of being wanted is a girls best feeling.
Finding ways to feel good about herself.
I suppose.

And if you must go, just know.
I gave you my whole world..

What if I told you I was ill?
What if this pain I am complaining about is more than just pain.
But rather cancer..
What if I kept it a secret ?
What if I had a few months left,
What if there was no more of me,
In me,
Wanting to rest,
But what if I rest and never wake up ever again?

I don't want to lie to you no more,
I'm sick.
I have a few months to live.
Maybe less.
I feel it in my chest,
My pain,
My battles.
Arguing makes the pain stronger,
And don't hate me when I say,
I do it for I can die faster.
Y'all don't know the truth.
See my smiles,
But it's for them,
Not for me.
I don't want to be here,
God taking me slowly,
there just too blind to see it.

I laid on his chest,
That was rotten with poison,
That filled up his veins.
As I listened to his heartbeat,
I was feeling so ashamed.
Here I am,
Falling in love again.
This time I knew the games,
That he played,
Yet I told myself just stay.
And there I laid.
Filling my body with poison.
He caused more pain,
What might be growing inside of me,
My screams tried to tell him.
Why I wanted to stay.
But yet he let me rot,
Self destruct,
You little mutt.
Oh how much I hate you,
But this living thing inside of me,
Won't let me replace you,
As I laid one more finale time,
What was once my favorite spot too be,
Let your venom **** me.
Your child growing inside of
Me..

Is being too much to upsetting?
Is being too much to handle not good?
Is it okay?

Insecurities will **** and is going to **** me.

Emotions flooding in me,
As the tears roll down my face.
As the person I care for,
Is having thoughts of harming themselves.
Being unaware,
Feeling helpless.
Feeling as if you're not trust worthy enough.
To have them open to me,
In time of need.
Scared to tell me;
That there having thoughts of suicide.
Thoughts of losing me?
But what about ME?

What about ME!

Wake up one day, and you're not there.
What the ****,
******!
What about me!

To scared to open up to me,
I admit.
Me speaking about my thoughts.
I would never.

"I'm fine".
Shut up.
Those words are a way of hiding one trues emotion.

If you was okay, would there be thoughts of suicide?
Telling me you're fine. Partially faking that you're happy.
So when i fall asleep,
Thoughts enter.
4 in the morning and you're lonely.
You took that belt,
As if it's the answer to your nightmares.
You took that blade.
As if it's the answers to your suicide dreams.
Afraid of telling me because you were to afraid of losing me.
But what about ME?
******.
What about ME!

Not knowing everything isn't alright.
You telling me it's just a dream,
As if you didn't try killing yourself last night.
What about me..

Me.

What if . I ..
Send you a text, and I got no response?
What if that suicide attempt passed and your soul wasn't alive?

Anger building up in me.
You telling me, that you're hanging up.
That you're sorry.
I hate sorries.
Stop telling me that you're sorry
I'm not forgiving,
I'm not forgetting.

I'm a little tore up inside.
What can you do to help a person, who's afraid of losing you, when you're afraid of losing them The most?

What if it was "I" who attempted those suicide attempts.
Told tou nothing.
You woke up to no reply back to ones text,
Messages bein sent to you.
Telling you,
That I tried to **** myself last night, and it went through.
How would you feel?
****** how would YOU FEEL?

Last phone call of the night.
Because I do not feel right.
I feel so angry.
Why couldn't he have told me?

What about me.
******..
What about ME?
I could of lost you physically.

Baby..
What about me.

Us.

Tonight I write my wrongs.
Let someone who didn't love me,
Destroy me mentally and emotionally.
I ran to another that one night,
I needed love.
I needed to feel like everything was okay.
Like somebody cared for me.
That night I laid there in silence,
What's done is done.
Going to ****** for pleasure,
Trying to find something that was close to feeling like what I felt for you.
You.
You destroyed me into pieces,
And I ask myself why can't I forget you.
When you no longer need me,
Lord this man doesn't even love me.
Lord why Did i make this mistake,
Lord why are you punishing me.
I'm vulnerable,
And he knows how to speak,
When I am feeling weak,
The only man I've ever went too,
Because his love went through me like quick sand.
Lord my petals that were grewing in me,
are dying
Because I forgot to love it,
Lord my body is changing because of it.
Lord I slept with this man,
Whom I know isn't the man I want to be with,
But rather feel as if he loves me,
Knowing he only loves me
When his devils horns reach in me.
Lord why are you guiding me into the direction that I know will make me suffer.
God why aren't you showing the signs that I need,
For me to move forward.
Lord why are you letting me pretend as if I am strong,
When you know I am weak.
God hear me.
Lord please **** me.