I'm not the kind of girl
who writes love poems
and I'm far from romantic
my two moods fall between
depressed and manic
I'm not charismatic
I'm far too sarcastic
and just from one ****
I can snap like elastic.

But no one has ever
been strong enough to
pull apart the barriers
that cover my heart
quite like you do,
and I know you
hate your smile
but my god
I have never seen
a face light up so much
with just the movement
of a muscle.
Tousled hair
of black and blonde
I am so fond of the way
you say my name
like it isn't something to
be ashamed of.
Like somehow,
I'm more than the sum
of my parts.
Like somehow,
I'm not just a canvas
but art.

I'm not the kind of girl
who writes love poems
but there's something about
your eyes of blue
and the way you flew
into my life
like a falling star,
slowly
then crashing
all at once
finding its way into the
dark crevice of my heart
that was nearly torn apart
but you picked up the pieces
and bandaged me together again.

And this might sound zany
but even just one night alone
makes me miss you like crazy
because when I'm with you
my mind goes all hazy
and I'm convinced
in that moment
that everything will be okay
because you are not just
a boy to me
you lessen my depression
you calm my anxiety
I'd throw away my variety
of pills just to be in your
arms forever
Elavil, Cipralex, Zoloft
are just names
and they hold nothing to you
because you are my
perfect dose of serotonin.

You said,
"I like you more than poetry"
but my words are broken vocal chords
that never should be spoken
yet when I'm with you,
the poet is awoken.
Ballads and rhymes
will fill my mind
but no matter how hard I try,
nothing I write
is worthy of you.
The most beautiful
man I know,
the most beautiful
man I ever knew.

And I say,
cut off the strings,
you marionette.
Free yourself from the
binding chains
that control your every move,
fly. Sing me a song,
you gorgeous violin.
Tear away the
thoughts from your mind
that are constantly
telling you that
you are not good enough
because my darling,
you will always be
good enough for me.

You said,
"I like you more than poetry"
and I'm not the kind of girl
who writes love poems
but I will say that poetry
is nothing without the poet.
And my god,
I ******* love the poet.

This isn't poetic.



I just don't want to be here anymore

Friendship is wings
Unstrung and uncaged to fly
Even when it's dark

~


If I call you beautiful…

Do flowers bloom within your worried eyes
surrounding you with color, with thoughts
Looking past the mirror to that place you have been,
that you long to be again

Do you bite your lip,
looking within, seeking past the darkness,
subconsciously smoothing the ruffles of you dress,
shuffling your feet a bit

Do memories flood your mind
of days before lipstick and eye shadow,
when cute was as common as wrinkled nose smiles,
playing inside or out were your choices

Do you roll your eyes and sigh,
describing a portrait that only you can see,
a mirage of impressions you have collected,
stored away in that file you reach for regularly

Do you brand me blind or crazy at least,
point to that one tiny blemish you know,
turn and walk away kicking dust as you go,
shutting the door in disbelief

Or do you see your reflection in my eyes
the woman that you are to me,
hear the affection in my voice, the truth
and wrinkle your nose once more and say, “I love you”

I see your face
Reflected in every mirror
I pass
And my heart breaks
Like
Shards of glass
I can still taste your smile
The feel of you
Under my hands
And I know I can't wait
To come back

It all comes down to loneliness
constant loneliness
when no one ever understands
how I feel
or
what's going on
and God I'm so scared
it's like my lungs might explode
from the screams that threaten to
escape from my mouth
but are too afraid to jump
and all anyone ever hears is
silence
long periods of
excruciatingly painful
silence
but there are no words
to describe the horror story
I have created in my mind
it is gruesome
it is senseless
there will be no happy ending this time
I am sorry
but I tried and tried
until I couldn't try anymore
and even then I wonder if I ever even tried at all
happy is just not in the books for me
it never was
so
goodbye happy
I know you won't be knocking on my door
anytime soon
instead I welcome sadness
full blown sadness
there is no cure
for this insanity
there is no bandage
big enough
to cover the scars
and put myself
back together again
I am torn
breaking
falling apart at the seams
and it seems to me that
no one even notices
God why can't you notice
is it because I stopped praying
is it because I stopped believing
is it because I am the
filthy
rotting
ugly creature that I am
oh
I am sorry
I am sorry
I am sorry
please just be there for my friends is all I ask
please keep my family safe is all I ask
tell them that I love them
tell them that I care
tell them that I'm sorry
oh God I am sorry
please don't look at me that way
I have too much hate in my heart
and no matter what I do
it never goes away
it never goes away
I am not the human I thought I was
I am not the person you thought you created
mom and dad
I am not like my sister
or the good people
you see outside
I am not normal
I am different
trust me
I know what I am
I see it
every day
I have never seen God
but I have seen the Devil
trust me
I have seen the Devil
it is me

Let the pen be your blade,

                                and the ink be your blood

      pouring down on a sentence,

              soaking up a blank piece of paper.