You're a ******* *****
You're fat
Your smile is disgusting
You make my life a living hell
You're boring
You're too emotional
You were a mistake
My friends were right, you are a *****
You're family is ****** up
You're nonexistent to me
You're mental
Go cut yourself
I never loved you
Your face makes me want to puke
Drop dead
Go **** yourself
Every inch of you is disgusting
Go away
You are one ****** up ****

The last man who claimed to love me at one time said all of those hurtful things to me
Ask me again why I am single
Ask me again why I am so closed off
Ask me again why I am terrified of love

We did it
We finally tied the knot
After months of stress from planning
we got the wedding we always wanted
I walked down the isle
you stood there watching me with wonder
As we said our vows while staring into each others eyes
I knew I would look into those eyes forever
We finally kissed as we went from two people to one person
We became one heart
as our kiss sent off sparks of passion
I held your hand so tightly
to make sure that this was real
We are now husband and wife
words could not express the joy I was feeling in that moment
As we had our first dance
it became clear to me
You are the one
God has chosen for me
As our song played beautifully
we sang along quietly together
I am so happy to share this journey with you
that tells the story of us forever


This poem is dedicated to Jeremy and Heather Okon
Congratulations on your special day
I love you

You ever come across a picture on social media of a woman who is so beautiful that just the sight of her makes you physically sick because you know that no matter what you do to yourself you will never, in this lifetime, be as beautiful as her?

Then you just sit and think of everything wrong with you until you are in such a depressed mood you can't even look at yourself in the mirror because you are so disgusted with what you see.

Then you feel bad because you're thinking "this is wrong. This girl can't help that she's beautiful so why do I feel like I need to ***** when I see her picture?"

Then you start to get mad at yourself because you are being so selfish because you should feel beautiful in your own skin but because of some unrealistic expectation that you put on yourself you can't help but beat yourself up.

So now you have all of these thoughts going on at once and eventually you get so overwhelmed that anxiety takes over and now you feel like you are going to have a heart attack, all because of a beautiful stranger that not only doesn't even know you exist, but is probably photoshopped to the max because for all you know she may feel the same way you do.

So now you feel stupid, ashamed, embarrassed and your day is now ****** and the sun hasn't even risen yet.

Am I the only one that goes through this?

I find it really offensive when people tell me they worry about me because I don't have a man in my life
"Don't you get lonely?"
"Don't you want to meet your Prince Charming?"
"Don't you want to be happy?"
"Don't you want someone to share your life with?"
"You better get out there because you won't be young forever."
"You NEED a man."
Let me take a moment to answer those questions

Yes I get lonely
That is why God gave us friends so we have someone to call when we get lonely

No I don't want to meet my Prince Charming
I am my own Prince Charming
I am strong enough to handle my own problems
I don't need a man cleaning up my messes

Who said I wasn't happy?
I have a family that grows everyday leaving me with that much more people to love
I have friends who encourage me to be my goofy self which makes me confident to be myself
I have my poetry, I have music, I have other things that bring my heart joy
I don't have time to be unhappy
There is more to life than men

Yes I would like someone to share my life with but I'm not rushing things
Love is not something that you can rush
It happens in it's own time
I've been around long enough to know that things always work out the way they should
I have no time to have anxiety about something that I cannot control

My age does not determine my future relationship status
People can fall in love at any age
Don't try to use age as a way to scare me into something I am not ready for

I do not NEED a man
I will be with someone because I want to be
NEED makes you desperate
WANT means you know what you are getting yourself into
Even the most healthy relationships end sometimes
If you NEED a man to feel good about yourself
you still have insecurity issues that need to be dealt with
How can you love someone else if you can't love yourself?
You can't

The worlds outlook on love is beyond messed up
Love is more than meeting someone, marrying them and so on
It's about letting someone into your heart and allowing them to love the parts of you that you thought could never be loved
Love is about putting someone else ahead of yourself
Love is about encouragement, acceptance, happiness and growth
Not ***, fighting, divorce and being forced into something you don't want to do
Love is finding someone you collide with perfectly and still finding happiness in each other even when the rest of the world is doing all it can to see you miserable

Life is full of possibilities
Let me live my life
Let me enjoy my happiness the way it is
Stop trying to change my personal happiness

Whenever I feel insecure
you kiss my body from head to toe
Whenever I am sad
you sit with me on our cold kitchen floor
Whenever I am angry
you do your thing and give me space
Whenever I am unsure of myself
you read to me a poem I had once written forever ago
Whenever I am tired
your chest becomes my pillow
Whenever I am sick
our home becomes a Winter wonderland
Whenever I need inspiration
you drop everything and take me out of town
Whenever I am missing someone who has passed on
you listen as I tell endless stories about them
You always open the car door for me
I always wake up to the smell of fresh brewed coffee
Sticky notes with messages are found in random places
and the freezer is always filled with my favorite ice cream
Every "see you later" ends with a kiss
every shower contains an hour of you yelling "YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL"
from outside the bathroom door
Every evening is a cuddle session with Bruce Springsteen and wine
When I write you watch me in admiration
When I laugh you light up like a Christmas tree
When I embarrass myself in public
you do a fake fall so people laugh at you instead of me
Whenever I am upset and need to vent
you give me your undivided attention
and even when we fight you never end the night
without saying those three special words

I used to starve myself for him
I would go days without eating because
I wanted to look like the posters of women in their underwear
he had hanging in his bedroom
I would make excuses as to why I could never
go eat with him at a restaurant
I didn't want him or the world to see me as a pig
I would make myself sick trying to look good for him
My hair wasn't thick anymore
His mom used to make comments about my face sinking in
I had to wear more makeup to cover up the dark circles
that began to form under my eyes
I made sure my arms never jiggled
I didn't care that my hands hurt all of the time
I was able to go without wearing a bra because
my ***** were disappearing
I could see my hip bones perfectly
My thigh gap made me smile
Exercising became addicting and
anything involving weight loss was all that I spent money on
*** was great
I never worried about hurting him while being on top
because I was small
Pregnancy wan't a concern because lack of eating
took away my menstrual cycle
I never felt pretty unless I got his approval
I did everything I could to look good for him
To be good enough for him
Two years of this insane unhealthy roller coaster
only to be cheated on and broken up with before my favorite holiday
I starved myself for him
and still that wasn't good enough

I realized that I love him one random night

We were lying in his bed
my arm wrapped around him
as his hand held mine tightly
I could hear him breathing
I was almost asleep
when the words came out of my mouth in a whisper
"I love you Christopher"
I felt my heart pace
I was sure I was about to have an anxiety attack
until I whispered the words again
"I love you Christopher"
All of the fears that once prevented me
from living the life I wanted suddenly disappeared
All of my insecurities were now burning
in a pit of fire
All of my anxiety melted away
The walls I had built around myself fell down
The chains I wore around my emotional state of mine
just broke free
I began to breathe in air that was just new to me
It was shocking
but exhilarating all at once
I asked myself "Is this real?
Am I really feeling this way?
Do I really love this man?"

I do love him
It sounds so cliche but it's true
Looking at him is like watching a beautiful sunset
at the end of a Summer day
Kissing him is like watching fireworks
on New Years Eve
Holding his hand is like that first sip of coffee in the morning
Hearing him laugh is like running through an endless field of roses
It's beautiful
He is beautiful
The way he makes me feel is so intense
I am convinced it might **** me
Yet I want to feel
I want to feel everything this man causes me to feel
I want to embrace every emotion
I want to soak it all in
I want to breathe it
Sing it
Live it
Allow it to change my life
and brighten up my world
He has renewed my belief in love
he has taught me that I am worthy of love
he has me seeing things from a different perspective

Christopher I love you
I know it may be too soon to hear those words
I would freak out if you spoke those words back to me
but I do love you
I have loved you for a long while
I was too frightened to let myself it

It has been six years since I have seen you
you are still perfection in my eyes
Running into you at the local grocery store
was such a sweet surprise
I came home for Christmas to see my family
they told me you had moved to Chicago
When I went to the deli section to get some ham
never in a million years did I think I would run into you
You looked at me with shock in your eyes
as if you had just seen a ghost
I knew what you were thinking though
I'm the girl that you used to know
I was the girl you fell in love with in high school
only to break your heart into pieces
When you told me your feelings that summer night in the rain
I told you to get over it
Then I went away
I didn't even say a word
I packed my stuff in the middle of the night
and left like the coward I was
I went to California to make something of myself
I didn't want a man to hold me down
I didn't want a ring on my finger or a baby on my hip
I wanted nothing but my freedom
Seeing you in that grocery story
with your soft eyes still in pain
I couldn't help but be consumed with guilt
as I thought of the biggest mistake I ever made
My mistake wasn't loving you
you were the best thing that ever happened to me
My mistake was hurting you
and walking away like we didn't mean anything

Never stop falling in loves with books
you have read over a million times
Never stop believing in love
even if you are given 1,000 reasons to stop believing in it
Never stop appreciating your family
they may forget to tell you but they truly do love you to the moon and back
Never stop seeing the beauty in everything
because when you do you open doors to negative things that will always leave you sad
Never stop loving those who mean the most to you
for love is the very thing keeping you alive
Never stop being yourself
you may not realize it but people respect you for always being you
Never stop cherishing the moment
you don't want to die missing out on something magical
Never stop speaking out about your depression
continue to show depression who is in control
Never stop making friends
for there are people out there who need a shoulder to cry on
Never stop listening to your heart
no matter how painful your journey is your heart will always guide you to the right place in the end
Never stop being honest
for honesty is rare so be proud to have the courage to speak the truth
Never stop facing your fears and
Never, Ever give up on your dream
for your dream is how you will be remembered when you die

My God it drives me crazy
that you don't know how amazing you are
It breaks my heart when you look into the mirror
and all you see are flaws
But I, your girlfriend see radiance
pouring out of every pore of your body
You complain about all of the things that I love about you
It frustrates me that you are so blind
to the very things that make you absolutely wonderful
Sometimes I just look at you and think "wow
he chose me, he is my other half
and he is perfect, so so so perfect"
You're a work of art I can admire all day long
You're a song that dances through my nervous system
and causes me to shiver in excitement
You're the high a person gets
when they smoke their first cigarette in the morning
Your eyes shine like fireflies
that glow in the dark at the end of a summer day
Your presence is enough to scare
all of my demons away
You're the firework that bursts inside of me
every time we make love
You're my lucky charm
Life with you is like reading a book that never ends
Each chapter gets better
Each minute with you is a blessing
Each day I love nothing more
than to tell you how much you mean to me
Hopefully, one day when you look into your mirror
you will see exactly what I am talking about

I think it's stupid
when other's cry for attention
I think it's stupid
when others think they can stop you from reaching your dreams
I think it's stupid
when you pretend to be something your not
I think it's stupid
to smile when you really want to cry
I think it's stupid
to let fear control your life
I think it's stupid to give up on love
because your heart is constantly getting broken
I think it's stupid to spend $1,000 on a pair of shoes
I think it's stupid
to dress like a **** just to impress a guy
I think it's stupid
to be friends with someone who treats you like ****
I think it's stupid
to live a misreable life
I think giving up is stupid
I think holding onto false hope is stupid
being a ***** to everyone you know to protect yourself from ever being hurt
I don't think that's smart
I think that's extremely stupid.

Let's pour ourselves a glass of wine
and make a toast to the craziest people we know
The ones who hear constant voices
yet continue on with their lives as if everything is normal
Let's toast the ones with multiple personalities
as society labels them as dangerous
Let's raise a glass to the ones with PTSD
may they stop reliving their awful pasts
Here's to the ones with scars on their arms
from trying to free themselves from emotional pain
To the ones with eating disorders
may you stop putting so much pressure on yourselves to be pretty
To the ones who can't leave the house
without feeling a tightness in your chests
May you find the strength to make anxiety your *****
so you can put your personal chaos to rest
Here's a toast to the ones who never give up
despite the struggles you face everyday
Even though people call you names and shame you
you always find reasons to smile even for just a little while
May you always remain strong
and be a light for those who are just stepping into your shoes
To those of who are currently in recovery
may I say I am so ******* proud of you for making it this far
CHEERS!!!

You want to know what I think about when I lie in bed at night?
I think about that nasty break up in 2013
How I was so scared to be alone
because I thought I needed a man to feel whole
How I pushed everyone away
because I was angry at the world for being happy
while I was in a million pieces
How I stopped listening to my favorite band
because every song they wrote just reminded me of memories
I couldn't let go of
How I became a *****
because I did the one thing I promised I would never do

I became bitter
I became unrecognizable
I lost myself in my anger and the jealousy of my cousins hands
touching the body I had seen naked everyday for the last two years
I neglected my poetry because I gave up on feeling
I didn't want to be sad
I didn't want to start over
I didn't want to pick myself up because it hurt too much
I spent days doped up on sleeping pills
I went days without showering
I went days without eating because I didn't care about anything anymore
I was depressed
I became heartless
I became mean
I became selfish
All because of a man
who clearly didn't give a **** about me
I spent months blaming myself
as if it was my fault we were over
I wasn't the one who cheated
I wasn't the one who lied
I wasn't the one who got an STD after ******* the biggest ***** in town
I wasn't the one who almost knocked up my best friends girlfriend
I may have had my share of problems
but none big enough to ruin a relationship

The day I woke up from my bitterness
was the day I realized that through all of the ******* I was feeling
I did not once turn to my past addiction for help
In the past cutting would have been my escape
For the first time in my life
I went through something traumatic
without turning to a razor for support
I started asking myself "what the hell is wrong with you?
Letting a man have all of this emotional control over you
He is just like a razor without the ****** mess."
I became disgusted with myself
I started feeling guilty for hurting all of the people I loved
while I spent months being angry
I hit rock bottom
I was as low as a person could get
and I let myself get that way
In that moment I knew that the only way out of my rut
was to face the things I was hiding from
To deal with the aftermath of the worst break up
I had ever gone through
Only I could get through what was to come
Only I could make the choice to change

As I lie here two years later
thinking of that mess
I can't help but feel blessed
I am so thankful for hitting rock bottom
It forced me to grow up
It forced me to clean up my social life
It forced me to reconnect with myself
It forced me to change my life
It helped me fall in love with writing again
I am more in love with writing now
than I have ever been in my life
What I thought was the worst thing that could have ever happened to me
was in fact the best thing that ever happened to me

I hate seeing you so sad
Whenever I see you cry
I just want to hold you
until there is no more tears left inside of you
I want to take your heart
Stitch it back together
and prove to you that you can trust me
I want to kiss your scars
I don't ever want you to be ashamed of the battles you fought
I want to fight your demons with you
I want your demons to tear me up
so you don't have to be stressed out
I want to give you the moon
I want to wrap my arms around you
and fill you with love I have been saving just for you
I want to show you the magic
that causes my heart to skip beats whenever I am with you
I want to love you
I want to fight with you
I want to kiss you the moment all of your dreams come true
I want to build a life with you
A life that tells the story of you and me
I want you to be my secret keeper
while I carry your heart next to mine
I want to fall apart in your arms
as I love every inch of you
I want to show you how perfect you are
I want to make you realize how special your soul is
Let me love you the way you deserved to be loved
I promise you won't be disappointed

He likes hot chocolate
I like lattes
He loves Netflix on Fridays
and I love kisses on Sundays
I wonder what he thinks
when he's sipping his drink
I know what I'm thinking about
I'm thinking he's perfect for me

I know the negative stuff people say about me
I sleep around
I am too emotional
I'm fat
I post too much on social media
I am an attention *****
I'm annoying
I'm fake
I'm too emo
I'm immature
My front teeth look like double doors kicked in
I dye my hair too much
I repeat outfits
I wear the same t-shirt a lot
I'm white trash
I'm a drama starter
My taste in music *****
I'm too poor
My poetry stinks
My head is too far up in the clouds
I'm worthless
I play victim too much
My acne makes my face look like it is covered in pepperoni's
I should go **** myself
I have been called every name in the book
I have been attacked verbally in every way possible
I'm called names through social media
I'm called names to my face and behind my back
People are going to talk no matter what I do
Does it hurt my feelings?
Hell yes it does!
The only way these people and their mean comments have any power over me is if I allow them to have power over me
I am a human being with feelings that get hurt sometimes
I am also a human being who is strong and knows better than to let foolish people, some who have never even met me personally, to have any kind of negative affect on my life
I am well aware of what people say about me
I am also aware of all of the people in my life who love me
The ones who love me are the ones worth worrying about
Not the haters

I honestly believe that whenever I am around people
they are silently wishing for me to go away
I look at their faces as I speak and underneath their smiles
I can see that annoyed look that people get
when they desperately want someone to shut up
When I am alone and away from people
I feel like the ones I love are happier and more alive
I think I drain people
I think the sight of me and the sound of my voice
is equivalent to nails on a chalkboard
Sometimes I imagine how much better off the world would be
without me in it
The thought makes me sad
I don't want to die but I am so tired of feeling like I am upsetting everybody in my life
I feel like a loser
a nobody
I can't express how I feel because people either think I am being ridiculous,
looking for attention
or some other kind of *******
I can't help the way that I feel
I get that on the outside looking in I am difficult to understand
I don't understand myself either
I try so hard to love myself but I can't
Sometimes I think I only try to love myself to please others
It's not that I don't want to love myself
I am incapable of doing so
I guess I am just tired
I'm tired of fighting with my mind
I'm tired of fighting with my self esteem
I am tired of giving my all and getting nothing return
I don't want an award or anything magnificent
It would just be nice for someone to tell me that they like having me around
or that they are proud of me for sticking around despite my constant thoughts telling me to go **** myself
I just want my existence to matter
I don't think that's an awful thing to want

If she is always asking if she looks pretty
you need to compliment her more
If she is doing things on purpose to annoy you
it is a sign you're not giving her enough attention
If she purposely wears a color she knows is your favorite
it is her way of saying she loves you
acknowledge that
If her feelings get hurt when you deny her kisses
she is not being over sensitive
you basically told her you don't want her love
A woman's love is constant
It is in her blood to love the man she is with every minute of every day
If you men only knew how much love your woman has for you
I don't think you could ever begin to imagine it because if you did you would never deny it
Compliment her everyday
it will make her feel more secure in her skin
Tell her good morning when she wakes up
Don't send her a text
buy her coffee, flowers or a book
and tell her good morning in person
Don't wait until she's dressed up to remind her of her beauty
Tell her even when she's dressed in her ugliest pair of pajamas
Say thank you when she gives you a sincere compliment
Kiss her as she does the dishes
Watch a cheesy movie with her from time to time
Let her take care of you when you're sick
Let her buy you gifts
Let her hold you and soak in every ounce of love she offers
Hold her hand in public
Give her the freedom to express her feelings without getting upset
Make her laugh until it hurts her to breathe
Have a conversation with her at the dinner table
Tell her you love her every time the opportunity presents itself because you never know when God will choose to take her
do not wait for her to say it first
Love her and let her love you back

I am at my wit's end
I just want to shut down and hide from the entire world
I can't continue ******* people off
I can't keep talking about my problems
to sort out emotions as I feel them
I can't keep reaching out to people
who have their lives on track
It's not fair for me to cause stress for other people
I can't even describe how I feel anymore
It's more than depression
It's worse than anxiety
It's something unknown
It isolates me
It confuses the **** out of me
It causes me to feel out of my skin
to the point I want to rip myself apart
I don't want to discuss it
I don't want to see a doctor for it
I just want it to go away
The possibility of me being dead by thirty does not surprise me
I am starting to understand the peace those suicide "experts" talk about
The peace
when you make the choice to die
how all of your emotional turmoil just disappears
Maybe I am becoming suicidal again
I don't know
I am so through with thinking
I don't want to die
but I can't keep living a life full of dead ends

She used to be sweet
now she's a *****
she used to sleep at night
now she's a snitch
she used to be young
now she tries to be old
she used to behave
now she doesn't do what she's told
she used to be nice
now she's mean
she used to be sloppy
now she's clean
she used to want to live
now she's suicidal
she used to love herself
now she lovesher idol
she used to be fun
now she's disturbing
she used to be creative
now she's unnerving
she used to be drama free
now she's drama filled
she used to be loved
now she should be killed
she used to be honest
now all she does is lie
she wants people to feel sorry for her
every time she cries
she can cry all she wants
she won't get her way
she needs to stop being a *****
before she loses her life today.

It sort of ****** me off that the characters in the books I read are having more *** than I am.

I give up on love
I give up wondering whether or not me and the guy I am with are going to last forever
I give up on the little things that make a girl smile now but eventually end up hurting her in the future
I give up on the kisses
I give up on the hugs
I give up on the happiness that comes when you fall in love
I give up on feeling what the other person is feeling
I give up anniversaries and dinners to meet parents who will always find a reason as to why you are not good enough for their son
I give up on special moments and promises
I give up getting close to somebody just so they can break me into a million pieces
I give up being emotionally lonely
I give up being ignored
I give up on everything that has to do with love
I can't keep doing this to my heart anymore

I hate ***
It's everywhere
It's all anybody thinks about
I find it disgusting that no one can do anything anymore
without feeling the need to rip their clothes off
I have a hard enough time looking at myself naked in the mirror
how the hell should I let a man see me exposed
I would rather jump off of a cliff
than let a man see me without my clothes
The thought of letting a human being into my personal space
is like an anxiety attack that can't be calmed
*** does nothing but create problems
in which someone is left emotionally harmed
The pressure to have *** is so intense
I don't think I can handle it
I honestly would be perfectly happy
if I never had to engage in it
I feel bad for women who feel the need to have ***
just to feel significant in this world
When people bring up the subject of ***
it's enough to make me want to puke
I don't know why I dislike *** so much
it's a topic that throws me into a state of panic
It ***** that nowadays a relationship doesn't mean ****
unless the guy your with has seen you naked

Sometimes I wish I were a mermaid
so I can swim far away
I’d swim all the way to the north pole
and sing every step of the way
I’d want to be an ice mermaid
so I can survive in ice water
to be cold and blue all of the time
would be absolutely wonderful
my hair would be Emerald
with starfish for hair clips
my lips would be crystals and so would my fin
I’d sit on blocks of ice in the day
then sleep at night in the snow
and if I swim in the dark
my fin would shine and glow
my neighbors would be penguins
my friend would be a shark
I’d live inside a coral reef
shaped like a heart
my pet would be a sea lion
who can sing Christmas carols
I’d laugh and treat everyday like Christmas
as I play in snowy showers

He noticed her way out into the crowd
When he saw her smile it was as if everyone else around him disappeared
He felt the urge to talk to her
He wanted to touch her
Not in a ****** way
He wanted proof that who he was looking at was not a hallucination
He waited until she was sitting alone with her drink
He walked up to her
Stuck out his hand and introduced himself
She took his hand and as soon as their palms touched
He experienced something he never felt before
His blood turned cold
He had goosebumps rising on every inch of his body
The only noise he heard was his heart beating
He forgot how to breathe
Time literally stood still once their hands met each other
Without thinking he stared at her intently and said

"I want to know you
I want to know everything about you
I want to know what kind of music gives you chills
I want to know what your passions are
I want to know what you look like when you first wake up in the morning
I want to hear your laugh
I want to make you hot chocolate on a rainy day
I want to carry you into the ocean
and kiss you as the waves dance around us
I want to do everything and anything that makes you happy
so that the spark in your eye never goes away
I want to know you on the outside
I want to know you on the inside
I want to know your flaws so I can love them
I want to know what makes you cry
so I can protect you from pain because you are way too beautiful to cry
I want to know your heart
I want to know your mind
I want to love everything that makes you...you
Can I know you?
It would be an honor to know you"

He had no idea why he said all that he said
He didn't regret saying any of it though
As he turned to walk away
Convinced he had scared her off
She took his arm lightly and said

"It is nice to meet you
It would be an honor to know you too"


This poem is dedicated to my Mother and Mike, the wonderful man that makes her happy.

It has been three years since we have been together
I have had a lot of time to think, to sort out my feelings and figure out some things
I am now ready to confront things I have never dealt with simply because I was not ready to
I am in love with you
I fell in love with you the very first time you texted me "hello"
I fell in love with you the first time you called me on the phone and even though you were crying hysterically your voice was like music to my ears
I fell in love with you again when I met you for the very first time
You had that white car with the ugliest orange seats I had ever seen and even though that car was hideous I was still sad when you sold it
You saw me for who I really was
You loved me in a way that I can't really describe
It was like being in a movie that ended before the last page of the script was finished
Even though our fights were so terrible sometimes I never went a day without wanting to kiss you because your kisses were enough to shake me to my very core
I told you everything about me
Every little secret
Every little thought
I let you read my poetry and your answer to everything was "MORE! I WANT TO HEAR MORE! I WANT TO READ MORE!"
I walked to a different state for you because you were having a nervous breakdown at 3 am and you met me halfway so I didn't have to walk in the dark alone
You saw my flaws and you kissed each of them as if they were the most beautiful parts of me you had ever known
You wrote me letters everyday just telling me everything your soul loved
I was so insecure
So terrified, so needy, so emotional to the point I pushed you away
You moved away just to get away from me
How embarrassing is that?
I dated your best friend who wrecked me and traumatized my belief in love and I think I only dated him because he was the closest thing to you I had when you left
I compare every man I meet to you which explains my reason for being single
I still have dreams about you that turn into nightmares when I realize how crazy I must be
I can't watch certain things,
Listen to certain things,
Go to certain places without remembering you
I've gone to therapy
I tried to smoke you away
I tried to drink you away
I tried ******* you away yet you show up in my mind more now than you already do
If I'm not careful your name shows up in conversations and that drives my friends insane
My mom still gushes about you
You were her favorite
She talks about you as if you are still a part of my life
She says she has never seen me happier than when I was with you and she's right
No one will ever compare to you
I know you're alive and happy
You have fallen in love and moved on with your life
I can deny my feelings all that I want to but denial will leave me stuck
I know you will never hear or read these words but this isn't for you
It's for me
It's time to let go
It's time to stop living in the past
It's time to stop holding onto something that won't come true
It's time to close the book on the most incredible time in my life
I won't lie I will still think of you
I can't do anything about that
I will always be in love with you
I can't control that either
All that I can control is me moving forward
I've stopped running
I've confronted my feelings
I've cried, I've grieved, I've accepted
I don't know what the future holds
What I do know is that I still want what I have always wanted for you
I want you to be happy
I want you to make all of your dreams come true
Even though a lot has and will continue to change that never will
I am closing the book now
It's painful but it's what needs to be done
I love you
I will always love you
Goodbye...

To the man I could spend hours writing poems about....

He whispered into my ear "I want to make love to you"
I opened my eyes
I noticed the clock said 5:13 am
I rolled over to face him and his arms wrapped around me
causing goosebumps to form on every inch of my body
His right hand touched my face as he kissed me
his tongue dancing perfectly with mine
Before I knew it we were making love
It wasn't the kind of love making you seen in the movies
It was gentle, slow and passionate
Every move he made forced me to hold back a moan
I swear would take away my voice if I let it out
I dug my nails into his back
as if I was holding on for dear life
The only noise between us were our heartbeats pounding
everything else faded away
I felt him come into me
and a part of me fell deeper in love when I looked into his eyes
There was so much love in them
it was impossible to look away
He moved my bangs from my forehead and kissed me
leaving me wanting him all over again

I look up at the sky
I see the stars calling my name
they want me to join them
but if I did nothing would be the same
they are just so beautiful
I wish I was beautiful like that
instead I’m an 18 year old girl
who is nothing but ugly and fat
the way the stars shine
it takes my breath away
all ugliness fades
I love feeling this way
they dance in the sky
without a care in the universe
they sing in perfect harmony
they never need to rehearse
I was to be a star
I want to shine in my sky
I have every opportunity to become one
but I’m still here and I don’t know why
I guess it’s not my time to shine
I got things to do down here
I smile in disappointment
as I walk away from the only things
that make my life perfectly clear

I sat down in front of him
"If I agreed to ******* would you spend the rest of the night getting to know me?"
He looked at me with shock in his eyes
"Yes."
"What if I took away your chance of ******* me, would you still get to know me?"
He swallowed
"Why are you asking me this?"
"I want to know if you have the ***** to open yourself up to the possibility of love."
He leaned forward
"Why would I do that?"
"I am offering you the chance of a lifetime. Now you want to get to know me and be happy the rest of your life? Or should I leave you to find your next good **** which will only bring you happiness for an hour?"
He stared at me
"I bet you $1,000 you don't have it in you to take this risk."
He stuck out his hand
"You're on."

We have been together for fifty years now
After spending the night getting to know me
minus the ***
I wrote him a check for $1,000
To this day it still sits in his top dresser drawer
He refuses to cash it

I woke up at 3 am unable to go back to sleep
I did not want to be in bed alone
I wanted you right next to me
I could have sent you a text
maybe a phone call would have been good
But I am a hopeless romantic
so I did what every girl should
I put on a pair of jeans
slipped on some sandals and grabbed my keys
It was sprinkling outside
so I grabbed a hoodie too big for me that it almost touched my knees
I drove over to your place
not sure if you would be awake
As I pulled up to your house
I saw you sitting outside as if you were waiting for me
You stood up as I got out of the car
you chuckled as I walked to you
"I COULDN'T SLEEP!" you yelled
As I put my arms around your neck so you could lean down to kiss me
"Me neither" I said
"That is why I am here, I can't seem to sleep without you"
Then without hesitation you led me into your house
where we fell asleep in your bedroom until noon

She goes to bed in short shorts and her ex-boyfriends t-shirt
not because she misses him
but because it looks **** on her
She gets excited when Mayday Parade plays on the radio
she does a dance but she doesn't look stupid
she looks absolutely beautiful
She watches the same movies over and over again
not because she's obsessed
she like the feelings she gets when they end
She loves her jean shorts with her converse and a hoodie
she could be wearing pajamas
and still look ****
She stays up all night and sleeps all day
not because she's depressed, she functions better that way
she smiles when she looks at Harry Styles on her wall
not because she thinks he's cute
he reminds her to be strong
She crushes on a man with a huge scar on his left shoulder
not because of his looks
but because of the confidence he gives her
She's a hopeless romantic with walls around her heart
she smiles on the outside
while on the inside she falls apart
She knows that she's gorgeous
yet she feels so ugly
she has a way of hiding her tears
by being really funny
She's afraid to let anyone in
yet pours her heart out in her poetry
her journal is her escape
when she needs a break from everybody
She feels like a mistake
when in reality she's a walking melody
she's God's gift to the world
and her name is Mandie.

I woke up this morning
with rain on my window
there was blood on my arms
and dried tears on my pillow
The knife that I used was sleeping on the floor
I looked at the clock
it was a quarter to four
Marilyn Manson was still playing as I got out of bed
thoughts of last night were hurting my head
My depression kicked in as I turned the music off
I felt ***** in my throat as I tried to cough
It is now five in the morning
I'm taking a shower
I'm starting to get cold
I've been showering for an hour
I step out of the tub
and I get the urge to cut
instead I slip on water
and fall on my ****

...................................

I woke up this morning
there's snow on my window
there are poems on the floor
and blood on my pillow
My heart starts to pound
and I start to cry
as I thank the Lord
for saving me from suicide

I wish I could take away your pain
I hate to see you cry
I really want to make you feel better
but you got to let me try
I do not like seeing you angry
it upsets me as well
I do not like worrying if you are okay or not
but lately I can never tell
I hope things get better for you
I do not like seeing you stressed
I know I can't make everything better
I am really trying my best
All I can do is be here for you
Try my hardest to not let you down
Just know that whenever you need me
I will always be around

I want to try to understand
why I am so impossible for you to love?
What did I do to make you dislike me so much?
I know I am not the only child you have so
I'm not trying to play victim here
I am the only child though who tried to get to know you
because I needed closure
As a little girl you were supposed to be my protector
instead you were an alcoholic monster
You would rather spend your nights at the bar
only to come home and beat the **** out of my mother
As a kid I needed someone to lean on
when other kids at school bullied me to the point I was starving myself
at eight years old
You were in jail paying for your sins
because the first arrest didn't mean **** to you
As a teenager I needed a man to look up to
I needed someone to show me how a lady should be treated
I got with ******* because my role model was just that
an ******* and the one who stepped up
to fill your shoes wasn't that great of a role model either
I risked every relationship I had with my family
including my mother
so I could try to find closure for the emotional wounds
that just could never seem to heal
In the end I was disappointed
I was called a ******* because I moved an ash tray in the basement
or called a huge **** up for falling asleep with the television on
The only great memories I have of you are smoking cigarettes with you
The only reason I picked up the habit was so I had a way to deal
with all of the anxiety I felt whenever I thought of you
Your Mother wasn't that great of a role model either
she was like Satan in every way possible
I couldn't even breathe around her
without her telling me how much she hated me
I moved away from you because I felt unwanted
It was bad enough I felt like a mistake to the rest of the world
I didn't need to feel that way around you
A week after no contact you call me to tell me you love me
you apologize to me telling me you are sorry for the way you treated me
So I forgave you
because that is what daughters do
Only to get a e-mail months later
telling me how much of a **** I am to you
So I let you go
I drop contact completely only to be dragged into court
four years later to find out that you stole my identity
SERIOUSLY??????
WHAT DID I DO TO MAKE YOU HATE ME SO MUCH??????
I NEED ANSWERS!
I NEED SOMETHING BECAUSE THIS IS ALL TOO MUCH!
I AM TWENTY-THREE YEARS OLD
I AM TOO OLD FOR DADDY ISSUES
I AM SO TERRIFIED TO LET MY CURRENT BOYFRIEND LOVE ME
BECAUSE OF ALL OF THE ****** UP **** YOU DID TO ME
I TRUSTED YOU, I NEEDED YOU
I CUT MYSELF SO I COULD FEEL ANYTHING BUT THE REJECTION YOU CAUSED ME TO FEEL WHEN MOM FILED FOR CHILD SUPPORT
Did you know I tried to **** myself in your basement after that note you left on the kitchen table?
I tried to **** myself with pills but guess what I CAN'T EVEN **** MYSELF RIGHT EITHER!
What scares me the most is that despite all of the *******
I still love you
I don't have it in my heart to hate you because hate kills you
Hate is ugly and I refuse to carry that around and let it ruin my life
I am never going to have the Father that I want
I've accepted that now
I have no problem doing your job and giving myself the support
and closure I need to move on with my life
A part of me will always ache because a part of me will always want a relationship with you
but I can't let you into my life
I can't take being called a **** up again
I fear the next time I hear those words I will end up killing myself
I've come too far for that
I deserve better, Dad
even if you don't think so

Standing in my cap and gown
I look into my bedroom mirror
Today is my Graduation day
I cannot believe that the day is here
It feels like just yesterday I was a freshman
four years seemed so long
Now I am graduating, it is overwhelming
I will soon be walking the stage where I belong
I took my tests, I did my assignments
I made some great friends along the way
I partied hard, I made mistakes
that only prepared me better for this day
I laughed a lot, I cried a lot
I had my heart broken once or twice
I have said "Hello", I have said "Goodbye"
I have taken in lots of advice
I am leaving a place where I grew up
for a world where dreams come true
I may seem calm but I am really scared
I am unsure of what to do
I have the whole world at my feet
I can be anything I want to be
Now is the time to broaden my horizons
and be the best that I can be

As I stare at my bedroom walls full of memories from the past four years
I cannot help but cry
High school has been my life
I am not ready to say goodbye
There is more of the world I have to see
there are opportunities high school has prepared me for
I sneak in a smile as I straighten my cap
then I slowly close my bedroom door

I am sitting at my graduation
I suddenly hear my name
I walk the stage knowing that once I take my diploma
I will never be the same
The applause is getting louder, my classmates are whistling
I feel so much excitement inside
I take my diploma with confidence
and unleash emotions I can no longer hide

As I walk off the stage I see a new view of the world
I realize something new
Now is the time to live my life
to do all the things I have been waiting to do
I look at the people I am graduating with
I know they are all feeling that same way
Knowing that I take a deep breath in and tell myself I will be okay
Moments pass, we are high school graduates
we throw our caps into the air
We hug each other, we jump and scream
as confetti falls on our hair
We join our families who congratulate us
and tell us how proud they are
Happy tears run down everyone's faces
as I stand there feeling like a star.


I dedicate this poem to anyone who has graduated High School/College. With the way things are nowadays it is becoming rare to see people start something and then finish. I didn't finish high school but I went to my friends graduation and I felt so much pride for the ones graduating. It was amazing to see everyone's reactions when the graduation ended. There were tears, relief, shock and over all just happiness. People think graduating is just some lame thing that people do to be perfect and that is not true. Do not let anyone make you feel stupid for wanting to work hard at something. If that something is school, then keep going until the end. Be proud of your education and never stop learning.

Another argument
Another day walking on eggshells
Another night of being alone
Another beating
Another lesson on what a ******* I am
Another punishment for not buying the right brand of ***** you like
More black eyes
More cuts and bruises from fighting you off
More afternoons being thrown on the floor and kicked
Being knocked out unconscious because I didn't feel like having *** with you
Being called a ***** every five minutes
Being covered in freshly brewed coffee
so you could hear me scream in agony
Another tooth knocked out
Another day of my life being threatened
Another night lying next to a monster
wishing I was dead

To my poor damaged heart
I'm sorry that you feel things so deeply
Every time you see a person in pain
you become so weak that it makes your job of keeping me alive so much more stressful
I'm sorry I didn't listen to you when you tried to warn me about that ******* back when I was eighteen
Instead I ignored you and allowed him to break you into pieces with an emotional hammer
I'm sorry that I kept you in a box for three years
when all you wanted was to be felt,
to be heard,
to be given the freedom to beat so loud
the world couldn't help but stop and listen to what you had to say
I'm sorry for not giving you the time you needed to heal properly
when every man you trusted bruised you with words
that still bring tears to my eyes when I am left alone with my thoughts for too long
I am sorry that I tossed you at the first person I thought could save me
when it was me who had the ability to save myself all along
Most importantly I am so sorry that now that I have set you free from your box you are too damaged to do all of the things you wanted to do for a long time
You're so terrified of being handled with any kind of care because you fear you won't survive the next time someone gets tired of me and decides to drop you as you shatter to pieces on the floor
I am so sorry for being a disappointment
and not taking better care of you
My poor damaged heart
I am sorry
I am so so sorry


I blamed some of my past personal pain on people when in reality I was the cause of some of the pain I went through. I made certain choices that forced me to face serious consequences. It's true that people have hurt me but I also hurt myself by letting my pain have control over my life. I kept punishing myself for so long over things that happened years ago. I am learning to forgive myself. It's not easy but I think it's time I allowed myself to be happy again.

"I Love You"
He said to her
She looked at him
with fear in her eyes
"Why does that scare you so much?"

I hope you find happiness in places you never have before
I hope this Christmas you get everything you wished for
I hope you have the courage to let go of anything that is tragic
so you can spend today in peace as you fall back in love with magic




If you are reading this I just want to wish you a Merry Christmas!!!!

I don't know what I'm doing
I am so far out of my comfort zone
I have no idea how to handle what I'm feeling
I just want to go home
and be away from the world
I want to shut off my electronics
and let the world believe that I am dead
I apologize for being weird
I apologize for being myself
It has been so long since I have let anyone in
I don't know what to do with myself
I want to run away
that is exactly what my mind is telling me to do
I don't want to do that
I don't want my anxiety to win
I feel so out of my element
I wish I could feel better
I need to stop doing whatever it is that I am doing
that seems to be upsetting everybody

Tonight I went looking for my sister in the dark after her boyfriend left her stranded in the cold
Tonight I held her as her heart broke into pieces because that same ******* of a man left her for his ex wife
Tonight I watched my window shatter from the heart of a girl who has finally had enough
Tonight I sat in the cold with a cigarette in my hand crying because I felt helpless
Tonight one of my best friends admitted to me that she tried **** twice
Tonight I felt like cutting but I didn't
Tonight I felt myself turn inside out like a nightmare I can't control
Tonight I feel lost
Tonight is just a ****** night

I woke up with a feeling I couldn't shake off
I felt sick, depressed, and a little *******
I had so much to do
what I really wanted to do was sleep
I managed to leave my house
trying my best not to weep
I could not stop thinking about you
I could hear your voice in my ears
I don't understand why we broke up
after being together for three years
You said you found someone else
well tell that to our daughter
tell her why your never home
tell her why she rarely sees her father
I packed up your stuff
it's in a box by the front door
I changed the sheets on our bed
I couldn't stand the smell of you anymore
I took our daughter to my mother's
just until I get my head straight
I already filed for divorce
I sign papers tomorrow and I can't wait
I don't need you to live my life
I don't need you to be successful
I wanted to share my life with you
but now that is not possible
I'm going to use these three years as a lesson learned
I will get stronger from this
I will love our daughter and move on
I will give my new life my best

It was as if my whole world stopped
Who I was in a past life perished
and a whole new me was born
It's incredible how one tiny little human being
can have such an impact on one's soul.


Dedicated to Annaleah Grace. My niece. My world. The one who taught me that the child inside of us all never really dies.

Dear Amanda,

Your 14 years old now. Your at that age where you're starting to get the hang of teenage life. It's confusing I know but it gets better. In five years you will be 18 years old. In the next five years you're going to go through things and feel things you never thought possible. You're different. The way you dress, the way you act and the way you interpret things are very different than everyone else. So different that your parents will think there is something wrong with you. Your parents might tell you to change or try to make you change into something you don't want to be. They might even think you're possessed by the devil. DON'T CHANGE! No matter what do not change. Your step dad will be really mean to you. Your going to do things to yourself as a way to release stress. The person you are, your the way you are because you'll make a difference in this world. You're unique. Don't do what others want you to do. Others will try to bring you down but just shrug it off. Half of those people don't know you. Why should you impress them? Be happy to be you. If others don't like you too bad then they don't have to hang out with you.
  Secondly, don't worry about the friends you lose. When you lose a friend due to some 24 hour drama someone else always comes along and if that person is meant to stay in your life then they won't ever go anywhere.
  Third, when your sixteen you'll be engaged for a year. He'll break your heart when your seventeen but you'll get over it soon. Enjoy every minute you have with him but don't be too obsessed with him because then you'll push him away. When he breaks your heart it won't be your fault. You'll cry, you'll feel alone and broken but lean on friends. True friends will help you get over him. Once you lose him let him go. Eventually someone else will come along who is so much better and who knows, he might be the one but don't get engaged until your 25 this time. You'll be better off. Trust me.


This was an English assignment I had to do when I was a sophomore in High School. I had to write a letter to my 14 year old self from my 17 year old self talking about things that were going to happen in the next five years all the while giving advice to my past self. Advice I wish I had at the time I was going through these things.

I would just like to take a moment to celebrate my brother Ty. Despite the ******* life throws his way he always manages to get out of bed and get **** done. Whenever I speak to him it doesn't feel like I am talking to a 21 year old young man. I feel like I am talking to a very wise soul. A soul who even though speaks very little words, his heart is revealed through his actions. He may make mistakes just like all human beings do but when I need a hug from my baby brother I know that I will never be denied the opportunity to cry on his shoulder. I love you Ty Andrew. When you are 80 years old whenever I look at you I will still see you as the tiny blue eyed two year old asking me to help him steal cookies from Mom's cookie jar. I am proud of you. You are a great brother and a wonderful Father. Do not let anyone tell you differently.

I wish I didn't need makeup to be beautiful.
Who gives a **** that cover up brings out my natural skin tone?
Why wear eyeshadow if it makes you look like you have two black eyes?
What is the point of mascara?
Who is going to care that your eyelashes look longer than usual?
Who cares how red your lips are?
THEN THE HAIR AND CLOTHES!
Why damage your hair to the point it looks like hay?
Why put so much hairspray in to the point your hair feels like a rock?
Why spend so much much time trying to wear the cutest, sexiest, most revealing outfit?
Who do we have to impress?
Why do we have to impress everyone we come in contact with?
Why is the world so obsessed with looking good?
I hate having to put in so much effort to be beautiful but I do it anyways.
I cover up my pores,
give myself black eyes,
make my lashes longer,
burn my hair and dress fancy all for what?
The boy who doesn't know I exist?
The mean girls who won't talk bad about me now that I've impressed them?
It won't matter. They will still talk ****.
Myself?
Do I really need to go through all this effort to feel beautiful?
What's the point?
Have I really let society brainwash me into thinking that I won't be beautiful without makeup?
I hate putting myself through this beauty rollercoaster
yet I do it every single day and I have no idea why.

So many people would love to see me fail
I say their wasting their time.
They can say all they want about me
I’m going to remain just fine.
I don’t need to impress anybody
When I know God is in control.
I don’t have to answer to haters
And be controlled by a bunch of *******.
People will always judge me
That’s just how it is.
I choose to be myself anyways
And try my best to be positive.
I won’t give into the pressure
Of being something that I’m not.
I’m an original, not a copy
And for that I am proud.

I refer to those who are interested in the same *** as "The Cooler People."
Why?
They are the only group of people who have the courage to love who their heart desires with no fear at all
while us straight people are scared **** less to love who we really love because of what people might say or think.
The fact that same *** couples are fearless despite what the world thinks is really awesome and that makes them cooler than the rest of us.


Love Wins!

If I keep trying to please everyone then they will only ***** that I didn't please them right. It is a circle and the only way to break free from that circle is to not be afraid to be yourself, let yourself be happy even if some people disapprove of the choices you make. You control your happiness. As long as you're happy, that is all that matters.

In honor of today I am playing this song (Independence Day-5 Seconds Of Summer) on repeat. At this exact time last year what I thought was the worst thing ever was in all reality the best Christmas gift God could have ever given me. What was the gift? I got my heart broken. Little did I know that through this heartbreak I would learn the following things:

1.) That guy wasn’t the one.
2.) I wasn’t going to get anywhere in life with that guy.
3.) I was only with him because the idea of loneliness terrified me.
4.) My poetry was turning to **** because I was neglecting it.
5.) I had unresolved issues that needed to be dealt with.
6.) I needed a huge reality check.
7.) I needed to clean up my social life.
8.) I needed to face everything that was causing me to be depressed therefore holding me back.
9.) I needed to find myself, embrace myself, love myself and
10.) I learned that I don’t need a man to tell me I'm beautiful or make me feel beautiful or awesome because who I am as a person is enough and if no guy can see that then that is his loss.

I didn’t just get dumped, or tossed to the side, I was pushed off a pedestal I had no business being on. I thought that if I had a boyfriend that life would be great and I would be happy with a simple kiss. I needed to be happy just being me. I needed to learn that what I think of myself matters, how I feel matters and being myself 110% even though everyone else around me might be trying to get me to be something else and to be comfortable in my skin is what is important. No kiss, no compliment, no boyfriend or guy can make me feel good about me only I can feel good about me. So this year I cleaned up everything. I dropped a lot of people who truly weren’t my friends. I had a friend from Wisconsin come visit me and she helped remind me of the person that I used to be and that who I used to be might have some influence on who I am today but I’m way different compared to the girl I was 2, 3 or 7 years ago. I’m not a girl anymore. I’m a woman. I’m a 22 year old woman who is finally living life for the very first time without insecurities and fear of what others think of her. 2014 was all about facing challenges and coming to terms with who I truly am. It was rough. I went through so many emotions that put me through a long rollercoaster but now I’m able to walk with confidence and not in a cocky way but a comfortable way. I faced all of my demons. Some scary some not so scary. I’m ending this year celebrating another gift from god this holiday season. I got courage, I got hope, I got strength, and those are things you can’t get in a box tied in a bow waiting under a Christmas Tree. 2015 is on it’s way and I’m looking forward to taking everything I learned in 2014 and applying it to the new challenges I’ll face all the while making memories that will one day be bedtime stories for when I have kids.

With that said, only fans of 5SOS will know what I’m celebrating this year. Here’s to Independence Day. Whether it’s freedom from an addiction, a toxic friendship, an unhealthy relationship, ect. Here’s to never looking back and moving on to better things. Stay cool, stay confident, stay awesome. Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and even though it isn’t summer, Happy independence Day <3

With all my love,

Mandie Michelle Sanders <3