When people read my poetry
they all have the same question
"Why does your poetry have to be so sad?"
The question used to offend me
I used to think that question deserved an answer
I even started changing the kind of poems I wrote to please the people who read them
I was satisfied with my work
but it wasn't really me
I began to feel guilty
I began to feel like a fraud
Charles Bukowski once wrote
"a good writer must simply let it all go, regardless"
I'm sure he meant for those words to mean something else but for me
it was as if I was being reminded to stop allowing other people to have control over my writing
It's not every day I gain advice from someone who has passed on years before I was ever born
I no longer feel the need to answer everybody's question
Hell I even ask myself from time to time
"Mandie, why must your poetry be so sad?"
Depression is another language to me
I speak it well
I write it well
I know it well
Bottom line
if my poetry is too sad for you
then don't read it

Smile.
Smile because on this day last year you were going through something horrible and even though you thought things wouldn't get better they did.
Smile because the person who attempts to dim your shine needs to be reminded that not everyone is a **** and out to hurt them.
Smile because you're alive.
Smile because your favorite song played on the radio five times already and you wish it would play again.
Smile because even though you have no plans today that's fine because now you can spend time with yourself and give yourself some undivided attention.
Smile because you love yourself.
Smile because whether your teeth are perfect or crooked your smile is beautiful as ****.
Smile because everytime you smile you send a dose of magic into the world that makes someone else's day that much better.

There is such a thing as magic
and that magic is called love.
You create magic
every time you choose love over hate.
Love has the power to do wonderful things
and no matter how hopeless things may seem
the magic of love can prove otherwise.
Whether the love is shared with your lover,
your friends,
your family,
your pets,
a stranger,
a child it's all the same.
Love can be found in a song,
a poem,
a smile,
a laugh,
a compliment,
a hug,
or a reassurance that everything will be okay.
Love can change the world
and changing the world is magical.

If she is always asking if she looks pretty
you need to compliment her more
If she is doing things on purpose to annoy you
it is a sign you're not giving her enough attention
If she purposely wears a color she knows is your favorite
it is her way of saying she loves you
acknowledge that
If her feelings get hurt when you deny her kisses
she is not being over sensitive
you basically told her you don't want her love
A woman's love is constant
It is in her blood to love the man she is with every minute of every day
If you men only knew how much love your woman has for you
I don't think you could ever begin to imagine it because if you did you would never deny it
Compliment her everyday
it will make her feel more secure in her skin
Tell her good morning when she wakes up
Don't send her a text
buy her coffee, flowers or a book
and tell her good morning in person
Don't wait until she's dressed up to remind her of her beauty
Tell her even when she's dressed in her ugliest pair of pajamas
Say thank you when she gives you a sincere compliment
Kiss her as she does the dishes
Watch a cheesy movie with her from time to time
Let her take care of you when you're sick
Let her buy you gifts
Let her hold you and soak in every ounce of love she offers
Hold her hand in public
Give her the freedom to express her feelings without getting upset
Make her laugh until it hurts her to breathe
Have a conversation with her at the dinner table
Tell her you love her every time the opportunity presents itself because you never know when God will choose to take her
do not wait for her to say it first
Love her and let her love you back

I seem to lack the talent of being able to see any beauty within myself
I find everything beautiful
I can look at the sky and describe the clouds in metaphors
that artists could turn into a masterpiece
I can look at my best friend and tell her how she is the image of the sun,
the moon, a field of roses and the stars combined into a human being that is absolutely flawless
I can look at the man I love and spend hours telling him how he was created with intense love and that everytime he smiles my heart literally feels like it is going to beat right out of my chest
I can look at my nieces and tell them over and over again as I kiss their precious faces how they are beautiful angels with wings so big and hearts so pure that one day their beauty is going to take the breathes away from so many people
I can look at my mother and see all of the hell she has been through in her lifetime and still be able to tell her how she is a beautiful walking story of inspiration and that if she did not exist in my life my whole world would not make sense
I can find beauty in a stranger and see qualities they probably never even knew they had
I look at me and all I see is disappointment
I see failure
I see ugliness
I see a waste of space
I see someone who is like an annoying dog who everyone likes to tie up outside and forget about
I see anxiety and depression and the state of isolation it causes me on days I can't function with the world
I see someones who will always be disgusting no matter what I do
no colors of hair dye,
no shades of lipstick,
no pounds shed off of my body,
no plastic surgeries,
nothing will make me beautiful because I'm not beautiful
I try to see what other people see and I can't
My view in the mirror is like a rainy day full of gray and pain and
my view of anyone else is like looking at the ocean as the sun sets and
I can't stop because everyone else is so beautiful
If I'm not ugly as everyone claims
then I must have broken eyes

I need you
I need you to not get angry with me
when I am feeling an emotion you don't understand
I need you to be patient with me
I have no clue what is going on with me
I have no idea why I get so upset for no reason
I need you to not judge me
When I gain the courage to tell you something is bothering me
don't tell me to get over it because I can't
I need you to not yell at me when I am not making sense
yelling at me only scares me and makes me think that I am bothering you therefore I shut down
I need you to hug me
I know all of the advice tips already
sometimes I just need to feel okay instead of being told that I am okay
I need you to listen to me
I don't want to hear about mistakes I am making when I feel like one every **** day
I need you to encourage me
This battle is so lonely
it's scary
it's uncomfortable and I need someone to cheer me on
I need someone to tell me that I am doing alright
I need you to not shut me out
when my anxiety is too intense and I don't have the energy
to express how I truly feel I need you to not walk away
and treat me like I am some disgusting human being you wish you had never met
I need you to reassure me that you are there for me
even though you have no idea how to make me feel better
I need you to not give up on me
I know I am difficult and I am nothing like you wished I would be
but the truth of the matter is I have depression and anxiety
I didn't choose this
Why would I choose this?
I didn't choose the life of racing thoughts,
marks on my skin,
obsessions about things that shouldn't even be an obsessions,
always questioning people's words and actions,
not being able to leave the house without feeling like I want to throw up,
sleepless nights because of **** that happened years ago
I DID NOT CHOOSE THIS!
I DO NOT WANT THIS BUT THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT!
I AM TRYING TO BE NORMAL!
I AM TRYING MY BEST TO BE BETTER BUT I CAN'T DO THIS BY MYSELF!
I NEED YOU!
Please...I need you...