It is so hard to grow into a better person
when I have so many people reminding me
of who I used to be.
Three years ago I was sad,
obsessed with my weight,
lonely,
bitter,
angry,
terrified
and withdrawn.
I was a lot of things I wish I never was.
It's hard being in a good mood after you hit rock bottom
when you have no idea of who you truly are,
when you're basically lost it is not easy to be happy,
social,
open,
confident
and kind.
I have worked really hard to be comfortable with who I am.
I feel a change within myself that has brought me true peace.
The kind of peace you read about in motivational quotes
all over the internet.
I don't want to stay in bed sleeping my life away anymore,
I don't want to feel guilty for eating a sandwich,
I don't want to be uncomfortable around people,
I don't want to be cold hearted,
upset all of the time,
held back,
defensive,
rude and closed off from the world.
I want to be free from those things,
I want to feel good in my skin,
I want to be embraced for who I am now
not for the person that I used to be.
You have no idea how challenging it is to change
after engaging in certain habits for so long.
Do not be afraid of who I am becoming
be proud of me
I may not like to admit it
but I need you now more than ever.

I am looking forward to the day
when I will stop being judged
just for breathing.

To quit writing would
be like going through a breakup
I could never recover from.

She put the cap on her pen
placed the bookmark in her journal
She packed away years of poetry into boxes
and left them on the floor of her closet
She covered her desk with a black blanket
so she never had to be reminded
that the one thing she ever loved more than anything in this world
was now dead.

It's four in the morning
yet here I am wide awake
thinking of all the reasons why I
am a *******.
Out of all the bad habits that need to be broken
this one I can never seem to shake.
What the **** is wrong with me?

To my poor damaged heart
I'm sorry that you feel things so deeply
Every time you see a person in pain
you become so weak that it makes your job of keeping me alive so much more stressful
I'm sorry I didn't listen to you when you tried to warn me about that ******* back when I was eighteen
Instead I ignored you and allowed him to break you into pieces with an emotional hammer
I'm sorry that I kept you in a box for three years
when all you wanted was to be felt,
to be heard,
to be given the freedom to beat so loud
the world couldn't help but stop and listen to what you had to say
I'm sorry for not giving you the time you needed to heal properly
when every man you trusted bruised you with words
that still bring tears to my eyes when I am left alone with my thoughts for too long
I am sorry that I tossed you at the first person I thought could save me
when it was me who had the ability to save myself all along
Most importantly I am so sorry that now that I have set you free from your box you are too damaged to do all of the things you wanted to do for a long time
You're so terrified of being handled with any kind of care because you fear you won't survive the next time someone gets tired of me and decides to drop you as you shatter to pieces on the floor
I am so sorry for being a disappointment
and not taking better care of you
My poor damaged heart
I am sorry
I am so so sorry


I blamed some of my past personal pain on people when in reality I was the cause of some of the pain I went through. I made certain choices that forced me to face serious consequences. It's true that people have hurt me but I also hurt myself by letting my pain have control over my life. I kept punishing myself for so long over things that happened years ago. I am learning to forgive myself. It's not easy but I think it's time I allowed myself to be happy again.

I can't walk up to a stranger and introduce myself
without feeling out of my skin
I can't be surrounded by family
without feeling my world caving in
I can't text a person without feeling like I am bothering them
I can't open up to people
without worrying I am too weird for them
I am not putting on a show
or making up excuses
I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder
yes it is a real illness